1 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,040 This film contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature. 2 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,400 # They're writing songs of love 3 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,680 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 4 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,680 # But not for me 5 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,520 # A lucky star's above 6 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,720 # But not for me 7 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,000 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 8 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:08,360 # With love to lead the way 9 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,560 # I've found more clouds are grey 10 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:19,280 # Than any Russian play could guarantee 11 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,080 # I was a fool to fall 12 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,800 # And get that way 13 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:35,680 # Heigh-ho, alas, and also lack-a-day 14 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,800 # Although I can't dismiss 15 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:45,960 # The memory of her kiss 16 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:52,200 # I guess she's not for me. # 17 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,520 Good morning, Mrs Statons. Good morning, madam. 18 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,800 Thank you. 19 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,880 Late! Late! 20 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,120 At last. Hello! 21 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:27,600 # It all began so well 22 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,320 # But what an end 23 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960 # This is the time 24 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:39,400 # A fellow needs a friend 25 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,360 # When every happy plot 26 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:50,120 # Ends with a marriage knot 27 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:55,640 # And there's no knot 28 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,040 # For me. # 29 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,760 Oh, fuck! Fuck! 30 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,000 SHE GROANS 31 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,320 Fuck! 32 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,600 Oh, fuck! 33 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,920 ENGINE STALLS 34 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,400 Fuck. Right. We'll take yours. 35 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,080 It only goes 40mph. 36 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,360 ENGINE REVS LOUDLY 37 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,880 What turn-off? Um... 38 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,800 Better not be the B359. 39 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,360 It's the B359. 40 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,720 Fuck it! 41 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,720 TYRES SCREECH 42 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,600 Fuck! 43 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,600 TYRES SCREECH 44 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,760 TRUCK HORN BLARES 45 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,760 Fuck. 46 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,640 CHURCH BELLS TOLL 47 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,000 TYRES SCREECH 48 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,720 Come on. 49 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,160 Fuck! 50 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,000 Fuck! 51 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,800 Fuck. Fuckity-fuck! 52 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,680 Bugger. 53 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,120 SHE LAUGHS 54 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,280 You look so beautiful in white. 55 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,760 Is it twisted? 56 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,560 Hello! You look lovely. 57 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,120 Hello, Charles! 58 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,320 INDISTINCT CHATTER 59 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,800 There's a sort of greatness to your lateness. 60 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,760 Thanks. It's not achieved without real suffering. 61 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,440 I am so, so sorry, Angus. Inexcusable. 62 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,240 I mean, I'll be killing myself after the service, 63 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,080 if that's any consolation. Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by. 64 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,600 Thanks, Tom. You're a saint. 65 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,280 And...disastrous haircut. 66 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:23,640 WHISPERING: Sorry. 67 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,720 As long as you haven't forgotten the rings. 68 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:28,920 No. 69 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,720 INDISTINCT CHATTER 70 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,560 Hate people being late. 71 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,560 HE EXCLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY 72 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,640 BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS 73 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,120 Here we go. 74 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,520 Oh, isn't she lovely? 75 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,080 Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue. 76 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:37,520 Dear friends, 77 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,680 what a joy it is to welcome you to our church 78 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,840 on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura. 79 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,840 Before we start the service, 80 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,640 let us all join together in the first hymn. 81 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,760 ORGAN PLAYS 82 00:06:55,560 --> 00:07:02,520 ALL: # And did those feet in ancient time 83 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,880 # Walk upon England's mountains green? 84 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,480 CHARLES MOUTHS 85 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:15,120 # And was the holy Lamb of God 86 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:22,000 # On England's pleasant pastures seen? 87 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:28,680 # And did the countenance divine 88 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,960 # Shine forth upon our clouded hills? 89 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,400 SINGING DROWNS SPEECH 90 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:42,360 # And was Jerusalem builded here 91 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:49,640 # Among those dark satanic mills? # 92 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,640 WHISPERS: Scarlett. 93 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,400 INAUDIBLE 94 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,200 Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here 95 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,360 in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation 96 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,560 to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. 97 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,400 Which is an honourable estate 98 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,040 instituted in the time of man's innocency. 99 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,760 Back in a sec. 100 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,960 Therefore, if any man can show any just cause or impediment 101 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,320 why they may not be lawfully joined together, 102 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,400 let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 103 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,240 Do you promise to love her, comfort her, 104 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,600 honour and keep her in sickness and in health, 105 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,600 and, forsaking all others, 106 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,440 keep thee only unto her for as long as ye both shall live? 107 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,920 I do. 108 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,720 LAURA: To love and to cherish. 109 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,040 VICAR: Till death us do part. 110 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,680 Till death us do part. 111 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,560 And thereto, I pledge thee my troth. 112 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,080 And thereto, I pledge thee my troth. 113 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,160 Do you have the ring? 114 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,160 RINGS CLINK 115 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,360 With this ring, I thee wed. 116 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,120 With this ring, I thee wed. 117 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,920 With my body, I thee worship. 118 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,920 With my body, I thee worship. 119 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,600 And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow. 120 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,600 And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow. 121 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,000 Hmm. 122 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,960 "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, 123 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,680 "but have not love, 124 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,640 "I am become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal." 125 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,280 Good point. 126 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:28,840 BOTH: # You know I can't smile without you 127 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,880 # I can't smile without you 128 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,600 # I can't laugh and I can't sing 129 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,000 # I'm findin' it hard to do anything 130 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,800 # You see, I feel sad when you're sad 131 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,840 # I feel sad 132 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,960 # I feel glad when you're glad 133 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,520 # If you only knew what I'm going through # 134 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,360 ORGAN PLAYS 135 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,440 CHARLES CHUCKLES BABY WAILS 136 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,600 BELLS TOLL 137 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,920 Great hat. 138 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,240 Thanks. I bought it specially. 139 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,520 Thank you, uh... 140 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:27,760 There. 141 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,640 INDISTINCT CHATTER 142 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,240 Get in your position, please. 143 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,760 Thank you. Smile. 144 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,080 Splendid, I thought. What did you think? 145 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,640 I thought, splendid. What did you think? 146 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,960 Splendid. I thought. 147 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,480 Scarlett, what a fabulous dress! 148 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,920 The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange 149 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,200 symbolising the magical symbiosis in marriage 150 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,160 between the heathen and Christian traditions? 151 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:57,440 That's right. 152 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,720 PHOTOGRAPHER: Lovely. And again. CAMERA CLICKS 153 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,120 Any idea who the girl in the black hat is? 154 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,560 FIONA: Name's Carrie. 155 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:07,720 She's pretty. 156 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,400 American. 157 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,680 Interesting. 158 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:11,840 Slut. 159 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,000 Really? 160 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,800 Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. 161 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,440 Only goes out with very glamorous people. 162 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,280 Quite out of your league. 163 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,840 Well, that's a relief. Thanks. 164 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,960 PEOPLE CHEER 165 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,960 See you there. 166 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,040 Bye. Off you go. Off you go. 167 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,080 Right. Reception. 168 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,520 WOMAN: Bye! Bye! 169 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,120 SCARLETT: Oh! 170 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,120 SHEEP BLEAT 171 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,960 Anyone else tread in a cowpat? 172 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,760 No. Thought not. 173 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,360 See you in a mo. 174 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,600 Do you think I'd hate him as 175 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,600 much if he wasn't my brother? 176 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,600 GARETH LAUGHS 177 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,200 Don't want to blow my chances for romance 178 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,240 by smelling of dung all the way through the reception. 179 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,600 SHEEP BLEAT, COWS MOO 180 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,040 FIONA: Oh, God. I never know what to say in these wretched line-ups. 181 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,040 GARETH: It's a cinch. Just give a big, warm hug 182 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,920 and say the bride looks pregnant. 183 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,600 MATTHEW: Or you could stick with tradition and go for, 184 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,920 "You must be very proud." 185 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,480 Heaven preserve us. 186 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,760 You must be very proud! Thank you. 187 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,400 Hello! Hello. 188 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,840 Hello. 189 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,960 WOMEN LAUGHING 190 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,120 Hi, we met at the Rowntree's. It's Richard, Richard Maples. 191 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,160 Oh, yes. 192 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,680 Bastard. 193 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,600 Hello, Paul. Hello, Chuck. 194 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,240 Two, please. RICHARD: It was so nice to see you. 195 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,760 You have fun, now. Take care. 196 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,160 Oh, hello! 197 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,200 Hi. 198 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,520 Uh, you want one of these? Oh, thank you. 199 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,720 Um, I... Hello, Charles. 200 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,720 Hello, dear John. How are you? How are you? 201 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,680 Good, good. This is, uh... 202 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:04,760 Carrie. Carrie. 203 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,840 Delighted. I'm John. Hi, John. 204 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,840 JOHN CHUCKLES 205 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,840 So, John, how's that gorgeous girlfriend of yours? 206 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,200 Oh, she's no longer my girlfriend. 207 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,440 Ah. Oh, dear. 208 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,760 Still, I wouldn't get too gloomy about it. 209 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,600 Rumour has it she never stopped bonking old Toby de Lisle, 210 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,920 just in case you didn't work out. 211 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,520 She's now my wife. 212 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,760 Excellent. Excellent. Congratulations. 213 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:25,920 Excuse me. 214 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,160 Any kids or anything, John? 215 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,720 Do we hear the patter of tiny...feet? 216 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,320 No. 217 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,600 Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there? 218 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,040 No hurry. 219 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,240 HE GRUNTS 220 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:50,800 Hi. How are you? 221 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,200 INDISTINCT CHATTER 222 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,560 Oh, my name's Fiona. 223 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,400 Um, I'm Gerald. 224 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,960 What do you do? 225 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,880 I'm training to be a priest. 226 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,240 Good Lord! 227 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,520 Do you do weddings? 228 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,560 No. No, not yet. I will, though, of course. 229 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,800 Jolly nerve-racking. 230 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,320 Yes, rather like the first time one has sex. 231 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,600 Um... 232 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,720 Well, I suppose so. 233 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,560 Though rather less messy, of course, and far less call for condoms. 234 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,840 HE GIGGLES 235 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,480 HE GIGGLES UNCOMFORTABLY 236 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,040 Who's that boy over there in the grey? 237 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,000 Uh, his name's David. 238 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,680 Something of a dish, isn't he? 239 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,000 Well, I've always thought so. 240 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,480 Why are they, uh... 241 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,640 Oh, the dish can't hear. Oh! 242 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,440 Gosh. 243 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,600 Yeah, silent, but deadly attractive. 244 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,640 GONG CLANGS 245 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,640 Dinner is served. 246 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,400 Bang, bang, bang. That's it. 247 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,040 Into the marquee, please, ladies and gentlemen. 248 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,280 Dinner is served. 249 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,720 How do you do? 250 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,160 Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you. 251 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,680 Very exciting. 252 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:41,920 Hi! 253 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,040 My name's Scarlett. Don't let me drink too much, 254 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,280 because I'll get really flirty. 255 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,600 How do you do? My name is Charles. 256 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,080 Don't be ridiculous! Charles died 20 years ago. 257 00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,720 Must be a different Charles, I think. 258 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,840 Are you telling me I don't know my own brother? 259 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:02,960 No, no. 260 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,400 HE TAPS GLASS 261 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,120 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to 262 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,840 drag you from your delicious desserts. 263 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,440 Uh, there are just one or two little things 264 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,760 I feel I should say as best man. 265 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,920 This is only the second time I've ever been a best man. 266 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,880 I hope I did the job all right that time. 267 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,320 The couple in question are at least still talking to me. 268 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,360 LAUGHTER 269 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,280 Unfortunately, they're not actually... 270 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,680 ..talking to each other. 271 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,840 The divorce came through a couple of months ago. 272 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,240 LAUGHTER 273 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,560 But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. 274 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,640 Apparently, Paula knew that Piers had slept with her younger sister 275 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:52,960 before I mentioned it in the speech. 276 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,760 ALL LAUGHING 277 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:59,640 The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise 278 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:03,120 but I think was incidental to the... 279 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,960 ..nightmare of recrimination and um... 280 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,640 ..violence that became their two-day marriage. 281 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,320 Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. 282 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,720 And there are no skeletons in his cupboard... 283 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,280 ..or so I thought. 284 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,280 GUEST EXCLAIM I'll come on to that in a minute. 285 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,000 I would just like to say this. 286 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,360 Um... 287 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,480 I am, as ever, 288 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,680 in...bewildered awe 289 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,040 of anyone who makes this kind of commitment 290 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,720 that Angus and Laura have made today. 291 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,520 I know I couldn't do it, and er... 292 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,120 ..I think it's wonderful they can. 293 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,080 So, anyway, back to Angus and those sheep. 294 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,480 GUESTS EXCLAIM 295 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,160 MAN BLEATS, APPLAUSE 296 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,560 So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses, 297 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,720 uh, the adorable couple. 298 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,120 MAN: Yes. 299 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,480 ALL: The adorable couple. The adorable couple. 300 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,840 THEY ALL CHEER 301 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,920 MAN: Give her one for me, Angus! 302 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,800 BAND PLAYS CROCODILE ROCK 303 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,360 # I remember when rock was young 304 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:27,360 # Me and Suzie had so much fun 305 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,440 # Holding hands and skimming stones 306 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,720 # Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own 307 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,280 # But the biggest kick I ever got 308 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,440 # Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock 309 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,440 # While the other kids were rockin' round the clock 310 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,760 # We were hoppin' and boppin' to the Crocodile Rock. # 311 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,920 # I just walked in to find you here 312 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,600 # With that sad look upon your face 313 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,400 # I should have changed my stupid lock 314 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,480 # I should have made you leave the key 315 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,600 # I should've known for just one second 316 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,360 # You'd be back to bother me. # 317 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,440 I remember the first time I saw Gareth on the dance floor, 318 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,760 I feared lives would be lost. 319 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,760 THEY LAUGH 320 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,440 She's a pretty girl. 321 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,760 The one you can't take your eyes off, is that love at first sight? 322 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,320 Oh, good Lord, no, no, it's the... 323 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,680 Just the bloke she's dancing with, 324 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,440 I used to play rugby with him at school, I'm just trying to 325 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,920 remember what position he played in, that's all. 326 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,560 Though, let's say one... 327 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,440 For the sake of argument, one did 328 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,560 take a fancy to someone at a wedding. 329 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,000 I mean, do you think there really 330 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,600 are people who can just go up and say, 331 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,240 "Hi, babe, name's Charles. This is your lucky night."? 332 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,120 Well, if there are, they're not English. 333 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,400 No, quite. 334 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,840 Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum. 335 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,000 TEARFULLY: You know I love you, Jean, don't you? 336 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,280 I love you. I love you! 337 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,480 And, Mike, 338 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:54,320 I've never met you before but I love you very much. I really do. 339 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,000 Ignore her, she's drunk. 340 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,720 At least, I hope she is. 341 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,760 Otherwise I'm in real trouble. 342 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,800 How's it going, Lyds? 343 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,040 Bloody awful. 344 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,040 Oh, dear, what's the prob? 345 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,760 I was promised sex - everybody said it - 346 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,240 "You be a bridesmaid, 347 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,560 "you'll get sex. You'll be fighting them off." 348 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,320 But not so much as a tongue in sight. 349 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,120 Well, I mean, if you fancy...anything, 350 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,760 I could always... 351 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,960 Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. 352 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,280 I'm not that desperate. 353 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,320 No. Right. Of course. Fair enough. 354 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,800 It's a good point. 355 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:41,280 THEY CHEER AND WHOOP 356 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,600 SHEEP BLEATS 357 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:55,880 Bye! 358 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,920 Bye! Have a lovely, lovely time! 359 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,040 Bye! 360 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,280 # I feel it in my fingers 361 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,440 # I feel it in my toes 362 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,040 # That love is all around me 363 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,240 # And so the feeling grows 364 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,760 # It's written on the wind 365 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,080 # It's everywhere I go. # 366 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,920 Where are you staying tonight, Charles? 367 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,400 Oh, Scarlett and I are at some pub. 368 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,840 The...Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all? 369 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,200 Ah, no. Slight change of plan. 370 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,280 The others are, in fact, coming back to my place. 371 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,680 Nansy's in residence. 372 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:46,880 Might knock us up a quick plate of 373 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,720 eggs and bac over a late-night Scrabble. 374 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,480 Wondered if you'd like to join. 375 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,880 Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks very much. 376 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,320 Is there room for Scarlett? 377 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,600 Oh, absolutely. 137 rooms, actually. 378 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,880 CHARLES SCOFFS 379 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,120 Tom, are you the richest man in England? 380 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,800 Oh, no, no! 381 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:09,200 I believe we're about seventh. Mm-hm. 382 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,280 The Queen, obviously, and um... Right. 383 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,560 ..that Branson bloke's doing terribly well. 384 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,600 Well, excellent news. 385 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,640 I'll go tell Scarlett. 386 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:20,760 Yeah. 387 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,600 That's, uh, unless you get lucky first. 388 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,520 MAN: Forget about it! Get out of it! 389 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,840 Get out. Go on! 390 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,160 CARRIE: Hi. 391 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,200 Hi! Hi, I thought you'd gone. 392 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,560 No, not yet. I was just wondering where you were staying tonight. 393 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,240 Uh, well... 394 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,040 ..I was staying at some pub called the Lucky... 395 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,600 ..The Boat, or something like that. Boatman. 396 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,760 Right. But, uh... 397 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:55,800 But now I'm gonna stay at some friend's house with...some friends. 398 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,480 STAMMERING: Well, I say "house." 399 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,480 I think "enormous castle" is a more accurate description. 400 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,560 Oh, that's too bad, cos I'm at The Boatman. 401 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,760 Oh. 402 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:08,640 Well, it was nice not quite meeting you. 403 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,040 It was a great speech. Thanks. 404 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,120 Well, I'm going now. 405 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,760 No! No, no, no, no, no, don't go. We can... 406 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,160 We can meet now. 407 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,400 The evening's just getting going. 408 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,360 Oh, I think we both know that's a big lie. 409 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,640 # So if you really love me 410 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,720 # Come on and let it show. # 411 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:32,960 Fuck. 412 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:38,280 # Come on and let it show 413 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,840 # Come on and let it... # 414 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,880 HE RETCHES 415 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:48,360 # Sometimes it's hard to be a woman 416 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:55,440 # Giving all your love to just one man. # 417 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,360 The castle beckons, I think, Tom. Are you sober? 418 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,520 Absolutely. Orange juice all night. 419 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,000 # Be proud of him. # 420 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,440 Come on. 421 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:10,720 # Cos after all, he's just a man. # 422 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:11,960 SCARLETT: Bye, everybody! 423 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,560 SINGER: All together, now. 424 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,320 # Stand by your man 425 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,680 # Give him two arms to cling to. # 426 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,840 THEY PANT 427 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,840 Bernard! 428 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,320 # And something warm to come to 429 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,800 # When nights are cold and lonely. # 430 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,040 THEY SING DRUNKENLY 431 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,280 # Tell the world you love him 432 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:41,000 # And give him all the love you ca-a-a-a-an 433 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,600 # Stand by... # 434 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,160 CHARLES: Tom, Tom, can you stop the car? 435 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,200 Stop the car! 436 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,200 THEY STOP SINGING 437 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,760 Sorry. Sorry. 438 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,480 I just think...I might stay in that pub after all. 439 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,920 TOM: Why on earth? 440 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,200 Um, well... 441 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,920 THEY MAKE MOCKING NOISES 442 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,160 MOCKING GETS LOUDER 443 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,080 No, no, no, no, seriously. 444 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,280 I'm doing some research to pubs with the word "boat" in the title. 445 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,760 I hope to produce the definitive work. 446 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,200 Oh, well. Please yourself. It's a... 447 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,680 It's a silly thing. Um. 448 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:19,920 Right. 449 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,760 Odd decision. 450 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,880 Hello. 451 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,720 Hi. Hi. 452 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,400 In the end, it turned out there wasn't room for all of us, so... 453 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,080 You said it was a castle. 454 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,760 Yes, it is... No, it is a castle. It's um... 455 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,520 It's just a very, very small one. 456 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,240 Tiny, in fact. Just one up, one down, which is rare. 457 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,200 A drink, sir? 458 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,360 Yeah. I'd like a glass of whiskey, please. Thanks. 459 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:28,520 Do you want? 460 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,920 Yeah, sounds good. 461 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,200 Make another one for the lady. 462 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,800 Doubles, sir? Hmm. Thanks. 463 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,280 WHISTLING 464 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,040 Ah. You here, too? How are you? 465 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,520 Hello. I'm fine. 466 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,400 Haven't seen Carrie, have you? 467 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,000 Who? Carrie. 468 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,920 American girl. Lovely legs. 469 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,240 Wedding guest. Nice smell. 470 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:49,800 No. Sorry. 471 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,840 Damn. Blast. 472 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,280 I think I was in there. 473 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,840 Look, if you do see her, could you tell her I've gone up to my room? 474 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 475 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,360 Your whiskey, sir. Thank you. 476 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:03,680 And one for the... 477 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,120 Road. Lovely. 478 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,360 Actually, I think I might have one of those. Do you mind if I join you? 479 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:09,840 No. It'd be lovely. 480 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,360 Another glass of whiskey, and a cigar. 481 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,720 Hold on. Make that a bottle of whiskey. 482 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,400 We might as well settle in, eh? 483 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,560 Let's see if we can push on through till dawn, shall we? 484 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,560 Lovely wedding. Yes, yes, yes. 485 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,640 I was at school with his brother Bufty - tremendous bloke. 486 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,080 He was head of my house. 487 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:27,680 Buggered me senseless, 488 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,560 still, taught me a thing or two about life. 489 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,720 Hmm. 490 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,280 Where do you know him from? 491 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:34,360 University. 492 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,880 Hmm. Splendid. Splendid. Yep. 493 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,520 I didn't go myself. Well, I couldn't see the point, you see. 494 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:42,960 I mean, when you work in the money markets 495 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,160 what use are the novels of Wordsworth gonna be, eh? 496 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,680 WAITER: Excuse me, sir. 497 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,080 Your wife says, could you come upstairs at once? 498 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,520 Room 12, in case you're so drunk you can't remember. 499 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,040 My wife? 500 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,360 Yes, sir. 501 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,640 Oh, my wife! My wife! 502 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,640 HE CHUCKLES 503 00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:00,200 Oh, God! You are drunk. You can't even remember you got a wife. 504 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,360 Yeah, yeah. 505 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,360 HE IMITATES SLURRING 506 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:05,280 Do you mind if I... No, no, no. Off you go. Off you go. 507 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:06,360 Best of luck. Thanks, yeah. 508 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,840 Lucky bachelor me, 509 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,360 I'll think I'll have another search for that Katie creature. 510 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,920 Carrie. That's the one. 511 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,240 Damn fine filly. 512 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,760 I think I'm in there. 513 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,600 HE CLEARS THROAT 514 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,800 Hi. Hello. 515 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,040 Sorry about that. 516 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,720 No, that's fine. He was hard to get rid of. 517 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,880 Yeah. 518 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,320 So, um... 519 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,960 Maybe we could just... 520 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,040 ..skulk around here for a bit and then...go back down. 521 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,720 Now that's a thought. 522 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,160 I don't usually skulk a lot, 523 00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,600 but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required. 524 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,480 Do you skulk regularly? 525 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,800 No. No, I don't normally... 526 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,120 ..think of myself as a skulker, but... 527 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:17,200 Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while 528 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:18,720 and we'll see. 529 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,480 So I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church, 530 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,280 which is kind of strange. 531 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:34,600 Where I come from, kissing is very big. 532 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,120 Is it? Yes, well, I think you're right. 533 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,840 I think we are probably more reserved, you know. 534 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:41,040 "You may now kiss the bride," 535 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,880 isn't actually in the book of common prayers. 536 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,400 I always worry I'll go too far, you know, in the heat of the moment. 537 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:49,000 Uh-huh? 538 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,360 How far do you think too far would be, then? 539 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:53,560 Oh, I don't know. 540 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,560 Maybe... 541 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:01,200 ..that would be all right. 542 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:03,640 Yeah, I think that would be fine. 543 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:05,920 In fact, it might be a bit dismissive. 544 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:09,520 Maybe this... 545 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:12,880 ..would be better. 546 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,480 Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further. 547 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,320 I mean, um... 548 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:24,600 You know. 549 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,680 That might be taking it a little far. 550 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:36,920 Mm-hm. 551 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:43,920 What about this? 552 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:45,600 Do you think the vicar would think 553 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,480 things had slipped just a little bit out of his control? 554 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:49,960 I think he might. 555 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,960 You know, this kind of thing is really better suited to the, uh... 556 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,800 ..to the honeymoon than to the service itself. 557 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:58,640 Why do you think it's called a honeymoon? 558 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,560 Um, I don't know. 559 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,280 I suppose it's... 560 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:05,880 .."honey" cos it's sweet as honey. 561 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,880 And, um, "moon" because 562 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,200 it was the first time 563 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:12,560 a husband got to see 564 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,680 his wife's bottom. 565 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,680 SHE LAUGHS 566 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,720 BIRDS CHIRP 567 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:54,640 What's happening? 568 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,200 I have to go. 569 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:00,960 Where? 570 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,240 America. 571 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:05,880 That is a tragedy. 572 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:09,920 Just before I go... 573 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:13,040 ..when were you thinking of announcing the engagement? 574 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:14,240 Hmm? 575 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:19,600 Sorry. Whose engagement? 576 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,600 Ours. 577 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,560 I assumed since we slept together and everything, 578 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:24,840 we'd be getting married. 579 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:27,960 What did you think? 580 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,000 Wha...? 581 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:32,520 I, um... 582 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,400 Gosh, you know, that's, um... 583 00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:41,440 Takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing. 584 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,920 Uh, obviously, I'm... 585 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,920 HE STAMMERS 586 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,760 You're joking. 587 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,360 SHE LAUGHS 588 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,680 God! For a moment there, I thought I was in Fatal Attraction. 589 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,560 I thought you were Glenn Close, 590 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,680 and I was going to get home and find my pet rabbit on the stove. 591 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:01,760 SHE SIGHS 592 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:01,760 No. 593 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:06,920 But I think we've both missed a great opportunity here. 594 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,200 Bye. 595 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,160 DOOR CLOSES 596 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,240 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 597 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:40,680 CHARLES: Oh, fuck! 598 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,640 Mm? 599 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,120 Fuck! 600 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,480 Fuck. Fuckity-fuck! 601 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,320 Fuck! 602 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,640 Car or taxi? 603 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:53,840 Taxi. We could never park. 604 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:03,960 Car seems a good idea. 605 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:06,840 BOTH: Fuck. 606 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,840 Er, your... Leave it! No-one will notice. 607 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,560 ORGAN PLAYS 608 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,480 Well... 609 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,000 Sorry I'm late. Traffic. 610 00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:49,440 Yeah. 611 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,360 Who is it today? 612 00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:23,080 One more, please. 613 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:24,600 Get ready. Come on. 614 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,760 ORGAN PLAYS 615 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,520 ORGAN MUSIC ENDS 616 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:20,200 In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. 617 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,760 Amen. ALL: Amen. 618 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,760 Let us pray. 619 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:29,600 Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, 620 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,600 a symbol of Christ's love for His church. 621 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:37,560 Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia 622 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:42,000 through your son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, 623 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,440 who lives and reigns with you 624 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:45,880 and the Holy goat... 625 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,920 HE STAMMERS 626 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,920 Ghost. 627 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:53,400 One God, forever and ever. Amen. 628 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,960 It's his first time. He's a friend of the family. 629 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,000 Ah, excellent. 630 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,200 Bernard and Lydia, 631 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,160 I shall now ask if you freely 632 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,760 undertake the obligations of marriage. 633 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,960 Bernard, repeat after me. 634 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,280 I do solemnly declare... 635 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,200 I do solemnly declare... 636 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,240 ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... 637 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:17,160 ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... 638 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,680 ..why I, Lydia... 639 00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:22,040 ..why I, Bernard... 640 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,880 Sorry. 641 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,880 THEY SNICKER 642 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:32,320 Why I, Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney... 643 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:37,400 Why I, Bernard Geoffrey "St John" Delaney... 644 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,440 ..may not be joined in matrimony 645 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,760 to Lydia John Hibbott. 646 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,600 ..may not be joined in matrimony 647 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,480 to Lydia Jane Hibbott. 648 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:55,000 Lydia, repeat after me. 649 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:56,880 I do solemnly declare... 650 00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:58,400 I do solemnly declare... 651 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,160 ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... 652 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:04,160 ..that I know not of any lawful impediment... 653 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:08,240 ..why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott... 654 00:38:08,240 --> 00:38:11,480 ..why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott... 655 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,760 ..may not be johned in matrimony... 656 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,560 ..may not be "joined" in matrimony... 657 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,760 ..to Bernard Geoffrey... 658 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,560 ..Sijeh - Sijean Delaney. 659 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:28,800 ..to Bernard Geoffrey "St John" Delaney. 660 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,880 I call upon those persons here present to witness... 661 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,520 I call upon those persons here present to witness... 662 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,840 ..that I, Bernard... 663 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,040 ..Delaney... 664 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:52,200 HE SIGHS 665 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,000 That I, Bernard Delaney... 666 00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,200 ..do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott... 667 00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,880 ..do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott... 668 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:02,080 ..to be my awful wedded wife. 669 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:06,320 To be my "lawful" wedded wife. 670 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,320 That's... That's right. 671 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:10,920 May Almighty God bless you all. 672 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:12,680 The Father, the Son 673 00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,760 and the Holy Spigot... Spirit! 674 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:15,880 ALL: Amen. 675 00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:17,080 Bravo! 676 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:19,320 THEY APPLAUD 677 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:19,320 Bravo! 678 00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:20,600 Bravo! 679 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,040 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 680 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,120 LYDIA LAUGHS 681 00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,560 APPLAUSE CONTINUES 682 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,240 TOM: Thanks. 683 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:41,920 We're coming, Bernie. Up here! 684 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:43,680 Sorry. 685 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,840 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 686 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:47,520 That way? Yes, of course. 687 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:49,040 Sorry. Could you two... 688 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:50,880 Tom, don't go away. 689 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,160 Sorry! 690 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,480 INDISTINCT CHATTER 691 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,840 I've got a new theory about marriage. 692 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:12,720 Two people are in love, they live together, 693 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:16,240 and suddenly one day they run out of conversation. 694 00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:17,680 Uh-huh. Totally. 695 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,520 I mean, they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. 696 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,560 That's it. Panic. 697 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:26,480 Then suddenly, it occurs 698 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,200 to that chap that there is a way out of the deadlock. 699 00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:31,520 Which is? 700 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,400 He'll ask her to marry him. 701 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,320 Brilliant. Brilliant! 702 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,200 Suddenly they got something 703 00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:38,560 to talk about for rest of their lives. 704 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:41,120 Basically, you're saying marriage is just a way 705 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,880 of getting out of an embarrassing, pause in conversation. 706 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,800 Yep. The definitive icebreaker. 707 00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:49,000 Tom, how's the speech coming along? 708 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,800 It's pretty good, I think. Something for everyone. 709 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,240 Tears, laughter. 710 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,760 GARETH LAUGHS 711 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,760 Excellent. 712 00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:58,400 Well, I think it's a very good theory, Gareth. 713 00:40:58,400 --> 00:40:59,880 Well, there is another argument, of course, 714 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:02,240 that it does have something to do with true love. 715 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:04,560 Hmm, there's a thought. 716 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,280 Can I help you, sir? 717 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,920 Can I have three glasses of brandy, please? 718 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:13,120 Certainly, sir. 719 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,320 Hi. 720 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,480 Hello! How are you? 721 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:20,200 Fine. Fine. 722 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,760 LAUGHING: Yeah. Sorry, I'm overwhelmed to see you. 723 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:28,560 Um, look, don't go back to America. Please. 724 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:30,080 Be back in two secs, OK? 725 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,320 OK. 726 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,120 Hi, Fi. 727 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,640 That's yours, that's yours. See you in five hours. 728 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,200 Something happened? 729 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,400 Yeah, has a bit. This is a bloody great wedding, you know. 730 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,080 Hi. 731 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:49,760 Well, you look perfect. You... 732 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,720 In fact, you probably are perfect. 733 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,280 Well, how are you? 734 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:54,760 I'm really well. 735 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,520 Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiance. 736 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:02,120 Excellent. 737 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,160 Excellent. How do you do, Hamish? 738 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,040 Delighted to meet you. 739 00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,160 Charming surprise to find Carrie back in the country. 740 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,400 Yes, well, it took a lot of persuading, I can tell you. 741 00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:14,080 Come on, darling, I told James I was gonna get you. 742 00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:16,120 He'll begin to think I've totally lost control over you already. 743 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,560 THEY LAUGH 744 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,560 I'll see you later. 745 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:29,480 How you doing, Charles? 746 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,760 Not great, actually, suddenly. 747 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:36,400 CHARLES SIGHS 748 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:37,600 I don't know. 749 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:40,600 I mean, um... 750 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:45,880 What the hell's going on here? Why am I always at weddings 751 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,120 and never actually getting married, Matt? 752 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,160 It's probably because you're a bit scruffy. 753 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:51,440 Yeah. 754 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,840 Or it could also be cos you haven't met the right girl. 755 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:58,160 Ah, but you see, is that it? 756 00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:59,720 Maybe I have met the right girls. 757 00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:02,120 Maybe I'm meeting the right girls all the time. 758 00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:04,920 Maybe it's me. 759 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:06,040 Oh, nonsense. 760 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,640 My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, 761 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:10,200 dinner is served. 762 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,000 Come on. Odds on you meet your wife at dinner. 763 00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:17,360 Yes. 764 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,160 Oh, my God. 765 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:33,840 Charles? 766 00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:43,120 Hi. Hello. 767 00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:44,440 I'm Alistair. Great. 768 00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:46,080 And I believe you know Veronica. 769 00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:48,040 Yeah. Hi, Vee, Hi. 770 00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:49,280 Nicki. 771 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,120 Great. 772 00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:01,400 Tell me, are you married? 773 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:02,880 No. 774 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:04,360 Are you a lesbian? 775 00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:06,400 Good Lord! 776 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,480 Um, what made you say that? 777 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,960 Well, it's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls 778 00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:13,920 and is a bit more interesting than saying, 779 00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:17,040 "Oh, dear, just never found the right chap, eh?" 780 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,920 Quite right. Why be dull? 781 00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:21,240 Thank you. 782 00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,880 Well, the truth is... 783 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,480 WHISPERS: Truth is, I have met the right person, 784 00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:29,680 only he is not in love with me, 785 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,200 and until I stop loving him, no-one else stands a chance. 786 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:33,760 Oh, bad luck. 787 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:35,080 Yes, isn't it? 788 00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:39,640 I was a lesbian once at school, 789 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,120 but only for about 15 minutes so I don't think it counts. 790 00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:48,200 THEY LAUGH 791 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:49,640 GARETH: Very good 792 00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:52,480 There are 400 different kinds of tea. 793 00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,640 And that's not including all these so-called fruit teas. 794 00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:56,880 I took Veronica out to India at 795 00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:58,400 Christmas to look at the plantations. 796 00:44:58,400 --> 00:44:59,680 Oh, excellent. 797 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:01,480 I believe you and her went out there once. 798 00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:02,680 That's right. 799 00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:04,160 VERONICA: Charles was vile. 800 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:07,080 He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill. 801 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:08,640 I was just trying to cheer you up, Vee. 802 00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:10,400 Oh, you're that Veronica! 803 00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:12,040 Which Veronica? 804 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,200 Charlie? Remember Bombay? 805 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:16,000 When Charles and I were going out, 806 00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:19,840 he told me he'd had this interesting journey around India 807 00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,960 with Vomiting Veronica, I... 808 00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:23,200 I think that was it. 809 00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:25,280 I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe... 810 00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,040 Maybe I did. Oh, come on, Charles! 811 00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,240 I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet. 812 00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:31,400 Well, I don't think... 813 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,320 It's probably a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it, Marth? 814 00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:34,600 It is not! 815 00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,360 I remember you going on about this girl, 816 00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:39,040 Helena, was it, whose mother made a pass at you? 817 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,680 I remember this! 818 00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:42,040 You couldn't work out whether it 819 00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:44,520 would be impolite not to accept her advances! 820 00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:46,560 THEY LAUGH 821 00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:46,560 NICKI: That's right! 822 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,000 Mrs Piggy. Helena was Miss Piggy, 823 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:50,640 so her mother was Mrs Piggy. 824 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:50,640 THEY LAUGH 825 00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,280 STAMMERING: I think perhaps it was a... It was a... 826 00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:55,320 We've both lost a lot of weight since then. 827 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,400 CLACKING 828 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,400 Ah, great. Speeches. 829 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,920 My lords, ladies and gentlemen, 830 00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:10,120 pray silence for the best man. 831 00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:12,880 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 832 00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:25,800 Um. When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia, 833 00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:27,880 I congratulated him because 834 00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:30,680 all his other girlfriends had been such complete dogs. 835 00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:32,960 ONLY LYDIA LAUGHS 836 00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,200 Although may I say how delighted we are 837 00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:37,000 to have so many of them here this evening. 838 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,440 GARETH LAUGHS 839 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:41,600 I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla, 840 00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:44,880 who many of you will probably remember 841 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:47,600 as the first person Bernard asked to marry him. 842 00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,960 If I remember rightly, she told him to "sod off." 843 00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,000 GARETH LAUGHS 844 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:57,800 And lucky for Lydia that she did. 845 00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:00,160 GARETH LAUGHS 846 00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:05,400 It's very disappointing! 847 00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,240 GARETH: We had the most adorable girl at our table, 848 00:47:12,240 --> 00:47:13,640 called Carrie. 849 00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:17,440 Apparently, her fiance is awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland. 850 00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:18,880 How are you? 851 00:47:18,880 --> 00:47:20,960 Well, I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell. 852 00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,840 Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. 853 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:25,200 Next thing you know I bump into Henrietta 854 00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:28,560 and the horror will be complete. HENRIETTA: Hello, Charles. 855 00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:30,720 Hello, Hen. How are you? 856 00:47:30,720 --> 00:47:32,920 SHE SOBS 857 00:47:30,720 --> 00:47:32,920 Oh, Hen, I... 858 00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,560 Why can't you just leave her alone? 859 00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,120 Haven't you hurt her enough? 860 00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:43,000 Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people are not. 861 00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:51,920 Hello. 862 00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:22,640 Oh, yes! 863 00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:27,080 HE CHUCKLES 864 00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:41,280 WOMEN CHATTER 865 00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,920 THEY LAUGH 866 00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,920 It's unbelievable. 867 00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:57,760 HE SIGHS 868 00:48:57,760 --> 00:48:59,400 MAN: Taxi! 869 00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:08,280 Goodnight, sir. 870 00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:10,760 Thank you. 871 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,120 HE SIGHS 872 00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:21,720 WOMAN: # My true love was true 873 00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:28,480 # I, of course, replied 874 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:32,000 # Something here inside 875 00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:35,680 # Cannot be denied. # 876 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:41,720 KNOCK ON DOOR 877 00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:44,040 BERNARD BABBLES EXCITEDLY 878 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,000 BERNARD: I know. It's all right. Oh, God, this is wonderful, isn't it? 879 00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:52,960 THEY GIGGLE 880 00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,960 BERNARD PANTS 881 00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:04,680 THEY MOAN 882 00:50:08,200 --> 00:50:09,760 LYDIA: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. 883 00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:12,760 This is no fun. I want to see my lovely husband! 884 00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:15,120 THEY BOTH MOAN 885 00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,080 THEY LAUGH AND MOAN 886 00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,840 LYDIA GASPS 887 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:32,520 THEY LAUGH AND MOAN 888 00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:39,560 LAUGHING: Who's a very bad bridegroom, indeed? 889 00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:47,000 # Gonna get along without you now 890 00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,800 # Gonna get along without you now. # 891 00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:55,960 Have you got a boyfriend? 892 00:50:55,960 --> 00:50:57,000 Yes. 893 00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,200 What's his name? 894 00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,640 Dolph. He's good at table tennis. 895 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,160 What about you? 896 00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:03,440 No. Afraid not. 897 00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:05,560 Why not? 898 00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:07,720 Don't know. 899 00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:12,120 Because most of the blokes I fancy 900 00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:14,400 think I'm stupid and pointless, 901 00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,280 so they just bonk me and then leave me, 902 00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:21,040 and the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips. 903 00:51:21,040 --> 00:51:23,680 I can't even be bothered to bonk them, 904 00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:26,240 which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere. 905 00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:28,640 What's bonking? 906 00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:33,240 Well, it's kind of like table tennis... 907 00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:37,160 ..only with slightly smaller balls. 908 00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:39,960 THEY MOAN AND GIGGLE 909 00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,840 LOUD MOANING CONTINUES 910 00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:53,320 THEY LAUGH 911 00:51:56,320 --> 00:52:00,520 LYDIA LAUGHS 912 00:51:56,320 --> 00:52:00,520 BERNARD: So good! 913 00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:07,120 THEY PANT AND GASP 914 00:52:09,880 --> 00:52:12,160 BERNARD YELLS IN DELIGHT 915 00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:14,240 I love my wife! 916 00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,920 MOANING: And I love my husband! 917 00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:22,080 Do you think we'd better be getting back? 918 00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:24,280 Or we could just wait a few minutes 919 00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:25,920 and have another go. 920 00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:30,080 You naughty, naughty little rabbit! 921 00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:33,880 LYDIA GASPS 922 00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:37,200 Found it. 923 00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,320 Charles. Charles, we must talk. 924 00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:48,400 Right. You're right. 925 00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:50,400 The thing is, Charlie, 926 00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,760 I've spoken to lots of people about you... Oh, God. 927 00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:55,960 ..and everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles. 928 00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:57,360 Am I? 929 00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:00,120 The thing is, you see, you're sort of turning into 930 00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:01,680 a kind of serial monogamist. 931 00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:03,360 One girlfriend after another, 932 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:04,600 yet you never really love anyone 933 00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:06,440 cos you never let them near you. 934 00:53:06,440 --> 00:53:08,400 On the contrary, Hen, I... 935 00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:11,320 You're affectionate to them and sweet to them. Right. 936 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:13,880 You were even sweet to me, although you thought I was an idiot. 937 00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:15,680 I did not. You did! 938 00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:17,920 I thought U2 was a type of submarine. 939 00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:19,200 Well, in a way, you were right. 940 00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:20,760 Their music has a very naval quality. 941 00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:22,520 Be serious, Charles. 942 00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:24,080 You must give people a chance. 943 00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:26,160 You don't have to think, "I must get married," 944 00:53:26,160 --> 00:53:27,880 but you mustn't start every relationship 945 00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:29,440 thinking, "I mustn't get married." 946 00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,520 Hen, you know me - most of the time I don't think at all. 947 00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:33,600 I just, you know, potter along. 948 00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:35,080 Oh, Charlie! 949 00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:38,200 Oh, God, the way you used to look at me! 950 00:53:38,200 --> 00:53:41,400 SHE SNIFFLES 951 00:53:38,200 --> 00:53:41,400 I just misread it, that's all. 952 00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:43,840 All the time I thought you were going to propose 953 00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:46,560 and all that time you were just working out how to leave. 954 00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:48,640 No, no. I wasn't. 955 00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:50,400 Oh, God, this is ridiculous. 956 00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:51,560 Hen... No. 957 00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:53,120 No, Hen! Hen! 958 00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:54,560 No! No! Hen! 959 00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:56,880 Having a good night? 960 00:53:56,880 --> 00:53:58,800 Yes, yes, its... 961 00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:00,480 It's right up there with my father's funeral 962 00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:02,000 for sheer entertainment value. 963 00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:04,160 I thought you'd gone. 964 00:54:04,160 --> 00:54:06,760 No. Hamish has to take the Edinburgh sleeper. 965 00:54:06,760 --> 00:54:09,040 I'm off now. Keep me company? 966 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,280 SHE TAPS ON GLASS 967 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,280 Here, please. 968 00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,080 You want to come up for a nightcap? 969 00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:31,720 You sure? 970 00:54:31,720 --> 00:54:33,760 Well, yes. I think we can risk it. 971 00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,880 I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute. 972 00:54:38,120 --> 00:54:40,320 Sorry. Yeah, great. 973 00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,040 SLOW MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS 974 00:55:51,200 --> 00:55:53,720 Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up. 975 00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:55,240 Hmm. 976 00:55:55,240 --> 00:55:57,480 Well, it's a bit burnt. 977 00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:58,720 Excellent. 978 00:55:58,720 --> 00:56:02,600 CHAPEL OF LOVE PLAYS ON RADIO 979 00:55:58,720 --> 00:56:02,600 What are you up to today? 980 00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:03,840 Oh, yeah. 981 00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:08,480 I'm uh... Well, I'm taking advantage of the fact that 982 00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:10,280 for the first time in my entire life, 983 00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:12,960 it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to. 984 00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:15,520 All I have to do is not be late for David. 985 00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:17,480 I was gonna go for a job. 986 00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:20,160 There's this new shop called Spank that wants a sales assistant. 987 00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:22,280 I think I'd be great. 988 00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,400 They sell all this funny rubber stuff. 989 00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:27,040 Oh, no. Another wedding invitation. 990 00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:31,200 And a list. Lovely. 991 00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:33,800 They say rubber's mainly for perverts. 992 00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:36,760 I don't know why. I think it's very practical, actually. 993 00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:39,640 I mean, you spill anything on it, and it just comes off. 994 00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:42,400 I suppose that could be why the perverts like it. 995 00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:44,000 You all right? 996 00:56:45,760 --> 00:56:46,800 Yeah, yeah. 997 00:56:48,520 --> 00:56:50,160 It's that girl... 998 00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:52,160 ..Carrie. You remember? 999 00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:53,840 The American. 1000 00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:07,200 Uh, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. 1001 00:57:07,200 --> 00:57:08,520 Do you have the wedding list for Banks? 1002 00:57:08,520 --> 00:57:10,240 Certainly, sir. 1003 00:57:10,240 --> 00:57:13,640 Lots of beautiful things for round about the £1,000 mark. 1004 00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:15,520 Uh-huh. 1005 00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:18,440 What about things around the sort of... 1006 00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:20,240 ..£50 mark? Is there much? 1007 00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:23,360 Well, you could get that pygmy warrior over there. 1008 00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,880 This? Excellent. 1009 00:57:26,880 --> 00:57:30,520 If you could find someone to chip in the other £3,950. 1010 00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:33,080 Or our carrier bags are £1.50 each. 1011 00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:35,120 Why don't you just get 33 of them? 1012 00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:40,160 Yes, well, I think I'll probably leave it. 1013 00:57:40,160 --> 00:57:42,840 Thanks very much. You've been very... 1014 00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:45,560 What'd you get? 1015 00:57:45,560 --> 00:57:48,080 Blimey! Well, I never. 1016 00:57:45,560 --> 00:57:48,080 THEY LAUGH 1017 00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:49,240 Um... 1018 00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:52,640 Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding. 1019 00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:53,920 It's nice to see you. 1020 00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:55,400 It's nice to see you. 1021 00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:59,200 This present thing is great. 1022 00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:59,200 CHARLES CHUCKLES 1023 00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:01,120 I should've gotten married years ago. 1024 00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:02,200 Did anybody go for the pygmy? 1025 00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:03,800 The young man was thinking about it. 1026 00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:05,600 LAUGHING: Oh, no! Yeah. 1027 00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:08,320 Just get me an ashtray. 1028 00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:12,960 Are you free for about a half hour? 1029 00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:15,840 Yeah. Yeah. I'm supposed to meet my brother, 1030 00:58:15,840 --> 00:58:17,440 but I can be a bit late. 1031 00:58:17,440 --> 00:58:20,880 Oh, good, come with me. You have an important decision to make. 1032 00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:23,040 Now, the crucial thing is that you mustn't laugh. 1033 00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:24,080 OK, right. 1034 00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:27,960 # They're writing songs of love 1035 00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:31,040 # But not for me. # 1036 00:58:31,040 --> 00:58:32,600 What do you think? 1037 00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:35,360 # A lucky star's above... # 1038 00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:37,600 Divine. 1039 00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:39,080 Bit of a meringue? 1040 00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:40,520 Um... 1041 00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:43,920 SHE GROANS: Oh, don't worry. We've only just begun. 1042 00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:45,600 # With love to lead the way 1043 00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:46,840 # I've found more clouds of grey. # 1044 00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:48,520 What do you think? 1045 00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:51,360 You're kidding. 1046 00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:52,880 But it would be wonderful, wouldn't it? 1047 00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:53,920 Maybe next time. 1048 00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:58,120 What do you think? 1049 00:58:59,680 --> 00:59:02,680 HE CHUCKLES 1050 00:58:59,680 --> 00:59:02,680 Um... 1051 00:59:02,680 --> 00:59:03,880 I knew it. 1052 00:59:03,880 --> 00:59:05,240 But look, if you could find a little staff, 1053 00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:06,800 it'd be great for looking after sheep. 1054 00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:08,080 Don't be rude. 1055 00:59:09,080 --> 00:59:10,720 It's a bit sexy, this. 1056 00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:13,080 Well... 1057 00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,680 If I were your husband, I would die of pride. 1058 00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:19,400 You may be right. It is dangerous. 1059 00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:21,160 You know, there's nothing more off-putting at a wedding 1060 00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:23,560 than a priest with an enormous 1061 00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:23,560 erection. Bleh! 1062 00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:23,560 CARRIE LAUGHS 1063 00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:28,800 # I guess she's not for me. # 1064 00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:31,680 One strange thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else. 1065 00:59:31,680 --> 00:59:34,120 You don't think you'll be unfaithful? 1066 00:59:34,120 --> 00:59:36,240 No. Not once I'm married. 1067 00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:37,840 I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does, 1068 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:39,520 so I guess I better stick to that. 1069 00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:41,160 Quite right. Yes. 1070 00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,800 Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it. 1071 00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:46,840 What is a fair run these days, 1072 00:59:46,840 --> 00:59:48,200 down your way? 1073 00:59:48,200 --> 00:59:49,600 Oh, I don't know... 1074 00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:52,920 ..more than one. 1075 00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:55,200 Well, come on. Tell me. 1076 00:59:56,320 --> 00:59:58,240 I've seen the dress, we have no secrets. 1077 01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:04,200 Well... 1078 01:00:05,720 --> 01:00:08,360 The first one... 1079 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,960 ..of course, not easily forgotten, was kind of nice. 1080 01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:15,840 Two - hairy back. 1081 01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:15,840 CHARLES CHUCKLES 1082 01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:19,240 Three, four... Six. 1083 01:00:19,240 --> 01:00:21,760 Was on my birthday in my parents' room. 1084 01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:24,000 Which birthday? Seventeenth. 1085 01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:25,920 Oh, we've only reached 17? 1086 01:00:25,920 --> 01:00:27,440 Well, you know, I grew up in the country, 1087 01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:29,240 lots of rolling around in haystacks. 1088 01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:33,160 OK. Seven - mmm. 1089 01:00:33,160 --> 01:00:37,080 Eight - unfortunately, was quite a shock. 1090 01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:40,960 Nine - against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it. 1091 01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:42,320 I won't. 1092 01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:46,360 Ten - Oh! Was gorgeous. Just heaven, just... 1093 01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:48,000 Oh, he was wonderful. 1094 01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,400 I hate him. 1095 01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:54,280 11, obviously after ten, disappointing. 1096 01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:57,200 12 through 17, the university years. 1097 01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:59,120 Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys. 1098 01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:02,640 Sexually speaking, a real low patch. HE CHUCKLES 1099 01:01:02,640 --> 01:01:05,800 Um...18 broke my heart. 1100 01:01:05,800 --> 01:01:07,360 Years of yearning. 1101 01:01:07,360 --> 01:01:08,840 I'm sorry. 1102 01:01:08,840 --> 01:01:11,520 20... Oh, my God, I can't believe I've reached 20. 1103 01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:14,880 21 - elephant tongue. 1104 01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,720 22 - kept falling asleep. 1105 01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:20,880 That was my first year in England. 1106 01:01:20,880 --> 01:01:22,240 I do apologise. 1107 01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:24,560 23 and 24 together. That was something. 1108 01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,280 Seriously? 27 - oh, now that was a mistake. 1109 01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:30,320 Suddenly at 27 you make a mistake? 1110 01:01:30,320 --> 01:01:32,320 Yes, he kept screaming. 1111 01:01:32,320 --> 01:01:35,480 It was very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing. 1112 01:01:35,480 --> 01:01:38,120 But Spencer changed my mind, that's 28. Mm-hm. 1113 01:01:38,120 --> 01:01:39,800 His father, 29. 1114 01:01:39,800 --> 01:01:41,360 His father? Mm-hm. 1115 01:01:41,360 --> 01:01:43,680 30 - uh! 1116 01:01:43,680 --> 01:01:45,720 31 - oh, my God. 1117 01:01:46,800 --> 01:01:50,080 32...was lovely. 1118 01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:54,640 And then my fiance, that's 33. 1119 01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:57,000 Wow! 1120 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:01,920 So I...came after your fiance? 1121 01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:03,520 No, you were 32. 1122 01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,520 Oh. 1123 01:02:06,520 --> 01:02:08,040 So there you go. 1124 01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:10,680 Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I hope. 1125 01:02:10,680 --> 01:02:12,720 SHE CHUCKLES 1126 01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:14,520 And how about you? How many have you slept with? 1127 01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:15,960 Christ! 1128 01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:18,320 Nothing like that many. I don't know... 1129 01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:21,040 I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time, actually. 1130 01:02:21,040 --> 01:02:22,880 Work, probably. Yeah, that's it, work, work. 1131 01:02:22,880 --> 01:02:25,200 I have been working late a lot. 1132 01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:34,520 I wish I'd rung you. 1133 01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:38,960 But then, you never rang me. 1134 01:02:40,680 --> 01:02:43,440 You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me. 1135 01:02:47,760 --> 01:02:50,000 Oh, bollocks! 1136 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,200 Help me, please. Please. 1137 01:03:04,560 --> 01:03:06,840 Uh, Carrie, this is David, my brother. 1138 01:03:10,960 --> 01:03:12,400 Hi. 1139 01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:29,400 I was just telling him about, um, you marrying Hamish 1140 01:03:29,400 --> 01:03:32,440 and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow. So that's nice. 1141 01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:33,560 Ah. 1142 01:03:36,240 --> 01:03:37,320 Where are you doing it? 1143 01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:38,560 Scotland. 1144 01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:46,640 He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly. 1145 01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:49,680 You should come to the wedding, too. 1146 01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:51,360 I want as many friends as possible 1147 01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:54,080 to make up for the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows. 1148 01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:57,280 Well, you better go in. 1149 01:03:58,280 --> 01:03:59,840 Bye. 1150 01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:01,600 Bye. Bye. 1151 01:04:11,800 --> 01:04:13,040 Fuck it! 1152 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:27,400 Um, look. 1153 01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:28,920 Sorry, sorry. 1154 01:04:28,920 --> 01:04:30,560 Uh, I just... 1155 01:04:30,560 --> 01:04:32,640 Well, this is a really stupid question, 1156 01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:35,520 particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion. 1157 01:04:35,520 --> 01:04:37,080 But, uh... 1158 01:04:37,080 --> 01:04:40,760 I just wondered if, by any chance, um... 1159 01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:42,440 Uh, I mean, obviously not, 1160 01:04:42,440 --> 01:04:44,160 because I am just some git who's only slept with nine people. 1161 01:04:44,160 --> 01:04:45,920 But I just wondered... 1162 01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:48,960 Uh, I really feel, um... 1163 01:04:48,960 --> 01:04:52,400 In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version... 1164 01:04:53,600 --> 01:04:55,680 ..in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, 1165 01:04:55,680 --> 01:04:57,760 while he was still with The Partridge Family, 1166 01:04:57,760 --> 01:04:59,760 I think I love you. 1167 01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:02,680 And uh... 1168 01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:02,680 HE STAMMERS 1169 01:05:02,680 --> 01:05:06,080 ..I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to... 1170 01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:08,880 Uh... Uh... 1171 01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:11,960 No, no. No, of course not. 1172 01:05:13,160 --> 01:05:15,920 I'm an idiot, he's not. 1173 01:05:15,920 --> 01:05:17,720 Excellent. Excellent. Fantastic. 1174 01:05:17,720 --> 01:05:21,360 Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on. 1175 01:05:21,360 --> 01:05:22,480 Fuck! 1176 01:05:22,480 --> 01:05:24,240 That was very romantic. 1177 01:05:27,360 --> 01:05:28,880 Well, I thought it over a lot, you know. 1178 01:05:28,880 --> 01:05:30,520 I wanted to get it just right. 1179 01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:34,920 Important to have said it, I think. 1180 01:05:36,200 --> 01:05:38,560 Said what, exactly? 1181 01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:42,280 Said, uh... 1182 01:05:42,280 --> 01:05:44,640 ..you know, what I just said about... 1183 01:05:45,640 --> 01:05:46,800 ..David Cassidy. 1184 01:05:50,840 --> 01:05:52,320 You're lovely. 1185 01:05:57,240 --> 01:06:00,280 MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS 1186 01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:31,480 THUNDER RUMBLES 1187 01:06:35,680 --> 01:06:38,400 BIRDS SCREECH 1188 01:06:43,640 --> 01:06:46,640 VICAR: It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationship 1189 01:06:46,640 --> 01:06:48,240 of conjugal love. 1190 01:06:48,240 --> 01:06:51,480 It was ordained for the welfare of human society 1191 01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:53,440 which can be strong and happy 1192 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:56,440 only when the marriage bond is held in honour. 1193 01:06:57,400 --> 01:07:02,800 Into this holy estate these two persons now desire to enter. 1194 01:07:02,800 --> 01:07:06,360 Wherefore if anyone can show any just cause 1195 01:07:06,360 --> 01:07:09,360 why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage, 1196 01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:11,320 let him now declare it. 1197 01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:13,480 DOOR LATCH CLANGS 1198 01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,200 WHISPERS: Sorry. 1199 01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:18,680 VICAR: Please rise. 1200 01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:27,360 Do you, Hamish, take this woman, Caroline, to be your wedded wife? 1201 01:07:27,360 --> 01:07:31,120 And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation, 1202 01:07:31,120 --> 01:07:33,200 promise and covenant to be to her 1203 01:07:33,200 --> 01:07:35,400 a loving and faithful husband 1204 01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:38,160 until God shall separate you by death? 1205 01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:40,200 HAMISH: I do. 1206 01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:44,640 Do you, Caroline, take this man, Hamish, to be your wedded husband? 1207 01:07:44,640 --> 01:07:48,440 And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation 1208 01:07:48,440 --> 01:07:49,960 promise and covenant to be to him 1209 01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:51,880 a loving and faithful wife 1210 01:07:51,880 --> 01:07:54,360 until God shall separate you by death? 1211 01:07:54,360 --> 01:07:56,120 I do. 1212 01:07:56,120 --> 01:07:58,080 As a token of the covenant into which you have entered... 1213 01:07:58,080 --> 01:07:59,480 Fuck-a-doodle-doo. 1214 01:08:01,080 --> 01:08:03,800 BAGPIPES PLAY 1215 01:08:24,000 --> 01:08:25,560 Awfully nice to meet you. 1216 01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:27,680 Nice to meet you. 1217 01:08:27,680 --> 01:08:28,760 How do you do? 1218 01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:31,400 Hello. Ben...? 1219 01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:36,120 You look beautiful. Not a meringue in sight. 1220 01:08:36,120 --> 01:08:37,320 Thanks. 1221 01:08:40,440 --> 01:08:43,200 BAGPIPES PLAY HIGHLAND TUNE 1222 01:08:43,200 --> 01:08:44,600 Blimey. 1223 01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,800 It's Brigadoon! 1224 01:08:47,800 --> 01:08:49,920 CHUCKLING: It's bloody Brigadoon! 1225 01:08:59,520 --> 01:09:01,520 Dear old things, as you know, 1226 01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:03,680 I've always been proud that there's 1227 01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:06,160 not a wedding ring between the lot of us. 1228 01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:07,600 Over the passing of the years, 1229 01:09:07,600 --> 01:09:10,040 it's suddenly beginning to distress me. 1230 01:09:10,040 --> 01:09:11,760 I'd like to go to the wedding of 1231 01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:13,760 someone I really loved, for a change. 1232 01:09:13,760 --> 01:09:16,800 TOM: Well, don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know. 1233 01:09:16,800 --> 01:09:18,720 You haven't asked me. 1234 01:09:18,720 --> 01:09:19,800 Haven't I? No. 1235 01:09:19,800 --> 01:09:22,920 Oh, Scarlett. Would...you like to? 1236 01:09:22,920 --> 01:09:25,520 No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask. 1237 01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:27,280 Well, any time. 1238 01:09:27,280 --> 01:09:29,800 LAUGHING: Quite right, Tom. That's the spirit. 1239 01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:33,200 Now, tonight, these are your orders. 1240 01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:37,200 Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives. 1241 01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:38,960 Excellent plan. What do you think, Fifi? 1242 01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:40,720 Spot a potential hubby in the throng? 1243 01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:42,960 Bugger off, Tom. Quite right. 1244 01:09:42,960 --> 01:09:46,040 A toast before we go into battle. 1245 01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:49,200 To true love. 1246 01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:51,480 In whatever shape or form it may come. 1247 01:09:51,480 --> 01:09:54,560 May we all in our dotage be proud to say, 1248 01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:57,120 "I was adored once, too." 1249 01:09:57,120 --> 01:10:00,240 THEY CHUCKLE 1250 01:09:57,120 --> 01:10:00,240 ALL: True love! 1251 01:10:08,480 --> 01:10:11,600 STUTTERING: Apparently, an enormous number of people 1252 01:10:11,600 --> 01:10:14,400 actually bump into their future spouses at weddings. 1253 01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:16,680 Which is interesting. 1254 01:10:16,680 --> 01:10:18,960 Yes, I met my husband at a wedding. 1255 01:10:18,960 --> 01:10:20,120 Ah! 1256 01:10:27,120 --> 01:10:28,720 Good Lord, I seem to have finished my drink. 1257 01:10:28,720 --> 01:10:30,120 If you'll excuse me. 1258 01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:38,760 Hello. My name's Scarlett. 1259 01:10:38,760 --> 01:10:41,720 Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble. 1260 01:10:41,720 --> 01:10:43,320 What's your name? 1261 01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:45,080 My name's Rhett. 1262 01:10:45,080 --> 01:10:47,240 No. Not really! 1263 01:10:47,240 --> 01:10:48,760 No, not really. 1264 01:10:48,760 --> 01:10:50,440 In fact, it's Chester. 1265 01:10:50,440 --> 01:10:53,240 You kidder! 1266 01:10:50,440 --> 01:10:53,240 SHE LAUGHS 1267 01:10:53,240 --> 01:10:56,040 I always imagine Americans are gonna be dull as shit. 1268 01:10:56,040 --> 01:10:58,560 I mean, of course you're not, are you? 1269 01:10:58,560 --> 01:11:01,440 Steve Martin's American, isn't he? 1270 01:11:01,440 --> 01:11:03,440 Yes, he is. 1271 01:11:03,440 --> 01:11:04,880 You're lovely. 1272 01:11:06,320 --> 01:11:07,720 Come on! 1273 01:11:07,720 --> 01:11:08,960 Oh, no, no! 1274 01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:15,800 Hello, Charles. 1275 01:11:16,760 --> 01:11:19,280 Oh, Hen. Hi. 1276 01:11:19,280 --> 01:11:22,000 STAMMERING: I'm sorry. I couldn't really bear a scene today. 1277 01:11:22,000 --> 01:11:23,920 I know, you know, we probably got tons to talk about, 1278 01:11:23,920 --> 01:11:25,240 and all that kind of stuff. 1279 01:11:25,240 --> 01:11:27,480 Did I behave that atrociously last time? 1280 01:11:28,520 --> 01:11:30,160 Well, you remember the shower scene in Psycho? 1281 01:11:30,160 --> 01:11:31,720 Yeah. 1282 01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:34,640 Scarier. 1283 01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:34,640 THEY BOTH LAUGH 1284 01:11:34,640 --> 01:11:36,480 Oh, God, I'm depressed, Hen. How are you? 1285 01:11:36,480 --> 01:11:39,040 Well, I'm cheerful, actually. I weigh almost nothing. 1286 01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:41,440 And, oh, I've got a divine new boyfriend. 1287 01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:45,680 Perhaps you were right, Hen. Perhaps we should've got married. 1288 01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:48,280 Oh, good God, no! Marry you and I'd have had to marry your friends. 1289 01:11:48,280 --> 01:11:50,600 And I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona. 1290 01:11:50,600 --> 01:11:52,320 Fiona loves you. 1291 01:11:52,320 --> 01:11:54,440 Fiona calls me Duckface. 1292 01:11:54,440 --> 01:11:56,400 Well, I never heard that. 1293 01:11:56,400 --> 01:11:58,280 Look, darling, come to lunch soon. 1294 01:11:58,280 --> 01:12:01,280 Give me a ring, OK? Oh, still cute! 1295 01:12:05,880 --> 01:12:07,760 How's Duckface? 1296 01:12:07,760 --> 01:12:09,600 Good form, actually. Not too mad. 1297 01:12:09,600 --> 01:12:11,720 BAGPIPES PLAY 1298 01:12:11,720 --> 01:12:15,760 Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom. 1299 01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:23,160 APPLAUSE 1300 01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:30,360 BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES 1301 01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,040 You like this girl, don't you? 1302 01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:57,880 Yes. 1303 01:13:01,200 --> 01:13:02,720 Yes, it's a... 1304 01:13:04,080 --> 01:13:06,720 It's a strange thing when at last it happens. 1305 01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:09,280 And, uh... 1306 01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:09,280 HE SCOFFS 1307 01:13:09,280 --> 01:13:11,600 ..she's marrying someone else. 1308 01:13:19,240 --> 01:13:21,200 How about you, Fifi? 1309 01:13:21,200 --> 01:13:24,400 You identified a future partner for life yet? 1310 01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:25,840 No need, really. 1311 01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:30,120 The deed is done. 1312 01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:32,280 I've been in love with the same bloke for ages. 1313 01:13:33,680 --> 01:13:35,600 Have you? 1314 01:13:35,600 --> 01:13:36,840 Who's that? 1315 01:13:37,800 --> 01:13:39,240 You, Charlie. 1316 01:13:57,680 --> 01:13:59,440 It's always been you. 1317 01:14:01,080 --> 01:14:02,640 Since first we met... 1318 01:14:04,120 --> 01:14:05,840 ..oh, so many years ago. 1319 01:14:07,240 --> 01:14:09,560 I knew the first moment. 1320 01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:12,720 Across a crowded room. Or lawn, in fact. 1321 01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:19,480 Doesn't matter. 1322 01:14:21,160 --> 01:14:23,080 Nothing either of us can do on this one. 1323 01:14:23,080 --> 01:14:24,320 Such is life. 1324 01:14:29,480 --> 01:14:31,640 Friends isn't... 1325 01:14:31,640 --> 01:14:32,960 ..bad, you know? 1326 01:14:32,960 --> 01:14:35,000 Friends is quite something. 1327 01:14:36,520 --> 01:14:38,040 Oh, Fi. 1328 01:14:44,400 --> 01:14:46,440 HE EXHALES 1329 01:14:49,120 --> 01:14:50,840 It's not all easy, is it? 1330 01:14:52,200 --> 01:14:53,560 No. 1331 01:14:56,160 --> 01:14:58,440 Just forget this business. Not to be. 1332 01:15:02,120 --> 01:15:04,320 Matthew, darling. 1333 01:15:04,320 --> 01:15:06,160 Where's Gareth? 1334 01:15:06,160 --> 01:15:08,280 Torturing Americans. 1335 01:15:08,280 --> 01:15:10,000 How thoughtful of him. 1336 01:15:13,320 --> 01:15:16,280 Do you actually know Oscar Wilde? 1337 01:15:16,280 --> 01:15:19,800 Not personally, no. 1338 01:15:19,800 --> 01:15:24,320 But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you. 1339 01:15:24,320 --> 01:15:25,880 Shall we dance? 1340 01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:28,360 BAND PLAYS COUNTRY MUSIC 1341 01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:36,080 DANCERS WHOOP 1342 01:15:47,640 --> 01:15:49,840 GARETH EXCLAIMS 1343 01:15:54,240 --> 01:15:56,360 WOMAN EXCLAIMS 1344 01:16:09,640 --> 01:16:12,400 Well, any rings on fingers? 1345 01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:14,720 Oh, Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are. 1346 01:16:14,720 --> 01:16:17,120 Finding someone to marry is a very tricky business. 1347 01:16:17,120 --> 01:16:18,920 It's hell out there. 1348 01:16:18,920 --> 01:16:21,840 Matthew's trapped with an evangelist from Minnesota. 1349 01:16:24,840 --> 01:16:27,840 My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, 1350 01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:29,920 please charge your glasses. 1351 01:16:29,920 --> 01:16:33,200 First, and rather unusually, we have the bride. 1352 01:16:33,200 --> 01:16:35,560 APPLAUSE 1353 01:16:35,560 --> 01:16:37,600 Excellent. I love this girl. 1354 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,800 CARRIE: Thank you. 1355 01:16:40,800 --> 01:16:42,320 First of all, I'd like to thank all of you 1356 01:16:42,320 --> 01:16:43,880 who've flown in from the States. 1357 01:16:43,880 --> 01:16:46,240 I'm really touched. 1358 01:16:46,240 --> 01:16:48,960 And, as for the rest of you, I would have thought 1359 01:16:48,960 --> 01:16:50,960 the fact that lots of frightful Americans were flying in 1360 01:16:50,960 --> 01:16:53,520 was the perfect excuse for staying away, so I thank you, too. 1361 01:16:53,520 --> 01:16:55,600 THEY ALL LAUGH 1362 01:16:57,520 --> 01:17:00,080 If my darling dad had been here today, 1363 01:17:00,080 --> 01:17:02,480 he would have been speaking now. 1364 01:17:02,480 --> 01:17:04,200 And I know what he would have said. 1365 01:17:04,200 --> 01:17:05,880 "Great dress, babe, 1366 01:17:05,880 --> 01:17:08,240 "but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?" 1367 01:17:08,240 --> 01:17:10,320 LAUGHTER 1368 01:17:12,520 --> 01:17:16,640 And I would have given him the same answer that I give you. 1369 01:17:16,640 --> 01:17:18,600 "Because I love him." 1370 01:17:18,600 --> 01:17:22,160 As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad, 1371 01:17:22,160 --> 01:17:25,560 "Love is the answer. And you know that for sure." 1372 01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:29,040 APPLAUSE 1373 01:17:30,160 --> 01:17:33,640 Oh, oh, and one more thing. 1374 01:17:33,640 --> 01:17:35,720 Someone had told me here, confidentially, 1375 01:17:35,720 --> 01:17:37,840 that if things with Hamish didn't work out, that he would step in. 1376 01:17:37,840 --> 01:17:40,400 I just wanted to say thanks, and I'll keep you posted. 1377 01:17:40,400 --> 01:17:43,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1378 01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:47,520 Bravo! 1379 01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:51,080 MAN: And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Hamish Banks. 1380 01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:53,760 APPLAUSE 1381 01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:59,760 Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years 1382 01:17:59,760 --> 01:18:01,840 has gotten used to being upstaged by a woman. 1383 01:18:01,840 --> 01:18:03,960 LAUGHTER 1384 01:18:03,960 --> 01:18:07,040 HAMISH: I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day. 1385 01:18:07,040 --> 01:18:09,680 However, I must also say 1386 01:18:09,680 --> 01:18:12,120 that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by 1387 01:18:12,120 --> 01:18:14,440 this woman for the rest of my life. BOTTLES SHATTER 1388 01:18:14,440 --> 01:18:16,360 Oh, dear, is that some barracking at the back? 1389 01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:18,480 Again, something we politicians are used to. 1390 01:18:19,520 --> 01:18:22,360 CHARLES: Find a doctor. Right. OK. 1391 01:18:22,360 --> 01:18:25,000 First of all, I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids. 1392 01:18:25,000 --> 01:18:27,240 You did your duty superbly. 1393 01:18:27,240 --> 01:18:29,240 And, obviously, I intend to use you 1394 01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:31,000 every time I get married from now on. 1395 01:18:31,000 --> 01:18:33,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1396 01:18:37,560 --> 01:18:41,360 HAMISH: And also, I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish 1397 01:18:41,360 --> 01:18:43,480 who did the flowers in the church. 1398 01:18:43,480 --> 01:18:47,680 This stern old building took on a look of flushed youth today... 1399 01:18:50,800 --> 01:18:53,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1400 01:18:55,520 --> 01:18:58,720 I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline. 1401 01:18:58,720 --> 01:19:02,960 I thought to myself, "If by any chance she's short-sighted... 1402 01:19:04,240 --> 01:19:06,840 "..I might just be happy for the rest of my life." 1403 01:19:06,840 --> 01:19:08,880 LAUGHTER 1404 01:19:08,880 --> 01:19:11,200 I thought I could see my future for the first time. 1405 01:19:11,200 --> 01:19:13,720 It was a joyful one, 1406 01:19:13,720 --> 01:19:17,240 for years and years to come. 1407 01:19:17,240 --> 01:19:19,680 APPLAUSE 1408 01:19:22,720 --> 01:19:26,320 ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow 1409 01:19:26,320 --> 01:19:29,320 # For they are jolly good fellows 1410 01:19:29,320 --> 01:19:34,080 # For they are jolly good fellows 1411 01:19:34,080 --> 01:19:36,960 # And so say all of us. # 1412 01:19:56,920 --> 01:19:59,400 ENGINE STARTS 1413 01:20:44,080 --> 01:20:45,920 Good morning, 1414 01:20:45,920 --> 01:20:49,000 and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day. 1415 01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:51,600 Our service will begin in a few minutes. 1416 01:20:51,600 --> 01:20:54,480 But first we have asked Matthew, 1417 01:20:54,480 --> 01:20:57,880 Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words. 1418 01:21:06,960 --> 01:21:10,000 Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. 1419 01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:13,840 He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony 1420 01:21:13,840 --> 01:21:16,600 one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. 1421 01:21:16,600 --> 01:21:18,640 THEY CHUCKLE SOFTLY 1422 01:21:19,600 --> 01:21:20,840 In order to prepare this speech, 1423 01:21:20,840 --> 01:21:23,400 I rang a few people to get a general picture 1424 01:21:23,400 --> 01:21:26,160 of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. 1425 01:21:28,680 --> 01:21:32,120 "Fat" seems to have been a word people most connected with him. 1426 01:21:34,600 --> 01:21:37,280 "Terribly rude" also rang a lot of bells. 1427 01:21:39,160 --> 01:21:43,360 "So very fat and very rude" seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint. 1428 01:21:44,880 --> 01:21:46,480 On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough 1429 01:21:46,480 --> 01:21:48,840 to ring me and let me know that you loved him, 1430 01:21:48,840 --> 01:21:51,160 which I know he would have been thrilled to hear. 1431 01:21:52,360 --> 01:21:54,600 You remember his fabulous hospitality. 1432 01:21:55,880 --> 01:21:57,960 His strange experimental cooking. 1433 01:21:59,720 --> 01:22:02,080 The recipe for Duck a la Banana, 1434 01:22:02,080 --> 01:22:04,400 fortunately, goes with him to his grave. 1435 01:22:05,880 --> 01:22:07,160 Most of all... 1436 01:22:08,200 --> 01:22:10,600 ..you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. 1437 01:22:10,600 --> 01:22:13,000 And when joyful... 1438 01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:16,720 When joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness. 1439 01:22:19,120 --> 01:22:22,000 But I hope joyful is how you will remember him. 1440 01:22:24,480 --> 01:22:26,880 Not stuck in a box in a church. 1441 01:22:30,200 --> 01:22:33,120 Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. 1442 01:22:34,480 --> 01:22:38,160 The most splendid, replete... 1443 01:22:39,400 --> 01:22:40,800 ..big-hearted... 1444 01:22:43,240 --> 01:22:45,840 Weak-hearted, as it turned out, 1445 01:22:45,840 --> 01:22:48,280 and jolly bugger most of us ever met. 1446 01:22:51,680 --> 01:22:54,520 As for me, you may ask how I will remember him. 1447 01:22:56,360 --> 01:22:57,880 What I thought of him. 1448 01:23:02,640 --> 01:23:05,080 Unfortunately, there I run out of words. 1449 01:23:08,600 --> 01:23:10,960 Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings 1450 01:23:10,960 --> 01:23:14,160 to the words of another splendid bugger, 1451 01:23:14,160 --> 01:23:15,600 WH Auden. 1452 01:23:16,840 --> 01:23:18,880 This is actually what I want to say. 1453 01:23:22,480 --> 01:23:24,360 "Stop all the clocks, 1454 01:23:24,360 --> 01:23:26,080 "cut off the telephone. 1455 01:23:27,280 --> 01:23:30,440 "Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. 1456 01:23:32,600 --> 01:23:35,760 "Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum, 1457 01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:37,680 "bring out the coffin... 1458 01:23:38,640 --> 01:23:40,200 "..let the mourners come. 1459 01:23:41,800 --> 01:23:44,680 "Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead. 1460 01:23:44,680 --> 01:23:46,440 "Scribbling on the sky the message... 1461 01:23:47,400 --> 01:23:48,920 "'He is dead.' 1462 01:23:50,520 --> 01:23:54,000 "Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves. 1463 01:23:56,280 --> 01:23:58,960 "Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 1464 01:24:01,280 --> 01:24:04,720 "He was my north, my south, my east and west. 1465 01:24:06,320 --> 01:24:09,600 "My working week and my Sunday rest. 1466 01:24:11,400 --> 01:24:15,480 "My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. 1467 01:24:18,120 --> 01:24:20,240 "I thought that love would last forever... 1468 01:24:21,960 --> 01:24:23,520 VOICE BREAKING: "..I was wrong. 1469 01:24:27,440 --> 01:24:29,720 "The stars are not wanted now... 1470 01:24:30,760 --> 01:24:32,280 "..put out every one. 1471 01:24:34,440 --> 01:24:36,800 "Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. 1472 01:24:39,760 --> 01:24:42,160 "Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. 1473 01:24:44,480 --> 01:24:47,400 "For nothing now can ever come to any good." 1474 01:25:07,240 --> 01:25:08,720 MAN: Bye, now. 1475 01:25:12,280 --> 01:25:14,120 FIONA: I'll take you home, Scarlett. 1476 01:25:23,560 --> 01:25:25,680 It was good of you to come. 1477 01:25:25,680 --> 01:25:27,920 Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history. 1478 01:25:27,920 --> 01:25:30,320 No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time. 1479 01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:37,320 You know, that thing you said in the street? 1480 01:25:37,320 --> 01:25:38,960 Yes. I'm sorry about that. 1481 01:25:38,960 --> 01:25:40,680 No, I liked it. 1482 01:25:40,680 --> 01:25:42,280 I liked you saying it. 1483 01:25:53,720 --> 01:25:56,080 Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right? 1484 01:25:56,080 --> 01:25:57,800 Yeah. 1485 01:25:57,800 --> 01:25:59,280 Darling Fi. 1486 01:26:07,680 --> 01:26:09,520 Walk, Charlie? 1487 01:26:09,520 --> 01:26:12,360 Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand. 1488 01:26:15,280 --> 01:26:16,600 Never felt like that. 1489 01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:20,200 I mean, something vaguely similar for Jilly, 1490 01:26:20,200 --> 01:26:22,000 when I was young. 1491 01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:23,680 Jilly? 1492 01:26:23,680 --> 01:26:25,080 Labrador. 1493 01:26:27,160 --> 01:26:29,680 Yes, it's odd, isn't it? 1494 01:26:29,680 --> 01:26:31,720 All these years we've been single and proud of it, 1495 01:26:31,720 --> 01:26:33,520 and we never noticed that two of us were, 1496 01:26:33,520 --> 01:26:36,920 to all intents and purposes, married all this time. 1497 01:26:36,920 --> 01:26:38,560 Traitors in our midst. 1498 01:26:43,120 --> 01:26:46,920 You know, in a way, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you? 1499 01:26:46,920 --> 01:26:49,080 I hope I die before my children. 1500 01:26:49,080 --> 01:26:50,640 Tom, 1501 01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:53,920 there's one thing I find really... 1502 01:26:56,560 --> 01:26:58,000 Well... 1503 01:26:58,000 --> 01:27:00,400 It's your total confidence that you will get married. 1504 01:27:00,400 --> 01:27:03,960 I mean, what if you never find the right girl? 1505 01:27:03,960 --> 01:27:05,600 Sorry? 1506 01:27:05,600 --> 01:27:09,160 Surely, if that service shows anything... 1507 01:27:09,160 --> 01:27:11,880 ..it shows that there is such a thing as a perfect match. 1508 01:27:11,880 --> 01:27:15,680 If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, then... 1509 01:27:15,680 --> 01:27:17,800 ..maybe we should just let it go. 1510 01:27:17,800 --> 01:27:20,400 Some of us are not going to get married. 1511 01:27:20,400 --> 01:27:22,320 Well, I don't know, Charlie. 1512 01:27:23,680 --> 01:27:26,120 The truth is, unlike you, 1513 01:27:26,120 --> 01:27:29,200 I never expected the thunderbolt. 1514 01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:33,000 I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl, 1515 01:27:33,000 --> 01:27:34,440 like the look of her. 1516 01:27:34,440 --> 01:27:37,640 Hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick. 1517 01:27:37,640 --> 01:27:42,240 Then pop the question and settle down and be happy. 1518 01:27:43,720 --> 01:27:45,320 It worked for my parents. 1519 01:27:45,320 --> 01:27:47,560 Well, apart from the divorce and all that. 1520 01:27:47,560 --> 01:27:50,160 I give you six months at the outside, Tom. 1521 01:27:51,800 --> 01:27:53,400 Yeah, maybe you're right. 1522 01:27:54,720 --> 01:27:58,360 Maybe all this "waiting for one true love" stuff 1523 01:27:58,360 --> 01:28:00,040 gets you nowhere. 1524 01:28:02,560 --> 01:28:05,040 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 1525 01:28:08,640 --> 01:28:10,680 ALARM STOPS 1526 01:28:10,680 --> 01:28:13,320 DIFFERENT ALARM CLOCK RINGS 1527 01:28:13,320 --> 01:28:16,080 Hmm? MULTIPLE ALARMS RING 1528 01:28:17,200 --> 01:28:19,120 What the fuck is going on? 1529 01:28:19,120 --> 01:28:21,720 HE EXCLAIMS 1530 01:28:23,720 --> 01:28:26,200 I thought we better make absolutely sure we weren't late. 1531 01:28:27,760 --> 01:28:29,920 Excellent wedding hairstyle, by the way. 1532 01:28:33,320 --> 01:28:37,040 CHARLES: Matthew, the best-looking best man in the world. 1533 01:28:37,040 --> 01:28:38,400 Listen. 1534 01:28:39,880 --> 01:28:41,520 Thank you for doing this today. 1535 01:28:41,520 --> 01:28:42,720 Of course. 1536 01:28:45,920 --> 01:28:47,520 I wish Gareth was here. 1537 01:28:48,880 --> 01:28:50,480 Bet he does, too. 1538 01:28:53,600 --> 01:28:55,200 I'm sorry I was so late. 1539 01:28:55,200 --> 01:28:56,800 The others are just parking the car. 1540 01:28:56,800 --> 01:28:59,120 I thought we'd all go with Tom. 1541 01:28:59,120 --> 01:29:01,040 Late? So late? 1542 01:29:01,040 --> 01:29:02,840 Yeah, it's 9.45. 1543 01:29:02,840 --> 01:29:04,200 9:45? 1544 01:29:04,200 --> 01:29:06,720 Yep, 45 minutes till "I do." 1545 01:29:07,680 --> 01:29:10,800 Bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for 8.00. 1546 01:29:10,800 --> 01:29:11,920 Fuck! 1547 01:29:16,920 --> 01:29:18,480 Scarlett? 1548 01:29:18,480 --> 01:29:19,600 Oh, hi. 1549 01:29:19,600 --> 01:29:20,920 You ready? 1550 01:29:20,920 --> 01:29:23,400 Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds. 1551 01:29:27,960 --> 01:29:30,200 TYRES SCREECH 1552 01:29:32,840 --> 01:29:34,000 Time? Honestly? 1553 01:29:34,000 --> 01:29:35,600 Yes! Time? 1554 01:29:35,600 --> 01:29:37,960 It's about ten to nine. 1555 01:29:35,600 --> 01:29:37,960 CHARLES EXCLAIMS 1556 01:29:39,200 --> 01:29:41,520 THEY CHUCKLE 1557 01:29:46,520 --> 01:29:49,120 THEY CHUCKLE 1558 01:29:54,800 --> 01:29:56,080 Bastards. 1559 01:29:56,080 --> 01:29:58,280 THEY LAUGH 1560 01:29:58,280 --> 01:30:01,840 WOMAN: Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please. 1561 01:30:01,840 --> 01:30:04,040 GIRLS GIGGLE 1562 01:30:05,600 --> 01:30:08,160 SCARLETT: One, two, three, smile! 1563 01:30:10,800 --> 01:30:12,480 TOM: This is splendid tuck. 1564 01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:15,480 Yes, I think I might say a little word. 1565 01:30:15,480 --> 01:30:18,760 Well, as many of you know, I have been a close observer 1566 01:30:18,760 --> 01:30:20,680 of Charles' love life for many years now. 1567 01:30:20,680 --> 01:30:23,520 But recently, I'd started to despair and fear 1568 01:30:23,520 --> 01:30:26,240 that really he was married to us lot - apart from the fact 1569 01:30:26,240 --> 01:30:27,720 that we won't have his babies. 1570 01:30:27,720 --> 01:30:29,000 I don't know about that. 1571 01:30:29,000 --> 01:30:30,760 Fortunately, it's all turned out splendidly. 1572 01:30:30,760 --> 01:30:33,320 The girl in question is, sadly, crazy, 1573 01:30:33,320 --> 01:30:35,280 but perhaps that's why he loves her. 1574 01:30:35,280 --> 01:30:38,440 So I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl 1575 01:30:38,440 --> 01:30:40,080 on this tragic day. 1576 01:30:40,080 --> 01:30:42,600 So be happy and don't forget us. 1577 01:30:42,600 --> 01:30:43,720 CHARLES: Thank you. 1578 01:30:43,720 --> 01:30:45,440 To Charles and Duckface. 1579 01:30:45,440 --> 01:30:47,840 ALL: To Charles and Duckface! 1580 01:30:53,640 --> 01:30:55,720 What do you think? You look divine. 1581 01:30:55,720 --> 01:30:57,520 It does work, doesn't it? 1582 01:30:57,520 --> 01:30:59,240 Yes! 1583 01:31:01,320 --> 01:31:03,600 Well, I'd like to thank Fiona for those charming words 1584 01:31:03,600 --> 01:31:05,160 about my future wife. 1585 01:31:05,160 --> 01:31:07,120 And I'd like to take this opportunity, before the day starts, 1586 01:31:07,120 --> 01:31:09,680 to read a little message from her to you all. 1587 01:31:09,680 --> 01:31:11,480 This is exciting. 1588 01:31:11,480 --> 01:31:14,800 She says, "Any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you." 1589 01:31:14,800 --> 01:31:17,640 I think that's rather a nice touch. 1590 01:31:19,480 --> 01:31:21,880 TOM LAUGHS 1591 01:31:19,480 --> 01:31:21,880 "I'll set the dogs on you"! 1592 01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:24,840 MATTHEW: John, hi. 1593 01:31:25,880 --> 01:31:27,920 You made it. Good. Oh, yes. 1594 01:31:27,920 --> 01:31:29,400 I hope me damn sister turns up. 1595 01:31:29,400 --> 01:31:31,280 Not much of a wedding without a bride. 1596 01:31:31,280 --> 01:31:33,040 Tom. 1597 01:31:33,040 --> 01:31:34,400 Charlie. John. 1598 01:31:34,400 --> 01:31:36,560 Bit of a poor show, you not having a stag night. 1599 01:31:36,560 --> 01:31:38,280 Oh, we did, we did. we did... 1600 01:31:38,280 --> 01:31:41,680 We didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age, so... 1601 01:31:41,680 --> 01:31:43,160 Really? Mm-hm. 1602 01:31:55,680 --> 01:31:57,520 FOOTSTEPS APPROACH 1603 01:32:02,800 --> 01:32:05,280 Fi, you do look lovely today. 1604 01:32:05,280 --> 01:32:08,360 Yes, as you can see, I've abandoned my traditional black. 1605 01:32:08,360 --> 01:32:10,480 HE CHUCKLES 1606 01:32:08,360 --> 01:32:10,480 Yes, so you have. 1607 01:32:10,480 --> 01:32:13,040 From now on, I shall be all the colours of the rainbow 1608 01:32:13,040 --> 01:32:15,880 and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change. 1609 01:32:17,440 --> 01:32:19,160 Darling Fi. 1610 01:32:25,840 --> 01:32:27,360 Oh, look. 1611 01:32:27,360 --> 01:32:29,120 What? Lipstick everywhere. 1612 01:32:29,120 --> 01:32:30,960 That won't do at all, will it? 1613 01:32:30,960 --> 01:32:33,040 BELLS TOLL 1614 01:32:34,000 --> 01:32:35,200 Hi. Hi. 1615 01:32:38,000 --> 01:32:40,640 INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS 1616 01:32:42,960 --> 01:32:45,960 BELLS CONTINUE TOLLING 1617 01:32:51,600 --> 01:32:52,960 Good luck. 1618 01:32:58,480 --> 01:33:01,160 SCARLETT: Hello. Glad you could come. 1619 01:33:01,160 --> 01:33:02,320 MATTHEW: How are you? 1620 01:33:02,320 --> 01:33:04,880 Groom's on the right, bride's on the left. 1621 01:33:09,440 --> 01:33:12,640 Oh, my God! 1622 01:33:09,440 --> 01:33:12,640 SHE SQUEALS 1623 01:33:15,320 --> 01:33:18,600 HE GRUNTS I thought you'd gone back to Texas! 1624 01:33:18,600 --> 01:33:20,560 Without you, never. 1625 01:33:24,760 --> 01:33:25,800 Good luck. 1626 01:33:30,360 --> 01:33:32,080 Bride or groom? 1627 01:33:34,440 --> 01:33:36,720 Bride or groom? 1628 01:33:36,720 --> 01:33:40,000 It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither! 1629 01:33:40,000 --> 01:33:41,600 Great God! 1630 01:33:41,600 --> 01:33:43,720 Bride or groom? 1631 01:33:43,720 --> 01:33:45,040 Bride. 1632 01:33:54,560 --> 01:33:58,000 Yes...fine. 1633 01:34:00,880 --> 01:34:03,360 You know, I've got a feeling we've met before. 1634 01:34:03,360 --> 01:34:04,720 We have. 1635 01:34:04,720 --> 01:34:07,000 About 25 years ago. 1636 01:34:07,000 --> 01:34:10,280 I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre. You're Tom. 1637 01:34:10,280 --> 01:34:11,880 Good Lord! 1638 01:34:11,880 --> 01:34:14,320 So you're family? Yes. 1639 01:34:15,360 --> 01:34:16,680 Only very distant. 1640 01:34:16,680 --> 01:34:19,120 Well, yes, of course. 1641 01:34:20,840 --> 01:34:23,400 STUTTERING: You said you were... 1642 01:34:23,400 --> 01:34:25,080 ..bride? Yes. 1643 01:34:25,080 --> 01:34:27,440 Well, do sit. 1644 01:34:27,440 --> 01:34:29,960 Do sit here, Deirdre. 1645 01:34:34,160 --> 01:34:35,520 Golly! 1646 01:34:36,720 --> 01:34:38,080 Thunderbolt city. 1647 01:34:39,480 --> 01:34:40,760 BERNARD: Hello, Matthew. 1648 01:34:41,760 --> 01:34:43,200 Hello, Charles. 1649 01:34:43,200 --> 01:34:44,600 Bernard, how are you? 1650 01:34:44,600 --> 01:34:46,160 Exhausted, actually. 1651 01:34:46,160 --> 01:34:48,920 That's funny. Charles. Hi, Lyds. 1652 01:34:54,880 --> 01:34:56,680 Hi. Hi. 1653 01:34:58,600 --> 01:35:00,640 You look lovely. 1654 01:35:00,640 --> 01:35:03,160 But then, as you know, I always did like you dressed for weddings. 1655 01:35:03,160 --> 01:35:04,360 And on time! 1656 01:35:04,360 --> 01:35:06,920 Yep! Extraordinary thing, isn't it? 1657 01:35:06,920 --> 01:35:08,160 How's Hamish? 1658 01:35:08,160 --> 01:35:11,400 Oh, he's fine, I believe. 1659 01:35:11,400 --> 01:35:13,200 You believe? 1660 01:35:13,200 --> 01:35:15,800 Well, yes, he wasn't the man for me after all. 1661 01:35:18,960 --> 01:35:20,360 You left him? 1662 01:35:20,360 --> 01:35:21,920 We left each other. 1663 01:35:24,600 --> 01:35:25,920 When? 1664 01:35:25,920 --> 01:35:28,480 Oh, a few months now. 1665 01:35:28,480 --> 01:35:30,600 March was hell. 1666 01:35:30,600 --> 01:35:32,440 By April, it was sorted. 1667 01:35:32,440 --> 01:35:35,040 That's absolutely the last time I marry someone three times my age. 1668 01:35:35,040 --> 01:35:37,760 MATTHEW: Charlie? Charles, time to travel. 1669 01:35:38,880 --> 01:35:40,200 Yeah. Yeah. 1670 01:35:42,640 --> 01:35:44,400 Coming. Good. 1671 01:35:44,400 --> 01:35:45,680 Good. 1672 01:35:47,960 --> 01:35:50,400 So why didn't you get in touch, then? 1673 01:35:50,400 --> 01:35:52,240 I did think about it. 1674 01:35:52,240 --> 01:35:54,840 I wanted to, but... 1675 01:35:54,840 --> 01:35:56,440 ..I was in a state. 1676 01:35:58,000 --> 01:35:59,720 So anyway... 1677 01:35:59,720 --> 01:36:01,000 ..I don't want to keep you. 1678 01:36:01,960 --> 01:36:04,720 And I'll see you afterwards. 1679 01:36:04,720 --> 01:36:06,480 Yeah. Fine, excellent. 1680 01:36:06,480 --> 01:36:07,760 Wait. 1681 01:36:12,840 --> 01:36:14,760 I'll show you to your seat. 1682 01:36:16,240 --> 01:36:18,200 Just showing her to her seat. 1683 01:36:30,880 --> 01:36:33,600 Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it? 1684 01:36:33,600 --> 01:36:35,800 It's been bad, yes. 1685 01:36:35,800 --> 01:36:38,160 It's been a disaster. 1686 01:36:38,160 --> 01:36:40,120 It has, as you say, been... 1687 01:36:41,840 --> 01:36:43,760 ..very bad indeed. 1688 01:36:47,640 --> 01:36:49,600 God, it's lovely to see you. 1689 01:36:51,960 --> 01:36:53,680 Well, good luck. 1690 01:36:54,640 --> 01:36:56,160 It's pretty easy. 1691 01:36:56,160 --> 01:36:59,040 Just say "I do" whenever anyone asks you a question. 1692 01:37:04,880 --> 01:37:06,080 Um... 1693 01:37:08,280 --> 01:37:10,440 Could you just give me a sec, Matthew? 1694 01:37:11,600 --> 01:37:14,320 Yes, of course. Freshen up at will. 1695 01:37:32,320 --> 01:37:33,840 Dear Lord... 1696 01:37:34,960 --> 01:37:38,000 ..forgive me for what I'm about to... 1697 01:37:39,280 --> 01:37:43,200 ..say in this magnificent place of worship. 1698 01:37:44,680 --> 01:37:45,920 Bugger! 1699 01:37:47,880 --> 01:37:49,200 Bugger! 1700 01:37:50,400 --> 01:37:53,600 Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! 1701 01:37:56,080 --> 01:37:58,160 Can I help at all? 1702 01:37:58,160 --> 01:38:00,560 Huh? No. Thanks. 1703 01:38:00,560 --> 01:38:02,640 HE CHUCKLES 1704 01:38:00,560 --> 01:38:02,640 Sorry. 1705 01:38:02,640 --> 01:38:06,200 Um, vocal exercises. Big church. 1706 01:38:06,200 --> 01:38:08,440 Excellent. Often do the same myself. 1707 01:38:08,440 --> 01:38:11,000 Uh, not exactly the same vocab, obviously. 1708 01:38:11,000 --> 01:38:13,520 Rather more hallelujahs. 1709 01:38:11,000 --> 01:38:13,520 HE CHUCKLES 1710 01:38:13,520 --> 01:38:15,000 I'll leave you. 1711 01:38:17,040 --> 01:38:19,520 BELLS TOLL 1712 01:38:29,520 --> 01:38:31,600 BABY BABBLES 1713 01:38:33,120 --> 01:38:34,560 Bride's arriving. 1714 01:38:34,560 --> 01:38:37,000 Fabulous! We seem to have lost the groom. 1715 01:38:38,000 --> 01:38:39,440 Ah, do you want to see if you can stall her, 1716 01:38:39,440 --> 01:38:41,400 and I'll see if I can find him. Roger. Wilko. 1717 01:38:48,200 --> 01:38:50,360 MATTHEW KNOCKS 1718 01:38:48,200 --> 01:38:50,360 Charles? 1719 01:38:50,360 --> 01:38:51,560 Hmm? 1720 01:38:52,520 --> 01:38:53,920 It's good to see you. 1721 01:38:57,080 --> 01:38:58,720 Yeah. Yeah. 1722 01:38:59,680 --> 01:39:01,120 Um... 1723 01:39:01,120 --> 01:39:02,720 Matt, what do we... 1724 01:39:02,720 --> 01:39:05,040 ..think about marriage? 1725 01:39:05,040 --> 01:39:07,040 Oh, gosh, uh... 1726 01:39:08,080 --> 01:39:10,960 Well, I think it's really good... Hmm. 1727 01:39:10,960 --> 01:39:14,400 ..if you love the person with all your heart. 1728 01:39:14,400 --> 01:39:16,720 Well, exactly. 1729 01:39:16,720 --> 01:39:18,080 Quite. 1730 01:39:20,720 --> 01:39:25,040 All these weddings, all these years... 1731 01:39:26,200 --> 01:39:29,400 ..all that blasted salmon and champagne. 1732 01:39:29,400 --> 01:39:31,240 Here I am on my own wedding day, 1733 01:39:31,240 --> 01:39:33,160 and I'm... 1734 01:39:33,160 --> 01:39:35,880 ..still thinking. 1735 01:39:35,880 --> 01:39:38,200 Can I ask about what? 1736 01:39:38,200 --> 01:39:39,880 Um... 1737 01:39:40,960 --> 01:39:42,800 No. 1738 01:39:42,800 --> 01:39:44,440 No, I think best not. 1739 01:39:45,520 --> 01:39:47,440 I'm terribly sorry, there's a bit of a delay. 1740 01:39:47,440 --> 01:39:49,800 There's a slight problem with the flowers. Flowers? What? 1741 01:39:49,800 --> 01:39:52,200 Unfortunately, there seems to be a staggeringly 1742 01:39:52,200 --> 01:39:54,160 high proportion of hay fever sufferers on the congregation 1743 01:39:54,160 --> 01:39:56,080 and they've been stuck right next to the damn flowers. 1744 01:39:56,080 --> 01:39:58,920 So we're just moving them - the congregation. 1745 01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:00,240 Don't want the damn vows to be 1746 01:40:00,240 --> 01:40:01,640 obliterated by the sound of sneezing. 1747 01:40:01,640 --> 01:40:03,400 Charles, would it be out of place for me to say 1748 01:40:03,400 --> 01:40:05,000 that time is ticking by? 1749 01:40:05,000 --> 01:40:07,120 HE SLAMS THE TABLE 1750 01:40:24,440 --> 01:40:26,480 THEY WHISPER 1751 01:40:26,480 --> 01:40:28,120 Should've started by now. 1752 01:40:30,640 --> 01:40:32,160 I think I've fooled them so far. 1753 01:40:32,160 --> 01:40:34,080 The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid, 1754 01:40:34,080 --> 01:40:35,720 people are less suspicious of you. 1755 01:40:56,400 --> 01:40:58,760 KNOCKING ON DOOR 1756 01:40:56,400 --> 01:40:58,760 Hello. 1757 01:41:00,480 --> 01:41:01,880 Here you are. 1758 01:41:01,880 --> 01:41:03,600 Ready to face the enemy? 1759 01:41:05,480 --> 01:41:06,800 Are we? 1760 01:41:10,960 --> 01:41:12,280 Yes. 1761 01:41:14,160 --> 01:41:15,480 Excellent. 1762 01:41:38,160 --> 01:41:40,280 WEDDING MARCH PLAYS 1763 01:42:08,360 --> 01:42:10,000 HENRIETTA: Not so tight, Dad! 1764 01:42:35,000 --> 01:42:37,040 WEDDING MARCH ENDS 1765 01:42:38,000 --> 01:42:39,440 Dearly beloved, 1766 01:42:39,440 --> 01:42:42,160 we are gathered together here in the sight of God 1767 01:42:42,160 --> 01:42:44,880 and in the face of this congregation 1768 01:42:44,880 --> 01:42:48,560 to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, 1769 01:42:48,560 --> 01:42:50,800 which is an honourable estate 1770 01:42:50,800 --> 01:42:53,840 instituted of God in the time of man's innocence. 1771 01:42:53,840 --> 01:42:56,400 Signifying unto us the mystical union 1772 01:42:56,400 --> 01:42:59,600 that is betwixt Christ and His church, 1773 01:42:59,600 --> 01:43:02,880 and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, 1774 01:43:02,880 --> 01:43:06,440 nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, 1775 01:43:06,440 --> 01:43:11,320 but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, 1776 01:43:11,320 --> 01:43:13,200 and in the fear of God. 1777 01:43:14,280 --> 01:43:16,720 Therefore, if any man can show any just cause 1778 01:43:16,720 --> 01:43:19,440 why they may not lawfully be joined together 1779 01:43:19,440 --> 01:43:24,160 let him speak now, or else hereafter forever hold his peace. 1780 01:43:26,240 --> 01:43:28,560 KNOCKING 1781 01:43:28,560 --> 01:43:31,400 I'm sorry, does someone have something to say? 1782 01:43:38,040 --> 01:43:39,440 Yes? What is it? 1783 01:43:39,440 --> 01:43:40,720 WHISPERS: It's David, I think. 1784 01:43:42,000 --> 01:43:43,800 One second. 1785 01:43:53,960 --> 01:43:55,320 What's going on, Charles? 1786 01:43:55,320 --> 01:43:56,400 Charles, what? 1787 01:43:57,800 --> 01:43:59,680 He wants me to... 1788 01:43:59,680 --> 01:44:01,400 translate what he's saying. 1789 01:44:01,400 --> 01:44:03,600 What is he saying? 1790 01:44:05,840 --> 01:44:07,840 He says, "I suspect the groom is having doubts. 1791 01:44:09,520 --> 01:44:11,800 "I suspect the groom would like to delay." 1792 01:44:13,360 --> 01:44:16,080 "I suspect the groom... 1793 01:44:16,080 --> 01:44:17,600 "I suspect the groom..." 1794 01:44:29,560 --> 01:44:31,200 What's he saying? 1795 01:44:33,920 --> 01:44:35,360 He says.. 1796 01:44:36,400 --> 01:44:37,920 ..he suspects the groom... 1797 01:44:39,280 --> 01:44:40,720 ..loves someone else. 1798 01:44:40,720 --> 01:44:42,760 GUEST MURMUR 1799 01:44:42,760 --> 01:44:45,680 And do you? Do you love someone else? 1800 01:44:45,680 --> 01:44:47,160 Do you, Charles? 1801 01:44:58,360 --> 01:45:00,760 I do. 1802 01:44:58,360 --> 01:45:00,760 HENRIETTA YELLS 1803 01:45:00,760 --> 01:45:03,000 CROWD GROAN 1804 01:45:03,000 --> 01:45:05,280 HENRIETTA SCREAMS 1805 01:45:05,280 --> 01:45:07,880 Get out of my way! Let me kill him! 1806 01:45:12,880 --> 01:45:15,000 THUNDER RUMBLES 1807 01:45:17,360 --> 01:45:18,440 Blimey. 1808 01:45:20,560 --> 01:45:23,240 At least it's one we won't forget. 1809 01:45:23,240 --> 01:45:26,120 I mean, lot of weddings just blend into each other, don't they? 1810 01:45:26,120 --> 01:45:27,520 Oh, for God's sake! 1811 01:45:27,520 --> 01:45:29,760 But this one that will really stick out in the memory. 1812 01:45:29,760 --> 01:45:32,280 For not actually including a wedding service. 1813 01:45:32,280 --> 01:45:34,240 FIONA: Poor girl. 1814 01:45:34,240 --> 01:45:35,720 No, I mean it, poor girl! 1815 01:45:35,720 --> 01:45:37,600 I mean, she's not my favourite person in the world, but I think 1816 01:45:37,600 --> 01:45:39,440 that may have been an unforgivable thing that you did today. 1817 01:45:39,440 --> 01:45:41,320 I can't bear to think about it. 1818 01:45:42,640 --> 01:45:44,240 Poor Hen. 1819 01:45:44,240 --> 01:45:46,320 TOM: Though, let's face facts. 1820 01:45:46,320 --> 01:45:48,520 I mean, if you weren't sure you 1821 01:45:48,520 --> 01:45:51,280 wanted to marry her today of all days, 1822 01:45:51,280 --> 01:45:53,480 ie, your wedding day... 1823 01:45:54,960 --> 01:45:57,160 ..then it must be the right decision, mustn't it? 1824 01:45:58,960 --> 01:46:00,720 Quite right, Tom. 1825 01:46:00,720 --> 01:46:03,440 It was a lovely dress. I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties. 1826 01:46:07,200 --> 01:46:09,320 What did he say, Charles? 1827 01:46:09,320 --> 01:46:10,840 Says he blames himself. 1828 01:46:10,840 --> 01:46:13,920 TOM: Oh, absolutely not. MATTHEW: No, you mustn't, David. 1829 01:46:15,800 --> 01:46:17,840 DOORBELL RINGS 1830 01:46:17,840 --> 01:46:20,600 No, no, no. If there's music to be faced, 1831 01:46:20,600 --> 01:46:22,120 I should be facing it. 1832 01:46:31,280 --> 01:46:32,560 Hello. 1833 01:46:33,520 --> 01:46:36,400 Hi! You're soaking. Come in. No, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. 1834 01:46:36,400 --> 01:46:38,440 Comes a point when you're so wet you can't get any wetter. 1835 01:46:38,440 --> 01:46:41,640 OK, I'll come out. No, please don't. 1836 01:46:41,640 --> 01:46:44,280 I just wanted to check you're OK. 1837 01:46:44,280 --> 01:46:47,360 Not busy killing yourself or anything, but... 1838 01:46:48,880 --> 01:46:50,520 But you're fine, so... 1839 01:46:53,360 --> 01:46:57,400 I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry. 1840 01:46:57,400 --> 01:46:58,840 No! No! 1841 01:46:59,880 --> 01:47:02,000 Wait. It was all my fault. 1842 01:47:02,000 --> 01:47:04,680 I mean, I... I'm the bastard here. 1843 01:47:05,840 --> 01:47:09,040 And it definitely sorted out one thing, which is, marriage and me, 1844 01:47:09,040 --> 01:47:11,400 we're very clearly not meant for one another. 1845 01:47:12,520 --> 01:47:14,280 Sorted out another big thing as well. 1846 01:47:14,280 --> 01:47:17,360 There I was, standing there in the church and... 1847 01:47:17,360 --> 01:47:20,720 ..for the first time in my whole life I realised I... 1848 01:47:20,720 --> 01:47:22,760 ..totally and utterly loved one person. 1849 01:47:23,960 --> 01:47:27,280 And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil, it's... 1850 01:47:28,960 --> 01:47:31,160 ..the person standing opposite me now... 1851 01:47:32,240 --> 01:47:33,720 ..in the rain. 1852 01:47:33,720 --> 01:47:36,280 Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed. 1853 01:47:36,280 --> 01:47:38,360 The truth of it is I've... 1854 01:47:38,360 --> 01:47:40,520 ..loved you from the first second I met you. 1855 01:47:41,680 --> 01:47:43,920 You're not suddenly gonna go away again, are you? 1856 01:47:43,920 --> 01:47:46,080 No. I might drown, 1857 01:47:46,080 --> 01:47:47,640 but otherwise, no. 1858 01:47:47,640 --> 01:47:49,840 OK, OK. We'll go in. 1859 01:47:53,280 --> 01:47:55,600 But first, let me ask you one thing. 1860 01:47:57,640 --> 01:47:58,840 Do you think... 1861 01:47:59,920 --> 01:48:01,320 ..after we've dried off, 1862 01:48:01,320 --> 01:48:04,200 after we've spent lots more time together, 1863 01:48:04,200 --> 01:48:05,680 you might agree... 1864 01:48:07,440 --> 01:48:09,720 ..not to marry me? 1865 01:48:09,720 --> 01:48:11,440 And do you think... 1866 01:48:12,760 --> 01:48:16,640 ..not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider... 1867 01:48:17,760 --> 01:48:19,360 ..doing for the rest of your life? 1868 01:48:24,880 --> 01:48:26,120 Do you? 1869 01:48:28,920 --> 01:48:30,160 I do. 1870 01:48:46,680 --> 01:48:48,960 THUNDER CLAPS 1871 01:48:56,880 --> 01:49:02,040 # Spring is here, the sky is blue 1872 01:49:03,440 --> 01:49:08,800 # Birds will sing as if they knew 1873 01:49:10,000 --> 01:49:15,320 # Today's the day we'll say "I do" 1874 01:49:15,320 --> 01:49:19,880 # And we'll never be lonely any more 1875 01:49:21,400 --> 01:49:25,160 # Because we're going to the chapel 1876 01:49:25,160 --> 01:49:29,200 # And we're gonna get married 1877 01:49:29,200 --> 01:49:31,240 # Going to the chapel 1878 01:49:31,240 --> 01:49:35,760 # And we're gonna get married 1879 01:49:35,760 --> 01:49:38,000 # Gee, I really love you 1880 01:49:38,000 --> 01:49:42,000 # And we're gonna get married 1881 01:49:42,000 --> 01:49:46,640 # Going to the chapel of love 1882 01:49:48,600 --> 01:49:54,160 # Bells will ring, the sun will shine 1883 01:49:55,240 --> 01:50:01,840 # I will be hers, and she'll be mine 1884 01:50:01,840 --> 01:50:06,960 # We'll love until the end of time 1885 01:50:06,960 --> 01:50:12,400 # And we'll never be lonely any more. # 1886 01:50:23,200 --> 01:50:26,640 # I feel it in my fingers 1887 01:50:26,640 --> 01:50:29,920 # I feel it in my toes 1888 01:50:34,280 --> 01:50:37,520 # The love that's all around me 1889 01:50:37,520 --> 01:50:41,120 # And so the feeling grows 1890 01:50:45,240 --> 01:50:48,480 # It's written on the wind 1891 01:50:48,480 --> 01:50:51,760 # It's everywhere I go 1892 01:50:51,760 --> 01:50:54,360 # Oh, yes, it is 1893 01:50:55,920 --> 01:50:59,640 # So if you really love me 1894 01:50:59,640 --> 01:51:04,120 # Come on and let it show 1895 01:51:10,760 --> 01:51:15,880 # You know I love you, I always will 1896 01:51:15,880 --> 01:51:20,720 # My mind's made up by the way that I feel 1897 01:51:20,720 --> 01:51:26,520 # There's no beginning, there'll be no end 1898 01:51:26,520 --> 01:51:32,040 # Cos on my love you can depend. #