This film contains discriminatory language which some may find offensive
How can those stupid British ever hope to vin?
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys who will make you think again,
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
Morning! Good morning!
Morning, Mr Hodges.
Morning, Mr Jones. Nice morning! Morning, Mr Mainwaring, sir!
Morning, sir. Morning, Wilson.
You're going the wrong way! Do you mind if I'm a little late?
Why? I have to change my egg. This week's is a little bit off.
Hurry up! You're supposed to OPEN the bank.
If there's a queue, change it at lunchtime. All right, sir.
Whoops! Sorry, guv.
Morning, Miss King...Pike. Morning, Mr Mainwaring.
The war news looks serious.
Nothing to worry about, Pike.
The German attack will just fizzle out.
Miss King. Yes, sir? That lipstick is far too bright.
That sort of thing gets the bank a bad name. Yes, sir.
Pike, don't wear your pencils in your top pocket. It looks very common.
When I was a young clerk we had to wear morning dress.
Change the date on that.
I say! How long much longer must I wait here?
Can I help you?
Cash that, will you? Certainly.
Do you have an account with us? No.
Or any arrangement? No.
Then I can't cash it. Why not?
£10 is rather a lot of money. There IS a war on.
I know! I thought you'd have abandoned this red tape.
We have to be even MORE careful.
You might be a German spy. Rubbish!
It is not rubbish. They're being dropped by parachute.
Some are disguised as nuns. Do I look like a nun?!
We can't take a chance.
Who is in authority? I am.
Will you cash my cheque or not? I will not. If you'll excuse me...
I'm rather busy.
Damned bank clerk!
I happen to be the manager!
Of course you are. Into my office, Wilson!
Right.
What's the matter, General?
Damned bank clerk!
Oy! Want to buy any petrol coupons?
I managed to get it changed, sir.
Hmm? The egg. Don't you remember?
I was just going to...
I'm not interested in your domestic arrangements!
Have you seen the paper? The news isn't very good.
This is our master-plan...
to lure them into a trap.
The Maginot Line is impregnable.
It was on the wireless... the Germans have reached Holland.
Good Lord! How on earth did they do that?
I'd have sworn they'd never break the Maginot Line. They didn't.
Ah! I'm a good judge of these matters.
They went round the side. I see...
They WHAT? Went round the side.
A typical, shabby, Nazi trick!
That's the sort of people they are.
Most unreliable.
Anthony Eden is making an important announcement soon. Really, sir?
About home defence. Switch the wireless on. That's...rather difficult.
Why must you always QUESTION everything?
I'll do it!
We haven't got a wireless. No, sir.
Come on. We'll go to Elliot's store and hear it there. Right.
Come on! I'm coming as quick as I can!
< BELL RINGS
Our boys are fighting the Nazis and people here guzzle ice-cream!
Morning! Morning, vicar!
Come inside!
Anybody about?
Good day, Mr Mainwaring.
Turn a wireless on, please. Certainly. Which one?
I don't care! What about this model?
£6.10s, or you can have it on easy terms.
Just turn it on! Very good, sir.
What's the matter with it? It has to warm up, you know.
RADIO : '...to do something to defend their country.'
'Now is your opportunity.'
'We want large numbers of men...'
It's a lovely tone, don't you think? Be quiet!
'...come forward and offer their service, to make assurance doubly sure.'
Did you hear that?!
Would you like a different station? Leave it alone!
'When on duty you will form part of the armed forces'
'In order to volunteer you must give in your name at your local police station.'
'That was an appeal by...'
That's it, Wilson. Let's get down to the police station and sign on.
Don't you want the wireless? Don't be ridiculous! Good day.
Thank goodness we're getting some action! Quite.
We'll give Hitler a bloody nose! Of course we will. Sorry.
Mr Mainwaring! I heard Anthony Eden
on the wireless. So did we.
I'll sign on with you. Oh, good!
I am an old soldier, you know. I was with Kitchener in the Sudan.
And I served through the Boer War... Yes.
And the 1914-18 war... Yes. And I got invalided out... Yes.
They said my eyes are no good, but there's nothing wrong with them.
Sorry.
EVERYONE SHOUTING AT ONCE.
SERGEANT:
One at a time, PLEASE !
Look here, Sergeant. I'm Mainwaring and I've come to join the L.D.V.
I want to join, too! I'm an old soldier from the Sudanese campaign.
Just wait your turn!
You'll hear from the Appointing Commander.
Who's he? He's not appointed yet!
We can't have this red tape! Name, please.
Steady on! > I was here first!
Wilson, we shall have to do something!
Do somebody quick! I'll have to take charge!
Take charge! Is that wise? There's no-one else.
Excuse me, officer, is there a convenience?
Let's get them to the Church Hall. Follow me to the Church Hall, men!
I must get their attention. Help me up.
Right, Sergeant, leave it to me. I'll take charge.
All right, men! QUIET, PLEASE !
PAY ATTENTION !
I'm sure the Sergeant is doing his best...
but times like these call for an experienced man.
We must stand firm... That's right.
We fought the fuzzy-wuzzies firmly standing.
Even now, Nazi paratroopers are clambering into their planes.
We haven't a moment to lose!
As an experienced officer, I am taking charge. Are you behind me?
ALL : Yes!
Times of crisis always bring out natural leaders, Wilson. Really?
Back up!
BACK UP ! Wilson, tell them to back up!
Would you mind backing up, please? It's so hot and uncomfortable.
Follow me, men!
Morning.
Excuse me, padre. Interested in buying petrol coupons?
BUYING? A bob each.
Special for you, ten bob a dozen, or...
What's going on up there?
I have no idea.
Where there's crowds, there's business.
See you later.
Pike! Tell the men to wait here.
That's the vicar's office.
This is a National Emergency!
You've shut me out! Oh, come in, Mr Jones. Certainly, sir.
Stand there and keep quiet. Right.
Is this wise? You have no authority... SOMEBODY has to take charge!
Who better than me? I'm the bank manager!
AND I was a Captain in France in 1919.
The war ended in 1918 !
I am an experienced officer!
All right?
You will be my second-in-command... as a Sergeant. Oh, thank you (!)
Permission to speak, sir.
I volunteer to be third-in-command.
Mr Jones, much as I appreciate your enthusiasm and military experience,
I feel that you're a little...old.
Oh, Mr Mainwaring... there's a pound of sausages...
Oh! Thank you! On the other hand...
old soldiers never die!
I think he's up to it, don't you?
Well, I... Oh, Mr Wilson, I nearly forgot you. Oh, thank you, Jonesey.
I think he's DEFINITELY up to it!
You won't regret this...even though
the eyes aren't too good.
I can give them the old cold steel,
and they just do NOT like it... No, no, no, I'm sure they don't.
Now let's get on. We shall need some forms to enrol the men.
It's chaos!
Here we are. Use those. Right.
These are for church use. We must improvise!
Right.
Gather round! I've a few scarcities here. Very rare...
Knicker elastic, sixpence a yard.
It's a penny in the shops.
You can't GET it in the shops.
Get the first man in, Wilson. Right, sir. Thank you, Mr Jones.
Er...would you mind stepping this way... Wilson!
Yes? I intend to mould those men into a fighting force.
I won't get far if you invite them
to "step this way".
Make it an order! Right.
Would you step this way, PLEASE !
Hang on!
Morning, gents.
Take down the details, Wilson.
Shall I REALLY use these forms? Get on with it! If you insist...
Name? Joe Walker. Baritone or soprano?
Baritone. Sound in the canticles?
If I wasn't, I'd be a soprano!
Oh, put their names down on this! Right.
You must be due for call-up. No, I'm in a reserved occupation.
Really? I'm a supplier... essential supplies.
Any military experience?
A girlfriend in the Salvation Army.
She carried the banner... All right. Just sign.
Sign what? It's for enrolment in the Local Defence Volunteers.
Do you realise the Nazis are poised ready to invade at any minute?
They're breathing down our necks...
Well? Are you with us or not?
Yeah. By the way, if you need any
silk stockings for the missis... No.
Girlfriend?
How dare you! I haven't got a girlfriend.
I'll fix that for you... I said NO!
All right, Walker. Stand up, please.
Just, er...quick march. Left, right! Left, right!
Left, right! What's your game?
Like the officer said... there's a war on.
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
Wilson. Yes? Find something for Jones to do.
Leave it to me. Jones? Sir!
Would you mind going outside and lining the men up...and...
doing things with them? Yes, sir! Right turn! Quick march!
Left, right! Left, right! Left...
SLAM !
(Left, right! Left, right!)
We picked the right one there. We certainly picked a right one (!)
What on EARTH is going on here?
We couldn't all get in the police station.
You can't fight in that collar. How about this? 2/6d.
Who's responsible?
Yon bank manager.
That's MY office!
Will the next gentleman...Oh! Do come in.
Name, please.
H-hello, vicar. Do you mind if we use your office?
You might have asked permission! You weren't here.
This IS a National Emergency. Well, really!
Who's in charge? I am. Why?
Your men in the hall? Yes.
Shift 'em! Who do you think you are?
Chief Air Raid Warden. Shift them! I'm using that hall for a lecture.
So get them out!
Awfully rough, isn't he?
What now? We only enrolled ONE! Dispense with formalities. Get the men in here.
Right, sir.
Would you mind coming in? Quick as you can!
There's good fellows... That's no good!
In here! All of you! At the double! That's the way to do it, Wilson.
Thank you, men, for answering your country's call.
We are here
because we share one common desire:
a determination to defend our homes, our wives...
against a brutal enemy.
GENERAL AGREEMENT.
I know you won't shrink from this,
however unpleasant.
Do you mind turning away? I didn't ASK to be squashed...
Oh, get on with it!
Now we've no arms...we're naked.
But we have one invaluable weapon in our armoury...ingenuity and improvisation.
That's two!
I want you to go home and get hold of as many weapons as you can.
Be back here at 6 o'clock.
That's, er...twelve hundred hours.
No, thirteen...
Eighteen hundred hours. Yes, Wilson, I know the time!
So, from tonight on,
whatever the odds...we're going to
look the enemy in the face and say:
"Come on, Jerry. We're ready for you!"
Gentlemen...
It is only a question of time until the Allied armies are crushed.
Our next object will be the invasion of England.
The Fuhrer has ordered a plan to be drawn up.
It will be called Operation Sea-Lion.
Everything must be worked out to the last detail.
Do not underestimate the British.
They have one thing in common with us.
They are great organisers.
Squad...Squad, attention!
Platoon ready for inspection, sir. Thank you.
Good turn-out! Very smart, Jones!
Sir! That's a vicious weapon.
It's a fuzzy-wuzzy spear. Soon get the Jerries on the run!
They don't like it up 'em... Quite so.
Ah, your old uniform! And I'll keep my lance-corporal stripe, if I can.
Well... And I've brought a little pound of steak, sir.
Yes, well, we shall need NCOs, shan't we, Sergeant?
Oh, yes, sir.
What's that? You said we could tie a carving knife to a broom handle.
I didn't mean leave the broom on the end!
You should have said! And no insubordination! Take his name!
Name? Really, Uncle Arthur! You KNOW my name.
Why does he call you "Uncle"?
I've known his mother for years... she's a widow.
She has my ration book. I go round for meals and that sort of thing.
What sort of thing? Well...er...
That's a formidable weapon! It's not just a weapon...
I've a wee job to do...after dark.
He bashes AND buries them!
He's the undertaker. Funeral director.
Any army experience? None at all.
I thought not. Once a soldier, always a soldier. Right, sir.
I'm a sailor. Chief Petty Officer. Royal Navy 1914 - 1918.
What's the matter? Nothing. I just usually see people lying down.
You shouldn't have dressed. I'm off somewhere later. Will you be long?
That rather depends on Hitler!
We'll try not to upset your
social life. Name? Charles Godfrey.
What do you do? I'm retired, but I was 35 years in the Army and Navy.
How did you serve in both branches? In Gents' Outfitting. What?
Army and Navy Stores. Uniforms.
Well, I've no doubt your specialist knowledge will be of great help.
Awfully good, sir, yes.
Where did you get that gun? It's mine!
(He's got a gun.) (I can see that.)
(I'm the officer.) (Of course.)
(I should have that.) (Of course you should.)
I should have that gun.
Hand it over! I'm damned if I will!
Were you in the Army? Yes. Then you should obey a superior officer.
What's your name? General Wilkinson.
Ah!
(Bit of a trouble-maker. Get rid of him.) (Right)
(I'll do my best.) Stand at ease!
Splendid turn-out, men! Splendid!
If, after a few hours, we can reach this formidable fighting potential,
think what we shall be like after training!
Now...we must first memorise the stretch of coastline we shall be defending.
Arthur!
Have you the map, Wilson? Yes.
The A.A. book was the best thing I found.
We'll have to make do with it. Yes.
(Arthur!)
Would you excuse me a moment, sir? I won't be long.
Mavis! Why are you here? Why didn't you and Frank come home for tea?
Everything's got a bit out of hand. I've come to take Frank home.
Please, Mavis, you'll show me up! Don't be silly, Arthur! Mavis...
Frank, where have you been? Come home at once!
Not now, Mum! We're learning how to be soldiers.
You'll have to learn some other time! Put your mac on. It's pouring.
Will you be round later, Arthur, for your usual?
Really, Mavis!
Well, will you or won't you?
Are you going to be long, sir?
Come on.
Right! Turn to the South Coast.
Godfrey, would you mind, please?
Hold it up! Right.
Like this, look. Right.
Now, here's the South Coast. And here is...Wilson. Hmm?
Your thumb's over Walmington-on-Sea. Sorry.
Here is...oh, do keep it still !
Mr Mainwaring, where IS Walmington?
If you can't see, come in closer.
Now pay attention!
Here... is the South Coast of England.
500 invasion barges will cross here,
taking with them the 5th, 7th, 8th and 10th Panzer Divisions.
And here another 500 invasion barges with 4 divisions of SS troops.
This whole section will be covered by 1,500 dive-bombers.
The enemy will probably make his first attack...here.
It would be foolish to dissipate our forces along the promenade.
Half the platoon will be in the Novelty Rock Emporium,
the rest in the Amusement Arcade on bicycles.
All commanders will be in touch by radio.
We'll be in touch by Boy-Scout runners.
We shall hold 12 divisions and 2,000 aircraft in reserve here.
Message from the Fuhrer.
Bring the invasion plans to Headquarters.
A message from your wife, sir. Bring back a pound of sprouts.
CHICKENS SQUAWKING
Fall in! Leave those fowl alone! Come on, now, fall in!
Section One, here's your patrol instructions for the night.
Fraser, and Private Pike, patrol the river-bank. Yes, Mr Jones.
Private Godfrey, patrol the woods.
What did you say?
Downside Woods! I want you to patrol them! Yes.
Right, Private Walker patrol Jubilee Gardens and prevent enemy aircraft from landing.
But I've got a date!
You must do your duty! She'll wait!
Yes, but I can't.
Now, where was I? Private Hastings, patrol from the Pier to the Bandstand.
Take care of enemy submarines.
I'll check the Gas Company for saboteurs. Do you think they'll cut the gas off?
Mr Jones... What? Could I have the spear tonight?
Give it to them, they're looking for submarines!
Silence in the ranks! It's MY spear.
If anyone approaches, shout: "Halt! Who goes there?"
If it's an enemy submarine, you'll have to shout a bit loud.
It's awkward in the woods. There are no conveniences.
- There's plenty of trees! - I don't quite like that.
If you have to go, recite a poem... it'll take your mind off it.
That's a good idea!
Now, to your posts! Patrol dis...missed!
Listen, son. How'd you like to do me a favour?
I don't know what you mean, Mr Walker.
< Pssst!
All clear?
Are you going to be long, Mr Walker?
But my mum's very ill!
< Come on, Joe!
That's her now, calling me.
She doesn't sound very ill.
< JOE!
Coming, Mum!
< FOOTSTEPS
Halt! Who goes there?
Halt, or I fire!
Friend or foe?
< Friend! Advance, and be recognised.
Can I see your identity card? Yes.
I can't see...have you got a torch?
I've got a match.
Hold that a minute, will you?
Right, sir!
Thanks...goodnight. Goodnight.
Oh!
Oy, Fred! I'll send the boy round with the meat tomorrow. All right?
< All right!
'The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea,'
'In a beautiful pea-green boat.'
'They took some honey, and lots of...'
'Oh, dear!'
Squad...'ten-shun!
Try and get it right, Jonesey.
Thank you, Sergeant. Stand at...ease!
Stand easy.
I've got good news. Our rifles have come?
No, but the ammunition has. And our first consignment of uniforms has arrived.
Dish them out, Sergeant. Right, sir.
On the RIGHT arm.
As soon as you're dressed, gather round this table.
Come on.
Sit down on the floor.
Now...it's on the cards that Adolf will kick off, and the church-bells signal an invasion
BEFORE we are issued with rifles.
In that case, our main armament will be petrol-bombs.
The petrol-bomb is made like this:
one lemonade bottle...
one...wick....
petrol, and...
a box of matches.
You tackle a Nazi tank as follows:
Bomber Number One prises the turret-lid off with a crowbar.
Bomber Number Two... lights the wick.
And Bomber Number Three drops the bomb...into the tank.
Any questions?
Yeah...while we're doing all this, what's the tank going to be doing?
Come on, hurry up!
Think he'll be upset?
He'll have to put up with it.
Yes?
Bells.
What?
We've come for the bells.
Oh yes, for war weapons.
Guns before campanology!
What?
It's a hobby of mine... bell-ringing.
I had no idea.
Come this way.
Did you have to bring that beastly thing across my lawn?
Good attendances lately, vicar?
What?
People pray more in wartime, don't they?
How will I manage without my bells?
We'll leave one, that's all you need.
Small mercies!
Let's have a look, then.
It's sad to think they'll never ring again!
I must hear them just once more!
CLANG!
That's the last of the petrol, sir.
How many have we made? Two dozen, sir. Right, men!
Now these petrol-bombs are our main armament.
They're deadly up to 25 yards.
Oh, bliss!
BELL CLANGS
Sir! Don't interrupt!
The bells are going!
BELL CLANGS
He's right!
Don't panic! Don't panic! Jones! Be quiet!
BELL CLANGS
This is it, men.
Listen carefully. Jerry could be here any minute.
We haven't got enough fire-power to stop him landing.
We'll have to slow him up, so that we can get to grips hand-to-hand.
We'll have to throw a barricade across the main road.
My van's outside. We can go in that.
Good idea! Come on, lads. Don't forget your gas-masks!
(Wilson...get the gun.)
Back the van up, Jones.
Let them get out first!
Give Godfrey a hand!
Right, take it away, Jones!
Don't just stand there, Wilson. Get the barricade built!
What with? Furniture from the houses.
We can't do that! Yes we can!
You do one side, I'll do the other.
Right, would you mind coming over here?
Walker, what are you doing? Making myself smart for the Germans.
Pick up those bombs! Take up your positions, men!
Thank you, Godfrey. We have enough now.
Right, men! Into your positions!
Wilson. Yes, sir?
There are five cartridges left.
If anything happens to me, take over the shotgun. Right, sir.
And if anything happens to you, hand it to the man next to you.
Right?
DISTANT GUNFIRE
Excuse me, sir.
They're coming from behind! What?
GUNFIRE
So they are! A typical, shabby, Nazi trick.
We'll show them! Round the other side!
GUNFIRE CONTINUES
Don't fire till I give the order.
GUNFIRE
Steady, men.
GUNFIRE
CLANG AND GUNFIRE Steady!
That lorry doesn't look German to me!
You never know, Wilson.
GUNFIRE
Who are you?
Bert King. Why?
Didn't you hear the invasion signal?
That was only the vicar, having a last pull at his bells.
What are you doing? Have you gone raving mad?
We thought the Nazis were coming. Rubbish!
That's enough of that!
Who do you think you are?
Local Defence Volunteers. I'm the Commander.
And keep your hands off my privates.
'This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the news.
'At 2.23 pm, the Admiralty, in agreement with the French,
'announced that Operation Dynamo was complete.
'A total of 338,226 British
and Allied troops have been
successfully evacuated from Dunkirk.
'The last of the armada of little ships is now safely in harbour.
'Forty French and Belgian vessels also participated.
'Before midnight,
the British rear-guard was embarked.
'Summing up the situation in the House of Commons, the Prime Minister stated:
'We must not assign to this deliverance, attributes of victory.
'Wars are not won by evacuation.'
Raymond! Raymond!
Take this round to Mrs Pike. Then can I go home? Go home?
Don't be so childish! Next, please.
Here you are, Mr Jones. You ain't got much on this.
You shouldn't have had that joint.
You know my husband. He will insist
on his bit of brisket.
How much have I got? 2/2d. I'll have some chops, then.
You can only have 1/8d worth of fresh meat.
You'll have to have corned beef.
All right. There you are.
Want a sausage? Ooh, yes please.
Good news about Dunkirk. Yes. Got most of our boys out. Yes.
It was a glorious achievement.
Great British improvisation! Pity they couldn't improvise keeping them there.
We don't want THAT sort of talk.
Can I see you a minute, Mr Fraser?
What do you want?
I've come to do you a favour.
Solid brass coffin handles. Can't be got for love nor money.
These aren't brass! They're cheap rubbish!
Underground, they'd rust through.
Who'll know the difference?
I'll take a dozen.
AIR RAID SIREN
Make it TWO dozen.
AIRCRAFT ENGINES
Look! Look! Like little bees, aren't they?
What are you gawping at? Take cover!
There go our brave boys! Well done!
Give them hell !
They're not ours. They're Nazis.
Rotten swines!
Pike, get on with your work.
# ...don't know when,
# But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day.
# Keep smiling through...#
Thank you. No, no, that's enough. Thank you, Mavis.
Don't...that's Uncle Arthur's ration.
Sorry, Mum.
You on patrol tonight, Arthur? I'm afraid I am, Mavis.
Stay here the night. It'll be too late to go home. Don't fuss!
I don't want you catching cold.
I'll make you a bed like last night,
on the settee.
Uncle Arthur's a very light sleeper.
Why?
His bed hardly looked slept in.
WILSON CHOKES
Eat your tea, Frank.
No sign of them yet, sir.
You're hardly likely to spot them through those things, Godfrey.
I don't expect they'll come now. It's getting dark.
It's Red Indians who don't attack
at night. Nazis will come anytime.
You can't trust them.
All right, Godfrey. Keep your eyes skinned. Yes, sir.
Beautiful sunset, sir.
It's a beautiful LAND, Wilson.
They're not going to get their hands on it, you know.
We shall keep firing till we've got
only one round each.
We shall save that for ourselves.
How much ammunition HAVE we got?
One round each, sir.
Splendid turn-out! To look at us, no-one would think we'd only been formed a few weeks!
We've each got an arm-band... all we have to do now is improvise some weapons.
This way, if you please, sir.
Permission to demonstrate my anti-dive-bomber gun, sir?
Carry on, Jones. There's six drain-pipes tied together and mounted on a pram for mobility.
The gunpowder consists of eight ounces of weed-killer, a pound of sugar,
and bicarbonate of soda.
Show us how it works. Yes, sir.
ENEMY DIVE-BOMBER OVERHEAD!
FIRE!
Come on, Pike! The matches are damp!
Let's have a go.
Sorry, sir! Have you go a light?
Yes. Thank you.
No, no, no. I will do it.
Whaaaay! EXCELLENT, Jones!
Excellent!
Straight as a die! I shouldn't like to be on the receiving end of that!
Look out!
In here!
Quickly! Get hold of this!
Are you all right, sir?
Jones...I don't think you should have added bicarbonate of soda.
Well done, men! Keep it up!
In future, instead of Local Defence Volunteers, we shall be called the Home Guard.
Jerry will never catch US with our trousers down.
Permission to demonstrate my bullet-proof tank?
Who's inside? Private Walker, sir.
Observe how bullet-proof it is.
Not much will get through that.
Notice the periscope, coming out through the plug-hole.
A clarified view all round!
What's its fire-power?
Ohhhh, very formidable, sir!
Joe! Yeah?
Show us how deadly it is! Stick your weapon through the over-flow.
I'm not a contortionist! Have a go, boy!
Come on, Joe!
Doesn't seem very mobile to me.
Just you watch this, sir!
Stand by! I'll give you a shove.
Quick!
Quick, Walker! Put the plug in!
What?
Never mind!
Very smart, men! Very smart!
We're ready for anything Jerry can dish out.
Very interesting. Tell me about it.
Well... Permission to demonstrate my anti-vehicle device?!
Captain Mainwaring! >
See what they want, Corporal. Yes, sir. Go on!
Explain how this works. Right, sir.
An enemy vehicle approaches... Mmm.
You pull the chain...
Oil pours all over the road...
and their wheels can't get a grip, sir.
It's a bit leaky, isn't it?
Just a wee drop, won't hurt anybody.
Staff car coming, sir!
That must be General Fuller, here to inspect this...new weapon.
Excellent! We can show him how well we can improvise.
Come on, Jones! Sir!
Hurry up! Come on, Jonesey!
Stop it, somebody! Turn it off! You idiot!
You've made a shambles of the demonstration!
Get out of it, you silly old...!
CAR HORN BLARES
Oh, dear!
Good Lord! It's that damn bank clerk.
< Platoon, HALT.
Present and correct, sir. Thank you.
Congratulations to Jones on turning his van into an armoured car.
Next weekend we, and the other Home Guard units, are taking part in large scale manoeuvres.
With our new and powerful weapon we shall take a prominent part. Carry on, Sergeant.
Armoured Car Section, fall in! WHISTLE
Embark!
One, two, three...One, two, three... Left, right! Left, right...!
Right...
Enemy on the left, range 100 yards,
5 rounds, rapid FIRE!
Open, two, three... Left, two, three... Bang, two, three...
In, two, three...Close, two, three..
Enemy dive bomber overhead!
Five rounds rapid FIRE.
Up, two, three... Bang, two, three...
Disembark!
Left, right! Left, right...!
One, two, three...One, two, three...
Excellent.
We shall certainly have the edge over the other units.
By the way, Jones, I'm going to have your van converted into gas.
Gas? Yes, it saves petrol.
It should be ready for the manoeuvres.
When I was in the Sudan...
Not again!
Sergeant!
Yes, sir.
How much further is it to the camp?
About ten miles.
What time is it?
12 o'clock. Oh, good. Time for lunch.
...We were surrounded by hundreds of fuzzy-wuzzies and we run out of ammo...
So, all we could do was fix bayonets...
Then we let 'em have it right up 'em. The fuzzy-wuzzies don't like it up 'em.
Look, Wilson, a Stuka. Where? There.
Are you sure? Yes, carry out the drill.
WHISTLE
Don't panic!
WHISTLE
Up!
POP
It was one of ours. I could have sworn it was a Stuka with those swept-back wings.
No, a Stuka's wings don't sweep back... Look at that!
HISSING
What are you laughing at? As the van runs on gas, perhaps we should have changed the drill.
BUGLE CALL
Major General Fuller will be inspecting the camp in an hour.
Hurry up, you lot! He wants to see a full kit lay-out.
Mainwaring's platoon's five hours late!
Jones, you shouldn't have had your bayonet on your rifle. How do we get the van to go now?
Let's dump it and march.
You will NOT dump my van!
I ain't arf hungry. Be quiet!
Can you help us? You don't want me...
You want the Gas Company(!)
Very smart indeed, men.
As you know, equipment is in short supply. So take care of it.
WHISTLE
Alright, Jones, STOP! We're here.
Jones, the van's broken away!
I can't stop it. I've tried everything.
STOP IT !
STOP IT!
What are you doing?
It's that damn bank clerk!
Spin it round.
Don't panic! Don't panic, sir... Be quiet!
WHISTLE
I'm SO sorry, but I'm afraid we've ruined your tents.
That's all right, sergeant, you were the ones due to sleep in them.
Wilson? Yes, sir. What are you doing?
I've just had a LOVELY breakfast. Why didn't you call me? You looked so peaceful.
What time is it? 20 to 9, sir. WHAT?
CORPORAL JONES.
What ARE you doing?
Wake the men up! It's 20 to 9. Don't panic!
It's 20 to 9.
Get ready for breakfast. We're late.
Get your mess-tins and line up.
Good morning, sir. Good morning, sergeant.
Where are you going? To breakfast. That was finished ½-an-hour ago.
We've already missed two meals.
We haven't eaten for 24 hours. Breakfast finishes at 8.15 and your men are on parade in 10 minutes.
The General's giving us all an outline for the day's manoeuvres.
This morning we shall be against a formidable enemy... a detachment of Royal Marines.
This is the plan of campaign...
(I'm starving and stuck here at the back. It's all Mainwaring's fault. He's made a mess of things.)
(It's really fortunes of war.) (Rubbish!)
...will attempt to get behind the enemy and attack from the rear.
In order to do this they will have to cross the river by the pontoon bridge.
That bridge will be guarded
by the Walmington-on-Sea platoon.
(That's us. It must be!)
You will be up against regular troops...
(I'm hungry.)
(And me!)
(Suck your thumb.)
...but I'm sure that you will prove that the Home Guard can take anything that's dished out to them.
So, good luck and give them hell.
PARADE, ATTENTION.
DISMISSED.
< THEY'RE COMING, SARGE.
Come on, boys.
Break step.
HALT.
Jones, you and your section stay on the bridge. The rest, FOLLOW ME!
Hey, that shouldn't be dangling.
What shouldn't? That rope!
Blimey! It's been cut. This should be holding the bridge together.
Come on, move yourselves. Don't panic.
Right, keep it tight.
Keep it tight.
There's no sign of the enemy. If you see anything, Godfrey, call me.
Take the strain.
Right. Right. Right.
Where's Captain Mainwaring? On the other bank. Who are you?
Corporal Jones, sir. Don't you salute officers? Yes, sir.
I can't now, sir... SALUTE, MAN !
Sir, the General's horse is down the river.
Have you told the General? I think he knows. He's sitting on it!
We'll think of something. Come on.
DON'T WAVE YOUR ARMS ABOUT, YOU'LL FRIGHTEN THE HORSE!
TELEPHONE HQ FOR HELP!
There aren't any telephones. SEND A RUNNER, YOU IDIOT! V-very good, sir.
Couldn't you swim? I'M NOT AN ADMIRAL!
We'll think of something. RUN FASTER!
Yes, sir.
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, NOD YOUR HEAD.
Did he nod his head, Wilson? I wasn't really watching, sir.
Pay attention. Yes, sir.
Did you nod? GET ON WITH IT!
When you get underneath us, raise your arms.
We're going to lean over and pull you off. Have you got that? WHAT?
I said...
WHEN...YOU...GET...UNDERNEATH..., RAISE...YOUR...ARMS...
WE'LL LEAN OVER AND PULL... GET ON WITH IT, IDIOT!
Corporal Jones. Sir! Over the other
side in case we miss him.
Over the side, Private Leslie. Not me!
This had better work, Mainwaring.
When I give the word...grab!
NOW!
Get him out of my way.
Can I help you, sir? Get off me!
Are you all right, sir? YOU BLOODY FOOL!
< Help! Help!
I missed him.
Quick, after him. Help!
Help! Help!
Look, sir, a boat.
Frazer and Wilson, in the boat.
I'd rather stay on the bank with them, sir. Do as I say.
Off you go.
Take an oar each. I'll take charge.
Why you? I was in the navy.
Nice horse, nice horse.
Don't move.
Hold on, Jones, we're coming. I am holding on!
We'll never get through that.
We must go along the bank.
Take your shoes off then!
Wilson, secure the boat. Aye, aye, sir.
OK, Jonesy, you'll soon be off.
Hang on.
Jonesy, the branch! Grab it!
Try and stop us.
I'll catch you up later, sir. Yes, further down the bank. Coming along now, sir.
We seem to have come to a halt.
I shall have to swim across and get help.
If anything goes wrong, which it shouldn't,
you can rely on me to make all the necessary arrangements.
Good luck, sir.
Thank you, Frazer.
Well, Mainwaring, it's not a pretty picture, is it? No, sir. Let's examine your record.
You arrive late, ruin 100 sets of equipment,
a dozen tents, a bridge, and nearly drown a horse. Not to mention me!
AND you wouldn't cash my cheque. I didn't know you then, sir.
You bloody well do now.
You know, Mainwaring, badly led troops become a disorganised rabble.
So, in the light of this weekend, I must reconsider your future as Commanding Officer of your platoon.
That's all.
Did you have a nice chat with the General? Just the usual red tape nonsense.
I wouldn't take it too much
to heart, you were a victim
of circumstance...most of the time!
AIR RAID SIREN BLARES
They're a bit early. How far from home are we, Joe?
About four miles.
Mum doesn't like me being away from home during a raid.
I can hear a plane already.
GUNFIRE
Ready to go home.
Good.
BANG
'We are hit!'
Herr General, the plane has been hit!
I'll speak to them myself.
Calling S for Schultz, get those photographs back HERE. Understand?
I must have them at all costs!
Bail out! Bail out!
Platoon, halt!
CAR APPROACHING
TAPPED GLASS
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This meeting tonight is to discuss our forthcoming "War Weapons Week".
I shall call on His Worship the Mayor to open the meeting.
Thank you!
Mr Chairman, Councillor Mrs Haines, and Mr Town Clerk...
Ladies and gentlemen, at this moment our gallant airmen are locked in mortal combat with the Luftwaffe.
HIS VOICE IS HEARD FAINTLY
Our plan WAS to buy a Spitfire, but raising the money for a whole one is no easy task.
Walmington-On-Sea will buy one half, and Eastgate the other half.
Let us not be backward in giving generously...
HALT!
All of you, stay where you are!
You stay here and cover!
All right, nothing will happen.
All of you, move against that wall, and raise your hands. Quickly!
Come on! Move! Fast!
Keep your hands up! Move!
Move!
< Keep against the wall.
You as well. Quick!
< Keep still !
< Keep your hands up!
< Don't anyone move!
Hello! Is the lock stuck again?
It's full of Germans!
Use the one in the vicarage.
Where's a phone-box?
You can't do that!
What're you talking about? Full of Germans?
Oh!
In!
Thank you, driver.
Right! Come on! Get down, all of you.
Quick as you can. Don't forget your rifles.
Wilson. Yes? Give the driver something.
Stand over there with the others.
PIKE: It don't 'alf pong in here, Uncle Arthur. Mum'll be furious!
FRAZER: Trust Mainwaring to sit away from the rubbish!
KNOCKING AT DOOR
You must go to the door and send him away.
Franz, go with him.
Evening, vicar. You can't come in.
This is my HQ! That doesn't matter.
What's the matter? Nothing. Come back later...when I'm ALONE.
I don't understand. It's a special meeting of the Mothers' Club.
They won't mind me. They WILL! You're not in the club.
How dare you!
You all right, sir? No.
It's the vicar. He won't let me in.
It's peculiar...he winked and asked me to come back later. Will you?
SILENCE!
This is preposterous!
SHUT UP!
GUNSHOT
Quick! Take cover!
(Permission to speak, sir? I heard a shot.)
Somebody's got a gun. It can't be the Mothers' Club.
Call for help! Don't shove! The vicar's firing at us.
It's not the vicar, it's Germans. GERMANS! (Don't panic!) Jones!
Quiet!
Go outside and tell your friends we want a boat.
If we don't get it, we shoot these, one by one.
Starting with the pastor. Out!
Come on!
What's happening?
How did you get here? I telephoned!
I can hear the verger!
It's me! Mr Hodges!
What's going on?
They want a boat.
Across my dead body!
It'll be the mayor's dead body.
This needs careful handling.
We're not handling anything. This needs the regular army. But...
Move! You're taking a high-handed attitude.
Clear off!
Follow me.
Now, this needs careful handling.
If we open fire, those people might get hit.
Do you think he meant me when he said "old men", Wilson?
WE could have handled this!
What would you have done?
I'd have got into that hall, somehow.
(Permission to whisper, sir?)
(Let's creep into the crypt under the crib.)
Come on!
Lieutenant Short, Royal Navy. This needs careful handling.
I've sent for the Marines.
PIKE : Uncle Arthur? What is it?
This reminds me of 'Dracula'.
They crept into a place like this, lifted a lid off one of the coffins and drove a stake in.
It ain't 'alf creepy. Just don't lift any lids! Quiet!
Come on!
Captain Crisp, Royal Marines. This needs careful handling.
I've sent for the police.
If I'm not back soon, the vicar will be upset.
- Why? -They'll shoot him.
- The time is over. - Give them two more minutes.
Come on!
I'm Inspector Hardcastle. This needs careful handling.
I've sent for the Fire Brigade.
And we'd better send for an ambulance.
FROM OUTSIDE #...all creatures great and small.
# All things bright and wonderful,
# The Lord God made them all.
# All things...
DOOR OPENS
#...bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small.
# All things bright and wonderful, The Lord God made them all.
# Raise a stand behind him,
# And I will get his gun.
# And I will take my bayonet,
# And stick it up his...
HALT!
(They've rumbled us.)
What is this? This!
If you don't put it down, I vill shoot you. And I will do the same.
I give you one last warning. And I give you one last warning.
One!
Two!
Three!
There are seven men to take my place.
APPLAUSE
What's happening? Come on, we're going in.
Do you think that's wise, sir?
Well, I'm damned!
MUSIC: "A Nightingale sung in Berkeley Square."
We showed 'em. We certainly did, Jones.
It's empty!
Morning, Mr Mainwaring. Morning, Walker.
Good morning. Morning, Miss King.
Did you know that German's gun was empty? So was mine!
The sea's getting rough.
They'll never cross the Channel.
We should be safe to the spring. Can we have the weekend off, sir? What?! This is war, Wilson!
It doesn't just finish on Friday and start again on Monday.
Who says they'll come by sea? They could be tunnelling under us.
That's absurd!
I heard a scratching last night. It could have been a Nazi.
There'll be no weekends off.
We'll be ready for them...
spring, summer, autumn or winter.
Over the sea, or out of the sky...
Or up between our legs. Or up...
We'll be ready for them... Sir...! Yes.
I think I can hear burrowing. Don't be absurd.
'Ang on. I can hear something.
We'd better make sure. Put your ear to the ground.
That's impossible. Do as you're told.
Can you hear anything? I can't make it out, sir.
I can hear something...
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #