This film contains some strong language and adult humour
This is how it started.
Four best friends and a book.
Vivian was the one who had the idea.
She'd seen it in a magazine, and it was that very first book
that gave her a lifelong philosophy.
You know what I find sexiest about you?
Do tell. You don't need me. I don't need anyone.
It's the secret to my success.
And successful she was.
The hotel we were standing in front of, hah, she owns.
And ten years later, she tore it down and built a new one.
Good morning, Miss O'Donnell.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'll call you back.
Slim?
This is Arthur. The first time they had sex was on a mix board.
They were madly in love.
He proposed. She said no. He left town.
My, oh, my. Arthur Riley.
What's it been, 40 years?
That's impossible. That would mean I was only six.
Still a wiseass, huh?
Old habits die hard.
I got to get back to this meeting, but, uh, are you going to be in town
for a while? I would hope so. I do live here.
I'll find you. It's good to see you, Slim.
Now, Sharon was Vivian's roommate
as an undergrad at Stanford.
Then she went to law school. Of the 301 people in her graduating class,
62 were women.
Of the 62, one became a federal judge.
He's on the phone now?
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a five-minute recess.
All rise.
This court will stand in recess for five minutes.
No, no, no. You're never interrupting.
How is Hawaii?
You got en...engaged?
Why? I mean, wow!
I didn't mean why, I meant wow. Wow.
Well, if I sound judgmental, that...
..that's a professional hazard.
Who's Cheryl?
Oh, I didn't know your father was seeing someone.
Good for him.
And you. Good for both... Congratulations all around. Yeah.
In 1985, Sharon married Tom because he made her laugh.
By 1999, she was no longer laughing. And the final straw came
when Tom asked her what Don Quix-ote was about.
The marriage ended and Sharon bought a cat.
Carol put herself through culinary school,
working as a waitress at a diner.
She had two goals in life. One, to own and operate her own restaurant.
And two, to marry the man of her dreams, Bruce Colby.
Since the moment they met, they've not been able to keep their hands
off each other. Ooh!
Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.
Dance lessons. Oh! Yeah. Wow. Yes.
Because the No Kid Hungry fundraiser is a talent show this year,
and I signed us up.
To be in the talent show? Yes!
Yes, I thought it was something fun we could do together
now that you're retired.
This is gorgeous!
Oh! Eargasms!
Yeah, I got us both a pair.
Multiple Eargasms. Who does not love that?
Well, no, it's so you can watch TV in bed without disturbing me,
and my snoring won't keep you awake.
Huh? That's very thoughtful.
What do you say we get home and...
I say yes. Yay.
BRUCE SNORES
HE SNORES LOUDER
And then there's me.
I didn't know what my path was going to be,
and then it hit me, with a wave of nausea,
because of this guy Harry Whittaker.
We got married, and I became a...
WOMEN: Mom! What?
Stop already.
What? No! I just need to clear the caulk.
Clear the caulk? Yes.
There's a cute little ladybug trying to get out the window.
OK, someone's been watching way too much HGTV.
Hmm? Mom, put the screwdriver down.
What? Mom... Uh-huh?
We've been talking. Yes.
We want to move you to Arizona.
Move me? Yeah. Oh, my God. What am I, cattle?
These are our two daughters.
Harry is an accountant.
Well, he was an accountant.
Your house is falling apart,
and you don't have Dad to fix it.
I know, but my friends, they live here.
And your family lives there.
We just want you close to us, Mom.
No, but...
Feel it out for the weekend. If not for you, for us, please.
It's what Dad would've wanted. All right.
Well, it's been over 40 years and, through it all, every month,
we still get together for...
CORK POPS
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Arthur as in Arthur?
Oh, no, wait a minute. Are you talking about - Oh! -
radio-station-sex Arthur?
Yes! Proposed-with-a-milkshake Arthur?
That Arthur. And he's staying at the hotel.
Does he not hate you, though? He's got to.
No. That was 40 years ago!
Yeah, but still.
Oh! There she is.
My son is engaged, and my husband is in Maui
with a tartlet named Cheryl.
Oh... I need a drink.
Your husband?
You can't possibly still care about what Tom is doing.
I don't care.
But the guy gets seasick in a swimming pool.
I mean, what the hell is he doing in Maui?
Sounds like he's doing Cheryl in Maui.
Oh, please.
LAUGHTER
Who gets involved in a relationship at 67?
I mean, what is the point?
The point is to get laid. It's always the point.
Don't make me sick.
Who still says "get laid"?
Who still has any interest?
No, no, no. I am not gonna let us become those people.
What people are you talking about? You know what people.
The people who stop living before they stop living.
Ah. I haven't had sex since my divorce,
and it's been the happiest 18 years of my life.
What?! That must be some kind of record.
I mean, what even happens to a vagina after 18 years?
I think Werner Herzog did a documentary on that.
Yeah. It's called The Cave of Forgotten Dreams.
OK! Will you stop it?
Moving on, let's talk about the book.
Oh, God. The hiking book, really?
Come on! I liked it!
It's such a remarkable undertaking. Can you imagine?
No, I cannot. I don't even like walking to my mailbox.
It's just an amazing story.
I mean, so many layers. I wouldn't even know how to break it down.
I'll break it down for you.
She hikes, she lost her boot, she did heroin.
Did you only read the back cover?
VIVIAN GULPS
I wish.
I kept wanting to shout at her,
"Oh, wait ten years, honey. Dry shampoo is coming."
If you would ever connect with something
on a more emotional level...
Emotional connection is highly overrated.
You have not had an emotional connection for 40 years.
Wow, that must be some type of record.
Yeah, but what happens to emotions after 40 years?
OK, OK, are you guys having fun?
Oh, come on. You know we love you.
Maybe it's time you did take a hike
and try to reconnect with your own true self.
I'll buy you a backpack.
I'll tell you how to reconnect with your own true self,
and it ain't by walking alone through the desert.
I would like to introduce you to Christian Grey.
Oh...
Oh, no.
What? It was a bestseller made into a movie.
And that is our theme this year. Oh, wow.
We are not reading this.
It's my month!
When it's your month, you can choose whatever boring,
depressing book you want.
I'm not sure this qualifies as a book.
Well, 50 million people can't be wrong.
To-to even be holding this book is embarrassing.
Who's judging you, your cat?
I do like the idea of a romance.
We are too old!
But it says right here, "for mature audiences."
Yeah, that certainly sounds like us.
We started this book club to stimulate our minds.
Well, from what I hear, this book is quite stimulating.
Oh, God.
So, come on!
Let's toast to our new book. All right.
Oh, good. Drink up. Hoist that glass.
Yeah. Happy reading, ladies!
Oh, my... Oh, I didn't...
I'm really so terribly...
I'm so sorry.
SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY
You need some help? I'm sorry. No, I'm fine.
I really didn't mean to disturb you.
Too late. I know, I know.
Oh, woo.
It's just so humiliating.
Are you OK? I'm...
I'm really scared of flying. You shouldn't be.
Oh, yeah, well, I won't be once these...
kick into my bloodstream.
The safest way to travel.
Want to know why you think that? Why?
Because you never really met anybody who's been in a plane crash,
and you want to know why? Why?
Because they're all dead.
I think those pills are affecting you already.
CHUCKLING: I think so. Oh, my God.
What takes you to Arizona?
Oh, my...
My daughters live there. Mm.
Well, that should be fun.
Not exactly.
They're kind of forcing me to go. Why?
SHE EXHALES SHARPLY Well...
My husband, he died last year, so...
Plane crash?
LAUGHING: Oh! You didn't say that.
Sorry, that was a bad joke. That's OK.
No, really, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry, too. No, well...
Thank you, that's sweet. Thank you so much.
Yeah...
LOUD THUMP
Oh! WOMAN: Hey!
SHE SHRIEKS HE GROANS
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Oh, this is terrible.
Wow. I'm so...
That was the jet bridge and we're still on the ground.
We're still on...? Yeah.
I'm so terribly sorry.
SHE GROANS
I'm quite all right. OK.
Anything I can do to make your flight more comfortable.
I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
OK.
WHISPERS: Give me a break, OK?
VIVIAN: Oh...
SHE MOANS
Oh, my God, yes.
You know, I was wondering. Huh?
That must have been one heck of a book you were reading.
May I ask what it was?
Moby Dick. That's what it was. Moby Dick?
Uh-huh. Melville.
I didn't realise that Christian Grey had a nickname.
SHE LAUGHS
Er... Enjoy Arizona. Yeah, sure, of course.
Not a problem.
INTERCOM: Miss O'Donnell, I have an Arthur Riley for you.
Is that so?
Take a message.
Take a message? Really?
Oh...
I didn't realise that...
SHE CLEARS THROAT
..that you were here.
We just saw each other in the lobby two days ago.
Pity. They say the memory is the second thing to go.
What's the first thing to go?
Can't remember.
I'm impressed.
How did you find me? Google.
Google? Yeah. It's a service on the computer.
Yeah, I know Google.
Oh, well, I'm younger than you, so I didn't know...
Oh, cute.
Cute.
What do you say?
May a gentleman buy you a cup of coffee?
Well, a gentleman certainly may.
Do you know of one?
It was the mid-'80s.
I became obsessed with risk management.
You obsessed with work?
SHE CHUCKLES
That's crazy.
I know, right? Shocking!
I could see the system was set up for trouble.
Of course, none of the men in my firm believed me.
Well, men can be a little slow on the uptake.
Bad for them, good for me.
And, um...
you never picked up a husband along the way?
No!
Like I said, I'm way too good...
at forecasting risk.
I figure, by now, I've saved myself a lot of money in legal fees.
True dat.
How about you? Is there a Mrs Riley?
Oh, yes.
The good Mrs Riley is back on the East Coast,
having absconded with my last name, my dog,
and my co-op on the park.
What did you do wrong?
Well, let's just say
I was a little less good at assessing risk.
Whoa! Tom, talk about false advertising.
FANFARE PLAYS ON SPEAKER
WHISPERS: Whoa!
Jesus.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Join Tom and Cheryl and millions of others
who found love on Bumble.
Join Tom and Cheryl as they copulate in a coconut tree.
Judge Meyers? Yes?
Hi. It's 12:15.
Well, I really have to stay with this, so, um...
If you could just tell them that
we have to move it to next week, please.
Of course, yeah.
Rev up your love life with these tips from Bumb...
Make love happen now and change your li...
Do you need anything else, Your Honour?
A man of your dreams is just a click away.
No, I don't. I'm fine, thank you. Yep.
DOOR CLICKS SHUT
Here you go.
Make a wish.
What are you doing?
I made a wish. What did you wish for?
I always wish for the same thing - a healthy planet.
That's not your wish.
That's not even a wish!
Wishes have to be personal, not global.
Since when? Since for ever.
HE SIGHS
And, secondly, you can't tell anybody your wish.
Otherwise it negates the whole thing.
No, God, you're not gonna go in there. Don't do that.
Well, somebody has to.
You made an improper wish
and you've jeopardised the entire planet.
Oh, God, you are insane.
You are insane! Don't go in!
Oh...
I have no choice here.
You're obviously the type of person
who's too delicate to go in after her own penny.
Oh, you think I'm delicate?
SHE SHRIEKS
See? Delicate.
You know, what you're reading as delicate is this.
It's this bracelet that costs as much as a car!
Let's see that bracelet.
Oh, no! Not my phone! Oh, dear!
Oh, dear. No, no. Oh, boy,
now you have done it.
Oh, what do you mean?
God, it's scary how addicted you kids are to your phone.
Oh! No, give it to me! Oh, no, you don't.
Hold on one second here!
LAUGHING: I've never seen...
You know, I think you might need to talk to someone about this.
I see why you lost your co-op on the park.
I hope that's waterproof. Oh, no.
SHE SQUEALS
WHISTLE BLOWS
No bathing in the fountain. OK!
But, technically, we're not bathing.
Arthur... And she started it.
He doesn't care who started it! WHISPERS: It was him.
Out. All right.
Oh!
Ah, wait a minute.
I found it. Oh, that's so great.
HE LAUGHS
Oh! Did you see that?
Would you mind just taking a photo?
SIGHING: I hate my life.
It might take a little bit of time,
but you're gonna love it here in Arizona.
I don't... Let's face it,
you being here makes more sense for all of us.
We can't jump on a plane every time something happens to you.
What are you talking about, "happens to me"?
You could slip and fall at any moment.
I don't want to overstate the dangers
for a woman your age living alone,
but I did research online, and it's pretty alarming.
But you do know, I mean, I'm really not that old.
Well, no, you're not, Mom, but neither was Dad.
I know, honey, I know.
I need a coffee.
Well, the good coffee is all the way upstairs.
Mom, why don't you wait down here? Wait down here? Sure.
God forbid, I can't go up an escalator at my age.
But hurry back. I could slip and fall at any moment.
Just sit there, Mommy. Ooh!
I'll get you a chamomile?
Yeah, thanks.
Be careful! Uh-huh.
They brought the kids to see you? Yeah.
That's good.
Oh, God, what?
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Have you ever been spanked?
What?! As an adult, sexually.
I mean, is this what people are doing?
Carol, it's Diane. You dialled the wrong number.
No. Have you not read the book?
Yes, yes, I've read it. Of course I have.
And? I don't know who her lawyer is,
but she should not have signed that contract.
Look, clearly, we have things to discuss.
I'm gonna call an emergency book club.
That means you got to get back here, pronto.
I'd come back for an emergency colonoscopy,
but it's just a little bit more complicated here.
Oh, God. How is life in Scottsdale?
Well, I don't know. I feel like I'm...
SNORING
..in an episode of
The Walking Dead.
Wait a second, you sound out of breath. Where are you?
I'm going to a...a dance rehearsal and I'm late.
You're late? You're never late. I know!
This book has got me in a total tizzy. Just get back here.
I'll get back there. Bye.
SHE SIGHS
Wow. Chin up.
LATIN MUSIC PLAYS
And one, two, three, go, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two, three... Wait.
Stop!
MUSIC STOPS
Stop, stop, stop!
Honey, I think we were supposed to go this way.
To the left. Right.
Which is what I did. His left.
This way.
Back, two, three, side, two, three.
OK, I got it. I was wrong.
I was wrong, you were right.
My little Fred Astaire,
I will follow you wherever you want to go.
How about lunch? STERNLY: We start again.
You know what? I'm wondering,
do you think it would be possible for us
to just skip straight to our choreography?
We must first learn...to dance!
Right. I know.
But I sort of do know how to dance. Come on, I do.
I still remember the whole tap dance
to Red, Red Robin Goes Bob, Bob, Bobbin' Along
that I did when I was six.
It's like savant-ish.
IN HUNGARIAN: Sounds like you peaked early.
What?
What did she say? You're asking me?
So, what is going on with little Ginsburg here?
Well, she's not herself lately.
She...she has no energy.
She's really lost the spark of life.
She's just kind of blah.
It sounds like we have a lethargic pussy on our hands.
Seriously?
Have there been any changes at home?
Any new people or pets moving in or out?
LAUGHING: At home? Oh, God, no.
There hasn't been a change at home for ever.
And what about diet?
I've tried a few, but I like to eat.
So whatever weight I take off, I put right back on,
so it's, uh, useless.
You're talking about the cat.
I am a veterinarian.
I knew that.
CABIN CREW: Would the passenger in seat 17D
please report to the cockpit?
I repeat, the passenger in seat 17D,
please report to the cockpit. Thank you.
Oh. Hi.
I just need a little bit more information from you.
Oh! Oh.
Um, we need phone numbers, home and cell.
And cell...
Also, a current home address.
What, really? Mm-hm.
Oh, OK.
Also, an email and whatever nights you are typically free.
You...
DOOR CLICKS OPEN
You've got to be kidding me.
Pilots, we never kid about things like this.
LAUGHING: No!
Wait, I don't understand.
What are you doing here? Flying the plane, I think.
So, you're a pilot?
I think so. They gave me the hat.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
This is how you ask someone for their number?
Not usually, but you are very special.
Uh-huh.
So, can I take you to dinner?
ALARM BEEPS
Oh, my God!
What's going on here?
I think what I'm doing is asking you to dinner.
But what is the beeping? It's an alarm.
Yeah, but what does that actually mean?
Usually, an alarm means that there's something wrong.
Well, then, go fix it! I mean...
I can't, I'm in the middle of something.
Let's just cut this short. Do something, OK? Just do something.
I can't really do anything until we figure this dinner thing out.
OK, fine! Now, what the hell? Just get the hell back in there!
HE CHUCKLES
ALARM CONTINUES
OK, here's the alarm.
ALARM STOPS
I will call you.
Oh, God.
Oh, this book! I mean, the things Christian does to her!
My God! It's absurd.
I could have put him in jail for any one of those things.
But she sure was having fun.
Yes, she was.
It's not like we don't have fun.
No, but it's a different kind of fun.
Very different. Like this.
This is fun. For sure.
I just can't stop thinking about when he snuck her off
and he gave it to her right there in the boathouse, you know?
Oh, the boathouse. Yeah.
Do you think anyone our age still goes...
Hi, beautiful friends!
Yeah, I think some people do.
Uh, let me guess. You saw Arthur again.
I did, I did. We had coffee.
And you slept with him.
Oh, God, no!
Although I have to admit, he's still very charming and fun.
So you find him charming and fun, but you didn't sleep with him.
Exactly.
I don't sleep with people I like. You know that.
I gave that up in the '90s.
You make no sense.
I make perfect sense.
Now, now, now, now, tell me what is going on.
And tell me everything. You are too happy.
I don't like this. Whoo! OK.
Best book ever! Yes!
What is going on?
Oh, yeah. No, wait.
Imagine this, OK?
Um, so, me sitting on a plane,
uh, you know, reading our little book...
and, well, this, um, devilishly handsome man...
Oh, my God, is this going where I hope it is?
Yes, yes, it is. You know what he did? He asked me out to dinner.
Well, that's not exactly...
Oh, sh! You met a man on an airplane?
Yeah, and guess what? A pilot!
THEY LAUGH
Love a man in uniform.
Your husband just died!
Harry. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, he was...
Oh... He was such a good man.
I always thought that was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Harry dying was the best thing that ever happened to her?
Yeah, cos now she can have sex
with somebody who's not an accountant.
Wait a minute. Are you crazy?
Sex? Just forget about it.
I don't even remember how to have sex. No way!
Don't worry, it'll all come back.
It's just like riding a bicycle.
Except, instead of riding a bicycle, you have sex with a man.
Note to self - watch Carol ride a bicycle someday.
If you need a refresher,
I know somebody who sure does know how to have sex.
I don't know what that is, but I'll tell you one thing -
it's definitely not sex, OK?
No, you're right, that's not sex.
That's crazy, hot sex.
Can we please stop saying "sex"?
What do you prefer, make love?
"I don't make love. I f..."
SHARON COUGHS
"..hard."
That's what he said. Oh, my. Ooh!
You've completely lost it.
No, I think she's found it. Yeah.
She's found it. Handcuffed in the red room, right?
SHE IMITATES WHIP CRACKING
The whip.
The red room.
Bruce must be having such fun with all this.
Oh, yes, such fun, actually.
Yeah.
What is that?
CAROL GROANS This book made me realise that
it's been quite a while since we... You know?
As in...as in weeks?
Mm, like, maybe six.
Six weeks? Months.
Oh, God, I thought you guys were like rabbits.
We are, if rabbits took a ton of Benadryl
and made a chastity pact.
Oh, my God, we have to put a stop to this.
Oh, come on.
I mean, if women our age were meant to have sex,
God wouldn't do what he does to our bodies.
Whoa! Well, speak for yourself.
That was not God. That was Dr Nazarian.
SHE LAUGHS
He did a good job.
Hey, everyone.
THEY GASP
Oh! Hey! What's the topic this month?
Wha...
Moby Dick.
Oh, yeah, sounds like fun.
Carol? What?
You are not gonna believe what I pulled out of the garage.
My old motorcycle.
That poor thing hasn't been ridden in ages!
Poor thing. Oh, there's a little sag in the cables.
She's still got a gorgeous chassis.
You know, I was thinking maybe I could lube her up
and get that old gal riding again.
Yeah, yeah, good idea. That's good.
Give her undercarriage a good buff and slap a little wax on her saddle.
DIANE SUPPRESSES LAUGHTER
Well, I hope he uses protection.
Shut up.
Moby Dick?!
What was that? I don't know.
I don't know why my mind keeps going there.
It's like, duh. Ladies, this book is a wake-up call.
I don't care what society says about women our age.
Sex must not be taken off the table.
Hold on. I mean, we are four smart, successful women.
I don't need a man.
Well, I know. You've proved that for 18 years.
Touche.
No, my point is, the choice should be ours.
Speaking of which, we are doubling down.
How about this for a choice?
SHE LAUGHS
Oh! Thank God it's a trilogy. My God!
Especially for you, Sharon. Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Ladies...
What? Ladies... Yes?
Yes?
We shall not go gentle into that goodnight.
DIANE LAUGHS
So, let's lube up those bikes and get riding again!
THEY HOWL
"I groan and tilt my pelvis involuntarily against him,
"finding a delicious..."
SHE LAUGHS
"..a delicious friction..."
Oh, this is really something.
"..against the seam of his fly and his growing erection."
PHONE RINGS
Oh, dear.
Oh, my God, OK, OK.
Hello? ADRIANNE: Hey, are you OK?
You were supposed to call me after dinner.
Yeah, I'm fine, Honey. I just finished.
Did you eat alone?
Yes, alone.
God, it's all so sad.
Yeah.
OK, but anyway, thanks for checking in,
and I really should get to bed.
Remember, we can put you in the basement whenever you're ready.
OK.
SHE SIGHS
WHISPERS: Whoa.
LAUGHING: I mean...
Wow, wow.
PHONE RINGS
Mm.
Hello.
MITCHELL: Is that really how you answer the phone?
All right, who is this? OK, I'm gonna hang up now,
and then I'll call you back and we're gonna try this again.
Oh, my God.
SHE LAUGHS PHONE RINGS
It's over.
I mean, I can't do anything right, obviously. OK.
CHIRPILY: Hello there!
Hey, hello there. Much better.
Have you had dinner?
Oh, I have, yeah.
How about tomorrow night?
Dinner tomorrow night?
Sounds great. Thought you'd never ask.
What time should I pick you up?
But I...I really can't, so...
Why can't you?
No, I mean... I mean, of course I can,
but where are you anyway?
I'm in Sedona.
But I'm in... Oh! So, I'm in Santa Monica, so...
I'm aware. I'll pick you up at 6:30.
Well, wait. But you can't just kind of like...
Actually, I can. I'll see you tomorrow night.
LAUGHING: Oh, God.
Oh, dear.
Oh. Someone make a bad wish?
Oh, you should know I rescue wishes all over town.
Wanna grab a cup of coffee?
Oh, I...I can't today.
Well, I'd like to grab a drink sometime.
We have an excellent bar on the mezzanine level.
Oh, you meant with me?
You're funny. Oh.
OK, it's a date, then.
HE WHISTLES
I love that you have a date!
Yeah, and it's a first date,
so it's important that you put on something sexy.
Oh... But I don't own anything sexy.
Don't listen to her. Just be comfortable.
Be yourself.
OK. Well, what about...
Does this...
That's too comfortable.
Right. Yeah, no. No.
OK, fine.
I can take that to Goodwill for you.
Oh, don't do that to them!
Those people have enough trouble.
She always does this. WHISPERS: I know.
She wears these voluminous things to cover that beautiful figure.
All the time!
What do you think? Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God! Yes! It's perfect!
No, it's.... No, you look great! Come on. You look perfect.
Let me see. I don't want... Let me see.
Oh, my God, you look so good.
No, no... We're gonna unbutton one little button here.
Show off the girls. SHRIEKS: Get off!
Let them out! Oh, no, no, no.
This is so ridiculous.
It's so exciting.
Oh, I can't believe how nervous I am.
I know! I am, too. Do you even remember your last date?
We're talking Nixon era.
Wait, is that helping?
No.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, God. I need a safe word.
Come here. Mm-hm.
OK, you're gonna be great. Mm-hm.
WHISPERS: You're gonna do great! Yeah.
This is gonna be amazing!
Let's get to the window.
Just act natural. Showtime!
Well, hey, you. Oh, good, you're home.
He's wearing jeans.
I love a man in jeans.
Let me see!
OK.
He's got a cute tush.
Oh, God!
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
Erm...
Oh! You-You brought me flowers?
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
He brought flowers!
I love a man who brings flowers.
If you don't like them, you have to blame your neighbours.
I picked them from their garden.
You're kidding me. No.
The last time she went on a date, she got pregnant!
VIVIAN: I don't think that's gonna happen this time.
He gave up... He gave up on you?
I know. That's OK.
So, where were we? Oh. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, a bathroom.
A public bathroom? It was in a... Like, a public bathroom?
Yeah, like in a park. Whoa.
In a park? Well, yes, I was 11.
The setting wasn't the first thing on my mind.
CHUCKLES: No.
Right. What about you? Me? Oh, I don't remember. Ugh.
Everybody remembers their first kiss.
How about I tell you about my best kiss?
Maybe that hasn't happened yet.
Oh, I see. Well. Hmm.
My first kiss. Mm.
That'd be the sixth grade and Terry Sanders.
Terry Sanders. Uh-huh. Is that a boy or a girl?
CHUCKLES: A boy, obviously.
I don't know, you know, so...
Anyway, it was one of those Christmas mixers.
You know, some friends and I, we snuck backstage.
And it was dark, and I remember hearing
the first bluesy notes of At Last -
remember, by Etta James? Mmm.
And it came billowing, you know, down through the curtains,
and that is when Terry Sanders...
Mm-hm. ..he came up to me, and he said...
It was so sweet! He said, "I think I love you, Dee-Dee." No.
Yeah, and then he grabbed my face with both of his hands,
and he was like, I don't know...
Maybe he had seen it in some movie or something.
Right, right. But he held my face, and, for a moment,
my mind just went completely blank in the greatest possible way.
Oh, God. I mean, we didn't...
We didn't know what we were doing, we just...
Terry knew.
Maybe, yeah.
We stood there like that, you know?
We just stood there, frozen.
Mmm.
And, you know, I didn't really care.
Because...
..the feeling of his hands on my face...
You know what I wish? I wish everyone had a first kiss like that.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
You know, I don't...
I don't know why I told you the whole story!
That was a beautiful... That was a beautiful story.
Thank you.
I wish I was kissed by Terry Sanders.
BOTH LAUGH
Where is he? Whatever happened to Terry Sanders?
I need to track him down. Oh, Terry Sanders...
Yeah. No, what actually happened to him
was that he died in a plane crash.
Wh... He died, yeah.
He just, like, went... Like that.
Plane crash? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
No.
BOTH LAUGH
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He didn't die in a plane crash.
You've been waiting all this time
just to hit me with a plane crash joke.
I couldn't help it.
Diane can get a man to fly in from another state,
and I can't get my husband to come in from the garage!
Well, you have to give him a good enough reason.
Well, since when is sex not a good enough reason for a man?
Honey, you're not dealing with a man,
you're dealing with an older man.
Different animal.
I mean, he's not thinking about sex.
He's conditioned to think that inside means
changing a light bulb or fixing the toilet.
Both of which sound infinitely more satisfying to me.
So, basically, I'm screwed.
Or not screwed, as it were.
He needs a reminder.
You know, take him back to a time when sex was on his mind.
Mmm. Miss O'Donnell? Yeah?
This was dropped at the desk for you.
Oh, thank you, Runako. You're welcome.
You know, it's Pavlovian.
Present the right stimulus,
you will not believe how quickly he'll come.
Mmm?
Must you always be so crass?!
Look whose mind is in the gutter!
I know! It's because of this book.
The whipping and the flogging.
I'm learning things no-one our age should even know about!
I mean, sex is... Ugh!
Not that a little kissing or petting would kill me, but...
Is that a poncho?
Erm... All right, sharing.
"Next time, we should wear protection"?
"Love, Arthur."
Uh, you weren't gonna tell us about this.
I told you we went out for coffee.
Unbelievable! That is not how I go out for coffee.
The entire world is coupling up.
You just need to put yourself out there the same way Tom did.
Oh, come on. You see her going online?
Ha-ha! I mean, let's not lose all our sense of reality.
Well, why not?
There are plenty of fish in the sea who would adore her.
Yeah, no, I agree.
But to catch one, she'd actually have to take out a pole
and make her way down to the water.
You really don't think I can do it.
Well, I think you can. I just don't think you will.
Then let's drink to me and my pole going online.
Well, yay! Good for you. Yay!
Good for you.
But you might want to lose the pole.
Yeah. Good call.
SHE SIGHS
Life motto?
I'll give you a life motto.
"No-one with a life has a motto."
SHE CHUCKLES
"Find a mate?"
What am I, Lin-Lin the Panda at the San Diego Zoo?
CAMERA CLICKS
No! No, no, no.
Ahh! Stop it!
Ah! Shit.
CAROL CLEARS THROAT
My old uniform. What do you think?
Well, I feel like I'm in a time machine.
I know. And it still fits!
Ta-da!
FABRIC RIPS
There's some duct tape on the shelf.
Oh, you're sweet, but that just makes it easier to...
Oh, you need... You need duct tape. OK.
And, uh, give me the zip ties there.
Zip ties.
Are you thinking about tying me up?
What?
Nothing. It's just something I was reading about.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
No, I think I'm good, thanks.
I just needed more light before I get inside her crankshaft.
Check her out.
Check out...your motorcycle?
Yeah.
It sure brings back memories.
Yeah. And she's a lot prettier than I remember.
I wouldn't complain if you want to take me for a ride.
TYRE POPS, AIR HISSES
Rain check?
I-I'm sorry. I talked your ear off.
I'll recover. You will? I wonder.
Just let me know when you're back in Arizona.
Oh! Well, actually, I'm... I'm going to be there this weekend.
How inconvenient.
How inconvenient, yeah. Anyway...
It was really lovely. Oh, it was really lovely. So...
Well, goodnight. Have a good night.
OK, thank you. Thank you.
SHE GROANS QUIETLY
Oh, God.
We need to get control of this situation.
I don't want a repeat of what was going on
in the evidentiary hearing.
MESSAGE CHIMES
Let's turn our phones off, please.
MURMURING
Not mine.
MESSAGE CHIMES Am I the only one hearing this?
I believe it's from over there.
MESSAGE CHIMES
Hmm.
MESSAGE CHIMES
Holy shit.
MUSIC: I Believe In Miracles by Hot Chocolate
# I believe in miracles
# Where you from?
# You sexy thing
# You sexy thing, you
# I believe in miracles
# Since you came along
# You sexy thing... #
Here, Ginsburg, you want to go out?
Go on. Go ahead.
# Where did you come from, baby... # OK, fine.
Be lethargic.
CAT MEWLS
# How did you know I needed you?
# How did you know I needed you so badly?
# How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?
# I believe in miracles
# Where you from... # Damn you, E L James.
# You sexy thing You sexy thing, you. #
His name is George and he's probably a serial killer.
No man is perfect.
Yeah, well, he's also certainly not normal.
I mean, normal people don't go trolling for dates online.
You do.
Yeah, I rest my case.
Well, maybe he's your Christian Grey.
He is a bald tax attorney.
OK, maybe not.
But at least you have a date.
I'm never going to have sex again for the rest of my life.
He might not even have arms!
Hey. What?
These are essential.
They hold you in, smooth everything down. Life-changing.
I'm going to get them for you. Oh, no. Come here.
Ugh.
Well, let's just say things did not go exactly as planned.
You've been married too long.
In the army, when they want to get a soldier's attention,
they just blow on the trumpet.
Well, that is precisely what I was attempting.
And the soldier?
Absent without leave.
In fact, the trumpet never even came out of the barracks. Oh.
The commanding officer put a kibosh on the mission, huh?
Yes. Mission aborted.
DOOR CLOSES
Oh, Jesus Christ, enough with the metaphors already.
SHARON GROANS
My organs just shifted.
Well, you're going to be fine. Do scuba breathing.
So, OK, give him one of these...
Oh!
..and the lieutenant will stand at attention.
Do you think that's the problem?
Oh, honey, I've been doing field research
on this demographic a long time.
He's probably just embarrassed.
But this is gonna be a game-changer, trust me.
THUNK! SHARON GROANS
You need some help?
I need the jaws of life.
THEY LAUGH
Erm, I don't think you have that on quite right,
but it's gonna look amazing.
I look like a Lane Bryant mannequin.
THEY LAUGH
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to picture your serial killer
trying to peel you out of that thing.
Yeah, he's going to have to use his teeth. If he has teeth.
Ha! When you guys are finished joking,
can you get me some scissors?
I can't feel my feet.
MUSIC: Din Don Dan by Officine Golob
CHRIS: Is that the one I showed you?
No. Found it on Zillow.
Check it out.
This is a media room. Oh, sick.
You don't need a media room,
you need your son to live in a good school district.
Mum, you shouldn't be adding salt.
It's spaghetti. I always add salt to my spaghetti.
Mum, did you not get the article I sent you on blood pressure?
PHONE RINGS
Oh, shoot. Could... Could you excuse me for just a sec?
Erm...
Don't say "sick". You're 40 years old.
Hi, how are you?
Ha! Come visit you?
That's crazy!
What? Well, I don't know how I can do that, you know?
HORN HONKS
Yeah?
Oh. Well, OK.
I'm just going to have to come up with a reason.
Mum? Uh-oh. OK. I got to go.
OK, yes, and I will. OK, bye.
Is everything OK?
SIGHS: No. No.
That was my neighbour. And, erm...
There was a robber, or a burglar, I don't know.
Anyway... What? ..they think that the house was burgled!
What, burgled? It's shocking!
But you know something?
I think I need to get back there ASAP to help.
No. What do you mean, help?
Well, what I mean is the authorities -
I think they may want to ask some questions.
So I do need to get back there now.
The authorities?
I'm not a suspect. I'm not suspicious.
It's not that kind of thing. But I'm so worried.
This world is just not a safe place for you any more.
I'm sorry, and, you know, I'll try...
I really am going to try to keep that in my mind, OK?
But anyway, I need to book a flight back tomorrow.
Do I just not turn you on any more?
I mean, I get it - after 35 years and three kids, but am I...
You know, is it just not exciting any more?
I love you, Carol.
I know you love me, and I love you.
Then what is the problem?
The problem is we haven't even tried to make love
since your retirement party.
And we both know how that turned out.
You yourself said there was something wrong
with the lamb that night.
We both know there was nothing wrong with the lamb.
I'm the one who made it.
I'm not having this conversation.
Bruce, Vivian said that it is so normal for men...
Wait. Vivian?
And Dr Schaefer said that there are safe and effective ways...
You talked to Dr Schaefer?!
I did not think you'd want to talk to him.
I don't want to talk to him!
See? I knew that! I knew that!
He asked me, "Well, does he still pleasure himself?"
Oh, my God! And I said, "I have no idea!"
Sh... Carol! This is enough!
Bruce! I want to have sex!
DOG WHINES
Hello.
DOG WHIMPERS
HE HUFFS
Excuse me.
BOTH SIGH
OK, come on, baby. Get your leg up there.
HE GRUNTS
God dang it.
ENGINE CLANGS
Come on.
What, you can't get it turned on, huh?
ENGINE HISSES
Hi. Do you have a reservation?
No, actually, I'm meeting someone.
His name is George.
He's a tax accountant.
Right. Follow me.
Enjoy your meal.
Hey, you have arms!
I mean, it would've been fine if you didn't, but it's...
THEY CHUCKLE
..better that you do. Hey.
So nice to... Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll take care of it.
This is why I don't leave the house.
Shall we start again?
I'm afraid to re-enter.
Nah. We can take it right from here.
OK.
So, what about you?
You work? Erm, yes.
Actually, I'm currently working on my drinking.
SHE CHUCKLES BOTH LAUGH
You have a nice laugh.
Thank you.
Actually, I'm a federal judge.
Wow!
Really? Yeah.
And I do have the power to put you in handcuffs.
I don't know why I said that. Really.
I'm sorry. I...
I was guessing what you might be thinking and...
I mean, not you, but men.
Not like all men think the same, but...
I'm sorry I'm not better at this, but this is...
Whoa.
Can I make a confession?
Uh, I changed my shirt today six times
and I only have five shirts.
BOTH CHUCKLE
And the irony is that they're all exactly alike.
Blue, button-down, Brooks Brothers.
Well, who doesn't love Brooks Brothers?
Not this guy.
When did dating get so complicated?
I mean, it used to be - you'd go to a dance
and bada-boom bada-bing, you'd get married and pregnant.
Now you have to come up with Earth-shattering theories on life
before you even get a wink. What is that, a wink, online?
You know, you are so much better at this than you think you are.
Thank you.
You are too, for the record.
All my past relationships taught me one thing.
I can't sleep with men.
Well, now, there's a revelation I was not expecting.
No, but sex is fine.
I just can't sleep.
OK, that makes more sense.
Now I can focus on what you're going to say next.
I can't understand how men can sleep anywhere.
On the floor, in a bed, on a couch.
I'm staring at the ceiling
and they're off in some blissful dreamscape.
Ugh. Well, they say that bad sleep is a sign of a bad relationship.
Yeah, well, I can attest to that.
Thank you. Thank you.
Wow.
I never thought I'd be back here again.
Me, neither.
Here we go.
Mmm.
Is it as good as you remember?
Maybe better.
Hmm.
Let me ask you a question.
What's your favourite thing in the whole world?
Well, that's a very broad question.
Erm...
Arm tickles.
Come on. No, without a doubt.
No, it's true. I'm a girl of simple pleasures.
HE LAUGHS Says the girl with a staff of 150!
Ah, but it would be so much better
if they were all tickling my arms.
HE CHUCKLES
You know what I love to do that I never do any more?
Listen to a full album on vinyl from beginning to end.
Vinyl sure has made a comeback, hasn't it?
Well, some things stand the test of time.
That they do.
MUSIC: Tu N'y Es Pour Rien by Jean Custeau & Johanne Rondeau
MUSIC STOPS
INSTRUCTOR CLAPS
Dance is about connection.
It can't just be routine.
Moving in unison is not the same as dancing.
Right.
SHE SIGHS
I think we're done for the night.
Sorry.
I was 14. She was 17. She could drive a car.
And she was sitting behind the wheel.
She said, "Come here."
CAR CHIRPS
This is me.
Thank you for making tonight so easy.
Oh, it was a great, great pleasure.
Erm, I have to ask you this.
First of all, I think you're great.
And second, I know that the chances
of this going past this evening are slim, but...
..would you mind if I kissed you?
If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that!
All right, all right, all right.
I'll just rewind the tape about 30 seconds...
Shut up and kiss me.
Oh, hell.
HE CLEARS THROAT
I think this belongs to you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Thank you.
Ginsburger!
Ooh! I'm going to need a bigger backseat.
Paging Dr Derek.
ADRIANNE: Is this good?
Uh-huh. This is fine, this is totally fine.
OK.
Ha-ha! I love how your generation still feels the need
to get fancy for air travel.
It's so cute.
OK.
Call me when you get back to LA. Of course.
I love you. I love you, too.
OK. Be safe. Bye-bye.
Love you. Love you!
SOFTLY: Ahh.
MUSIC: Runnin' Down A Dream by Tom Petty
HE GROANS
# It was a beautiful day
# The sun beat down... #
Quite an escape, Houdini.
# I had the radio on... #
Oh, God. I can't believe I'm doing this.
# Trees went by
# Me and Del were singin'
# "Little Runaway," I was flyin'
# Yeah, runnin' down a dream
# That never would come to me
# Workin' on a mystery
# Goin' wherever it leads
# Runnin' down a dream. #
You know, I can't get over it.
Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever seen a prettier sky.
Mmm. Right?
Cheers. Oh, cheers. OK.
Boom.
Can I show you something?
Well, sure. Come with me.
What are we doing? Wait.
Are you nervous? Oh. Should I be?
Mm-hm.
I'm not sure I've ever met anybody who owned their own barn before.
You got to get out of the city more often.
Uh-huh. Oh, no. Wait, no.
No. Forget it.
There is no chance in hell I'm getting into that thing.
No. No!
You're gonna love it. Come on, it's going to be great.
I'm sorry, but what are you talking about? Let's go.
No, I'm not getting in there.
These are the controls. Don't touch anything.
If you touch it, we crash. OK.
Don't say that. I'm kidding.
OK. OK, w... This is my baby, OK?
Uh-huh. See that B there? You see?
It's a Beechcraft Bonanza V-Tail.
OK. And it's been my passion project for the last...
..20 years.
20 years! Wait a minute, how old is this thing?
It's a 1951. Whoa!
I'm a 1951! Let me out of here.
HE CHUCKLES
No, seriously.
God... OK, we're going up.
Wait, no. Oh, no, I'm gonna regret this!
MUSIC: Late In The Evening by Paul Smith
Oh, please. No, no, you have a death wish. Death wish!
Please. We're all gonna die someday, Diane. Oh!
I just feel like it's worth living a little bit while we still can.
SHE SCREAMS
# First thing I remember
# I was lying in my bed
# Couldn't have been no more than one or two
# And I remember there's a radio comin' from the room next door
# And my mother laughed the way some ladies do... #
Overwhelming, huh? Want to hold on to the... OK.
# Well, it's late in the evening
# And the music's seeping through... #
Oh! See that? Yes!
SHE GIGGLES
Oh, no, that's...
MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Oh!
You know what that is?
Yes. That's Cathedral Rock.
That's right. # First thing I remember
# When you came into my life... # Oh, my God.
# I said, "I'm gonna stagger on, no matter what I do"
# Well, I guess I'd been in love before
# And once or twice, I'd been on the floor
# But I never loved no-one the way I loved you
# And it was late in the evening
# And all the music seeping through. #
HE SIGHS
WHINNYING
And all this, though, from being a pilot
is what you're saying, right?
This? CHUCKLES: No.
No? No, no. No. No, what happened was
I got out of the Air Force,
and I went to work for this aeronautical research lab.
And, you know, I came up with this design that...
That reduced engine drag in a jet.
It's silly, but it's a big patent,
and this is what happened right here. Yeah. See that?
PHONE VIBRATES
Well, you're going to have to introduce me to your family.
When can I meet them?
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why? Because they're still very sensitive about their father and...
What about you?
Well, I'm... I mean, I loved him.
But I guess I realised I was in mourning
for the end of something.
It's been a long time.
I mean, I guess, I don't know, the world sees your...
Your relationship in one way,
you just kind of go along, but then the truth is...
..it had been over between us for a long time, so...
What do you think of that?
You don't want to hear my sad story, do you?
Maybe you should tell me yours.
I don't have a sad story.
You don't have a sad story cos you're rich.
It's been 24 hours and there's still no answer!
OK, I'm sure she's fine.
You're so sure that everything is so fine -
she could be passed out in a ditch somewhere!
Adrianne, please calm down.
I'm calling Jill.
You're being hormonal!
PHONE VIBRATES
MUSIC: Marvin Gaye by Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor
# We got this king-size to ourselves
# Don't have to share with no-one else
# Don't keep your secrets to yourself
# It's Kama Sutra show and tell... #
Sharon, is that you?
Tom? Hi.
Wow! Hi!
Hi.
Unexpected. Yeah.
Your hair's...dark.
Oh, it's dyed.
I know. Right, right.
I want to introduce you to someone.
Oh, actually, I have to...
Hey, babe! Come here.
Babe, babe, I want you to meet Sharon.
Sharon, this is my fiancee, Cheryl.
Oh, it is so nice to meet you!
I've heard so much about you.
Sharon?
Excuse me, are you Sharon?
Yeah. I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was in a complicated sinus surgery.
Don't ask. Ha-ha...
Hi, I'm Dr Derek.
You can just call me Derek.
Hi, I'm Tom.
Kill me now.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Dr Derek.
Derek. Sharon's date.
Wow. Hi. I am Cheryl!
Aw!
I didn't know that you were seeing someone. That's great.
You look so amazing without your mask!
Aw, how sweet!
You should bring Dr Derek to the party next week.
What? The double-engagement party.
Didn't Jared tell you?
Cheryl and I got engaged,
so we've having a little celebration with our friends.
But it really is for Jared and Kate. Yeah.
We would so love to have you. Yes.
And you, too, Doctor. Yeah.
Well, that sounds so nice!
Say, do you need a DJ?
I do that on the side.
Ooh! Ooh!
Do you do the vinyl? Or what do you do, CDs?
BUSY CHATTER
Here you go. Oh, thank you.
You sure you're OK in the bar?
Yeah. It's gonna be like the good old days.
Cheers.
# Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on
# You got the healin' that I want
# Just like they say it in the song
# Until the dawn
# Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on, babe. #
Ha! Am I ever!
Inner goddess doing the merengue, my ass!
So is this where you take all the boys?
Only the ones I don't want to be seen with at the bar.
Well, I'll choose to take that as a compliment.
Oh.
Restricted area, huh?
Owner's perks.
Look at this.
A single solitary chair.
It's all a girl needs.
It's like a queen's throne atop her castle.
Look. Look at the view.
Yeah. Huh? Look at all those twinkling lights.
All those lives being lived.
As the poem goes, you took the road less travelled,
and it made all the difference.
You know, that's not really what that poem is about.
Is that right? No.
It's, erm...
It's about how we tell the story of our lives,
so we feel heroic, brave.
But in fact, there's no difference in the paths to begin with.
No difference in the paths? Nope.
Fascinating poem.
Arthur, come here.
Look at this.
You see that building with the red lights?
Is that our diner?
Yeah.
I... I can't believe your hotel overlooks our favourite place.
Huh.
According to the airline, your mother never boarded her flight.
Oh, my God! You said not to worry about it!
OK, you can worry now. What?!
Oh! However, we did trace a signal to her cellphone.
What? What does... OK.
What does that mean? We know where she is.
She's been kidnapped? She's been... I did not say that.
Is there a ransom? You know where she is?
In a case like this, it's best to remain calm.
And let's get a grip, folks. Wait, you know where she is?
If you had to guess, what would you say? Where...
I don't have to guess, I actually know.
Well, then take us there! Can I see the pad?
I can't believe you put Viagra in my beer!
Well, it was an innocent mistake.
Oh, innocent. How is it innocent?
You poisoned me!
Hardly. Do not use that word.
I'm sorry. How does it feel?
Hard!
I thought we weren't going to use that word.
I can, you can't.
God, there are so many rules. Don't, Carol!
TYRES SQUEALING
Jeez.
I'll tell you something, I don't think it ought to go to waste.
Seriously! Stop it. Calm down.
SIRENS BLARING
Really?
I'm being pulled over.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.
I don't think that's a good idea, Officer.
Out of the car now!
OK, OK.
Gosh darn it.
Man.
Look, I'm sorry. Uh, my wife put Viagra in my drink.
It's actually true. It's my bad, I'm so sorry.
But you see... Carol. ..it's just he's been having a little trouble
in that department, and he was embarrassed.
And if there's one thing I know about this man,
it's that he really hates to be embarrassed.
Isn't that true, Pup?
Oh, I hate a lot of things right now
and that's not even in the top three.
Will this affect your ability to drive?
No, ma'am. Mm-mm.
OK.
Enjoy your night. OK.
You, too.
Thank you.
I think I like you.
Well, I think that's probably just the wine talking, right?
Mm-hm? Right? Mmm.
Aw.
You know what? I think I'm in trouble here.
Well, I'm well past trouble.
Yeah?
DULL THUMP
What? I think I heard something.
It's probably just the wine talking, right?
SHE CHUCKLES
And how often does the wine talk in your world?
GATE OPENS
Oh, my God.
Wait, who... Who... Who is that?
Mum?! Mum! Oh! Oh, boy.
SHE SHRIEKS
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
What are you... Oh, my God, Mum!
Honey, let me explain.
What the heck is happening here?
Hi. You must be, uh, Adrianne and Jill.
I'm Mitchell.
Chris. Stop it!
Mitchell, can you just...
ALL SHRIEK
You OK? Oh! Mum!
No, no... No, please. No, I'm fine.
Just let me explain, OK? I'll be right back.
Wait, where are you going?
Yeah. Oh, my...
Ha. She's OK. She's perfectly...
She's in... She was in good hands. Relax.
You relax! It's OK. No, yeah, it's OK.
You relax! We've had a long day. I'm sorry.
I was just trying to give us a little jump-start.
I thought maybe if we had a really nice night
and things sort of naturally progressed,
then maybe we would both feel better.
Great plan! Congratulations on the execution!
Sorry. I really was just trying to help you, Bruce.
Help me?! By never once considering
that I might have an opinion!
No, it's not just tonight. It's everything, Carol!
You've got me taking dance lessons.
Dance lessons for a talent show that I never even signed up for!
You've been going to my No Kid Hungry fundraiser
for the past 15 years.
You always show up for me!
That was for dinner!
Well, forgive me for trying to find ways to keep us connected.
"Hey, Bruce, here's something you're gonna hate to do
"for the next two months, but in the end, it'll be OK
"because there will be an onstage public shaming!
"So happy anniversary!"
What, what? Sorry, sorry.
Didn't hear you at all,
because my husband gave me these wonderful earplugs,
so we wouldn't have to listen to each other any more.
Happy anniversary! Oh!
Hey, and by the way,
I got us the earplugs so you wouldn't miss any of your TV shows,
just because I happen to love to fall asleep
next to my wife in our bed!
So forgive me!
DULL THUD
Ah!
HE GRUNTS ANGRILY
HE GROANS
OK, what are you doing? Come on.
Diane, I know this...
I know this is not the direction we hoped for this evening.
This is... It's such a disaster!
Do you see what I mean?
Come on, you've got to admit - it was kind of funny.
I mean, a cop showed up! No, it wasn't kind of funny.
This whole thing is just one giant mistake!
You don't believe that.
And I get that it's a little embarrassing,
but who gives a shit? No, you know what?
You don't get it, Mitchell. You know why?
Because you don't have kids.
Kids? They're like adults, your kids.
You know, you're out here on your ranch,
with no-one to take care of but yourself.
And, OK, that's fine for you, but that's not the real world.
I have a family and I have responsibilities.
So I'm sorry, but that's my world.
OK, listen, I'm sure that I don't understand everything that
you're going through right now. That's right!
You don't... You don't have a clue. OK, listen, wait a minute.
What? Listen to me. What? Look at me.
What? I know we just met.
But you can't spend your entire life
just going around taking care of other people.
That's also not part of the real world. OK. OK, hey!
Diane. What? What?
I'm saying it's OK to be happy, Diane.
Well, I'm really... I'm sorry, but I have to go.
MUSIC: If Not For You by Bob Dylan
# If not for you
# Babe, I'd be awake all night
# Wait for the morning light
# To shine in through
# But it would not be new
# If not for you
# My sky would fall
# Rain would gather, too
# Without your love... #
MUSIC FADES OUT
Bruce. Bruce, honey.
What?
I know I've been acting a little crazy lately.
And obviously I went overboard tonight.
Really?
My gosh, I hadn't noticed.
Ha-ha.
I am so sorry.
I embarrassed you and...
..I made you feel like you didn't matter.
I just don't know what's been going on with you
for the last few months and it scares me.
I know what I did was wrong, and...
SOFTLY: ..I'm sorry.
HE SIGHS
I got spooked.
Spooked?
Yeah, at the...
..retirement party.
You know, I saw 40 years just...vanish.
And then I didn't know who I was any more.
Well, what was I gonna do, huh?
What can I do?
I got scared.
I am scared.
And I need a little time to figure out who I am again.
I hear you.
And I'm not going to try to fix everything on my own...
..tempting though that may be.
And I'm not going to make you do a bunch of stuff
that you don't want to do, like dancing at the fundraiser.
I know you never wanted to do that.
So forget it, OK?
I'm going to bed.
CAROL: Whoa, ice cream straight from the tub?
Yeah, well, I ran into Tom and his very happy fiancee.
Ah! They're hosting a double-engagement party
at their house.
Oh, did I mention he calls her babe?
Mm-hm. Which is sort of perfect - since she's a child.
Oh, no. Yeah.
What did I miss?
Well, Sharon is never dating again.
And we're all miserable.
So basically nothing has changed.
Yeah, well...
Whoa. Since when do you eat ice cream?
Since now.
So I take it things went south for you, too?
I slept with Arthur.
Uh-huh. Now, there's a shocker.
No, not sex.
I actually fell asleep with him.
Well, wait a minute, you've never been able
to sleep with a man before! I know.
So, I mean...
You didn't have sex?
We slept on a couch and he tickled my arm.
Oh, boy, now this is a disaster. Ohh. When is he leaving?
Not soon enough! God, I got a brain freeze.
Here, give that to a professional.
Oh, my God!
Well, anyway, I have an announcement.
OK.
I am...
I'm officially...moving to Arizona.
What? Oh! Oh, tell me it's for the pilot!
No. No, no. No? For my daughters.
This has gone from bad to worse!
Well, I mean, they renovated the basement for me,
and everything is slip resistant... Ugh!
..and I can walk into the tub.
Oh, my God. Ick.
But what about the pilot?
Crashed and burned. I mean, we're not 18 any more.
Nope.
We're sure not spring flowers.
No. More like potpourri.
So, this is...
Oh, my God, this is my last book club!
Oh, no, you're kidding! Diane! Oh, Diane!
So do we even want to talk about the book?
Mm-mm!
I hate this book, OK? Done. Yeah, me too.
Yeah. I mean, are we really this pathetic?
None of us have anything interesting to say?
Well, I mean, my little affair ended with me in a pool
on top of an inflatable swan
and my daughters showing up with the police!
Well, that certainly qualifies as interesting. Oh!
Yeah! I'm assuming you were not in that pool alone.
Well, I was not.
THEY LAUGH
Good for you.
OK. Do I want to get us another one of these?
Oh, yeah. Yes! OK. Yeah.
The sooner the better.
# She who walks alone in life
# Is she of sound mind?
# I am only as old as I've been told
# Now I'm playing for time
# Darling, take me to... #
Men make life impossible.
Oh, God, tell me about it.
Well, you're one to talk. What?
Ditching God's gift to women so you can live in a basement
and breast-feed your daughter's children?
Oh, well, you know something? That's really rich coming from you.
You've been stuck on Tom for 18 years,
and you don't even like the guy.
He's not at your level.
18 years ago, you couldn't wait to get rid of him.
But, of course, you've conveniently erased that little piece of history.
Wish I could erase a little piece of my history.
DIANE: Uh...
Well... What?
I was fine until Arthur came along.
I had a happy existence.
Had a roster of men that would satisfy my every whim.
Oh, my God, I can't listen to this any more.
You really believe you're satisfied? How could you be?
You're so terrified of getting hurt
that you do everything you can to push away love.
I'm gonna go back to having sex and not caring.
Because that's what works for me, OK?
Stop lying to yourself, Vivian.
Not everything in the world is about sex.
Did you even read the book?
This is a love story.
That is what the world wants. That's what the world needs.
So, OK, you can have sex with anybody.
Well, whoop-de-fricking-do. But you know what?
Eventually, people need a little bit more than that.
Everybody's got baggage and pain and problems, but...
..even Christian Grey fell in love.
Yeah, and he was 50 shades of fucked-up.
Yeah.
So...here you go.
Oh-ho. Book three? I am not sure we'll survive another one.
Oh... OK.
God.
God, I...
I really am gonna miss this.
Right? Mm. VIVIAN: Oh, honey.
No?
Thank you. Have a good drive. Thanks again.
SHE SIGHS
Ginsburg.
What's happening here?
Huh, honey? What's happening?
Look at you. Look at you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, look at you.
PHONE RINGS
RINGING STOPS
DOOR SLAMS
You're not taking my calls.
I don't have my phone with me.
PHONE RINGS
Do you know why I first started on radio?
No, I don't.
Because I loved the idea of, no matter what I said,
or what music I played...
..millions of people could just turn on their radios and hear it.
But then, as I got older...
..I realised that...
..reaching millions and millions of anonymous people...
..doesn't come close...
..to reaching just one person you love.
And I'm...I'm leaving tomorrow.
And it got me thinking.
Wouldn't it be nice if you were coming with me to New York?
But then I thought about it, and I thought about you...
..and your hotel and your rooftop and...
SHE SCOFFS
..your inability to make proper wishes.
I have no interest in trying to change you, Vivian.
I love who you are.
Rich and independent...
..and a total pain in the ass.
That does sound like...
SHE CLEARS THROAT
..like me.
And here we are, staring at two paths.
And I know how I feel.
I know that you're the person that I want to talk to.
You're the person I want to listen to.
You're the person I want to splash in the fountain.
You're my person, Slim.
And I just wanted to know what you thought about that.
It's... It's been really nice seeing you again, Arthur.
I hope you have a safe trip home.
HE SIGHS
LIVELY CHATTERING
CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS
Hi. Hi.
GLASS DINGS
Hi, everybody.
I'd like to take a second to say a few words.
As most of you know, I'm Tom Meyers, Jared's dad.
And, on behalf of my fiancee, Cheryl, and myself,
I want to thank you all for coming.
Kate, we're so excited to welcome you
and invite you into the family.
Jared, we are so very happy for you. Thanks, Dad.
As Shakespeare said,
"Love looks, not with the eyes but with the mind."
How right he was.
LAUGHTER
Love takes thought and care,
and I'm glad that all the plus columns lined up.
LAUGHTER
Kate, you're getting one of the good ones.
ALL: Aww...
I'm sorry, I said I wasn't going to do this.
To Jared and Kate!
APPLAUSE
GUESTS: Cheers!
GLASS DINGS
Oh! Ah...
I didn't mean to do that, sorry.
Um, as...as few...
Well, if any of you know,
I'm Jared's mother, Judge Meyers.
Or Sharon.
I just wanted to say,
I don't think that's what Shakespeare had in mind
when he wrote those lines.
He was saying Cupid is blind.
He wasn't saying that people should go
think themselves into love and a system of pluses or minuses.
Oh! But whatever.
Anyway, when I look at my son...
..I am so proud of him because...
..he has had the courage to put himself out there,
and he's found someone to make him happy.
That's inspiring.
Even for someone as old as me.
LAUGHTER
The truth is...
..love is not blind, and it's not a battlefield,
and it's not the sun or the moon or everything we load onto it.
It's just a word until someone gives it meaning.
And that's what the two of you have found in each other.
In fact, all four of you.
And we all deserve that.
Well done.
APPLAUSE
TOM: Kate and Jared.
PHONE RINGS
SHE GROANS
Hello?
RECEPTIONIST: Miss O'Donnell, I'm calling to confirm
that Mr Riley has officially checked out.
Thank you.
DOORBELL RINGS
DOOR CLICKS OPEN
Hi, sweetie.
DIANE GASPS
Hey.
Oh! What happened? We've been trying to call all afternoon.
What? You're still in a robe?
Carol's show starts in an hour.
I saw Arthur last night. Uh-oh. Oh, fun.
No! I broke up with him once and for all.
DIANE GASPS
I did. What happened?
He told me he wanted to invite me to move to New York with him,
but then he realised he didn't want to change me
because he loves me the way I am.
And he only wants to talk to me,
and he only wants to listen to me.
LAUGHING: He told me... What? ..I was his person.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm not actually following here, you know? I'm just...
No, me, neither.
You said that he loves you as you are?
And he doesn't want to change you?
And he wanted to know your thoughts?
So you broke up with him? Well, yeah, exactly! Duh.
Are you out of your mind?
OK, where is he?
He checked out and he's on his way to New York.
OK, OK. Time to get dressed.
Yup. That's it, Viv, you're going after him.
Get up, get up. No! Oh, my God.
What time is his flight?
Huh? Never mind, I'll figure it out.
She has to put on something sexy.
Everything she owns is sexy!
I can't... Oh, God! It is so yucky,
and this is so needy!
Sharon, I am not desperate.
No, you are not. You are stupid.
No, I am not.
You're just... You don't understand.
Please. I know how this story ends, and I do not like it.
If he has me, he's gonna get bored.
He hasn't seen me naked in 40 years!
I know, I'm sorry. Oh, my God...
I'm no fool!
I know what happens.
He's gonna cheat on me and leave me for a younger woman.
And then I'm gonna lose everything.
And it's just... It's not worth it!
OK, baby, there you go. It isn't worth it.
SHE SHRIEKS
I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry,
but it had to be done, all right?
VIVIAN LAUGHS
THEY LAUGH
It's OK. His flight leaves in an hour.
Oh, God, are you sure? Yes.
OK, earrings. Time to go.
Do I look OK? Yes, you look great.
Wait a second. Oh, the girls.
You want me to put those on? Yep. Go.
OK! Go, go, go, go!
I put a lipstick and compact in there.
Oh, that's so great! Oh, thanks.
Oh, my God, do I look OK? Yes! Yes. Yay!
Here we go. Bye!
Bye. Bye.
DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, go on.
My shoes! Oh. Oh, and Carol, your show!
Oh, God, don't be ridiculous.
And, Diane, you're leaving!
Oh, my God, you're leaving. What am I gonna do?
Shoes! Oh, God, thank you, guys.
I love you so much. Bye. Bye.
To the airport, Mario!
LATIN MUSIC PLAYS
AUDIENCE CHEERS
OK, that's scary.
You're gonna do great! Gonna do great.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And that was Jed and Leyla Sanderson performing!
Hard to believe she's an anaesthesiologist.
Arthur, it's Vivian. Call me back before you board your plane.
Mario, are you using Waze?
Yes, Miss O'Donnell, but I don't think we're gonna make it.
And last but not least,
everyone's favourite chef, and our fearless organiser,
dancing a solo will be Carol Colby!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# And I would do anyth... #
Wait. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, sorry.
That's not the right song!
It's supposed to be Red, Red Robin Goes Bob, Bob...
Oh, shoot. Meat Loaf? Come on!
Aw, screw it.
Oh, my God, she's tap dancing to Meat Loaf!
LAUGHING: And she's pulling it off!
# And some days I pray for silence
# And some days I pray for soul
# Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock and roll
APPLAUSE
# And maybe I'm lonely That's all I'm qualified to be
Woo!
# There's just one and only One and only promise I can keep
# As long as the wheels are turnin'
# As long as the fires are burnin' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# As long as your prayers are comin' true
# You better believe it
# That I would do anything for love CHEERING
Bruce!
# And you know it's true and that's a fact
# And I would do anything for love
# And there'll never be no turning back
Five, six, seven, eight...
# But I'll never do it better than I do it with you
# So long So long
# And I would do anything for love
# Oh, I would do anything for love
# I would do anything for love
# But I won't do that
Oh, my God. # No, I won't do that... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
My, oh, my! How about those Colbys?
HE LAUGHS
A romantic way to end the show.
Oh, God. I can't believe you're here!
I couldn't miss a chance to dance with my girl.
You were incredible.
No, I wasn't. None of our steps go with Meat Loaf.
Who needs the steps? We were dancing.
THEY LAUGH
I'm sorry. Your cellphone is poking me.
No, I didn't bring my cellphone.
Oh. You want to go home now? What do you say?
I say yes. OK.
Arthur.
I thought you left.
I did.
I went to the airport to try to see you.
Why are you here?
I realised I...
..forgot to give you back your penny.
Why did you go to the airport?
I realised I wanted my penny back.
See, I tried to live without it for...
..for the past 40 years...
..and I didn't like it.
HE CHUCKLES
Do you want to make a wish?
Mm.
I do.
Oh, my God, you probably killed someone.
There's a subroof.
Nancy in my office, she's in a book club,
and I thought you might like to meet her.
Well, that's...that's very sweet.
Anyone else want another piece of pizza?
I have one.
Mom. What?
You're not hungry?
I guess not.
Well, I mean, you're probably exhausted.
It's really not OK that you drove here all by yourself.
At your age, Mom, you could have killed somebody.
I really don't think so.
So the fact that you don't even realise that is what is so scary.
Oh, Jesus! Will you just...
SHE GROANS
Please stop, OK?
I mean, really!
Oh, my God.
OK.
You know how proud I am of both of you.
SHE SIGHS
The greatest gift I think a parent can give a child
is to lead by example, and I don't think I did a very good job.
But your father...
Oh, my goodness, he was stable, wasn't he?
And smart and kind, and...
He was just a great dad.
Fine husband. And we had a nice life.
But there's something...
..I really have to say.
There's a man out there who makes me feel things
that I didn't think were...
..still possible.
You know what he does? He makes me feel curious
and excited about the world.
And maybe things with us will go bust,
and maybe my feelings will be hurt, but that's life.
And in spite of what you both seem to think...
..I'm not through living mine just yet.
I have things that I want to explore.
And guess what? I think I've earned that right.
So it's time for all of this to just stop, OK?
You both seem to have very, very strong parenting instincts.
But do save it for your children
because your mother is doing just fine.
And...
..I know I'm getting older,
but I'm still learning.
And one of the biggest lessons I've learned
is not to be afraid to be happy.
I love you both...
..but I'm not staying here any more.
Mom...
Mom! Mom!
Have fun.
Love you. Love you, Mom. Love you.
MUSIC: More Than This by Roxy Music
Drive safe! Bye!
# I could feel at the time There was no way of knowing
# Fallen leaves in the night Who can say where they're blowing?
# As free as the wind Hopefully learning
# Why the sea on the tide Has no way of turning
# More than this
# You know there's nothing
# More than this
# Tell me one thing... #
Can I come in?
No way.
No way? No way.
What's in the U-Haul? Just my overnight bag.
# It was clear for a while There was no way of knowing
# Like a dream in the night Who can say... #
My inner goddess says, "Most definitely yes."
# No care in the world Maybe I'm learning
# Why the sea on the tide Has no way of turning
# More than this
# You know there's nothing
# More than this... #
Oh. Yeah, yeah, I see the arms.
# More than this
# No, there's nothing
# More than this. #
# So this is how my life turns out Lost in chapter three
# Empty vases, spanx and no thanks Book clubs and TV
# And no-one noticed
# Mmm, least of all me
# No more high-heeled shoes or low-cut jeans
# Lipstick or perfume
# No midnight calls or secret glances
# Holed up in my room
# And no-one noticed
# Least of all me
# There's no down and out As long as you keep trying
# You'll be right back in the game
# But you've changed
# Now I'm living in the moment
# And I'm going to be writing some brand-new lines
# Cos I know this is my time
# And I've been redefined
# Watch me as I shine
# It's not over till it's over
# Living in the moment, let the pages turn
# Living in the moment Oh-oh
# I'm writing my own story
# Living in the moment, let the pages turn
# Line by line by line Living in the moment
# My story goes on and on and on and on. #