1 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,600 So sorry I'm late. 2 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,760 Hello, ladies. Ooh, I thought I was cutting it a bit fine today. 3 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,280 I said, "It's not shared. No! That's my drive!" 4 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,320 GENERAL CHATTER 5 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,840 PIANO PLAYS 6 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,560 CHOIR SINGS 7 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:42,320 So, ladies, straight to the high point of our meeting - 8 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,400 our guest speaker. 9 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:48,360 I'm very pleased to welcome Alan Rathbone from York, 10 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,040 who's going to be giving us a talk on the history of 11 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,640 the Milk Marketing Board. 12 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,200 Thank you, Alan. 13 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,880 Good evening, ladies of the Women's Institute. 14 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:07,920 Ladies, I'd like to welcome Iris Benton from Ilkley. 15 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:12,280 She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs. 16 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,760 I beg your pardon, Iris. 17 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,600 I stand corrected. It's not just rugs. 18 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,880 It's all forms of carpeting. 19 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,320 Thank God. 20 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,160 For a minute there I thought it was going to be dull. Thank you, Iris. 21 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:36,440 Our round-the-world cruise started in September in Skipton, 22 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,000 when we booked the tickets. 23 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,120 That's them. 24 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:45,120 They were a special offer and it was essential, my wife told me, 25 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,720 to book them before the 25th of the month. 26 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,200 SNORING 27 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,200 Thank you. 28 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,960 I don't know about you, ladies, 29 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:10,560 but can I just say, Pauline, I had no idea that broccoli could be so intriguing. 30 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:11,640 Thank you. 31 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,160 Now then, ladies, 32 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,320 can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle? 33 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,920 No! Yes. 34 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,960 No! All right, I'll ask him. 35 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960 Volunteer your OWN husband! 36 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,960 Yeah, right. What's Rod going to talk to the WI about? Yeah, exactly. 37 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,280 That's exactly what John'd say. 38 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,480 What the hell am I gonna speak about? 39 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,960 John, I don't care. Whatever it is is gonna be better than the bloody 40 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,400 history of the cauliflower or whatever it is we've got next week. 41 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,360 One seedling... Annie, tell him! 42 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,720 John, the whole point of the WI is, er... 43 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,080 Are you listening to me? 44 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,080 Annie, what is the point of the WI? 45 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:55,640 Enlightenment, fun and friendship. 46 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,080 Well, there, you see? It's right. 47 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,000 It's them...them things. 48 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,280 In my case, it's a thing you did cos your mother asked you, then she went and died... 49 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,560 You love it! One seed in each pot! 50 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,200 You're bloody useless, you are! 51 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,920 Oh, look. Is that all right like that? 52 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,920 I've done the Harman wedding, but the carnation table fronts 53 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,440 need to be done for that conference in Guiseley. 54 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,920 Good Lord - nagging lilies! 55 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,120 And I couldn't find the order form. 56 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,600 I thought, after your fantastic reorganisation, 57 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,280 all the order forms had to go on the bent nail. 58 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,400 Are you going upstairs to do your homework? 59 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,800 I'm not bothered. 60 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,000 ON TELEVISION: What happened yesterday, can't happen again. 61 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,520 Yeah. No worries. 62 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,680 Jem? 63 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,200 Mum. 64 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,000 SHE CHUCKLES 65 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,880 Oh, you... Shoo! You beggar! 66 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,200 Go on! 67 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,440 He's a little devil is that crow. 68 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,840 He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something... 69 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,960 Something we need to have a little... 70 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,120 ..a little chat about. 71 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,120 Annie... Don't leave me. 72 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,040 You great... Hey, come here. 73 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:42,760 Hey! 74 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,400 Hey, hey! 75 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,840 I'm not leaving you. 76 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,840 You soft girl. 77 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,600 At least, I bloody hope not. 78 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,320 So, um... 79 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,240 You know, what kind is it he's got? 80 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,040 He says he's gonna call it Saddam Hussein. 81 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,520 You should have told us. 82 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,320 I'm your oldest friend. You should have told me the moment you found out. 83 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,840 I did. 84 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,320 No big hoo-ha, though, OK? 85 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,360 It'll just make it easier for him to get back to normal when he gets out, 86 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,600 you know, and, um... 87 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,360 And the tests are clear and... Yeah. ..and everything. 88 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:56,920 TANNOY: All entries for the home and craft competition to the WI tent immediately, please. 89 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,240 What are they? Hell's Angels? 90 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,680 Sort of. They're Morris dancers. 91 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,640 We'll see you back at the tents. 92 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,280 All right. See you later. Yeah. 93 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,160 Garden in a plant pot. Yeah. Done that. Straightest courgette. Done. 94 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:19,480 Most creative thing done with an egg. 95 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:19,480 Done that! Then we've done 96 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:19,480 everything. Come on! 97 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,160 Look at 'em! 98 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,160 High Gill WI. 99 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,840 "Let's arrange our cakes round an old cartwheel." 100 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,000 Does look pretty, though. 101 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,720 Whose side are you on, Brutus? 102 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,360 No, I didn't mean... What's your event, by the way? 103 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,520 Tea tray - on an international theme. 104 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,840 I did Jamaica, but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean. 105 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,840 You know, if more people did WI, 106 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,560 there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs. 107 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,200 Good. Ruth. 108 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,720 International tea tray. Victoria sponge... 109 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,720 Annie's on Victoria sponge. 110 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,080 Summat for under a pound... Kathy. 111 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,040 Kathy. That's it. Where's that? 112 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,440 What's that? 113 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,400 Annie won't have had time, running Yul Brynner in and out 114 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,600 of Skipton General, so... Ta-da! 115 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,120 I'm sorry. It just took a bit long... 116 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,760 Oh, my God, the cake! Told you. It's all right. Chris has saved the day. 117 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,680 YOU baked that? I'm not a total dead loss as a woman. 118 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:20,960 I can't knit or make plum jam, but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge. 119 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,200 All right! Thank you. Course, I didn't actually bake this one. 120 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,040 I got it from Marks & Spencer's. What?! The point is... 121 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,520 You can't enter a cake you've bought in a shop! Get off! 122 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,240 It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it? 123 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,160 This is about putting up a united front against High Gill. 124 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,640 This isn't bakery. 125 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,520 It's Zulu. 126 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,040 Are you ready? 127 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,080 CHEERING AND CLAPPING 128 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,320 TANNOY: Will the parents of the young lad in the Spiderman T-shirt 129 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,440 please meet him under the gorilla? 130 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,920 CHEERING 131 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,960 TANNOY: Excitement in the main tent, where the WI judging's begun. 132 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,480 Aye aye. 133 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,120 Jury's back. 134 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:17,120 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy 135 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,080 for Victoria sponge, maximum 12-inch diameter, 136 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,680 I'm pleased to say is entry number 213. 137 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,920 Nice knowing you, Chris. Help me! 138 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,600 Oh, that's interesting. 139 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,280 Entered by Knapely WI... 140 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,360 ..and baked by Chris Harper. 141 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,000 CLAPPING 142 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,040 Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake. Thanks. Thanks very much. 143 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,880 And I'm proud to say this cake 144 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,880 also wins the judges' 2002 145 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,600 discretionary award. 146 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,600 APPLAUSE 147 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,800 It was really beautiful. Thank you. 148 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,520 Listen, I never normally ask this. 149 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,440 The lightness of that sponge - 150 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:21,080 is there a trick, a technique, how you got that? 151 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,560 Uh, well... 152 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:36,920 Well, I basically stuck to me mother's advice about cake baking. 153 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,160 Yes. 154 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,920 Er...which is, 155 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,240 line the bowl with butter. 156 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,400 Always use a warm spoon. 157 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,720 And if it's a special event, 158 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,560 get it at Marks & Spencer's! 159 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,800 She's...so-oh-oh...! Ah-ha-ha-ha! CROWD BEGINS TO LAUGH 160 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,480 Throw the cake at 'em! 161 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,160 Are you throwing my cake?! 162 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,240 That is disrespectful. This is very good. 163 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,360 Of course it's good! 164 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,080 They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly, you know. 165 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,880 In fact, I'm going to be asked to do a masterclass at the WI. 166 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:29,240 That'll be interesting. Wasn't I supposed to do one? 167 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,840 Something? Yeah. 168 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,480 For the WI. 169 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,560 Or don't you want that any more? 170 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,720 I'll tell you what, 171 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,320 if you want me to do it, you'd better get it in quick. 172 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,480 CHOIR SINGS 173 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,080 Go, go, go. Kiss. 174 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,720 They're on "arrows of desire." 175 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,720 You're not going off without a kiss. I go every Thursday. 176 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,480 It's not an overseas posting. 177 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,120 Kiss. 178 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:23,360 # Till we have built Jerusalem 179 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:28,760 # In England's green and pleasant 180 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,360 # Land. # 181 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:36,760 SHE MOUTHS INAUDIBLY 182 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:45,080 Firstly, how else could we start than by congratulating Chris 183 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:51,120 on not only winning the May Wilkinson, but also the judges' discretionary ribbon. 184 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,440 CONGRATULATORY MOTIF ON PIANO AND CLAPPING 185 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,360 I'm so pleased. 186 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:05,680 Now, the next item on the agenda is the calendar. 187 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,400 Last year we had views of local bridges, so this year 188 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,480 I thought we could go for the 12 most beautiful views of... 189 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,240 ..George Clooney. ..the churches of Wharfedale. 190 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:20,600 11 fully clothed and a little "lift the flap" for December. 191 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,280 Chris? 192 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,520 No, nothing. She said George Clooney. 193 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,160 No. No, Marie. I'm fine, you know, with whatever. 194 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,440 Churches of Wharfedale it is, then. 195 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,960 LAUGHTER 196 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,840 It SHOULD be bloody George Clooney! 197 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,600 Come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney, 198 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,200 I know which I'd rather wake up looking at. 199 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,720 It is a Norman church, you know. 200 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,640 I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John. 201 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,960 It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about. 202 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,160 Careful. You'll pull your drip out. Anyway, let's face it... 203 00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:00,400 Oh, I hate to be a revolutionary, it might actually sell a few copies. 204 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,720 Yeah, the WI posing-pouch calendar. 205 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,600 Flesh sells, I tell ya. Yeah? 206 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,800 Right, decided. 207 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,120 So where do we get a photographer? 208 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,560 Art college. It's full of charlatans 209 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,120 who prostitute their talent for money. 210 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:20,040 Is it? Yeah. Lawrence was telling me. 211 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:23,760 Hey, you wanna see this kid's photographs. 212 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,440 Don't go on about them. 213 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:30,040 He's taking some of me sunflowers, to see how they're getting on. 214 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,880 It's not your photographer, it's your models. 215 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,480 Professional models cost a bomb. 216 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,520 Hey. 217 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,680 I'll model for you for nowt. 218 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,040 No, thanks, John. 219 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:45,040 I've just seen your backside and, believe me, it's not like George's. 220 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,960 There we go. 221 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,400 Ow! 222 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,760 Ooh! This bloody settee. 223 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:09,160 They're gonna need another relatives' room, 224 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,120 for the relatives of the relatives who got injured on the settee 225 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,600 in the bloody relatives' room. 226 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,680 So, did you talk to the specialist? 227 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,480 John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old, um... 228 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,720 Pneumonia and septicaemia. 229 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,080 That's good. I've heard of those. 230 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,160 They can deal with those, can't they? 231 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,840 It means his immune system's weakened. 232 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,880 The chemo isn't working. 233 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,280 Which means we're finally out of straws. 234 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,320 BREATHILY: Don't you go buying any benches. 235 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,160 Do what the hell I like, John Clarke. 236 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,160 If you put a bench out here... 237 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,560 ..it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it 238 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,720 before you get back to the car. 239 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,040 Come on. 240 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,240 I've written me speech...WI. 241 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,320 Oh, right. 242 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,800 I did it about...me job. 243 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,000 And all this. 244 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,240 You read it to me. 245 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:43,040 Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire. 246 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,560 Every stage of their growth... 247 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,080 ..is more beautiful than the last. 248 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,600 But the last phase... 249 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,160 ..is always the most glorious. 250 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,480 Then very quickly they all go to seed. 251 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,160 Cheeky beggar! 252 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,280 A while ago, 253 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:04,200 I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here at Knapely WI. 254 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:09,760 Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight, 255 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,640 and this is what he wrote. 256 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:18,000 "The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire. 257 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,080 "Every stage of their growth has its own beauty, 258 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,080 "but the last phase is always the most glorious. 259 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,120 "Then very quickly they all go to seed." 260 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,160 LAUGHTER 261 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,960 "Which makes it ironic my favourite flower isn't even indigenous 262 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,120 "to the British Isles, let alone Yorkshire. 263 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:44,920 "I don't think there's anything on this planet that more trumpets life than the sunflower. 264 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,240 "For me, that's because of the reason behind its name. 265 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,560 "Not because it looks like the sun 266 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,520 "but because it follows the sun. 267 00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:02,200 "During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky. 268 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,320 "A satellite dish for sunshine. 269 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,480 "Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it. 270 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,360 "And that's such an admirable thing. 271 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,000 "And such a lesson in life." 272 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,320 You ran into a gate? How'd you do that? 273 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,880 HE MUMBLES AN ANSWER 274 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,400 You what?! 275 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,400 He does a paper round. It pays for his elocution lessons. 276 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,080 Yeah, well, he's bent these, good-style. 277 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,200 It'll be, er... 278 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,560 ..Be 25 quid, that, love. 279 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:48,840 I have to have it. 280 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,880 Mum? 281 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,480 Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this? 282 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,320 Nah. 283 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,880 Moving gently into the locust... 284 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,800 And then... 285 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,480 we have... 286 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,000 ..the lion. 287 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:23,080 I have to admit I'm concerned about our great leader's grasp of t'ai chi. 288 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:27,600 And into the llama. Llama? 289 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,360 Llama? Are there llamas in China? 290 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,120 OK? What? 291 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:35,360 Are you all looking in the right direction? 292 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,360 See you later, girls! Bye, love! ALL: Bye! 293 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:39,560 Bye. 294 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,080 How's Annie? 295 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,840 How can we help, do you think? 296 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,640 Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon? 297 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,680 GIRLS LAUGH 298 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,320 It is, I'm telling ya. 299 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,400 Girls laughing's a good sign. 300 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,440 It's a top sign, I tell ya. 301 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,920 Bloody hell, if you're in with Debbie Nolan... 302 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:20,640 Not bein' unsound here, but she has got the most fantastic tits. 303 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,640 She has got fi-hine mangoes. 304 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,600 Actually, not mangoes. 305 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,800 I don't imagine they'd be hard, like mangoes. 306 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,760 Maybe...plums. 307 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,600 Ripe plums. 308 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,280 You know, big, ripe plums. 309 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,440 No, what am I saying? 310 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,080 No, not plums. Balloons! 311 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,440 That's it. 312 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,760 That's exactly what they're like. 313 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,760 A pair of balloons you find behind your settee three days after a party. 314 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,960 Gaz, will you stop talking about tits? 315 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,640 Why would I ever want to do that? 316 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,480 Well, I think it's a great idea. 317 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,280 You weren't concentrating, were you, Ruth? 318 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,760 I was. We're going to raise money for the hospital, 319 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,040 to buy a sofa in John's name. 320 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,880 By posing for a nude calendar. 321 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,480 Oh, no! Sit down. I'm not asking you to straddle an 'arley-Davidson. 322 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,400 It's still a bit of a leap from Burnsall Church, love. 323 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,080 Yes, but that's the whole point. 324 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:33,360 You see, like, it's an alternative calendar. It's, um... 325 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,240 It's what John suggested. 326 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:40,440 Did he? "The last stage of the flower is the most glorious." 327 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,000 So what this calendar would be saying is, 328 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,000 "Yes, John, actually. We agree." 329 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,680 With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase "whip your bras off." 330 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:55,960 It's £999 in the leather, that sofa. 331 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,880 Can I remind you how much last year's calendar raised? 332 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,440 £75.60. ..60. 333 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,080 Are you havin' it? 334 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,600 We're havin' it, all right! Come on. 335 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,040 Yeah, we'll get back to you, thank you. 336 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,520 She's... 337 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,480 ..I don't know. She's being weird. 338 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,280 Normal weird, or weird weird? 339 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,880 She found this. 340 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,120 You're kidding? Big Bazookas! 341 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,880 I saw her looking at it. 342 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,840 God, I bet she went off her head. 343 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,240 My mum did when she found me Rubber Housewives. 344 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,520 It's a difficult age. 345 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,520 Round about now, 346 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,280 women go through a difficult age, 347 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,160 when they get all irrational and odd 348 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,880 and difficult to predict. 349 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,440 How do you know? Me dad told me. 350 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,000 Right. No. Ruth... I've got to go, anyway. 351 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,800 Eddie's getting back from Ilkley. 352 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,360 Nobody's going to see anything, I promise you. You take the picture. 353 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,320 I'm not quite sure how to... 354 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,120 No, not yet. Wait! You've just taken one of the table. 355 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,920 Won't sell a lot of calendars, will it?! Is that... But it's... Right. 356 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,600 Can anyone see my nipples? 357 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:18,680 You bloody would if it were YOUR mum. Look, what's she done? 358 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,800 Flicked through one jazz mag and looked at a mucky calendar. 359 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,640 That doesn't make her a lesbian. 360 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,160 Hi, Jem. 361 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,480 Your mother's just... 362 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,920 Er, just er... Just go on upstairs with your friend, OK? 363 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,960 How was Ilkley? 364 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,480 Hey, what are you doing up? 365 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,720 How'd it go? Oh, you know. 366 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,360 They're not a scintillating lot, carpet dealers. 367 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,960 They only get excited about bonded underlay. 368 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,800 Coming to bed? Aye, in a bit. 369 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,200 Just having a wind-down. 370 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,400 TELEVISION: I don't want any more announcements of redundancies... 371 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,080 LAUGHTER 372 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,600 I've come for my photos. Er... 373 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,240 Can't find my little receipt thingy. The name's Har... Here they are. 374 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,680 It's £4.99, please. Thank you. 375 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,720 Keep the penny. Thank you. 376 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,280 SUPPRESSED GIGGLES 377 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:16,440 I'm surprised they printed it. It's probably on the internet by now. 378 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,160 By the sound of it, most people have seen it already. 379 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,760 LAUGHTER 380 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,760 For God's sake. 381 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:27,440 Lots of people have their photos taken with their tops off on holiday in Ibiza, don't they? 382 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,920 It just probably came as a slight shock, Chris. 383 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,280 What with the previous 15 photos being of flower arrangements. 384 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,600 Oh, I've screwed up a-bloody-gain, haven't I? Yet a-bloody-gain. 385 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:43,000 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, what we have to ask ourselves here is this. 386 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,040 What is the difference between this and the Venus De Milo? 387 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,360 Oh, I love quizzes. 388 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,760 The cooker? Celia! 389 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,440 Both feature women with their breasts exposed. 390 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,800 What makes one a work of art? 391 00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:00,240 I think the answer to that's very simple. An artist. 392 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,640 An artist. 393 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,160 Oh, she's lovely. 394 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,520 A lovely light you've used on the face there. Got her eyes, didn't he? 395 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,760 And-and all those curls. Mm. 396 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,440 BOTH: Oh. 397 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,800 So, have you photographed many humans, or is it mainly... 398 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,920 It is mainly poodles. 399 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,600 The blood represents globalisation 400 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,400 and the sheep's skull is the death of democracy. 401 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:45,200 And the carrot? The carrot is capitalism. Oh. 402 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,120 Mainly orchids. 403 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:55,320 I'm particularly interested in woodland orchids. 404 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,920 And butterflies. I love photographing native butterflies. 405 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,640 What exactly is your project? 406 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,160 Hello, ladies. 407 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,240 This is crazy. 408 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,040 He won't remember. 409 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,680 He must see thousands of people come through here every day. 410 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,280 Mrs Clarke? 411 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,040 John's wife? Yeah. 412 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:31,720 Hiya. 413 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,480 Hiya. 414 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:39,000 Um... 415 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,760 Are you serious? 416 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,840 You've got 12 women in Skipton 417 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,520 who are all, er, committed to doin' a nude photo shoot? 418 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,040 Well, technically we haven't got 12. Yes. 419 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,800 So long as we can find the right photographer. 420 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,320 WHISPERING: We've found the right photographer. 421 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:10,400 Are you going to commit to it? 422 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,880 You are! 423 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,160 Sorry. 424 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,120 Don't think of it as naked, Cora. 425 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:22,920 It's not naked. It's nude. 426 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:28,560 Annie, I am 55 years old. 427 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,880 So if I'm not gonna get 'em out now, when am I? 428 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,280 SHE PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH 429 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:41,400 It's the whole showing your breasts issue that concerns me. 430 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,160 I think the whole point is that we don't properly. 431 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,160 I know. That's what concerns me. 432 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,440 Yours are good, are they? 433 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,440 They're tremendous. 434 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:57,440 Jessie, we're getting to the point now where we really need to commit. 435 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,040 Now, I know... No front bottoms. 436 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,560 What? 437 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,920 I'm in, just as long as it's no front bottoms. 438 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:08,120 That's a sight I've reserved for just one man in my life. 439 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:10,040 Do you think your husband'll mind? 440 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,320 It wasn't my husband. 441 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:13,560 Course you've got a body worth lookin' at! 442 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,000 Just look at that parking! Ruth. 443 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,600 Doesn't it annoy you when people take two spaces? 444 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:22,320 Look, look. None of us have got a body worth looking at. 445 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,760 No, well, that's not... 446 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,800 We're not all Chrises in this life. 447 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,960 Some of us are Ruths. 448 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,120 I'm sorry. 449 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,360 Ruth. Ruth? 450 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,560 Right, I did a bit of thinking about this calendar. 451 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,680 OK, I think there's a trick we could play here. Um... 452 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:08,200 At first glance, it should look like your classic WI calendar. 453 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:12,400 Er. You know, all your jams, cakes, sewing and all that. 454 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,960 You know, everything you'd expect. 455 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,360 Except for one tiny thing. 456 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,400 The person doing it is...er... 457 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,240 ..naked. 458 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:32,800 It's... 459 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,480 It's perfect, Lawrence. Really, it's perfect. 460 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:39,480 A different girl for every month 461 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:40,880 in a different guise. 462 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:44,440 Painting, um...press. 463 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:48,200 Until December, when I thought we could do a group photo of you 464 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,240 all together, you know, singin' a Christmas carol. 465 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:52,920 That's a great idea! 466 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:55,520 With little hats on, like Father Christmas. Yes! 467 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:58,160 There's just one small problem. 468 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,240 The photographer's a man. 469 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,680 Yeah. The point is, we won't actually be showing anything. In the photos. 470 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:08,120 I imagine a considerable amount will be on display in the room. 471 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:09,920 WHISPERING: That's a point. 472 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,280 WHISPERING: He'll have to be in the room to take the photos. 473 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,040 With us naked! Yeah, well, nude. 474 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,800 An art photographer doesn't see a naked woman. He sees a life model. 475 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:24,320 Yes, the nudity isn't important. 476 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:27,040 That's easy to say when you've got your knickers on! 477 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,600 He'll be looking at us as an artist. 478 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:31,920 I've heard that one before. Have you? 479 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,360 He's not that kind of bloke. I've heard that one before an' all! 480 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,360 Where is he? 481 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:40,840 Oh. Where's he gone! 482 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,440 Lawrence? 483 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:55,960 I mean, have you any idea how intimidating it is to come 484 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:57,920 in here in front of you lot? 485 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,320 How much it's taken that young man to do that? 486 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,880 THEY MUMBLE: Sorry. 487 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:08,160 Course we're not gonna go round parading ourselves 488 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:09,960 in a room full of men. 489 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:14,600 This isn't... France, for God's sake. 490 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:17,440 Lawrence will set up the photo, 491 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,480 leave the room, 492 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,720 dressing gowns come off, 493 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,840 and one of us will click the shutter. 494 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,360 Right. 495 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:30,920 Lawrence? 496 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,920 I think these girls have got something to say to you. 497 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,720 Sorry. 498 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:41,560 Sorry, Lawrence. 499 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,040 # I will not cease 500 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,320 # From mental fight 501 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,600 # Nor shall my sword 502 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,520 # Sleep in my hand 503 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,080 # Till we have built 504 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,120 # Jerusalem 505 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,800 # In England's green and 506 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,600 # Pleasant land! # 507 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,600 INAUDIBLE 508 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,040 Right. 509 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:12,640 Has anyone any activities planned we might want to seek approval for 510 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,480 at National Conference? 511 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,320 It's always wise. 512 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:19,240 We wouldn't want to do anything without approval 513 00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:20,800 from National Committee, 514 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:26,000 not with Knapely being such a proud WI, with an unblemished reputation. 515 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:31,520 Where it would take only one small act by a few rogue individuals 516 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,840 to ruin a reputation that we've spent all these years... 517 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,800 All right, all right. All right. 518 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:43,400 Look, we're plannin' a calendar for John, everyone. Yeah. 519 00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:46,640 It's, um, to raise money for, er, 520 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,120 well to buy something for the relatives' room 521 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:53,000 in, er...in Knapely General. 522 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,240 MUTTERS OF APPROVAL And? 523 00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,880 And...with us on it. 524 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,400 One for each month. What did she say? Ooh. 525 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:02,880 And? 526 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:05,680 Well... 527 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,040 That-that's about it, really... 528 00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:11,160 Naked! 529 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:14,680 Naked? Not naked. Nude. 530 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,960 What's the difference? Art. 531 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:21,960 And seein' Marie's raised the issue, we're a good few months short. 532 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:23,400 LAUGHTER 533 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,680 Is that not because all this has the air of another one 534 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,080 of Chris's great ideas? 535 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,560 Like the vodka-tasting night. 536 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:34,440 No, no. Because I'm going to make sure this one turns out OK, Marie. 537 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,640 Because it's for John. 538 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:41,720 It was inspired by John, and it's for John, and it's because of John. 539 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:44,840 And no matter what you might think of the idea, Marie, 540 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:46,360 you're lookin' at January. 541 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,040 February. 542 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:53,480 March. 543 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,200 TWO WOMEN AT ONCE: April! 544 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,440 EXCITED CHATTER 545 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:11,960 Chris, do we have to make any special preparations? 546 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:16,440 No. These pictures are going to be us, girls, as we come. Oh, God! 547 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,440 Grey hair, cellulite, the lot. Oh, no! 548 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,760 Remember, "The last phase..." ALL: "Is the most glorious!" 549 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,240 Do you have any pictures of Rene Russo? 550 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,120 Thanks. 551 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,240 A week? 552 00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:08,640 I know. It's a client. He does, um... 553 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:12,640 You know this new chain of hotels? Northern summat? 554 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,280 Shall I come? 555 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:16,680 HE SIGHS 556 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:17,800 What? 557 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:21,400 Save your sanity, love. You know, it's carpets! 558 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,040 If I raced dragsters, there might be summat worth watching. 559 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,920 Oh! Darling, come on! 560 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,280 Your ball's over there. I'm coming, Frank. 561 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:41,040 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 562 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,480 T minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks. 563 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,720 As we speak, darling. As we speak. 564 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,160 Darling?! Come on! 565 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,840 Good girl. 566 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:27,080 So, we're going to go. We're going to go. 567 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,840 That's the decision. That's the decision. 568 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:33,520 We're going to go and tell them we're not going to do it. OK. 569 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:45,520 In, in! Quick! 570 00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,440 THEY GIGGLE 571 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:00,840 You have to realise, I've never appeared nude 572 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,160 in front of anyone in my life. 573 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:05,880 Not even Frank? Frank's a major. 574 00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,160 We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis. 575 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:12,120 None of us have been here before, love. 576 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:15,280 I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't see me naked 577 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:17,320 until the spring of 1975. 578 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:19,920 What happened in the spring of '75? 579 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,720 There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergele! 580 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,840 Quite a few people saw me naked that morning. 581 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,320 FAINT LAUGHTER FROM KITCHEN AND CLOCK CHIMING 582 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:18,760 Oh, that's not fair! ALL: Oh! 583 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:21,680 Right. 584 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:26,240 WHISPERING: Shit or bust. Shit or bust. 585 00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:27,920 Right, Lawrence. 586 00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,480 Ready when you are. Here's the first. You're on. 587 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,400 They'll never go through with it. 588 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,040 I'll put it here. It's a tool of the trade. 589 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:49,240 Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit. Raise the lamp for me. 590 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:50,960 No, don't touch that. 591 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,040 OK? 592 00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,080 Right. 593 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,680 Annie? Chris? 594 00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,600 Can you just clear frame for me? Yeah. 595 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:04,880 OK, Celia? Mm-hm? Just lean in toward t'camera a little bit. 596 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:08,840 Right. Enough? Perfect. 597 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,600 OK. 598 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,120 Ready. 599 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:22,520 Erm. 600 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:26,480 OK. 601 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:34,560 Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns. 602 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,480 THE WOMEN LAUGH 603 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,120 Weren't the buns flat? 604 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,000 No! Don't mess with the buns! 605 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,280 I like them like this. They cover more. 606 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:57,880 No, don't touch the composition! 607 00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:00,840 But, Lawrence, were the top buns flat? 608 00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:05,320 No. They're flat! Yeah, but flat for us or flat for her? 609 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:13,040 Don't...touch...the...buns. 610 00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:16,840 Please. 611 00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,360 Sorry. 612 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,000 Bad girl. 613 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,560 Bun toucher. 614 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,200 She's got to look relaxed. 615 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,240 I am bloody relaxed. 616 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,240 And she's gotta smile. I am smiling! 617 00:42:34,240 --> 00:42:35,960 Not too much. 618 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:39,360 I want it enigmatic. 619 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:43,840 She looks like she's seen somebody she knows in the distance. 620 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,120 Left side up a little. 621 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,560 Your right side down a little. 622 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:52,960 And the middle section sort of... 623 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,560 For God's sake, get bloody Botticelli in here. 624 00:42:57,360 --> 00:42:59,120 Lawrence. Hiya. 625 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:00,640 Get in here. 626 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,200 Chin down to your left. 627 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,800 You look beautiful, Celia. 628 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:18,560 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS 629 00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:22,080 OK. 630 00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,440 We're away. 631 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,280 BLUES MUSIC 632 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:36,000 I used to be in a band in the '70s. One day, for a laugh... 633 00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:40,880 Thank you. 634 00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:54,280 # Yeah she's 36 in the bust 635 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,520 # 28 in the waist 636 00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:01,400 # 44 in the hips She got a real crazy legs 637 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,640 # It upsets me baby 638 00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:07,040 # Yes, you upsets me, baby... # 639 00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:12,440 Come on, Sugden. It's your own time you're wasting. 640 00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,840 I was his junior school teacher. 641 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:18,200 Oh, Jessie! 642 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:19,920 What did I say about relaxing him?! 643 00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:23,920 What did she say about relaxing him? 644 00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:29,160 # You upsets me, baby Yes! 645 00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:31,200 # You upsets me, baby 646 00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:35,280 # Like being hit By a falling tree, woman 647 00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:37,880 # Woman what you do to me 648 00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:42,600 # Well I try to describe her 649 00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,760 # It's hard to stop 650 00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:46,000 # I better stop now 651 00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,160 # Because I got a weak heart 652 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,360 # You upsets me... # 653 00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:52,280 Cup of tea, girls? 654 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,360 # Well, you upsets me, baby 655 00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:58,040 # Well, like being hit By a falling tree 656 00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:01,080 # Woman, what you do to me... # 657 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,080 SHE PLAYS TWO DISCORDANT NOTES 658 00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,080 There's no E-flat in "Jerusalem". 659 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,720 I'd be disappointed if they look at me fingers! 660 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:45,040 Oh! All right? 661 00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:50,200 Are you doing this one? 662 00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,080 What's your name? 663 00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,360 Ruth. Ruth. 664 00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:59,200 I'm Lawrence. Photographer. 665 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:04,040 One minute. 666 00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:05,120 # Yeah! # 667 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:08,000 BLUES INSTRUMENTAL 668 00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:15,200 Lawrence? Lawrence, who's next? 669 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:16,280 Ruth. 670 00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:18,520 Ruth?! Ruth?! Ruth?! No! 671 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,720 No, wait. Lawrence! 672 00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:37,880 Right. Let's do it. 673 00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,960 # Well, I try to describe her 674 00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,240 # It's hard to stop... # 675 00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:59,120 Could I have...um, well, you know, some privacy? 676 00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:00,560 No-ho-ho! 677 00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:02,600 Off! 678 00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,480 ALL: Off, off, off...! 679 00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,080 ALL CONTINUE CHANTING "OFF" 680 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,360 ALL: Off! 681 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,360 THEY LAUGH 682 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,600 THEY CLAP 683 00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:18,200 # We wish you a merry Christmas 684 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,240 # And a happy New Year. # 685 00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,840 CHRIS BLOWS A RASPBERRY AND THEY ALL LAUGH 686 00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:34,320 NOISY CHATTER 687 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:39,640 THEY ALL STOP TALKING 688 00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:42,200 Congratulations. 689 00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,120 It's a calendar. 690 00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:55,360 Yes. Black and white with just one colour. 691 00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:58,480 Oh, I don't know, er, 300... 692 00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:01,640 400... 693 00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,440 No, 500 copies. 694 00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:06,440 So how much would that be? 695 00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:14,120 Thank you. Get back to you. 696 00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:16,800 It's never that much. It bloody is. 697 00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,560 We're looking for sponsorship, 698 00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:23,400 and my husband always used your products, you see? 699 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,160 He worked for the National Park. 700 00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:27,760 John Clarke? 701 00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:32,200 Yes, that's right. He died of leukaemia. Aye, I know. 702 00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,400 I'm sorry. Thank you. 703 00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:37,360 What do you need sponsorship for? 704 00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:39,040 OK, um... 705 00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:46,920 Right, we're getting there. 706 00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:50,520 But the sunflower needs to leap out at you. More yellow. 707 00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:53,560 Quiet! Look, you can't all be July. 708 00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:55,320 It's my birthday in July. 709 00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,400 My divorce came through in March. I'd like to be September. 710 00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:03,000 KNOCK AT DOOR 711 00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:12,840 Marie. I'm not disturbing you, am I? 712 00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:14,400 I was just passing. 713 00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:17,280 Oh, I bought, um... 714 00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:18,960 They're nothing much. 715 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:21,600 Oh, Marie, they're lovely. Come on in. 716 00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:31,000 I never felt I really knew John. 717 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,800 He worked for the National Park, didn't he? 718 00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,440 Mmm. 719 00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:39,120 I just wanted to say, Annie, if there's anything... 720 00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:43,080 These are beautiful. What are they? Gerberas? Gorgeous. 721 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:48,960 You should get away for a bit. Have a holiday. Get out of Knapely. 722 00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:51,320 You trying to get rid of me? 723 00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:53,360 No! No! I just... 724 00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,560 I feel I have to say something, Annie. But... More tea? 725 00:49:58,760 --> 00:49:59,800 No, no. 726 00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:05,760 I do know how difficult things must be for you at the moment, 727 00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:07,120 how you must be feeling. 728 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,000 Do you? 729 00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,480 Oh, dear. 730 00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:17,720 Do you think John would have approved of this, Annie? Really? 731 00:50:17,720 --> 00:50:19,960 You didn't know John, you say... 732 00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:24,720 No, but I know that he was a good man, a decent man. 733 00:50:24,720 --> 00:50:28,800 If your concern is for the reputation of Knapely WI... 734 00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:32,200 No, that's not what I'm saying. Well, I think it is, Marie. 735 00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,120 The WI is about doing good. 736 00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:39,280 And I think we have to ask ourselves what does more good - 737 00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:43,320 knowing slightly more about broccoli one week than we did the last, 738 00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:45,480 or providing some comfort for someone 739 00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:47,400 in the worst hours of their life? 740 00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,200 Because that's what it's like, sweetheart. 741 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:53,000 And, no, I don't think you do know how I feel. 742 00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:56,760 Annie! 743 00:50:58,480 --> 00:50:59,760 Re-sult! 744 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:01,000 Oh! 745 00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,840 Oh, hello, Marie. 746 00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,480 Sorry, were...were you...? 747 00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:08,560 I don't know. Marie, had you finished? 748 00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:10,480 You wanna put a penny in with those. 749 00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:12,600 They last longer. 750 00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:14,160 Chris. 751 00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:16,640 WHISPERING: What was that about? 752 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,920 Don't ask. What's the result? 753 00:51:18,920 --> 00:51:20,560 I've got us a sponsor. 754 00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:22,240 What?! 755 00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:22,240 CHRIS BLOWS A RASPBERRY 756 00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:24,880 ..to those boring old farts at Carmichael's Seeds. 757 00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:27,160 Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings. 758 00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:31,360 The beer? All our printing costs and a press launch. But the beer people? 759 00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:33,720 All we have to do is put their little logo 760 00:51:33,720 --> 00:51:35,880 at the bottom of each page. No, but... 761 00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:39,360 ..the seed company made sense cos, you know, John loved flowers. 762 00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:41,720 But he never drank beer, Chris. 763 00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:44,120 You know that. It's not about the beer, Annie. 764 00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:45,400 It's about their money. 765 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,520 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 766 00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,560 There it is. 767 00:51:58,560 --> 00:51:59,800 Have a look. 768 00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:01,960 Oh. It's beautiful. 769 00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:10,800 Hello, is this the Skipton News? 770 00:52:10,800 --> 00:52:13,280 Could I speak to your publicity person, please? 771 00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,200 I want to make an announcement. 772 00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:18,760 Madam Chairman, can I just... Sorry. 773 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:22,200 Madam Chairman, I'm sorry. Sorry. 774 00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:24,560 Er... It's Knapely. Sorry? 775 00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:26,200 In Yorkshire. Oh. Charming. 776 00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:30,440 Listen. I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of conference, but there's 777 00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:34,400 an issue come up at my WI which I feel duty-bound to inform you of. 778 00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:36,520 Well, you'll have to be brief. This way. 779 00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:42,720 Bastard! 780 00:52:42,720 --> 00:52:44,880 She wouldn't have done it deliberately. 781 00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:48,400 The absolute - and I hate to use the word... Well, don't then. 782 00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:50,360 It might have just slipped out. 783 00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:51,960 Oh, yes, to Brenda Mooney. 784 00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:55,720 Who happens to be Madam Chairman of the National WI Federation. 785 00:52:55,720 --> 00:52:56,840 We could just... 786 00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,160 I mean, Marie has deliberately poured poison down there. 787 00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:04,920 Well, we'll just... We'll do what, Ruth? Just... Please tell me! 788 00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:08,560 Seeing as 500 calendars are being printed as we speak. 789 00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:12,200 If we can't use the name Women's Institute, we just don't use it. 790 00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,400 If it's not the Women's Institute, it's just a load of 791 00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:19,120 middle-aged women mysteriously standing naked behind fruitcakes. 792 00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:25,200 Oh, my God! It would look like pornography! 793 00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:27,840 THEY ALL LAUGH 794 00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,680 But I don't know what's on the order form. 795 00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:37,320 It's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be. 796 00:53:37,320 --> 00:53:40,560 You're gonna have to sort this one out on your own, sweetheart. 797 00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:42,080 Why? 798 00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,960 Where the hell are you? Tell you later. 799 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:48,440 I'll be back tonight for the press conference. Bye! 800 00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:56,160 Chris Harper and Annie Clarke from Knapely to see Brenda Mooney. 801 00:53:56,160 --> 00:54:00,120 Are you official delegates? No. Yes, from Knapely. Yes, from Knapely. 802 00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:02,520 And you're here to do an open spot? 803 00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,640 Yep. Right. Follow me. 804 00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:06,400 We're in. 805 00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:11,200 What's an open spot? Sounds painful. 806 00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:14,440 I don't know. Very last minute. You have to go on straightaway. 807 00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:16,560 On where? Don't know. 808 00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,880 Which WI are you? We're from Knapely. There are lots of them. 809 00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:24,400 Ooh. There are, aren't there. 810 00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:27,240 Um. Brenda... 811 00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:29,720 Sorry, Madam Chairperson... 812 00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,120 "Conference" please. Sorry? I beg your pardon? 813 00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:35,840 Address the whole conference, please. 814 00:54:49,440 --> 00:54:53,000 The final open spot of the morning is the delegate from Knappely. 815 00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:55,240 Knapely. 816 00:54:55,240 --> 00:54:56,760 Knapely. 817 00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:03,000 I... 818 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,880 Er...we... 819 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,880 SHE SIGHS 820 00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:09,040 We... We wanted to come...to... 821 00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,480 ..ask approval from... 822 00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:15,920 ..well, from you all. 823 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:22,920 We...we want to do a WI calendar 824 00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:27,880 which raises enough money to...buy...um... 825 00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:32,640 a chair or a seat, a sofa, 826 00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:35,320 or, um...well, anything, really. 827 00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:39,920 CHRIS MOUTHS 828 00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:43,320 Sorry. 829 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:52,120 OK, so. 830 00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:54,000 The thing is here, 831 00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:58,760 is that the hospital local to us in Knapely is where my John... 832 00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:03,120 ..where... 833 00:56:07,200 --> 00:56:08,480 ..my husband... 834 00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:19,480 Thank you. Knapely, best of luck with the settee. 835 00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:22,800 No, no, no. Just hold on. Just hold on a minute with your red light. 836 00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:25,680 Sorry, does the other member from Knapely want to say something? 837 00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:29,800 Yes, because she's about to commit heresy. 838 00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:32,000 Hello. 839 00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:34,000 Here we go. 840 00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:36,000 WHISPERING: Oh, God. 841 00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:38,160 Look, I hate plum jam. 842 00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:40,520 TITTERING 843 00:56:41,840 --> 00:56:46,240 I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam. 844 00:56:46,240 --> 00:56:49,280 I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge. 845 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,440 In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually 846 00:56:52,440 --> 00:56:56,200 come to Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in ER, 847 00:56:56,200 --> 00:57:00,000 there seems very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI. 848 00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:02,280 Except suddenly... 849 00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:06,880 suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved, 850 00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:10,320 and to do that I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, 851 00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:13,680 and if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, 852 00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:18,000 well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval. 853 00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:20,920 Because there are some things that are more important 854 00:57:20,920 --> 00:57:22,880 than council approval. 855 00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:27,360 A-a-and if it means that we get closer to killing off this 856 00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:33,720 shitty, cheating, sly, conniving bloody disease that cancer is, 857 00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:36,800 God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton market naked, 858 00:57:36,800 --> 00:57:40,600 smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy 859 00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:42,920 on me head and singing Jerusalem. 860 00:57:42,920 --> 00:57:44,760 TITTERING 861 00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,320 Let's break. 862 00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:00,800 Ten minutes. 863 00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:15,960 We don't do nudity. 864 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,240 But we DO do charity. 865 00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:22,720 Can I assume this is a local fundraiser and you're not gonna be 866 00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:24,560 making too big a hoo-ha out of it? 867 00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:29,360 In which case, it's a branch matter, and I can leave any decision 868 00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:32,200 in the hands of your branch president. 869 00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:33,800 Thank you. Thank you. 870 00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:42,040 Oh. Sod it. Go on, then. 871 00:58:54,000 --> 00:58:58,520 Evening News? Yep. Morning Herald? Done. Did you invite the Gazette journalist? Yes. 872 00:58:58,520 --> 00:59:01,960 Actually, so did I. We'll have two of them, then. Here we go. 873 00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:04,040 Thank you. Keep the change. 874 00:59:06,360 --> 00:59:08,120 Oh, my God! It's half past. 875 00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:11,880 Come on. The girls will have done half the press conference by now. 876 00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,520 Right, where are we? 877 00:59:13,520 --> 00:59:15,840 I think it's down here. Come on. 878 00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,920 How many press releases did I send out? 879 00:59:32,920 --> 00:59:36,560 How many sodding press releases?! 880 00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,000 Bloody local paper! 881 00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,600 What bigger than this has happened in Knapely tonight? Don't tell me. 882 00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:44,680 Someone's grown a U-shaped marrow. 883 00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:50,800 We're going to lose money, aren't we? 884 00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:56,240 Not only are we not going to raise it, we're actually going to lose it. 885 00:59:57,280 --> 01:00:02,040 I suppose we did promise it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha. 886 01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:03,400 We tried. 887 01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:06,720 At least you made that speech. 888 01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:10,640 Yeah. Well, it's not enough, Annie. 889 01:00:13,840 --> 01:00:17,400 I'd rather not have tried than have to face Marie and say "Oh, no. 890 01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:21,000 "Actually, yes, you were right. It was another one of Chris's ideas." 891 01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:26,560 And what's worse - and this is a good one - 892 01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:30,680 To add insult to injury, I took me clothes off and no-one was interested. 893 01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:32,480 You after the WI thing? 894 01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:36,440 Yes. Had to spill over. They're in t'ballroom. 895 01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:47,040 ..giving the game away to say we did have the odd glass of wine. 896 01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:48,760 Oh, here they are! 897 01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:50,520 APPLAUSE 898 01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:00,080 EXCITED CHATTER 899 01:01:24,200 --> 01:01:25,880 JOURNALISTS SHOUT QUESTIONS 900 01:01:53,760 --> 01:01:58,680 Sorry? Um. Well, John our... 901 01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:06,080 A CROWD CALLS OUT QUESTIONS 902 01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:08,680 Ooh! Ooh! 903 01:02:13,720 --> 01:02:16,000 You're nude in the Telegraph, dear. 904 01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:20,720 Oh. Can you pass the bacon? 905 01:02:42,320 --> 01:02:44,280 Open up, Maya, love, will ya? 906 01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:46,600 I have, Mum. We're full. 907 01:02:56,840 --> 01:03:00,320 One minute the dressing gown was on, and the next 908 01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:02,480 it was just me and the hat. 909 01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:04,600 I'm standing here in the Yorkshire village of Knapely, 910 01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:07,520 where the local WI have not only been raising money, 911 01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:10,560 but raising eyebrows by stripping for a charity calendar. 912 01:03:10,560 --> 01:03:12,920 I'm thinking of taking it up professionally. 913 01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:14,560 What's your family think? 914 01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:17,920 I was worried that my daughter would be embarrassed. Mum! 915 01:03:17,920 --> 01:03:19,480 But she talked me into it. 916 01:03:19,480 --> 01:03:20,960 Any magazine offers? 917 01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:24,120 It's his village, is Knapely. 918 01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:26,480 House he grew up in was in Embsay Lane. 919 01:03:26,480 --> 01:03:29,200 And that church up there is where we got married. 920 01:03:29,200 --> 01:03:30,360 Hiya, Jessie! 921 01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:32,960 Sorry. Sorry. 922 01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:34,840 Miss September. 923 01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:36,840 It's done me the world of good. 924 01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:43,080 So, Chris, what gave you the idea? 925 01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:45,920 DOORBELL RINGS 926 01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:45,920 Oh, excuse me. 927 01:03:47,920 --> 01:03:52,760 Hello, dear. I brought my journalists to meet your journalists. 928 01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,760 Hello. 929 01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,760 CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK RAPIDLY 930 01:03:55,760 --> 01:03:59,800 ..To, er, to develop ideas and to have them... 931 01:03:59,800 --> 01:04:05,040 You know, after all, the WI is about education and empowerment of women. 932 01:04:05,040 --> 01:04:07,280 It's not just jam and Jerusalem, you know? 933 01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:10,040 The WI nude calendar? 934 01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:12,360 No, love, sorry. 935 01:04:12,360 --> 01:04:16,000 But I definitely sent you a batch of 50. Look. 936 01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:18,520 Look, Minstergate Bookshop, York. 937 01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:20,440 50. And I got 'em, love, 938 01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:25,160 and I put 'em out at 9 o'clock, and at 9.10, we'd sold out. 939 01:04:28,520 --> 01:04:31,720 Thanks very much. Thank you! 940 01:04:33,000 --> 01:04:36,720 Annie! Annie! 941 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:40,240 We've got to order more calendars! 942 01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:42,720 We're down to the last 25. 943 01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:49,040 What is it? They were waiting for me. 944 01:04:49,040 --> 01:04:51,680 Who? When I got back. 945 01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:01,000 Oh... 946 01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:02,520 God. 947 01:05:04,240 --> 01:05:05,760 Read this, Chris. 948 01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:16,360 It's happened to them, just like it's happened to me. 949 01:05:16,360 --> 01:05:18,360 I'm going to help them. 950 01:05:22,400 --> 01:05:27,480 "And your photo made me smile for the first time in 15 months. 951 01:05:27,480 --> 01:05:31,480 "Now I smile whenever I see the calendar. 952 01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:34,960 "Thank you, girls, for your bravery and beauty. 953 01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:37,360 "Best wishes, Vera Mason." 954 01:05:37,360 --> 01:05:39,960 "It reminded me so of Eileen. 955 01:05:39,960 --> 01:05:43,480 "You seemed to have the same spirit she had. 956 01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:47,320 "I know she would have howled with laughter at your photographs. 957 01:05:47,320 --> 01:05:48,960 "Thank you again. 958 01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:50,880 "Looking forward to the next." 959 01:05:53,920 --> 01:05:59,720 "I'm currently in the high security wing of Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland, 960 01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:03,080 "and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your... " 961 01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:15,480 '..has been speaking to the instigator of the world's first 962 01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,280 "nude WI calendar - Chris Harper.' 963 01:06:19,280 --> 01:06:20,760 CHEERING AND THEN CLAPPING 964 01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:24,040 So tell us how it all came about, cos you wouldn't normally 965 01:06:24,040 --> 01:06:25,640 associate the WI with nudity. 966 01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:29,600 No, no, the usual image of the WI calendar is of plums and jam 967 01:06:29,600 --> 01:06:31,160 and country views. 968 01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:34,360 But we thought if glamour photographers can do it on a beach 969 01:06:34,360 --> 01:06:37,600 in Bangkok, we can do it in a church hall near Skipton. 970 01:06:37,600 --> 01:06:39,920 CHEERING AND LAUGHTER 971 01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:45,600 Fantastic. How are you feeling? 972 01:06:45,600 --> 01:06:47,120 We feel fabulous! 973 01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:51,040 I was trying to get in there. 974 01:06:53,080 --> 01:06:55,400 Middle age didn't put them off stripping off, 975 01:06:55,400 --> 01:06:58,800 and now these women are hogging the headlines across the north. 976 01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,520 Chris Harper's behind it all. 977 01:07:00,520 --> 01:07:03,920 Rather than fall back on the usual twee landscape scenes, 978 01:07:03,920 --> 01:07:08,200 she talked her friends into posing nude for their local WI calendar. 979 01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:11,720 Not quite the jam and Jerusalem the ladies are usually known for. 980 01:07:11,720 --> 01:07:14,880 Chris says their husbands will never look at their wives 981 01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:16,120 in the same way again. 982 01:07:16,120 --> 01:07:19,920 Neither will the other members of this quiet little Dales community. 983 01:08:10,800 --> 01:08:13,480 Where you going? It's Thursday. 984 01:08:13,480 --> 01:08:15,920 But you just got back from the conference. 985 01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:17,720 Eddie, I've got a surprise for you. 986 01:08:17,720 --> 01:08:19,280 I've had it. 987 01:08:20,360 --> 01:08:23,840 I got it when someone turned round in t'petrol queue and said, 988 01:08:23,840 --> 01:08:27,200 "Isn't this tart with her tits out your wife?" 989 01:08:32,760 --> 01:08:34,280 Eddie. 990 01:08:37,320 --> 01:08:40,680 Eddie, I didn't do it just to... I just... Eddie! 991 01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:49,480 Burston wedding today. 992 01:08:49,480 --> 01:08:51,880 Morning, Jem. I'm Gaz. 993 01:08:51,880 --> 01:08:53,520 And we've got another order. 994 01:08:53,520 --> 01:08:56,240 It's a massive order, Chris. 995 01:08:56,240 --> 01:08:58,120 Guy's coming round at 4.30. 996 01:08:58,120 --> 01:08:59,960 Got a meeting. 997 01:08:59,960 --> 01:09:02,400 When are you back? Later. Bye! 998 01:09:02,400 --> 01:09:04,000 When later? 999 01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:07,320 Anyone seen Jem? 1000 01:09:11,280 --> 01:09:13,400 Normally more than one of you, is there? 1001 01:09:15,000 --> 01:09:16,720 Aye. Sorry. 1002 01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:20,520 But, er, my wife - 1003 01:09:20,520 --> 01:09:22,280 she's a bit busy at the moment. 1004 01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:24,360 Kids? No. 1005 01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:29,240 It's some WI calendar thing she's organised. 1006 01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:30,920 She's on a chat show. 1007 01:09:30,920 --> 01:09:33,800 Not the calendar? The nude one? 1008 01:09:33,800 --> 01:09:35,680 Aye. 1009 01:09:35,680 --> 01:09:37,800 We just bought one. My wife came home. 1010 01:09:37,800 --> 01:09:39,560 Seriously, it's fantastic. 1011 01:09:39,560 --> 01:09:41,920 I'll tell her. 1012 01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:46,120 So, I've bought flowers off Mr... 1013 01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:47,960 Come on, then, which one is she? 1014 01:09:49,600 --> 01:09:52,080 January. 1015 01:09:52,080 --> 01:09:54,680 Suppose you're getting sick of all this, are you? 1016 01:09:59,200 --> 01:10:02,120 Oi, give us some of that. 1017 01:10:08,160 --> 01:10:10,120 I thought I'd find you here. 1018 01:10:10,120 --> 01:10:11,640 You all right? 1019 01:10:13,360 --> 01:10:15,000 You got any money? 1020 01:10:16,000 --> 01:10:20,560 What IS funny, between you and me, some of the blokes... 1021 01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:25,440 Frank - his wife would hardly undress in front of him before. 1022 01:10:25,440 --> 01:10:27,680 And now, apparently, 1023 01:10:27,680 --> 01:10:29,200 you know... 1024 01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:36,800 Well, it's not had that effect in our bedroom, I can tell ya. 1025 01:10:36,800 --> 01:10:38,240 Hardly see her. 1026 01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:42,760 Sorry, I can't resist this. 1027 01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:44,360 Mr January. 1028 01:10:44,360 --> 01:10:46,520 You don't mind, do you? 1029 01:10:46,520 --> 01:10:48,960 Aye. As long as I don't have to take me clothes off. 1030 01:10:53,440 --> 01:10:58,960 # I will not cease 1031 01:10:53,440 --> 01:10:58,960 from mental fight... # 1032 01:10:53,440 --> 01:10:58,960 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 1033 01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:04,880 # Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand 1034 01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:10,480 # Till we have built Jerusalem... # 1035 01:11:10,480 --> 01:11:13,320 I'll tell ya. It's unbelievable. 1036 01:11:13,320 --> 01:11:18,080 Well, for the last two hours, I have been exchanging phone calls... 1037 01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:20,480 ..with Hollywood. 1038 01:11:20,480 --> 01:11:22,840 What, the real one? 1039 01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:24,520 No, Celia. The chocolate one. 1040 01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:27,640 Yes, the real one. From who? 1041 01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:32,080 From the studio of a show with a man whose name I've forgotten. 1042 01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:36,280 They're not coming all the way from America? No. 1043 01:11:36,280 --> 01:11:38,200 They're going to do it on the phone? 1044 01:11:38,200 --> 01:11:42,560 No. They only do face-to-face interviews. 1045 01:11:42,560 --> 01:11:45,880 If they won't come here and won't do it on the phone, how are they...? 1046 01:11:45,880 --> 01:11:47,520 Oh, my God. 1047 01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:52,000 We're going to Hollywood. Sssssh! EXCITED SCREAMS 1048 01:11:53,480 --> 01:11:55,520 WHISPERING: You're joking! 1049 01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:59,120 Reynoldson, with a Y. 1050 01:12:00,960 --> 01:12:03,360 Oh, he's there. 1051 01:12:03,360 --> 01:12:06,400 Oh, please, could you put me through to his room? 1052 01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:13,640 ..Eddie? 1053 01:12:19,280 --> 01:12:23,560 DISTANT GIGGLING 1054 01:12:23,560 --> 01:12:29,720 MIMICS ADULT: Your toilet was broken, but, er, but I've fixed it now. 1055 01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:33,360 All right, lads? 1056 01:12:34,880 --> 01:12:38,440 Can I help you, Officer? You can put that joint out for a start. 1057 01:12:45,320 --> 01:12:47,920 Hollywood? It's not for fun. 1058 01:12:47,920 --> 01:12:49,480 It's really important. 1059 01:12:49,480 --> 01:12:53,920 I mean, if we get on the telly in America, it's fantastic publicity. 1060 01:12:53,920 --> 01:12:56,400 Just imagine - the whole of America. 1061 01:12:58,920 --> 01:13:01,160 What about our business, Chris? 1062 01:13:01,160 --> 01:13:02,800 Or is that not important? 1063 01:13:04,400 --> 01:13:09,720 PHONE RINGS 1064 01:13:12,360 --> 01:13:14,160 Can you get that? 1065 01:13:17,160 --> 01:13:19,240 I'm in a meeting. 1066 01:13:19,240 --> 01:13:21,120 Hello. Flower Power. 1067 01:13:24,960 --> 01:13:27,120 It won't be anything serious. 1068 01:13:27,120 --> 01:13:29,720 He'll be all right. 1069 01:13:29,720 --> 01:13:32,400 They're not charging him. Oh, thank God. 1070 01:13:32,400 --> 01:13:34,320 Is it not illegal then? 1071 01:13:34,320 --> 01:13:38,280 Well, cannabis is, but they tend not to worry too much about oregano. 1072 01:13:38,280 --> 01:13:40,160 Right... 1073 01:13:40,160 --> 01:13:42,760 Right... 1074 01:13:42,760 --> 01:13:46,680 Oh, Jem, you stupid... You stupid... 1075 01:13:46,680 --> 01:13:48,640 Thanks, Mum. 1076 01:13:48,640 --> 01:13:50,240 Jem... It's all right, I'll go. 1077 01:13:50,240 --> 01:13:52,400 We've already had a little father and son. 1078 01:13:52,400 --> 01:13:55,880 Anyway, you've got to sign something before we can go. Right. 1079 01:13:55,880 --> 01:13:59,160 Jem! Would you like to come this way? 1080 01:13:59,160 --> 01:14:01,160 Yes, all right. 1081 01:14:01,160 --> 01:14:03,320 Oh, thanks. 1082 01:14:14,600 --> 01:14:16,520 Thanks very much. Goodnight. 1083 01:14:18,520 --> 01:14:20,640 Where is it? Where the hell is it? 1084 01:14:20,640 --> 01:14:23,120 Ah, passport! 1085 01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:27,280 I'm hoping they'll let me in with a few calendars. 1086 01:14:27,280 --> 01:14:30,520 After we've been on American telly, we might be able to shift a few. 1087 01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:34,320 Oh, no, wait a minute. The holidays are all different there, aren't they? 1088 01:14:34,320 --> 01:14:37,160 Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint. 1089 01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:39,480 You know, the American version. 1090 01:14:39,480 --> 01:14:41,440 So... 1091 01:14:41,440 --> 01:14:43,080 Your son's been arrested. 1092 01:14:45,240 --> 01:14:47,080 Yes, I know. 1093 01:14:47,080 --> 01:14:50,440 And released, Annie, with 10g of oregano. 1094 01:14:50,440 --> 01:14:53,400 The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche. 1095 01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:55,760 But he thought it was drugs, Chris. 1096 01:14:57,760 --> 01:15:00,240 Do you want to stay? 1097 01:15:00,240 --> 01:15:01,760 Find out why? 1098 01:15:04,720 --> 01:15:07,040 Yes, I do, obviously, but... 1099 01:15:10,080 --> 01:15:13,880 The woman in the studio contacted ME, Annie. I'm the one who... 1100 01:15:13,880 --> 01:15:17,680 Chris, Chris, we can cope. 1101 01:15:17,680 --> 01:15:19,560 We're big girls. 1102 01:15:20,760 --> 01:15:23,280 Particularly Celia. 1103 01:15:55,360 --> 01:16:01,840 Hello. I was wondering if you could quote me for some carpets. 1104 01:16:03,360 --> 01:16:06,200 You do sell carpets? 1105 01:16:06,200 --> 01:16:08,680 You are the owner of a carpet warehouse? 1106 01:16:08,680 --> 01:16:11,400 Sorry. I'm with someone. I know. 1107 01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:12,920 My husband. 1108 01:16:16,360 --> 01:16:20,960 I just came to Ilkley to see what I wasn't as good as. 1109 01:16:23,040 --> 01:16:25,560 OK. Well, you've done that now. 1110 01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:29,640 He told me you were the manager 1111 01:16:29,640 --> 01:16:31,400 of a carpet warehouse. 1112 01:16:31,400 --> 01:16:33,760 He told me you were dead. 1113 01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,960 I think maybe I have been. 1114 01:16:38,960 --> 01:16:42,160 You are looking good, baby. 1115 01:16:42,160 --> 01:16:44,280 Sorry? 1116 01:16:44,280 --> 01:16:47,200 Which one of us are you talking about, Eddie? 1117 01:16:47,200 --> 01:16:50,880 The one that makes a tart of herself by taking her clothes off, or me? 1118 01:16:52,200 --> 01:16:54,400 Sod off! Eddie? 1119 01:16:54,400 --> 01:16:58,200 No, no. You stay and enjoy yourselves. 1120 01:16:58,200 --> 01:16:59,720 I'm off to Hollywood. 1121 01:17:03,240 --> 01:17:04,760 Eddie? 1122 01:17:08,480 --> 01:17:11,960 Sorry I'm late! Frank was so slow. 1123 01:17:11,960 --> 01:17:14,880 Bloody hell, Celia! How many frocks? 1124 01:17:14,880 --> 01:17:16,640 ..or you'll be flooded out. 1125 01:17:16,640 --> 01:17:19,800 And if anything goes wrong, phone your Auntie Sophie. 1126 01:17:21,960 --> 01:17:24,560 Aren't you going to say "Don't do anything I wouldn't do"? 1127 01:17:24,560 --> 01:17:26,040 You already have, Mam. 1128 01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:28,840 Right, everyone. Has everyone got a ticket? 1129 01:17:28,840 --> 01:17:32,760 ALL: Yes. A passport? ALL: Yes. 1130 01:17:32,760 --> 01:17:34,600 A lying snake for a husband? 1131 01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:38,080 No? Only me there, then. 1132 01:17:38,080 --> 01:17:39,760 Let's go! 1133 01:17:44,040 --> 01:17:47,560 Hollywood, please, on your shiniest plane. 1134 01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:54,400 Sorry, ladies. You've come to the wrong desk. 1135 01:17:54,400 --> 01:17:56,680 ALL: What?! 1136 01:17:59,120 --> 01:18:02,720 I have asked four people. Each said we could check in for the flight 1137 01:18:02,720 --> 01:18:04,800 to Los Angeles at any desks. 1138 01:18:04,800 --> 01:18:08,040 We have queued for 20 minutes in the only queue, 1139 01:18:08,040 --> 01:18:11,040 and we were directed to your desk by your representative. 1140 01:18:11,040 --> 01:18:13,360 Where PRECISELY have we gone wrong? 1141 01:18:13,360 --> 01:18:17,240 There was no need to queue, madam. You're all flying upper class. 1142 01:18:17,240 --> 01:18:18,760 You've been upgraded. 1143 01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:22,280 We're going first class! First class?! 1144 01:18:23,920 --> 01:18:25,480 I can check you in here if you like. 1145 01:18:25,480 --> 01:18:29,040 Thank you, dear. What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl. 1146 01:18:33,480 --> 01:18:36,000 Celia, press the white button on the right. 1147 01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:41,640 I am doing! On the right. The white one. Bye-bye! 1148 01:18:41,640 --> 01:18:43,680 Cheerio. 1149 01:18:43,680 --> 01:18:46,320 I'm going right under you, Celia. Fantastic. 1150 01:18:49,920 --> 01:18:51,880 I got my foot stuck now. Ow! 1151 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:07,280 Where are we, Cora? 1152 01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:10,040 This is Sunset Strip! No?! 1153 01:20:10,040 --> 01:20:12,880 # Ride the pony 1154 01:20:12,880 --> 01:20:15,960 # Get on your pony and ride 1155 01:20:15,960 --> 01:20:17,440 # Whoo yeah... # 1156 01:20:17,440 --> 01:20:20,960 Cheerio, gals. I'll see you later. What are you doing? I'm Superman. 1157 01:20:20,960 --> 01:20:25,600 I'm going up. Be careful! It's lovely. Come up. 1158 01:20:25,600 --> 01:20:28,720 # ..Hey hey now Hey 1159 01:20:28,720 --> 01:20:30,080 # Keep on riding... # 1160 01:20:30,080 --> 01:20:32,600 Hollywood! We're here! 1161 01:20:32,600 --> 01:20:34,720 Get down! Stop messing about. 1162 01:20:48,800 --> 01:20:51,360 Good afternoon, ladies. 1163 01:20:51,360 --> 01:20:53,080 Thank you, Ashley, I'll handle this. 1164 01:20:53,080 --> 01:20:55,360 Good afternoon, ladies. Welcome to Los Angeles. 1165 01:20:55,360 --> 01:20:58,680 ALL: Thank you. It's our first time here. Is that right? 1166 01:20:58,680 --> 01:21:00,200 Yeah. Clarke. 1167 01:21:00,200 --> 01:21:02,480 The name's Clarke. Mrs Clarke. 1168 01:21:02,480 --> 01:21:05,560 Or should I call you Miss February? 1169 01:21:05,560 --> 01:21:10,040 I saw your picture in the paper this morning. 1170 01:21:10,040 --> 01:21:11,760 In an American paper? 1171 01:21:11,760 --> 01:21:14,600 Thank you, ma'am. 1172 01:21:14,600 --> 01:21:18,600 Now, I'll just talk you through the facilities, OK? Thanks. 1173 01:21:18,600 --> 01:21:22,040 Now, there are two televisions, one on each end, 1174 01:21:22,040 --> 01:21:25,240 both of which have cable TV, Internet access 1175 01:21:25,240 --> 01:21:26,760 and movies on demand. 1176 01:21:26,760 --> 01:21:30,640 Now, there's also a full bar here, but if you need anything special, 1177 01:21:30,640 --> 01:21:33,680 don't hesitate to call downstairs and we'll... 1178 01:21:33,680 --> 01:21:36,000 Is everything OK, ma'am? 1179 01:21:36,000 --> 01:21:38,080 No, it's fine. It's just I'm a bit tired. 1180 01:21:38,080 --> 01:21:40,360 I'd like to go to my room now, really. 1181 01:21:40,360 --> 01:21:42,760 This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am. 1182 01:21:42,760 --> 01:21:44,960 This is your room. 1183 01:21:49,480 --> 01:21:52,240 Come on, I'll show you downstairs. It's beautiful. 1184 01:21:58,520 --> 01:22:01,320 # You got a smile so bright 1185 01:22:01,320 --> 01:22:03,680 # You know you could've been... # 1186 01:22:03,680 --> 01:22:05,320 Have you been in your bathroom? 1187 01:22:05,320 --> 01:22:06,880 Me too! I'm in the bath! 1188 01:22:06,880 --> 01:22:10,280 And the bubbles, they're Christian Dior. The bath bubbles! 1189 01:22:10,280 --> 01:22:14,360 They're Christian Dior! Do you think they'll charge us for it? 1190 01:22:14,360 --> 01:22:16,520 I hope not! 1191 01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:20,960 # ..You know You could've been a broom 1192 01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,480 # The way you smell so sweet 1193 01:22:24,720 --> 01:22:27,200 # You know you could have been Some perfume 1194 01:22:28,440 --> 01:22:31,600 # Well, you could've been anything 1195 01:22:31,600 --> 01:22:33,120 # That you wanted to 1196 01:22:33,120 --> 01:22:36,360 # And I can tell 1197 01:22:36,360 --> 01:22:39,920 # The way you do the things you do The way you do, oh baby 1198 01:22:39,920 --> 01:22:44,520 # The way you do the way you do As fruity as you are... # 1199 01:22:44,520 --> 01:22:47,520 Oh, yes. Nice. 1200 01:22:47,520 --> 01:22:49,400 Good. And then into the limo. 1201 01:22:49,400 --> 01:22:51,040 Into the limo. 1202 01:22:51,040 --> 01:22:53,640 That's very good. No, it's great. 1203 01:22:53,640 --> 01:22:58,320 Let me have a shot with you and the girls. No, no! We gotta go. 1204 01:22:58,320 --> 01:23:01,840 Give him a kiss. Put your arm round him. British women are taking me hostage! 1205 01:23:01,840 --> 01:23:06,560 We're not going to let you go. 1206 01:23:01,840 --> 01:23:06,560 I hate that. 1207 01:23:01,840 --> 01:23:06,560 EXCITED CHATTER 1208 01:23:06,560 --> 01:23:07,800 Right... 1209 01:23:09,960 --> 01:23:13,800 What are we doing first, then, eh? ALL: Chris! 1210 01:23:13,800 --> 01:23:19,080 Chris. I can't believe it! You look gorgeous! 1211 01:23:20,160 --> 01:23:22,600 I'm very excited! 1212 01:23:22,600 --> 01:23:29,240 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 1213 01:23:43,680 --> 01:23:45,560 Looking lovely! 1214 01:23:45,560 --> 01:23:47,760 That's fantastic! 1215 01:23:47,760 --> 01:23:49,800 OK! 1216 01:23:49,800 --> 01:23:53,040 Great, ladies! OK, we got another section coming up. 1217 01:23:54,560 --> 01:23:57,680 Hey! Bye-bye. Hold it, guys. 1218 01:23:57,680 --> 01:23:59,480 Ladies, please! 1219 01:23:59,480 --> 01:24:02,400 We got a whole new section to do here! Come on. 1220 01:24:02,400 --> 01:24:03,920 Come on, ladies! 1221 01:24:18,640 --> 01:24:21,920 It's four pages, Annie. The cover page, and then four pages 1222 01:24:21,920 --> 01:24:24,120 about how I don't give him sex any more. 1223 01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:29,000 I just had to get away. I mean, the press will be all over it by now. 1224 01:24:29,000 --> 01:24:33,520 So Rod's having to deal with all that on his own, then, is he? 1225 01:24:33,520 --> 01:24:36,960 Well, him and Jem. 1226 01:24:38,440 --> 01:24:44,280 Slightly out of character, don't you think, for Rod, saying all that? 1227 01:24:44,280 --> 01:24:46,040 Did he get tricked into it? 1228 01:24:48,240 --> 01:24:49,800 Did you stay to find out? 1229 01:24:51,320 --> 01:24:53,520 Or by that time, was there a taxi waiting? 1230 01:24:55,440 --> 01:24:59,320 Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine. 1231 01:24:59,320 --> 01:25:02,520 Annie, Chris, this is Frank, Scott and John. 1232 01:25:02,520 --> 01:25:04,480 They're in a band called Anthrax. 1233 01:25:04,480 --> 01:25:07,280 Hello. Heard so much about you. 1234 01:25:07,280 --> 01:25:09,320 We're really impressed with what you're doing. 1235 01:25:09,320 --> 01:25:14,840 It's a great story. We haven't heard anything about you. I have. I have! 1236 01:25:14,840 --> 01:25:17,960 Have you had a think about that, then? 1237 01:25:17,960 --> 01:25:19,640 Yes. 1238 01:25:19,640 --> 01:25:22,640 Well, yes. It would be in that ballpark, yes. 1239 01:25:24,400 --> 01:25:25,640 Well, you know what? 1240 01:25:25,640 --> 01:25:28,160 Let me talk with my associates, and I'll get back to you. 1241 01:25:28,160 --> 01:25:29,960 OK. Bye. 1242 01:25:29,960 --> 01:25:32,000 Thank you. Who was that on the phone? 1243 01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:34,720 Very exciting. Who? Very exciting. 1244 01:25:34,720 --> 01:25:36,320 I'll tell you in make-up. 1245 01:25:36,320 --> 01:25:38,880 We're dead close to a deal. Oh, look, that's him. 1246 01:25:38,880 --> 01:25:40,600 By the way, is it Lee-no or Leno? 1247 01:25:40,600 --> 01:25:43,240 We've gotta get it right. Leno. 1248 01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:45,280 Are you sure? No, I think it's Lee-no. 1249 01:25:45,280 --> 01:25:46,880 Leno. 1250 01:25:46,880 --> 01:25:49,880 Not only will they sponsor the calendar in America 1251 01:25:49,880 --> 01:25:53,040 to the tune of $30,000, but guess who'll be filming 1252 01:25:53,040 --> 01:25:57,440 in the studio next to the one we shoot the advert in? What? 1253 01:25:57,440 --> 01:26:00,440 Guess who's filming in the studio next to the one 1254 01:26:00,440 --> 01:26:03,080 we're going to shoot the advert in? Advert? 1255 01:26:03,080 --> 01:26:06,240 Well, they sponsor us, we do their advert for washing powder. 1256 01:26:06,240 --> 01:26:07,840 Ker-ching! That's how it works. 1257 01:26:07,840 --> 01:26:10,360 George Clooney. 1258 01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:13,040 Can I have it straight like Jennifer Aniston? 1259 01:26:13,040 --> 01:26:14,880 You know, in Friends. 1260 01:26:14,880 --> 01:26:17,600 Why would I dye just part of my head? 1261 01:26:17,600 --> 01:26:19,560 It doesn't make any sense. 1262 01:26:19,560 --> 01:26:22,080 I do not dye my hair. 1263 01:26:22,080 --> 01:26:23,800 You may have heard about my first guests. 1264 01:26:23,800 --> 01:26:27,680 They went from living a quiet, peaceful life in a small British 1265 01:26:27,680 --> 01:26:29,920 town to becoming nude calendar girls. 1266 01:26:29,920 --> 01:26:33,040 They're here tonight to tell us the story. This is the calendar. 1267 01:26:33,040 --> 01:26:36,720 Please welcome, from Knapely, England, the Calendar Girls. 1268 01:26:36,720 --> 01:26:38,960 Let's bring them out. 1269 01:26:38,960 --> 01:26:41,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERS 1270 01:26:41,440 --> 01:26:42,960 Hello, girls. How are you? 1271 01:26:44,600 --> 01:26:47,680 How are you? Good to see you. Everybody's here. Have a seat. 1272 01:26:50,800 --> 01:26:52,840 Just sit anywhere. 1273 01:26:52,840 --> 01:26:55,720 I'm curious. Have you girls been strippers all your lives? 1274 01:26:55,720 --> 01:26:58,320 We're not strippers! 1275 01:26:58,320 --> 01:27:00,080 Did you get drunk beforehand? 1276 01:27:00,080 --> 01:27:04,680 It was no big deal, you know. We've all got the same bits. 1277 01:27:04,680 --> 01:27:06,840 The same bits? 1278 01:27:06,840 --> 01:27:10,000 Yes. They're just different sizes. 1279 01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,880 Can I have some of them rice things? 1280 01:27:12,880 --> 01:27:15,240 It's called sushi. I know. 1281 01:27:15,240 --> 01:27:18,160 It's all suggestive. 1282 01:27:18,160 --> 01:27:20,440 I could make a few suggestions. 1283 01:27:20,440 --> 01:27:22,280 Well, ladies, it's fascinating. 1284 01:27:22,280 --> 01:27:26,160 Good luck with your work. And, please, if you would just 1285 01:27:26,160 --> 01:27:29,120 try to encourage more women to get naked... 1286 01:27:29,120 --> 01:27:32,240 Thank you very much, the ladies of Knapely. 1287 01:27:32,240 --> 01:27:35,400 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1288 01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:39,040 We do have to work some kind of order out when we're asked questions, 1289 01:27:39,040 --> 01:27:42,960 cos far too much of that you couldn't hear because everybody was talking. 1290 01:27:42,960 --> 01:27:45,080 Annie? 1291 01:27:45,080 --> 01:27:46,600 Annie? 1292 01:27:48,440 --> 01:27:50,920 What are you doing? 1293 01:27:50,920 --> 01:27:52,440 You missed it. 1294 01:27:54,200 --> 01:27:57,160 We were just on television, the whole reason we came here. 1295 01:27:57,160 --> 01:28:00,520 I thought that was to get AWAY from the press. 1296 01:28:22,080 --> 01:28:23,680 Hello? 1297 01:28:25,360 --> 01:28:26,880 Hello? 1298 01:28:28,600 --> 01:28:30,440 Is there anyone there? 1299 01:28:35,440 --> 01:28:38,320 Ah, there they are! 1300 01:28:38,320 --> 01:28:40,680 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! 1301 01:28:40,680 --> 01:28:43,640 Welcome, ladies. How are we today? 1302 01:28:43,640 --> 01:28:46,280 Fine. Fantastic. Fabulendo. 1303 01:28:46,280 --> 01:28:48,720 My name is Danny. I'm the director. 1304 01:28:48,720 --> 01:28:51,200 And which one of you is Chris? 1305 01:28:52,720 --> 01:28:54,400 You're Chris. Hi. 1306 01:28:56,080 --> 01:28:58,960 Exciting. Yeah, yeah. 1307 01:28:58,960 --> 01:29:01,400 OK, now, just to let you know, 1308 01:29:01,400 --> 01:29:05,520 what I've done is cleared the studio of excess men. 1309 01:29:05,520 --> 01:29:07,400 That's a shame. 1310 01:29:07,400 --> 01:29:09,400 I didn't want you walking around naked 1311 01:29:09,400 --> 01:29:11,720 in front of a bunch of guys you didn't know. 1312 01:29:11,720 --> 01:29:13,160 Sorry? 1313 01:29:14,520 --> 01:29:18,560 We're doing the washing powder, right, hanging the washing on the line. 1314 01:29:20,120 --> 01:29:22,800 And naked behind. 1315 01:29:22,800 --> 01:29:25,800 I mean, there's not a problem with that, is there? 1316 01:29:25,800 --> 01:29:28,440 It is what you girls do, isn't it? 1317 01:29:31,760 --> 01:29:34,600 Yeah. Yes. Great. 1318 01:29:52,200 --> 01:29:54,840 Not now. I'm working. 1319 01:29:54,840 --> 01:29:57,320 Go, go, go. 1320 01:29:57,320 --> 01:30:00,360 Great! Beautiful! I love this! 1321 01:30:02,440 --> 01:30:06,720 Ladies, the time...is now. 1322 01:30:09,200 --> 01:30:10,680 Roxanne, Carol, 1323 01:30:10,680 --> 01:30:14,440 hi. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. 1324 01:30:14,440 --> 01:30:16,600 What do you think? It's great. 1325 01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:23,680 BELL RINGS 1326 01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:23,680 Thank you very much. Is the 1327 01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:23,680 agency happy? We are. Thank you. 1328 01:30:25,080 --> 01:30:27,560 Annie! 1329 01:30:27,560 --> 01:30:31,480 We'll be just a moment. Annie! 1330 01:30:35,160 --> 01:30:36,200 Annie? 1331 01:30:36,200 --> 01:30:38,680 Look, Annie, this is for the calendar. 1332 01:30:38,680 --> 01:30:42,760 We just do this, we get the calendar out in America... 1333 01:30:44,480 --> 01:30:46,760 Look, are you gonna talk to me? 1334 01:30:46,760 --> 01:30:49,880 I need a shower. What? Was it down here? 1335 01:30:49,880 --> 01:30:51,760 I feel dirty. 1336 01:30:51,760 --> 01:30:54,360 Your washing powder made me feel dirty. Where's the dressing room? 1337 01:30:54,360 --> 01:30:57,280 MY washing powder? Down here. 1338 01:30:58,840 --> 01:31:01,400 Oh, I get it. I see. 1339 01:31:01,400 --> 01:31:03,600 This is cos I've organised it, right? 1340 01:31:03,600 --> 01:31:06,880 Because I've made a success of getting us a sponsor 1341 01:31:06,880 --> 01:31:08,880 and taken this out of being... 1342 01:31:08,880 --> 01:31:12,520 We're not just raising money for a relatives' room any more, are we? 1343 01:31:12,520 --> 01:31:15,760 Damn you! We're taking on the bloody disease. Red light's on, Chris! 1344 01:31:15,760 --> 01:31:18,080 You can't stand it, can you? 1345 01:31:18,080 --> 01:31:21,440 You cannot stand that I've made this calendar a success. 1346 01:31:21,440 --> 01:31:26,040 No, see, Chris, what's happened is this calendar's made YOU a success. 1347 01:31:29,720 --> 01:31:31,600 What's that supposed to mean? 1348 01:31:31,600 --> 01:31:35,080 Where are we? Annie, what is that supposed to mean? 1349 01:31:35,080 --> 01:31:37,640 Don't ask me what it means, Chris! 1350 01:31:37,640 --> 01:31:39,840 When you're standing in the middle of a cardboard street 1351 01:31:39,840 --> 01:31:42,280 talking about meeting George Clooney. 1352 01:31:42,280 --> 01:31:44,760 What's with all these letters, then, eh, Annie? 1353 01:31:44,760 --> 01:31:47,960 All this bloody Florence Nightingale, this agony aunt? 1354 01:31:47,960 --> 01:31:51,440 Doesn't that smack just a little bit of being a star? 1355 01:31:51,440 --> 01:31:54,440 You know, loads of people lose their partners to this disease. 1356 01:31:54,440 --> 01:31:56,640 I bet they don't all get fan mail. 1357 01:31:56,640 --> 01:31:59,000 Doesn't that make you a little bit of a success, 1358 01:31:59,000 --> 01:32:01,280 a very successful bereaved woman? 1359 01:32:01,280 --> 01:32:03,600 A celebrity widow? 1360 01:32:03,600 --> 01:32:05,800 St Annie of Knapely? 1361 01:32:05,800 --> 01:32:07,080 Eh?! 1362 01:32:07,080 --> 01:32:11,080 Eh?! I'm not a saint, 1363 01:32:11,080 --> 01:32:14,040 because I'd rob every penny from this calendar 1364 01:32:14,040 --> 01:32:17,080 if it would buy me just one more hour with him. 1365 01:32:19,040 --> 01:32:21,560 You've still got yours, 1366 01:32:21,560 --> 01:32:23,080 and you're in Hollywood! 1367 01:33:43,400 --> 01:33:45,040 Oh, Lord! 1368 01:33:45,040 --> 01:33:47,680 It's Thursday. Come on. 1369 01:33:47,680 --> 01:33:50,000 We've gotta get in there. 1370 01:33:50,000 --> 01:33:51,520 Are you coming? 1371 01:34:08,120 --> 01:34:09,480 Hello, love. 1372 01:34:12,680 --> 01:34:15,520 # Build it here 1373 01:34:15,520 --> 01:34:21,360 # Among the dark satanic mills... 1374 01:34:21,360 --> 01:34:27,640 # Give me my bow of burnished gold... # 1375 01:34:46,080 --> 01:34:47,560 How's Jem? 1376 01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:51,160 He made a quiche on Tuesday. 1377 01:34:51,160 --> 01:34:52,760 We've been stoned ever since. 1378 01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,120 Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right. 1379 01:35:04,360 --> 01:35:07,120 Look, Rod... 1380 01:35:07,120 --> 01:35:09,240 I'm sorry. You don't have to apologise. 1381 01:35:09,240 --> 01:35:10,600 I do have to apologise because 1382 01:35:10,600 --> 01:35:13,640 everything you said in the paper was true, wasn't it? 1383 01:35:15,160 --> 01:35:18,040 I didn't know he was a journalist. This isn't the point. 1384 01:35:19,400 --> 01:35:21,160 I mean, you still said it. 1385 01:35:21,160 --> 01:35:23,240 Just why didn't you say it to me? 1386 01:35:23,240 --> 01:35:25,520 Why didn't you just, I don't know, shout out, 1387 01:35:25,520 --> 01:35:27,440 "What the bloody hell do you think..." 1388 01:35:27,440 --> 01:35:29,640 I know you'd have liked me to. 1389 01:35:29,640 --> 01:35:33,120 It'd suit your Hollywood story a bit more if I'd been 1390 01:35:33,120 --> 01:35:35,720 "No bloody wife of mine!" But I've not because... 1391 01:35:35,720 --> 01:35:38,800 I actually think it's brilliant what you've done. 1392 01:35:40,320 --> 01:35:43,400 That's why I've stood behind you, and I've told your son 1393 01:35:43,400 --> 01:35:44,960 to get over it and be proud, 1394 01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:47,920 because I actually wanted you to have all this. 1395 01:35:51,920 --> 01:35:54,200 Thank you. 1396 01:35:55,520 --> 01:35:58,040 Now, do me a bloody favour, get back in that hall 1397 01:35:58,040 --> 01:36:00,400 and sort out whatever's gone wrong with Annie. 1398 01:36:02,440 --> 01:36:05,080 I don't know what to say to her. 1399 01:36:05,080 --> 01:36:06,840 She's your oldest friend, Chris. 1400 01:36:06,840 --> 01:36:09,240 You don't have to say anything. 1401 01:36:13,520 --> 01:36:16,160 EXCITED CHATTER 1402 01:36:16,160 --> 01:36:17,920 Sorry. Ladies, ladies! 1403 01:36:17,920 --> 01:36:20,320 Would you, um... Ladies, please. 1404 01:36:20,320 --> 01:36:23,880 Since we've stopped, as it happens, 1405 01:36:23,880 --> 01:36:27,480 today we've finally been sent the first figures 1406 01:36:27,480 --> 01:36:30,000 for the sales of our calendar. 1407 01:36:30,000 --> 01:36:31,160 Come on. Where is it? 1408 01:36:31,160 --> 01:36:33,040 Right, thank you. 1409 01:36:33,040 --> 01:36:36,080 It says here, in this letter from... 1410 01:36:36,080 --> 01:36:39,480 Leukaemia Research Fund, 1411 01:36:39,480 --> 01:36:42,480 that we've so far raised... 1412 01:36:42,480 --> 01:36:47,840 £286,000. 1413 01:36:47,840 --> 01:36:49,680 WOMEN GASP 1414 01:36:49,680 --> 01:36:54,160 So a big round of applause to all of us for making it such a success. 1415 01:36:55,320 --> 01:36:57,640 We can get that sofa in the leather, then. 1416 01:37:00,000 --> 01:37:03,040 PIANO PLAYS: Jerusalem 1417 01:37:09,960 --> 01:37:16,040 # And did those feet In ancient times 1418 01:37:16,040 --> 01:37:17,960 # Walk upon England's... # 1419 01:37:17,960 --> 01:37:20,640 I've put our names down for next month's speakers. 1420 01:37:22,000 --> 01:37:26,400 "Chris and Annie - What We Learned In Hollywood." 1421 01:37:26,400 --> 01:37:28,440 You're lying. I know for a fact, 1422 01:37:28,440 --> 01:37:32,480 Colin Petley's coming from Keighley with his collection of tea towels. 1423 01:37:32,480 --> 01:37:34,440 Be still, my beating heart! 1424 01:37:34,440 --> 01:37:37,440 THEY CHUCKLE 1425 01:38:37,720 --> 01:38:39,400 Anyone fancy some chips? 1426 01:38:39,400 --> 01:38:40,920 Oh, yes! Good idea! 1427 01:38:40,920 --> 01:38:43,120 I'm starving!