# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #
'That's me, Paul Maddens, back in drama school.
'Yes, I look like an idiot.
'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer.
'With our best mate, Gordon Shakespeare.
'We were the Three Amigos, with the world at our feet.'
# So jump in bed and cover your head
# Cos Santa Claus comes tonight. #
'Jennifer and her family always loved Christmas.
'And it was Jennifer who taught me to love it too.
'Gordon said he loved Christmas, but the only thing he truly loved
'was himself.'
I'm completely above this. It's pointless. Elf.
It's my last elf. I could be Father Christmas.
Why am I not Father Christmas?
I-I can't do this any more. It's ridiculous.
You're good. There's no control being an actor.
You're doing what other people's ideas are.
I'd rather be in control, I don't know, like directing, producing.
I think you should consider that. I will.
That's why I'm going to train as a primary school teacher.
LAUGHTER
BOTH: Shush! Give it three years.
If you're as bad as you are now, give up. At least try.
You know, those who can't act, teach.
BOTH: And those who can't teach, teach primary.
Who says that? Nobody. It's a truism. It's... People say...
Five, six, seven, eight.
# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #
'And so that's what I did. I became a teacher.
'And Jennifer seemed really proud of me.
'As I was of her when she went to Hollywood and became a producer.
'As for Gordon,
'he became a teacher at the best private school in the city.
'His productions of the Nativity
'won the five-star review in the local paper.'
"Gordon Shakespeare's Three-Colour Trilogy
"has redefined Nativity, with its rainbow of talent
"that hangs over the city of Coventry
"like a blessed beacon.
"Five stars.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What a performance!
"Paul Maddens' Nativity was abysmal.
"Minus two stars."
'And that's when I decided.
'I hated Christmas.'
MUSIC: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" by the Jackson 5
# Santa Claus is comin' to town
You'd better watch out
# You'd better not cry... #
Sit down! Olly, that's you in detention for the week.
TJ, that's you in detention for the week.
And, also, TJ, that's your parents coming into school tomorrow.
Who's going to win the five-star review?
ALL CHANT: Us, us, us! Us, us, us! Us, us, us!
Us, us, us! Yeaaargh!
Who can spell "Bethlehem"? Go!
B-E-I-E...
No, next.
Olly.
B-E-L-T...
No! TJ.
B-E-L-E... No!
Good morning, boys and girls.
ALL: Good morning, Mrs Bevan.
Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.
CHILDREN: Yes! Isn't that exciting?
Now, last year, Mrs Spink did the Nativity play
and, if you remember,
she got upset and started shouting a lot and crying.
And some of you, I remember, were crying with her.
So, we are going to have to find a new person.
This year, to make the best Nativity play that has ever, ever been...
is Mr Maddens.
APPLAUSE Yes.
# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy year
# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy year
# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year
CRESCENDO: # A happy new year
# A happy new year... #
THEY SING IN THE ROUND
You have the talent and training.
I think it's a wonderful thing. I barely have the training.
I did three years of drama... SHE SIGHS
I wasn't very good. Yes, I know.
It... Now, let's move on.
When are you going to start the casting?
These children are literally useless.
I am literally useless. Please don't make me do this.
Think about Oakmoor. Think about how they always steal all the reviews.
We agreed four years ago that after my disastrous attempt
to direct the Nativity, I wouldn't do it again.
Make this a good one.
Make this a fabulous last Nativity play for me
and then I retire and you won't have to put up with me any more.
Oh, and you've got a classroom assistant starting today sometime.
HE SIGHS Thank you.
That will help with the wear and tear and stress.
Hello. Hello.
'Tell us clearly and concisely'
what happened at Christmas, if you think you're so clever.
Joseph got together with Mary
and Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby. Um...
She has a baby, Jesus. A couple of years later, about 30 years later,
he dies on the cross and then... Go and sit down.
LAUGHTER Go and sit down.
That was almost blasphemy.
'Here's to a five-star review'
of the St Bernadette's Nativity, directed by Paul Maddens. Cheers.
ALL: Cheers!
LAUGHTER
CHILDREN: # When Suzy was a child
# A child Suzy was She said
# "Miss, miss, I can't get this!
# "I've got my knickers in a right old twist!"
# When... #
Who are you?
Mr Poppy. Yes, what are you doing here, Mr Poppy? Oh, I'm...
I'm your teaching assistant.
Remember, please keep it neat. Dan, are you having trouble there?
How are you getting on, Frazer?
You know you don't have to put your hand up to talk to me.
I thought we were supposed to be doing a play.
We are. Everyone's just sitting around.
This isn't the rehearsal for the play.
This is a creative writing class. It's a different thing.
Who wants to do a play?
ALL: Me! Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Move the tables to one side. No! Keep the tables where you are.
Alfie! Alfie, TJ, put the tables back.
The next person to move their table
will be in detention for the entire term.
BELL RINGS, THEY SHOUT Sit down! Sit down!
MR MADDENS DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING
Mr Poppy! Come in, please. Come in now. I've been tigged.
Mr Poppy... I've been tigged.
Come in now.
Get inside, please.
I've told you before. Get in.
CHILDREN CHANT: Poppy! Poppy! Go in!
Children, please. Go away.
Just carry on playing.
SHRIEKING Tig, tig, tig, tig!
Mr Poppy!
MAKES ZAPPING AND WHOOSHING NOISES
I just wanted to check something.
Can I say, I really enjoyed today, thank you very much.
You're welcome. You haven't done this before, have you?
Er, I've done stuff like it.
Classroom assistant?
Nope. No. I just wanted to check that.
Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow at 8.15?
D'you want to come for a sausage sizzler? Sorry?
Young's, the newsagent, they do sausages with tomato ketchup
in a roll with a sausage. They're only £1.50.
D'you want to maybe share one and we could hang out at the park?
I'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom. He's funny.
I'm a bit busy. I shan't be doing that tonight. Thank you.
See you later. HE GIGGLES
MAKES ZAPPING NOISES
# Can't you see it's gonna be
# A merry, merry Christmas
for all the girls and boys?
# Can't you see the Christmas tree... #
Come here. Hello!
Ooh, right on me kippers. Oh, Cracker!
Cracker. "You hardly know me!"
Cracker, Cracker.
Where you going, you mental dog?
HE HUMS A TUNE
Cracker.
HIGH PITCH: # In Nazareth. # Or...
LOW PITCH: # In Nazareth. # I think low.
Bark for high.
BARKS
Bark for low. WHINES
Suit yourself.
Cracker...
Cracker.
Cracker, come here.
THUD, SHRIEKING
Help me, Mr Maddens!
This man is an idiot. He's an actual village idiot.
If this was a village, he would be the idiot.
He's not a classroom assistant, he's an absolute calamitous fool.
But he'll be a big help with the play.
The play that I don't care about?
The play that brings the children away from learning to read and write?
Great(!) Big whoopee(!) I've got an oaf helping my children to fail.
Thanks(!) This is getting personal.
Who's that? Who's what? What's that?
That's a photograph of me and Mr Poppy. Why?
He is my sister's son. Mm-hm.
CHILDREN SHOUT
Mr Poppy!
Mr Poppy! Sit...
Sit down.
Sit down. Be quiet!
Sit down, now!
Why is Mr Maddens such a grumpy grumps?
His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.
Where's his girlfriend now? In America.
America! How cool is that?
It is cool, but it's a long way away from here.
Can we keep it down over there, please?
Bagsy drive the van! You can't drive, I've got the...
Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy. Mr Poppy.
I'm insured to drive the van. Auntie Pat said I could drive.
Can you drive? Yeah.
Come on, jump in. TOOTS HORN
What about Gabriel comes in on a death slide. What's a death slide?
One of those things... Zoom! You just go down on two hands.
I don't think health and safety for children
will involve the death slide in a Nativity play. OK.
What about no donkey? Please... What about a BMX with trick pegs?
This is a Roman Catholic school.
We're not going to replace a donkey with a trick-peg BMX.
I don't even know that that is! We can do it.
If we just work together. Sorry? Like Webber and Rice.
Posh and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. You and me.
I think maybe this one. No!
The big one. It's not going to fit. And how are we going to carry it?
I don't believe it!
Paul Maddens. Gordon Shakespeare.
How are you doing, my man?
Great to see you. And you. Where've you been?
Just five years at St Bernadette's.
But you were going to be the star, the man.
Was I? Yeah! I never thought that.
We all did and then it...all went.
Now you're down the road. How is it down there at St B's?
Goodness me, what a challenge.
Slowly, that dreadful school is dragging itself up.
How's Jennifer? Have you...?
Do you speak to her? Still quite good friends with her.
So, you still keep in touch with her? Yeah, yeah.
Even though she's Hollywood side. Goodness me. Didn't she do well?
She's now a producer. I know.
If you think I'm talented, well, she's just gone to another level.
Way above me and-and... clearly, you. Clearly.
In fact, if you want to see how the other half lives
and see where it really happens in the right way,
just come along to our Christmas bazaar. We're doing a showcase.
The talent. I'm sure. Amazing.
It's worth a look. Take it, come along. Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm doing the Nativity again.
Perhaps I can come and see yours. Yes. You won't be alone.
Actually, Jennifer's coming.
She's coming over to the UK? Yeah, she going to come and see the, er...
Why would she want to do that?
Because she's going to bring most of her agency with her.
Hollywood are coming to St Bernadette's?
Yes. To see your show? Yes.
To film your show? Yeah. Make a film out of it?
Yeah.
And a book.
HE SINGS
Come on, come on. Come close.
This is... Come in, come in, gather round.
I've got something to tell you.
I'm not supposed to tell you
but someone twisted my arm and I have to tell you.
I've just been to get the Christmas tree and I heard Mr Maddens say
a big Hollywood production film thing company are coming here
to see our Nativity.
But it's not a Nativity.
It's Nativity, the musical, in 3-D, with 5-D sound
and we're all going to be famous. ALL SHOUT
Sh! Sh! Sh! This is big stuff, all right?
Zack, I mean, you could end up being Zac Efron.
Yes! And you.
You could be Shrek. LAUGHTER
And you, Bob. What?
You're like a little Gollum, or something,
like a little creature in something.
We're going to be super-famous because Hollywood are coming!
CHEERING
HE GASPS, CRACKER WHINES
Ow. Ow. Ow!
Ooh!
Aargh!
With me now are the real stars of the film,
the pupils of St Bernadette's School.
You must be excited.
Very excited, aren't we, children? ALL: Yes!
CRACKER WHINES Wait. Wait.
We only heard this morning that Hollywood are coming
to see our Nativity play. We can hardly believe it.
Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.
I'm Mr Poppy and I am the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.
TV MUTED
'The true stars of a Hollywood blockbuster coming to town.'
CHILDREN CHEER
Well done, Paul. PAUL WHISTLES
We don't want to be late for PE.
Well done, congratulations, Mr Maddens.
We can... There you are. Goodness, at last.
This is Darren from the local newspaper. Mr Maddens.
Nice to meet you. Come on, this way. Sorry? Yeah. They've been waiting.
I've told Darren everything I know, but I don't know very much.
It's wonderful you're back in touch with her.
There you are. After you.
CHEERING AND CHANTING
Thank you. Good morning, boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.
Good morning. Good morning, gentlemen of the press.
And local news team.
As you can see, children, it's very exciting.
The whole of the town is buzzing with the news
that St Bernadette's is going to get a visitor from Hollywood.
Three cheers for Mr Maddens. Hip, hip.
ALL: Hurray!
Hip, hip. Hurray! Hip, hip. Hurray!
Mrs Bevan. Boys and girls...
I'm sorry, cos there's obviously been some misunderstanding
because yesterday I said, in front of Mr Poppy,
that we were going to have a visit from Hollywood.
And I'm only sorry, cos it's not happening right now!
CHEERING
I didn't tell you, I told Gordon Shakespeare.
It wasn't even for your ears. D'you understand me?!
You were eavesdropping. What does it matter...? Be quiet!
It's obviously a lie.
Yeah, but... Hollywood coming to the school? How?
It's a lie! It's not true. I made it up.
You have messed up, right?
It's up to you to face your responsibility
and go out there and tell them it's a lie.
CHEERING
Yeah!
Call your girlfriend and get the Hollywood people across.
One problem. She's not my girlfriend.
I don't know her number. I don't know where she is.
I was making all of that up... Family! Has she got any family?
She's got parents, yes.
Do you have any pets? I have a dog.
Used to be hers. Brilliant!
Go round there and say,
"The dog's died, I need her number. I should tell her in person."
The dog's died? Yeah. How's the dog died?
It blew up. The dog blew up.
They won't ask. You wouldn't ask. I wouldn't ask.
Ugh. They'd just think, "Oh," and get the number.
We need those five stars.
I need you all to be stars to get those stars.
We need something edgier, more dangerous, something darker.
Something the RSC do every year.
Tripping around and, bang, they hit you with something enormous.
That's what we should be doing. Something European, strange, exotic.
Something the Americans don't understand, but love!
That's it. I know, we could have Herod.
King... He's never done, is he?
Herod's never done.
Ever. That's it. Wonderful. We could have Herod.
He could be like an opera.
This dark shape brooding in the back, coming forward onto the stage.
Singing his heart out, his lungs.
Craving for their minds, and blood and body of children.
That's what we want. Who's going to be my Herod?
Thank you, lovely. Anything else you'd like to show us?
SHE BURPS: A, B, C... That's good.
# You mean I've been dancing on the floor, darling
# And I feel like I need some more
# And I feel your body close to mine
# And I... # Oh.
# Cos I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
# Listen to Iron Maiden, baby
# With me... #
# I was going on a hillside
# On a hillside
# I was going on a hillside
# On a hillside... #
# Oh, Danny boy
# The pipes The pipes are calling... #
What would you like to play?
I know you won't let me, but I really want to be Joseph.
OK, in your own time.
Careful. Wow.
HE GRUNTS
You're through to the next round! There's no next round.
The Hollywood round! There's no Hollywood round.
Please can I go to Hollywood? Please, please, please.
Hollywood, Bob, are going to love it.
Yeah! Ooh!
I can't do it. Can we take five for a moment, please? I've got to...
Excuse me. HE SIGHS
Keep going, it's good. It's really good.
Paul.
Paul. Hello, Father. Paul!
Just popped in to congratulate you. Well done. Thank you!
Oh, it's great news. Thank you much.
Well done. Father, could I ask your advice?
I've just had a query from one of the children in the auditions.
I'm not sure how to advise them. They're worried about...lying.
I think one of them's told a lie.
We all know there's such a thing as a little white lie
and there's a black Protestant lie, which is more serious.
I don't think so. A lie is a lie is a lie.
Technically?
What d'you mean, "technically"? Well...
You know. "Is that a nice meal?" "Yes, Mrs Johnson, lovely."
Even though you're feeling sick, you don't want to hurt her feelings.
It's still a lie, isn't it? I'm not going to be punished for it.
Please, God, I'm not going to be punished.
But if you picked the woman up on her bad cooking,
the next time, you might get a decent meal.
Ee-aw, ee-aw! Ee-aw, ee-aw!
Mrs Bevan. Ah. Thank you so much.
Can I have a quick word? My phone is ringing off the hook.
Can I grab you for a minute? Of course.
Word has got out about the Hollywood connection
and parents are ringing. I... They want to know why, how, when.
I can save time with that. Wait. This is the cherry on the cake.
The Lord Mayor's office has rung and they want you
to go to a big reception for Coventry ambassadors. No!
Yes, they do! No!
There'll be drinks.
I don't think I can go.
I've accepted on your behalf. Have you? Yes, you've got to come.
PHONE RINGS I've got to go. Phone! Mrs Bevan.
Mrs... That'll be somebody else. See you soon, bye-bye.
DOORBELL RINGS
PAUL MUTTERS You.
I wonder if I might come in.
I think you should come in. Thank you. Come on.
You'd better sit down, Paul.
I've heard of some things in my life, Paul,
but to take a dog, called Cracker, and then to put explosives in it
and blow it apart like a cracker,
I think common parlance is "the pits".
Wait till Jennifer hears.
She'll probably be sitting there in her heart-shaped pool,
sipping her Cristal champagne, which Harrison has bought her.
That's her new boyfriend, by the way.
New boyfriend, you understand that?
Not the old boyfriend who blows dogs to smithereens.
BICYCLE BELL DINGS Excuse me.
What did she say? I haven't spoken to her yet.
When are you going to phone her? I'll phone her
when I've got time and when I've discovered, realised,
worked out what I'm going to say.
Phone her. Why don't you want to phone her?
A, because I'm working. These are books that I'm marking.
I understand. You were going out with her for a long time.
You loved her, she loved you. It went wrong.
You feel butterfly feelings in your tummy when you go to call.
I understand that. You need to take a big daddy breath,
pick up the phone, dial the number and say hello.
I don't know what you think is going on.
It baffles me that you think I'm hung up over a woman
I've not seen for five years. I'm not.
I see a man who's scared and frightened and angry.
I'm frightened of you, because I've never met one of you before.
I'm terrified because I don't know what you or I am going to do.
I can help you mend your heart, Mr Maddens.
DOOR SLAMS
Open the door.
Did you just slam that door? No. Close it properly, please.
LAUGHTER
# Maybe this Christmas will mean something more
# Maybe this year
# Love will appear
# Deeper than ever before
# And maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
# Someone we love
# Someone we've lost... #
CRACKER WHINES
# For reasons we can't quite recall
# Mm-mm-mmm Maybe this Christmas... #
Hello.
SIGHS WITH ANNOYANCE
# Maybe this Christmas... #
I was very impressed with the auditions.
Thank you very much.
I thought there was a wonderful array of talent on display.
So, you can all be proud of yourselves.
Because there is a wonderful array of talent on display,
I've no doubt you can handle this song, which is quite advanced. OK.
# Things are going well in Nazareth
# Our city is full of joy... #
Right, and that goes into... PIANO INTRO
Do you have to do that?
So, fine. That sounds good, doesn't it?
Yes. So, right, so we've got...
# Things are going well... Things are really cool
# In Nazareth In Nazareth
# Our city is full of joy... # Shush.
BOTH SING: # Cos this is where girl meets boy
# In Nazareth Our city is full of joy... #
That's it. Try it. CHILDREN: # Things are really cool
# In Nazareth
# Our city is full of joy
# Cos this is where girl meets boy... #
Who thinks my song is better?
Anyone?
This is far more linear. It's very dirge-like.
Mine is actually...influenced more by Sondheim. But...
OK. Who prefers Mr Poppy's song?
Black. Imagine darkness. A black-out.
The audience thinks, "What's going to happen?"
And some of the children, maybe six or seven, come on here
on that, "de-de-de-de-de-de", toe-heel.
Over here, some more children. De-de-de. So you get this big cross.
At the back, as the cross opens up, we see the city of Nazareth.
The children turn round. They've got cut-outs of the city.
It comes together. There's windows and lights shining through
and people going, "Hello", through the little windows.
Mr Poppy. These children will never be able to do that.
Yes, they will. We're useless.
Everyone knows we're useless. You're not useless.
That's what Mr Maddens calls us. No, I don't.
GIRLS: Yes, you do. No, I don't.
Shush. You told Mrs Bevan that we are.
Who told you that? Sam, she heard you.
You did say we were useless.
I didn't mean useless. I didn't mean useless.
But they will never be able to do that.
Yeah, they will.
Anything we can do, Oakmoor can do ten times better.
Olly, Oakmoor, Shmoakmore.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
The final scene of the play is a really, really important scene.
Do you know what happens at the end of the Nativity?
Baby Jesus is born. Baby Jesus is born.
Right. Who fancies going on a little field trip
to actually see a real baby being born?
Here you are! I've been looking for you, my class. What are we all doing?
We're talking about going on a field trip to see a baby being born.
What d'you mean? It'd be good to do a few field trips.
Go to a farm and see animals. CHILDREN AGREE
It'd be cool for you to see the animals that come to the manger.
Thank you. Can we come in, please?
Enough silliness about babies being born. It's not going to happen.
How can they be convincing if they've not seen a baby being born?
It's called pretending. It's what every child
in every Nativity does every year.
You can't pretend something, unless you've experienced it.
I pretend to like you and I've yet to experience that.
Who wants to see a baby being born?
ALL: Me!
SCREAMING
BABY CRIES
Piglets!
Hello, everybody, I'd like to welcome you
to our annual Christmas bazaar at Oakmoor School.
As you know, Christmas is a time for giving,
a time for charity
and valuing those people less fortunate than ourselves.
So, in that spirit, I'd like to welcome the students
from St Bernadette's School.
# Ding dong merrily on high
# In heaven the bells are ringing Ding dong
# Ding dong verily the sky Ooh ooh
# Is riven with angels singing... #
MULTIPLE HARMONIES
# Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis. #
APPLAUSE
That was good.
They look beautiful. I know. We're never going to beat them.
Ooh.
That one's good, isn't he?
HE SCOFFS
HE GIGGLES
APPLAUSE
How are we, are we all right? Are we ready to give it a go?
We know it a little bit.
Listen, this doesn't matter. It's not a test.
You don't have to get this right.
This is something we do cos we enjoy it. We enjoy singing.
Just to give us an idea of a Mary and Joseph.
OK? Mr Poppy, if you would, please.
Two, three.
# He's not my type
# She's not too bad
# Not the most gorgeous I've ever had
# And yet there's something
# Behind those eyes
# A fire that flickers... #
ALL SHOUT
CYMBALS CRASH
What's going on?
Olly and Alfie, did I see you fighting?
Why were you fighting?
He said I'd be rubbish at Joseph
and I'll never make it in the school play
and if I do, I would let the school down.
Alfie, who made you director?
No-one. But...but he hit me.
Alfie, it's not down to you who's going to be rubbish or good
or who'll let the school down.
You've just let the school down, and so have you, Olly.
You both want to try out for Joseph?
Yes, Mr Maddens. Yeah? Neither of you are going to. Sit down.
I knew you'd never let me!
Jade. Do you want to try for Mary?
Olly. Yes, Mr Maddens. Take your feet of the seat.
Try for Joseph. Come on. Thank you, Mr Maddens.
# I'll grow to love her
# It might work out
# Too young to know
# What it's all about... #
This one I'm quite excited about, but it's a bit of a risk.
It could go either way. If you don't like it, you can just say.
Er... What...? Hang on. What's down here?
Oh, I think I've just found...
What's...? DOOR CLOSES
# Together, for ever
# And always home
# Together... # Other hand.
# For ever and always
# Always home. #
And kiss.
BOTH: And no. They don't have to kiss. Yes.
No, Mr Poppy. What about a cuddle? Jade, Olly. Come here.
Sit here.
That was excellent. Thank you.
You've got a beautiful voice. Thank you.
And, Olly.
That was really good.
Thank you, Mr Maddens.
So, what was all that about earlier?
Alfie got on my nerves. But do you see what I'm saying to you?
I don't care if someone's getting on your nerves, you don't fight.
People think you're a bad lad. Maybe you're not.
The more bad things you do,
people have you marked down as that.
You've got talent and you let yourself down by being silly.
There are only so many conversations I can have about that.
Only so many times I can tell you off. Do you understand?
You don't want to be told off by me. It's boring. I hate doing it.
It's really boring for me as well.
If you could show me more of what you've shown me there,
you could be great in this show.
So, can I be Joseph, Mr Maddens? We don't know that yet.
Boy band, all right.
I'm thinking I can see my boy band here.
I'm thinking this is the boy band, but we've got to whittle it down.
Without TJ. Buddy? No TJ.
Why? I think he'd be a cool Gabriel. OK.
He's in my Gabriel pile.
How will we whittle it down?
We've got to lose two.
Good dancer. Zack is a great dancer. He should definitely be in it.
Matt? Spiky hair and a good dancer.
Right, spiky hair, he's a good dancer.
Plus, he's eye-candy for the girls.
I don't think we need to bother ourselves with that. He's 11.
Have you seen the looks he gets in the playground?
I don't look for those. All these girls are like...
Good. OK, well...
He doesn't walk around the playground, he struts. Erm...
Bobby! Good morning, Mr Poppy.
I'm feeling a bit upset because I haven't got the part in the show.
How do you know that? We're just working it out.
Bob, what do you want to be? I want to be king. Bob...
# She's the brightest star I've ever seen... #
Throw some shapes. INDISTINCT SINGING
# ..She shines down the light
# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy... #
Is there room for a little one?
Hm. Yeah. You're through.
Get in there, baby, get in.
Thank you, Bob.
Chin up.
Things are moving apace a little bit with this Hollywood business.
If they go down the road before they come here, it'll be disastrous.
It's the end of everything. We'll be washed up by the age of ten.
We need to find Jennifer Law,
who's this executive producer - she works in one of the major studios.
I need somebody to go online to find out where she is.
I want her contacted.
We need to find out exactly what they're doing in their show.
ALL: Yes, Mr Shakespeare. We can see what their show's like,
see what they've got going on, then we can top it.
We beat them. If their show's big, we make ours bigger.
SHOUTING
We're going to do a warm-up
because it's very important before we do strenuous rehearsals or activity,
that we are warm our bodies and our minds up.
Minds are equally important to warm up as our bodies.
Hi, Mr Poppy. Hi.
We're going to do a gentle warm-up. You can join us, if you like.
I've got some music. I prepared a warm-up.
A little dance. We're going to limber up.
Copy what I do. And you, Mr Maddens.
MUSIC: "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5
Ho, ho, ho. CHILDREN COPY
# A-ha-ha-ha-ha
# Let me tell you now
# Ooh-hoo
# When I had you to myself I didn't want you around
# Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
# But someone picked you from the bunch
# One glance was all it took
# Now it's much too late for me to take a second look
# Oh, baby, give me one more chance
# Show you that I love you
# Won't you please let me back in your arms?
# Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go
# But now since I see you in his arms
# I want you back Yes, I do now
# I want you back... # Spies!
CHILDREN SHOUT Mr Maddens, it's the freak.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George!
Come on. SHOUTING
SHE LAUGHS Break time.
I wanted to say, you know, if you needed help
with the singing or dancing, or anything like that.
SHOUTING CONTINUES
Step, step, change... Excuse me. Step, step...
Gordon!
I don't know what's happening. What are you doing?
Why've you come to the school? We came on a field trip and...
Excuse me. Excuse me. No... Mr Maddens!
Bundle!
Some of the children have described being encouraged to have a rumble.
What on earth does that mean?
It was more of a bundle than a rumble.
Bundle or rumble, I do not care.
You've dragged this school and your trousers through the mire.
If it wasn't for this Hollywood thing,
you'd be off the premises without a job and without a reference.
Get out, back your classrooms.
Tuck your shirt in. I'm really sorry.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Thank you for coming.
I know a lot of you have heard about the Hollywood connection,
so I'll hand you over to Mr Maddens. Paul.
There was talk about relocating.
Is this... Is there any truth in this?
I don't want any of us to run away with ourselves
and dream about Hollywood mansions or swimming pools,
when we know that is plainly a fantasy.
Yeah, but if the people from Hollywood see something brilliant
in your child, they'll probably take them over there.
I'm worried about the religious aspect being lost.
It will be absolutely, 100%,
in line with the teaching of the Church, a normal Nativity.
Yeah, but also we've got the death slide.
How much are you paying?
There will be no financial benefit, as far as I know.
If you're making a film, there's got to be a fee.
Nobody does a film for nothing.
It's Hollywood, they've got the money.
And he's really good. He deserves to be paid.
About £1 million. I think, I've heard.
We're going to have to get agents. Alfie can't have contacts.
Just don't cast him, then.
My daughter is very beautiful. Will my daughter Becky be...?
My daughter is going to be... She's a Mary, isn't she?
EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE
OK... Hi, Jennifer, this is, er, Paul. Paul Maddens.
Er... Just wondering if you can possibly give me a call back.
I have something to ask you, if that's all right.
If you could give me a ri... Love you.
What are you...?! Don't say that.
Why did you tell me to say that?
It's a nice ending. It's not a nice ending.
It's a totally inappropriate ending. What are you talking about?
Why are you were my house?! I'm just trying to help, Mr Maddens.
It's not helping!
I haven't told her I loved her have a five years...
Get out. What are you doing?
He's doing it for the best,
because if it does happen, it'll be brilliant.
It's not happening. But it might happen. How?
Well... How's it going to happen?
Maybe you could kind of help out. Desmond.
Are you going to be on break duty, today? Can you...?
I was chatting with Miss Rye. You shouldn't be.
Can you get out, please?
Paul. Yeah?
Why did you lie?
About what? About America,
about Hollywood all being a complete load of rubbish.
You've lied about all this. You DID lie.
I'm in shock. I'm in shock.
I'm really sorry. I was looking for the right time.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
You've got to do something. Maybe you've got an idea.
You've got to get Jennifer to return your calls
or speak to you, whatever. Yes.
We're going to film what we've done.
We'll film some of the rehearsals. A best bits.
A best bit of these children? Yes. Four seconds. There are no best bits.
Oh! Come on, Paul!
OK, just get something. Get what you can.
The best thing you can. On the DVD.
Film it for the DVD. Send the DVD.
Stop saying "DVD".
It's got to be worth a try.
Well, I'm not doing the DVD.
# She's the brightest star I've ever seen
# It's like we're living in some kind of dream
# Why do I feel love with her with hope and joy
# Cos she's shining down the light
# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy... #
VOICES FADE TO SILENT
THEY CHEER
OK. Er...
OK, nice and loud. In here, in here. Go!
HE SOBS
'Hello, you don't know me. I've heard a lot about you
'and the children have got something they want to tell you.
'Mr Maddens is having a hard time without you.
'Mr Maddens loves you so much, so can you please come back?
'Please, please come back and mend Mr Maddens' heart.
'Mr Maddens is heartbroken without you.
'Without you, Mr Maddens is lost.
'Mr Maddens is miserable without you, Jennifer.
'So, please, please come.
'Erm, and come and see the show while you're here.
'And everything will be good.'
The Lord Mayor welcomes Mrs Bevan and Mr Maddens!
APPLAUSE
Paul Maddens. Nice to meet you.
How d'you do? Nice to see you again. Lovely to be here.
You look marvellous, by the way.
This old thing comes out at Christmas time.
You look like a Christmas cracker!
Thank you very much.
Let's hope you get pulled before the end of the night!
Can I take you for a drink, Mrs Bevan?
I'm sure you'd like another glass of champagne.
I'd love another one. It's very nice, very cooling.
Patrick Burns. Hello.
Coventry Evening Telegraph. I know who you are, yeah.
Excited? About?
Hollywood?
Oh, yeah, that old thing.
I've got contacts there. Had them for years.
Pulling in a favour.
Yeah. From a young lady. Jennifer, isn't it?
Er, yeah. Yeah...
Sorry, I know how this works. No. You're a reporter and it's...
No, I'm off duty. I'm off duty.
I hear there's no such thing. Please.
Gordon was saying how you had a few problems in the beginning
and then he said to her, "You go, girl. You go to LA."
I just wondered your take on it all.
I'm sensing a lot of anger. Are you? Why would that be, I wonder?
Could it be because you are the man who, five years ago,
roundly trashed my one honest attempt at putting on a Nativity.
It doesn't ring a bell. Sure it was me?
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" was the headline. Now, with a chance...
Oh, come on. It was appalling.
So, you do remember it?
I did that review to make you tough.
Look at you now. You're mixing with Hollywood.
You're no-one if you haven't had a bad review off Patrick Burns.
That's why they call them Burns' victims.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I thank you for your attendance and your support
because I would like to publicly congratulate
Mr Maddens and St Bernadette's School
for the incredible opportunity they are affording our wonderful city.
APPLAUSE
In honour of this occasion, and much against the council's wishes,
the mayor's parlour has overruled the council
and we would like to offer the cathedral ruins
as a venue for your show.
HE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
Mr Maddens.
This is brilliant. This is going to blow your mind.
Prepare to be amazed.
We're doing it at the cathedral.
What?
We're doing the show in the ruins of the cathedral. Yes!
The cathedral's got a spire.
It's got a really high spire. You don't seem to understand
that the bigger this gets...
It's now constituting fraud.
He's getting corporate sponsors involved to give money
and to give their services for free. We need money.
We need lights. We need a little smoke machine. Please.
We need someone to help do the hanging. I can't.
I tried with the rope, but it keeps snapping... Mr Poppy.
Stop it, please. Seriously.
What are you doing? I think I'm having a heart...
Mr Maddens. Don't touch me.
You're upset, aren't you? HIGH-PITCHED: Oh!
I can give you a cuddle. Cuddles make it all go away.
I promise. Feel this.
(You're hurting me.)
We can do this, Mr Maddens, can't we?
"Yes, we can."
No, we can't. We can, we can. Look...
I'll leave you here, all right?
You can listen to the music and just chill out and relax.
I'll take care of the children.
MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP
Believe, Mr Maddens, believe.
# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight... #
Out to here, out to here.
# A cheeky drink A naughty wink... #
Yes.
# Step up and put your shades on Cos I'm about to shine... #
This is the cathedral. Fill the cathedral.
Good. # Cos there's no star like mine! #
Yes.
ALL: # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #
See, that's... Can you cut the music, please? Cut the music.
That has got to come in absolutely after the...
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. #
Bosh! # Sparkle and shine! #
It has to have that ferocity to it.
It's a cathedral we're trying to fill, not just this hall.
You're not hitting me when I'm here.
OK, let's go again, please.
# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight
# A cheeky drink A naughty wink
# We'll loosen up, all right
# Step up and put your shades on
# Cos I'm about to shine
# My blinding light will throw you
# Cos there's no starlight like mine
# Sparkle and shine
# Planets gather round
# Sparkle and shine
# Let's all make a dazzling sound
# Here's something you won't believe
# It's the first time ever It's Christmas Eve. #
HE HOLDS NOTE
Very good. Very good. Well done.
BELL RINGS All right. Be back in an hour. Go.
CHILDREN SHOUT Mr Poppy! Mr...
Right, carefully, please. Carefully, Lucy.
Hello, Sadie. That was great. Well done.
I don't really want to do it. You don't want to do what?
The singing and dancing.
Come here. Sit down. Sit down.
HE CLEARS THROAT
Sadie, that was absolutely brilliant.
Everyone's going to laugh at me.
No, everyone's going to laugh with you.
Anyone who tells you that anyone's going to laugh at you must be a fool,
because you were great up there -
you sparkled and you shone like the brightest star.
You were really good.
Please don't drop out now.
HE SIGHS Truth be known, I need you.
I need all of you in it, OK?
If you don't do it for yourself, please, look at me -
I'm a man literally on the edge of something, I don't know what.
But if you go now, it will really, genuinely...
hurt me.
You were great up there.
Do I have to wear a stupid costume? Yes.
It's the Nativity. You can't look cool.
Go on, have your lunch.
Oh, you're joking!
"Dear Father Christmas,
"I'm so scared of not doing the play properly,
"so please could you make my Christmas wish come true
"and make Hollywood love us in the play?
"PS, make me be Mary. Love, Saffron."
"Dear Santa, please send me loads of stuff and surprises.
"I want to be happy and see more of my mum,
"cos she never spends any time with me.
"And please let me be Joseph.
"She's never seen me do a school play before.
"Thank you very much, from Olly."
"Dear Santa, please, please let my Christmas wish come true.
"I'd really love for everyone in the world to be happy, even Mr Maddens.
"Please help Mr Maddens get his girlfriend back
"when she comes to see us.
"Thank you very much, from Charlotte."
"Dear Father Christmas,
"please make my teacher happy, cos he seems really sad.
"He doesn't even like Christmas.
"So, please help him find his smile. Love from Lizzie."
HE GULPS
Right. Who wants to go on a death slide?
ALL: Me! Yes!
What's going on? I'm going.
What d'you mean, you're going? I'm going to Hollywood. You...
Are you being serious? Yes, I am.
Ah! HE LAUGHS
I want to kiss you. And me too.
No, no. You've got to be here, look after the play.
You're my wingman. Yes, Mr Maddens!
Send me a postcard, man. I will do. OK. Do-do-doo!
TO TUNE OF "HOLIDAYS ARE COMING": # Hollywood is coming! #
CHIMES, FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
Mr Maddens. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mr Maddens.
Hello. Room for two little ones?
Sorry? William and Saffron are coming with you.
They can't come on the plane with me. I've got consent forms.
I've got the passports. Passports? Tickets.
Miss Rye and I thought it would be a good idea if they come with you,
cos they can sing and dance and do the opening numbers and Nazareth.
The gate's closing. She's got allergies.
What are your allergies? Ponies, horses, donkeys and cats.
I don't have time for this. It's a good idea.
Desmond, this is all very sweet. They can help you.
I'm not taking two children on an 11-hour flight.
MUSIC: "Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes
Mr Maddens! Look what we've found! What is it?
So, we're in the right area.
We're closer to her than we were at the beach. Good.
We should be getting very near Beverly Hills now.
Saffron!
If we come across anyone, let me do the talking. You keep schtum, OK?
Now, just follow me.
Excuse me. Hi. Hey, you guys have an appointment?
Er, yes, that's right. I have an appointment with Jennifer Law.
My name is Paul Maddens. Can I see some ID, please?
Sorry? I need to see a piece of ID.
I'm so sorry. Totally my fault. I haven't got it with me.
You're not on the list. I wouldn't let you on if you had it.
Is it possible to check somewhere else?
I've come all the way with these two.
I'll check. If you would.
Follow me.
Come on! Hey!
This way! Hey! Come here! Hey, stop! Come here! Stop!
Quick.
Come on.
OK. OK. Come here. Hold on tight. Hold on tight.
Stop!
Stop! Wait!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Gabriel! Thomas, it's not your bit.
What d'you mean, it's not my bit?
BLEATING
SQUEALING
DONKEY BRAYS
Aw!
TRUMP! Oh!
..That's a David Lowenstein? OK, putting you through.
Good morning, Independent United Pictures. Hi, Angie!
I know!
Putting you through.
How can I help you, sir? My name is Paul Maddens...
Good afternoon, Independent United Pictures. Uh-huh.
That's for Sean Michelle? Putting you through.
I'm sorry, sir. Hi. Paul Maddens to see Jennifer Law at ten o'clock.
Can I take you name again, sir? Paul Maddens. M-A-D-D-E-N-S.
P-A-U-L-L? P-A-U-L. No, just one L. One L.
I don't have that appointment, sir.
Sorry, is... If you'd move away from the desk.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
Tony, we have children in reception! So, what's the problem?
Tony, we have children in reception! What's the problem? Kevin...
I'm so sorry, Jennifer, there's this crazy guy.
Yeah, it's fine. He's been ask... It's OK. I...
You look amazing.
Why are you here?
You know why I'm here. You didn't give me much of a choice.
You didn't return my calls.
Paul. What? I don't understand what I'm meant to do.
Look, you shouldn't be involved in it, but, somehow,
we've got to a situation where the whole town thinks
that Hollywood are coming.
Why do feel like I'm suddenly ten years ago?
I tried to maintain contact with you. You were having none of it.
You did not want anything... Excuse me.
Sorry. Jen, this is that letter of agreement. OK.
You can take time off. I can't take time off.
I know you're busy. I don't understand why...
An executive producer can't just take time off?
I'm not an executive producer.
What do you mean? What are you, then?
I file, I answer phone calls. I speak to people,
I put people in meetings,
I take people out of meetings. A secretary?
Yep. You can't be a secretary. You can't be a secretary.
She does a heck of a lot more than that, pal,
and you should respect her time. I am pretty much a secretary.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry. Look, I know this is mad.
I know this is absolutely insane and it's my fault.
I'm asking you for one more favour and then I'll be out of your life.
I can't do anything. If you can't, who can? Harrison, are you up for it?
I believe the answer is no. Sorry you came all this way...
A trip to England? I'm sorry you have come over here.
Who could help me out, then? If you got an appointment...
I am not leaving here with these two without something to take home, OK?
Come here!
Kevin, get security. Security, please!
This way, this way.
Have you heard of the Nativity?
HE SIGHS You have, I can tell you have.
So, we're doing our Nativity show.
Mary meets Joseph. They... I know the story. OK.
All I need to tell you is it's being performed by 24 children.
It happens every year in every school around the world
where Christians are.
So, what's so special about yours?
A good question. Here's an even better answer.
One, two, three, four.
BOTH: # Things are really cool... # (Sing it out.)
# In Nazareth
# Our city is full of joy
# Cos this is where girl meets boy... #
Yes, that's a Sean Burridge. Putting you through.
Last chance.
Bye, Paul. Thanks for dropping by.
Oh, shut up, Harrison! Hey.
They're not coming, are they?
No, they're not.
Is it our fault? No.
No, it's not your fault. Come on.
Although, you could have sung a bit better.
They're expecting Hollywood to come and see their show.
Mr Parker, we can make that happen. I've got 50 states.
I've got hundreds of towns in each one of those states
that are putting on a Nativity play I can go see.
I don't need to travel 6,000 miles.
Mr Parker, I need you to do this for me.
I have worked here for three years, and...
every morning, at ten to eight, I take your coat, I hang it up.
At nine o'clock, I get you your coffee, I put it on your table.
I take away the letters. I put them into the outbox.
I take the other letters, put them in the inbox. I file, fax, smile.
Jennifer...
..that's what you're paid to do.
I know.
Yeah. Yes.
Hello.
Well?
No joy.
To take two children out of here without my permission,
I can't believe you did it.
Mrs Bevan, I have consent.
Thank goodness. Well... Thank goodness for that.
It's the first thing Mr Poppy gave me.
Otherwise, it's abduction and the school would close. You realise?
Of course. I wouldn't have got on the plane without these.
You realise the school can get in severe trouble over this?
What is this?
I don't know what that is.
What is that? Did you do that?
Desmond, I trusted you.
I trusted you with children. Small lives.
I thought it was something you could rise to,
but you have been a disaster.
I'm sorry, Auntie Pat.
Did you know about this?! I didn't know about that.
But I did know about...
No. What did you kn...?
What did you know? Shush! We've got to tell her. Speak to me, Miss Rye.
What did you know? Um...
Actually, Hollywood, they're not coming.
Um, Paul, Mr Maddens, panicked, I think, and...
lied.
Why did I ever, ever think this school
would ever have anything good happen to it and out of the ordinary
and successful and-and helpful to me and the children?
Why did I ever think that would happen?
Mrs Bevan... You'd better start looking for another job.
Sorry? And you. You're out.
You're irresponsible. You're not focused.
You are, I think, possibly educationally subnormal.
You have an attitude of wanting to be a friend to the children,
rather than a professional adult,
which, by the way, any fool can do that.
Any fool can say, "Hands up, who wants to meet a pig?
"Hands up, who wants to go to a hospital?"
Any fool can do that and it transpires you are that any fool.
I really had high hopes for you.
For five minutes, I thought you were something else. No.
It transpires you are actually just an idiot.
SHE SOBS
As you know, I've been away for a couple of days.
And in that time, something has changed regarding our Nativity.
I'm afraid I let you believe that Hollywood were coming
and they're not coming.
But worse than that,
we are not being allowed to do the show in the first place.
There will be no Nativity.
Can't we do the show, anyway? We don't care about Hollywood.
Unfortunately not. Mrs Bevan is not going to let us to the show.
Er... Please, please, please, Mr Maddens.
Can we still do the Nativity? Please!
I told a lie.
And I let that lie grow and multiply
and turn into lots of other little lies.
And, as I've told you all, probably, on may occasions,
a lie always, always causes more problems than it solves,
which is why I shan't be here next term.
This will be my last term here. I won't be coming back.
And worse than losing my job,
my position, my security, much worse than that,
is that I'm not going to see any of you again.
And...
..that's a very hurtful thing for me.
Come on. Back to your class, please.
# Have yourself a merry little Christmas
# Let your heart be light
# Next year, all our troubles
# Will be out of sight... #
There's a wee joke in it, no? Is there? Yeah.
Yeah! Ah!
Just that little bit.
It's good. It's great, isn't it?
Jennifer, how are you? I'm all right.
INDISTINCT SPEECH
# Until then we'll have to muddle through
# Somehow
# So have yourself a merry little Christmas... #
Who are you and where do you come from?
ALL: We are the three kings and we've come to find the baby Jesus.
He is the new King of the Jews.
Kill every boy child in this land.
Where's my baby, where's my baby? Where's my baby, where's my baby?
Where's my baby? Where's my baby?
Where's my baby, where's my baby? Where's my baby, where's my baby?
ALL SHOUT
SCREAMING THROUGHOUT
I am the king!
APPLAUSE
# So have yourself
# A merry little
# Christmas now. #
Nouns are used to name a person, animal, place, thing or idea.
We've got a football, pineapple, iguana, a guitar.
Nouns can be replaced by these - pronouns.
They can replace nouns or other pronouns.
So, "ours", "she", "one", "he", "it", "this", "you", "none".
Are you all right, Cleo? No, not very.
What's the problem?
Nothing.
TJ?
I miss Mr Poppy. Everyone misses Mr Poppy.
We'd be doing the play if Mr Poppy was still here.
ALL CHANT: Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!
What am I doing?
Meet me in the hall in ten minutes. We're doing the play.
ALL: Yes! ALL CHEER
All right?
BLEATING
Desmond...I've come to apologise.
I said some things to you that were unforgivable
and that weren't true and that were mean.
I want you to do the play with me,
because I told the children we're going to do it
and I can't do it without you.
I messed everything up.
I know I put it on you. I know I did.
You were right all along.
And for ad undas, you've been right on the money.
You said I was scared, I denied it. You were absolutely right.
You said I was still in love with Jennifer.
I denied it and you were absolutely right.
Well, let's do it. What are you waiting for? We'd better get going.
Come on. You're going to do it? Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it. Right, thank you. You're not going to regret it.
Oh, my gosh!
It looks amazing!
You'll remember where to press the button. Nazareth...
I'm nervous. Don't be nervous.
You're a Nazarene. Mr Maddens?
Yes? I don't want to be a building. I want to get a proper part.
You're playing part of Nazareth in a song called Nazareth.
Please, everyone, just calm down! Fingers crossed.
I've forgotten it. I don't want to do it.
I'm nervous and I don't want to do it.
It's you and me. We'll beat them all.
Come on, Mr Maddens. Hey... We've got to get going.
We haven't got much time. This is fine.
It's what everyone in Nazareth wore, even the women.
Not on the women. No.
Buddy, it's exciting. Look. The audience are filling up.
OK. Everybody listen up, all right?
Big bit of advice, and I had to learn this the hard way.
Can everybody make sure you've done a poo and a wee
because there won't be a chance when we get the show going.
You can use my caravan. Just get in there, do a poo and a wee.
Come back. There's no show. There will be no show.
I've just had a call telling me this was happening.
I cannot believe... What is all this? Mrs Bevan.
I cancelled this performance. I cancelled the show. You are sacked.
You know you are sacked. I'm already sacked.
What else can you do? Desmond!
Thank you. Thank you. This is absolutely marvellous.
Well done, young man. Thank you.
Break a leg, kids.
Break a leg. I need to have the microphone. I'm going to do it.
Can you watch on that wing. APPLAUSE
Come on, this'll be sensational. The town will be so proud of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, mums and dads.
I just want to thank you for the effort
and the time you've put into the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I had to single any one person out
for their effort, time, their diligence and their enthusiasm,
it would have to be Mrs B, better known to you as Mrs Bevan.
Come and take a bow. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs Bevan.
Come on. CHEERING
Erm, hello. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
It's very kind of you.
This will be my last Nativity play, so it's a bit special. Really.
We're used to the school hall. We don't have all this beauty around,
normally, for the play.
And the mums and dads who've been before to see our Nativity play
know that things can go a little bit wrong with the little ones.
LAUGHTER
Don't ex... I was going to say don't expect too much.
But, er, I shouldn't have said that. Smack.
Nobody ever expects enough of the children at St Bernadette's.
Everyone expects them to go down the drain.
And I'm going to change that.
That's what I said 17 years ago,
and tonight, it stands a chance of coming true.
I've not seen it. I don't know what's going to happen.
All I know is that each and every one of these children is amazing
and wonderful and a little pocket of stardust. Hear, hear.
I hope you enjoy it. APPLAUSE
# Things are really cool in Nazareth
# Our city is full of joy
# Cos this is where girl meets boy
# Everything is cool in Nazareth
# They're going hand in hand
# This is no one-night stand
# A wedding is being planned here in Nazareth... #
THEY MOUTH
# Nazareth, a place to live
# Always willing to forgive
# Nazareth, our big heart swells
# We can hear those wedding bells
# Wedding bells
# Feeling in a fix in Nazareth
# Rules are to be obeyed
# Arrangements are being made
# Got to get your kicks in Nazareth
# Here we go, on our way
# Start of a brand-new day
# Still you cannot be swayed
# Good old Nazareth. #
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
# He's not my type
# She's not too bad
# Not the most gorgeous I've ever had
# I'll grow to love her
# It might work out
# Too young to know what it's all about
# And yet there's something behind those eyes
# A fire that flickers but never lies
# Could I love him?
# Could she love me?
# You can't rush into what it's meant to be
ALL: # One look
# And we're for ever
# One look and it's like we've always known
# One look
# We're boxing clever
# Together for ever
# And always hope
# Together for ever
# And always, always hope. #
APPLAUSE
OK, mate. It's your big moment.
Don't look down.
THUNDERCLAP
SHE SCREAMS
# OK, people, hear the news I've got something to yell about
# OK, people, forget the blues
# Here's something to feel swell about
# Good news Click your fingers
# Good news Stamp your feet
# Good news Always lingers
# Good news Feel the beat
# Good news Wakey, wakey
# Good news Shake your ass
# Good news Shaky, shaky
# Good news Listen, mass
# Good news
# Hey, little sister Hear the word
# There ain't no need for a big stuffed bird
# Time to holler, time to dance
# Whoo!
# Y'all gonna need some bigger pants
# Good news, good news
# Yeah! Good news
# Good news
# You'd better go when you get the idea... #
Mr Maddens? Yes, darling? I have a tummy ache.
Oh, Sam, I need you to go on. Have you tried taking deep breaths?
Yeah. Tried taking your hat off for once? Mm-hm.
OK. Alfie, you're going to have to do it. What?
Can you go on in Sam's place, please? No way.
Why? Because that's a girl's costume.
You already look like Barbarella. What's the difference?
Go in there, get dressed. Thank you.
SONG FINALE
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
Mary and Joseph were told they had to travel to Bethlehem
to be counted,
because of the nasty, mean King Herod. Stop!
Mary had to... You, shut up. Stop! Stop, everyone.
That'll do. OK, that's the end. Stop.
I'll have that, please. Give me that. Hey!
My name's Gordon Shakespeare. Just telling you now.
You thought you were here to see Hollywood. It's why you're here.
Not to see this sub-standard chav-fest.
It falls upon me to tell you that no-one was coming from Hollywood.
Nobody's coming and nobody will.
That man is a sham.
(What?) As if Hollywood would come to Coventry.
No. Look at him.
He's a dishonest person.
He lied.
(What is it?)
It's a star.
HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADES WHIRR
MR POPPY: It's Hollywood!
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen!
May I please introduce to you
the Star of Bethlehem and her sparkly, sparkly!
# Ooh, ooh
# Ooh, ooh ooh-ooh
# Aah!
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #
OK, everybody. Clap your hands.
I'm a superstar and I'm coming out tonight.
# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight
# A cheeky drink A naughty wink
# We'll loosen up, all right
# Stand back and put your shades on
# Cos I'm about to shine
# My blinding light will throw you
# Cos there's no starlight like mine
# Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh ooh
# Sparkle and shine
# Planets gather round
# Sparkle and shine
# Let's all make a dazzling sound
# Here's something you won't believe
# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve
# I've got my light within me and it's coming out for you
# I'm dizzy with self-confidence Hope you can feel it too
# I'm lighting up the skies tonight So come on, join the party
SINGS GRUDGINGLY: # Make the moment last all night
# And keep the skies all starry... #
Olly! Your mum's here. I just saw her. She's right at the back.
When you do your rap, look for her and give it your everything.
Mr Maddens, the donkey's freaking out. Sorry?
I gave it chocolate and it's feeling icky. Chocolate?
Can you check on it. I'm doing the narration.
# ..Dazzling sound
# Here's something you won't believe
# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve. #
APPLAUSE
The four kings saw the beautiful shining star
rising from the East Side.
They thought she looked... HE ROLLS "R"
So they decided to follow her.
SLOW R&B TUNE PLAYS
One time. ECHOES
Come on, come on, come on.
Two times. # Shining down the light Come on, come on
# Peace to the star
# Shining down the light
# What a moment when I saw her first
# She stole my heart So it's about to burst
# I'm the guy she twinkles for
# Je t'adore Cos she's blinding me with love
# She's my saviour from above
# She's the brightest star I've ever seen
# Brightest star
# It's like we're living in some kind of dream
# It's like some kind of dream
# Why do I feel overcome with hope and joy?
# Cos she's shining down her light
# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy
# I'm feeling like I've got to follow her
# With frankincense and lots of gold and myrrh... #
Excuse me.
# She is gonna lead the way to Christmas Day
# Hallelujah, feeling good Time to leave this neighbourhood... #
Hello, Mr Maddens. SHE LAUGHS
You weren't coming.
I know.
(RAPS) She's the shining star from above
She sprinkles and she twinkles and I wanna be her love
I wanna squeeze her, please her Share my pizza
(DEEP VOICE) Extra spicy
She makes me hotter than the colour Fizzy deep inside
I wish I was a sleigh I'd take her for a ride
She's tiny, she's shiny She sparkles in the night
I love her and I need her to guide me through the night...word!
ECHOES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eventually, Mary and Jo-Jo
found an innkeeper what was nicerer. He said...
You can use my stable. At least it's dry.
Yeah, man. Huh! LAUGHTER
They asked the animals if they could nestle down to pop out Baby Jesus.
BRAYING
The donkey said, "Neigh."
But the other animals said it was all right.
And everyone what was anyone gathered around to witness...
SCREAMING
Buddy, what happened?
Well, I put that plug in and it all exploded.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it. You've got to get on stage.
I'm going to give you all a candle. We've got these candles.
As soon as you've got one, make your way out onto the stage.
Everyone, this is Jennifer, who've you've heard about from Hollywood.
ALL: Hello. Hi. Get a candle. Right?
# Sometimes life is not all it can be
# And here we are
# Wondering just how far this road can lead
# And here we are
# And from the darkness shines a bright burning star
# And who we are is changing within our hearts
# One night One night
# One moment And everything's changed
# One night, one moment
# And everything is changed
# One night, one moment
# Tonight is so pure and so special
# We'll never feel lonely again
# Cos we are all standing together
# As friends
# Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ooh
# And everything's changing for ever
# One night, one moment... #
HE HOLDS NOTE
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Yes!
Come on, everybody, clap your hands.
We're going to tear the roof off this place. Let's rock'n'roll!
Rock, rock. Wig out!
Yes!
OK, best back-flips ever!
SQUEALING
Olly.
GASPING
Yeah!
Edward.
TRUMP NOISES
TJ, throw some shapes.
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
SHE BELCHES Yeah!
OK, we've got special guests from Oakmoor. Thomas, joined by Frankie.
Yeah!
Mr Maddens,
come up, come up.
Bring Jennifer with you. Come on.
Miss Rye!
I love you.
Critic man, come up and boogie!
It doesn't matter how many stars you give it.
Gordon. Come up.
No, Gordon. Come on. Gordon. Gordon. Come here.
# Sparkle and shine Planets gather round
# Sparkle and shine Let's all make a dazzling sound
# Here's something you won't believe
# It's the first time ever Christmas
# Sparkle and shine Planets gather round
# Sparkle and shine
# Let's all make a dazzling sound
# Here's something you won't believe
# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve. #
'And, from that night, me and Jennifer
'fell in love with each other, and Christmas, all over again.
'And as for our Nativities, they just kept getting better.'
Don't mind being a shepherd or a stage manager.
I always wanted to be Mary in the whole of my life.
I would like to be Angel Gabriel.
HE GURGLES
I wouldn't mind being a donkey.
TRUMPING NOISES
Actually, I'd quite like to be the star.
SHE BURPS Bah humbug!
You might not like this, but you might do.
It's dancing.
# One night
# One moment and everything's changed
# One night, one moment
# And everything's changed
# One night, one moment
# Tonight is so pure and so special
# We'll never feel lonely again
# Cos we are standing together
# As friends
# Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ooh
# And everything's changing for ever
# One night
# One moment... #
Why do you want to play an innkeeper?
Because I'd love to, because he swears all day.
# Silent night
# Holy night
# All is calm
# All is bright
# Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
# Holy Infant so tender and mild
# Sleep in heavenly peace
# Silent night
# Holy night
# Shepherds quake at the sight
# Glories stream from heaven afar
# Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia
# Christ the Saviour is born
# Jesus, Lord, at thy birth
# Jesus, Lord
# At thy...
# Birth. #