This film contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
# They're writing songs of love
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
# But not for me
# A lucky star's above
# But not for me
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
# With love to lead the way
# I've found more clouds are grey
# Than any Russian play could guarantee
# I was a fool to fall
# And get that way
# Heigh-ho, alas, and also lack-a-day
# Although I can't dismiss
# The memory of her kiss
# I guess she's not for me. #
Good morning, Mrs Statons. Good morning, madam.
Thank you.
Late! Late!
At last. Hello!
# It all began so well
# But what an end
# This is the time
# A fellow needs a friend
# When every happy plot
# Ends with a marriage knot
# And there's no knot
# For me. #
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
SHE GROANS
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
ENGINE STALLS
Fuck. Right. We'll take yours.
It only goes 40mph.
ENGINE REVS LOUDLY
What turn-off? Um...
Better not be the B359.
It's the B359.
Fuck it!
TYRES SCREECH
Fuck!
TYRES SCREECH
TRUCK HORN BLARES
Fuck.
CHURCH BELLS TOLL
TYRES SCREECH
Come on.
Fuck!
Fuck. Fuckity-fuck!
Bugger.
SHE LAUGHS
You look so beautiful in white.
Is it twisted?
Hello! You look lovely.
Hello, Charles!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
There's a sort of greatness to your lateness.
Thanks. It's not achieved without real suffering.
I am so, so sorry, Angus. Inexcusable.
I mean, I'll be killing myself after the service,
if that's any consolation. Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.
Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.
And...disastrous haircut.
WHISPERING: Sorry.
As long as you haven't forgotten the rings.
No.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hate people being late.
HE EXCLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY
BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS
Here we go.
Oh, isn't she lovely?
Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue.
Dear friends,
what a joy it is to welcome you to our church
on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura.
Before we start the service,
let us all join together in the first hymn.
ORGAN PLAYS
ALL: # And did those feet in ancient time
# Walk upon England's mountains green?
CHARLES MOUTHS
# And was the holy Lamb of God
# On England's pleasant pastures seen?
# And did the countenance divine
# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
SINGING DROWNS SPEECH
# And was Jerusalem builded here
# Among those dark satanic mills? #
WHISPERS: Scarlett.
INAUDIBLE
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here
in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation
to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Which is an honourable estate
instituted in the time of man's innocency.
Back in a sec.
Therefore, if any man can show any just cause or impediment
why they may not be lawfully joined together,
let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Do you promise to love her, comfort her,
honour and keep her in sickness and in health,
and, forsaking all others,
keep thee only unto her for as long as ye both shall live?
I do.
LAURA: To love and to cherish.
VICAR: Till death us do part.
Till death us do part.
And thereto, I pledge thee my troth.
Do you have the ring?
RINGS CLINK
With this ring, I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow.
And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.
Hmm.
"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
"but have not love,
"I am become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal."
Good point.
BOTH: # You know I can't smile without you
# I can't smile without you
# I can't laugh and I can't sing
# I'm findin' it hard to do anything
# You see, I feel sad when you're sad
# I feel sad
# I feel glad when you're glad
# If you only knew what I'm going through #
ORGAN PLAYS
CHARLES CHUCKLES BABY WAILS
BELLS TOLL
Great hat.
Thanks. I bought it specially.
Thank you, uh...
There.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Get in your position, please.
Thank you. Smile.
Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
I thought, splendid. What did you think?
Splendid. I thought.
Scarlett, what a fabulous dress!
The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange
symbolising the magical symbiosis in marriage
between the heathen and Christian traditions?
That's right.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Lovely. And again. CAMERA CLICKS
Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
FIONA: Name's Carrie.
She's pretty.
American.
Interesting.
Slut.
Really?
Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.
Only goes out with very glamorous people.
Quite out of your league.
Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
PEOPLE CHEER
See you there.
Bye. Off you go. Off you go.
Right. Reception.
WOMAN: Bye! Bye!
SCARLETT: Oh!
SHEEP BLEAT
Anyone else tread in a cowpat?
No. Thought not.
See you in a mo.
Do you think I'd hate him as
much if he wasn't my brother?
GARETH LAUGHS
Don't want to blow my chances for romance
by smelling of dung all the way through the reception.
SHEEP BLEAT, COWS MOO
FIONA: Oh, God. I never know what to say in these wretched line-ups.
GARETH: It's a cinch. Just give a big, warm hug
and say the bride looks pregnant.
MATTHEW: Or you could stick with tradition and go for,
"You must be very proud."
Heaven preserve us.
You must be very proud! Thank you.
Hello! Hello.
Hello.
WOMEN LAUGHING
Hi, we met at the Rowntree's. It's Richard, Richard Maples.
Oh, yes.
Bastard.
Hello, Paul. Hello, Chuck.
Two, please. RICHARD: It was so nice to see you.
You have fun, now. Take care.
Oh, hello!
Hi.
Uh, you want one of these? Oh, thank you.
Um, I... Hello, Charles.
Hello, dear John. How are you? How are you?
Good, good. This is, uh...
Carrie. Carrie.
Delighted. I'm John. Hi, John.
JOHN CHUCKLES
So, John, how's that gorgeous girlfriend of yours?
Oh, she's no longer my girlfriend.
Ah. Oh, dear.
Still, I wouldn't get too gloomy about it.
Rumour has it she never stopped bonking old Toby de Lisle,
just in case you didn't work out.
She's now my wife.
Excellent. Excellent. Congratulations.
Excuse me.
Any kids or anything, John?
Do we hear the patter of tiny...feet?
No.
Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there?
No hurry.
HE GRUNTS
Hi. How are you?
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Oh, my name's Fiona.
Um, I'm Gerald.
What do you do?
I'm training to be a priest.
Good Lord!
Do you do weddings?
No. No, not yet. I will, though, of course.
Jolly nerve-racking.
Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.
Um...
Well, I suppose so.
Though rather less messy, of course, and far less call for condoms.
HE GIGGLES
HE GIGGLES UNCOMFORTABLY
Who's that boy over there in the grey?
Uh, his name's David.
Something of a dish, isn't he?
Well, I've always thought so.
Why are they, uh...
Oh, the dish can't hear. Oh!
Gosh.
Yeah, silent, but deadly attractive.
GONG CLANGS
Dinner is served.
Bang, bang, bang. That's it.
Into the marquee, please, ladies and gentlemen.
Dinner is served.
How do you do?
Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you.
Very exciting.
Hi!
My name's Scarlett. Don't let me drink too much,
because I'll get really flirty.
How do you do? My name is Charles.
Don't be ridiculous! Charles died 20 years ago.
Must be a different Charles, I think.
Are you telling me I don't know my own brother?
No, no.
HE TAPS GLASS
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to
drag you from your delicious desserts.
Uh, there are just one or two little things
I feel I should say as best man.
This is only the second time I've ever been a best man.
I hope I did the job all right that time.
The couple in question are at least still talking to me.
LAUGHTER
Unfortunately, they're not actually...
..talking to each other.
The divorce came through a couple of months ago.
LAUGHTER
But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Apparently, Paula knew that Piers had slept with her younger sister
before I mentioned it in the speech.
ALL LAUGHING
The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise
but I think was incidental to the...
..nightmare of recrimination and um...
..violence that became their two-day marriage.
Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus.
And there are no skeletons in his cupboard...
..or so I thought.
GUEST EXCLAIM I'll come on to that in a minute.
I would just like to say this.
Um...
I am, as ever,
in...bewildered awe
of anyone who makes this kind of commitment
that Angus and Laura have made today.
I know I couldn't do it, and er...
..I think it's wonderful they can.
So, anyway, back to Angus and those sheep.
GUESTS EXCLAIM
MAN BLEATS, APPLAUSE
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses,
uh, the adorable couple.
MAN: Yes.
ALL: The adorable couple. The adorable couple.
THEY ALL CHEER
MAN: Give her one for me, Angus!
BAND PLAYS CROCODILE ROCK
# I remember when rock was young
# Me and Suzie had so much fun
# Holding hands and skimming stones
# Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
# But the biggest kick I ever got
# Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
# While the other kids were rockin' round the clock
# We were hoppin' and boppin' to the Crocodile Rock. #
# I just walked in to find you here
# With that sad look upon your face
# I should have changed my stupid lock
# I should have made you leave the key
# I should've known for just one second
# You'd be back to bother me. #
I remember the first time I saw Gareth on the dance floor,
I feared lives would be lost.
THEY LAUGH
She's a pretty girl.
The one you can't take your eyes off, is that love at first sight?
Oh, good Lord, no, no, it's the...
Just the bloke she's dancing with,
I used to play rugby with him at school, I'm just trying to
remember what position he played in, that's all.
Though, let's say one...
For the sake of argument, one did
take a fancy to someone at a wedding.
I mean, do you think there really
are people who can just go up and say,
"Hi, babe, name's Charles. This is your lucky night."?
Well, if there are, they're not English.
No, quite.
Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum.
TEARFULLY: You know I love you, Jean, don't you?
I love you. I love you!
And, Mike,
I've never met you before but I love you very much. I really do.
Ignore her, she's drunk.
At least, I hope she is.
Otherwise I'm in real trouble.
How's it going, Lyds?
Bloody awful.
Oh, dear, what's the prob?
I was promised sex - everybody said it -
"You be a bridesmaid,
"you'll get sex. You'll be fighting them off."
But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Well, I mean, if you fancy...anything,
I could always...
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard.
I'm not that desperate.
No. Right. Of course. Fair enough.
It's a good point.
THEY CHEER AND WHOOP
SHEEP BLEATS
Bye!
Bye! Have a lovely, lovely time!
Bye!
# I feel it in my fingers
# I feel it in my toes
# That love is all around me
# And so the feeling grows
# It's written on the wind
# It's everywhere I go. #
Where are you staying tonight, Charles?
Oh, Scarlett and I are at some pub.
The...Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?
Ah, no. Slight change of plan.
The others are, in fact, coming back to my place.
Nansy's in residence.
Might knock us up a quick plate of
eggs and bac over a late-night Scrabble.
Wondered if you'd like to join.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks very much.
Is there room for Scarlett?
Oh, absolutely. 137 rooms, actually.
CHARLES SCOFFS
Tom, are you the richest man in England?
Oh, no, no!
I believe we're about seventh. Mm-hm.
The Queen, obviously, and um... Right.
..that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.
Well, excellent news.
I'll go tell Scarlett.
Yeah.
That's, uh, unless you get lucky first.
MAN: Forget about it! Get out of it!
Get out. Go on!
CARRIE: Hi.
Hi! Hi, I thought you'd gone.
No, not yet. I was just wondering where you were staying tonight.
Uh, well...
..I was staying at some pub called the Lucky...
..The Boat, or something like that. Boatman.
Right. But, uh...
But now I'm gonna stay at some friend's house with...some friends.
STAMMERING: Well, I say "house."
I think "enormous castle" is a more accurate description.
Oh, that's too bad, cos I'm at The Boatman.
Oh.
Well, it was nice not quite meeting you.
It was a great speech. Thanks.
Well, I'm going now.
No! No, no, no, no, no, don't go. We can...
We can meet now.
The evening's just getting going.
Oh, I think we both know that's a big lie.
# So if you really love me
# Come on and let it show. #
Fuck.
# Come on and let it show
# Come on and let it... #
HE RETCHES
# Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
# Giving all your love to just one man. #
The castle beckons, I think, Tom. Are you sober?
Absolutely. Orange juice all night.
# Be proud of him. #
Come on.
# Cos after all, he's just a man. #
SCARLETT: Bye, everybody!
SINGER: All together, now.
# Stand by your man
# Give him two arms to cling to. #
THEY PANT
Bernard!
# And something warm to come to
# When nights are cold and lonely. #
THEY SING DRUNKENLY
# Tell the world you love him
# And give him all the love you ca-a-a-a-an
# Stand by... #
CHARLES: Tom, Tom, can you stop the car?
Stop the car!
THEY STOP SINGING
Sorry. Sorry.
I just think...I might stay in that pub after all.
TOM: Why on earth?
Um, well...
THEY MAKE MOCKING NOISES
MOCKING GETS LOUDER
No, no, no, no, seriously.
I'm doing some research to pubs with the word "boat" in the title.
I hope to produce the definitive work.
Oh, well. Please yourself. It's a...
It's a silly thing. Um.
Right.
Odd decision.
Hello.
Hi. Hi.
In the end, it turned out there wasn't room for all of us, so...
You said it was a castle.
Yes, it is... No, it is a castle. It's um...
It's just a very, very small one.
Tiny, in fact. Just one up, one down, which is rare.
A drink, sir?
Yeah. I'd like a glass of whiskey, please. Thanks.
Do you want?
Yeah, sounds good.
Make another one for the lady.
Doubles, sir? Hmm. Thanks.
WHISTLING
Ah. You here, too? How are you?
Hello. I'm fine.
Haven't seen Carrie, have you?
Who? Carrie.
American girl. Lovely legs.
Wedding guest. Nice smell.
No. Sorry.
Damn. Blast.
I think I was in there.
Look, if you do see her, could you tell her I've gone up to my room?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your whiskey, sir. Thank you.
And one for the...
Road. Lovely.
Actually, I think I might have one of those. Do you mind if I join you?
No. It'd be lovely.
Another glass of whiskey, and a cigar.
Hold on. Make that a bottle of whiskey.
We might as well settle in, eh?
Let's see if we can push on through till dawn, shall we?
Lovely wedding. Yes, yes, yes.
I was at school with his brother Bufty - tremendous bloke.
He was head of my house.
Buggered me senseless,
still, taught me a thing or two about life.
Hmm.
Where do you know him from?
University.
Hmm. Splendid. Splendid. Yep.
I didn't go myself. Well, I couldn't see the point, you see.
I mean, when you work in the money markets
what use are the novels of Wordsworth gonna be, eh?
WAITER: Excuse me, sir.
Your wife says, could you come upstairs at once?
Room 12, in case you're so drunk you can't remember.
My wife?
Yes, sir.
Oh, my wife! My wife!
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, God! You are drunk. You can't even remember you got a wife.
Yeah, yeah.
HE IMITATES SLURRING
Do you mind if I... No, no, no. Off you go. Off you go.
Best of luck. Thanks, yeah.
Lucky bachelor me,
I'll think I'll have another search for that Katie creature.
Carrie. That's the one.
Damn fine filly.
I think I'm in there.
HE CLEARS THROAT
Hi. Hello.
Sorry about that.
No, that's fine. He was hard to get rid of.
Yeah.
So, um...
Maybe we could just...
..skulk around here for a bit and then...go back down.
Now that's a thought.
I don't usually skulk a lot,
but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required.
Do you skulk regularly?
No. No, I don't normally...
..think of myself as a skulker, but...
Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while
and we'll see.
So I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church,
which is kind of strange.
Where I come from, kissing is very big.
Is it? Yes, well, I think you're right.
I think we are probably more reserved, you know.
"You may now kiss the bride,"
isn't actually in the book of common prayers.
I always worry I'll go too far, you know, in the heat of the moment.
Uh-huh?
How far do you think too far would be, then?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe...
..that would be all right.
Yeah, I think that would be fine.
In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.
Maybe this...
..would be better.
Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further.
I mean, um...
You know.
That might be taking it a little far.
Mm-hm.
What about this?
Do you think the vicar would think
things had slipped just a little bit out of his control?
I think he might.
You know, this kind of thing is really better suited to the, uh...
..to the honeymoon than to the service itself.
Why do you think it's called a honeymoon?
Um, I don't know.
I suppose it's...
.."honey" cos it's sweet as honey.
And, um, "moon" because
it was the first time
a husband got to see
his wife's bottom.
SHE LAUGHS
BIRDS CHIRP
What's happening?
I have to go.
Where?
America.
That is a tragedy.
Just before I go...
..when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Hmm?
Sorry. Whose engagement?
Ours.
I assumed since we slept together and everything,
we'd be getting married.
What did you think?
Wha...?
I, um...
Gosh, you know, that's, um...
Takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing.
Uh, obviously, I'm...
HE STAMMERS
You're joking.
SHE LAUGHS
God! For a moment there, I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.
I thought you were Glenn Close,
and I was going to get home and find my pet rabbit on the stove.
SHE SIGHS
No.
But I think we've both missed a great opportunity here.
Bye.
DOOR CLOSES
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
CHARLES: Oh, fuck!
Mm?
Fuck!
Fuck. Fuckity-fuck!
Fuck!
Car or taxi?
Taxi. We could never park.
Car seems a good idea.
BOTH: Fuck.
Er, your... Leave it! No-one will notice.
ORGAN PLAYS
Well...
Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Yeah.
Who is it today?
One more, please.
Get ready. Come on.
ORGAN PLAYS
ORGAN MUSIC ENDS
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen. ALL: Amen.
Let us pray.
Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery,
a symbol of Christ's love for His church.
Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia
through your son, Jesus Christ, our Lord,
who lives and reigns with you
and the Holy goat...
HE STAMMERS
Ghost.
One God, forever and ever. Amen.
It's his first time. He's a friend of the family.
Ah, excellent.
Bernard and Lydia,
I shall now ask if you freely
undertake the obligations of marriage.
Bernard, repeat after me.
I do solemnly declare...
..that I know not of any lawful impediment...
..why I, Lydia...
..why I, Bernard...
Sorry.
THEY SNICKER
Why I, Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney...
Why I, Bernard Geoffrey "St John" Delaney...
..may not be joined in matrimony
to Lydia John Hibbott.
..may not be joined in matrimony
to Lydia Jane Hibbott.
Lydia, repeat after me.
I do solemnly declare...
..that I know not of any lawful impediment...
..why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
..may not be johned in matrimony...
..may not be "joined" in matrimony...
..to Bernard Geoffrey...
..Sijeh - Sijean Delaney.
..to Bernard Geoffrey "St John" Delaney.
I call upon those persons here present to witness...
..that I, Bernard...
..Delaney...
HE SIGHS
That I, Bernard Delaney...
..do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
..to be my awful wedded wife.
To be my "lawful" wedded wife.
That's... That's right.
May Almighty God bless you all.
The Father, the Son
and the Holy Spigot... Spirit!
ALL: Amen.
Bravo!
THEY APPLAUD
Bravo!
ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
LYDIA LAUGHS
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
TOM: Thanks.
We're coming, Bernie. Up here!
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
That way? Yes, of course.
Sorry. Could you two...
Tom, don't go away.
Sorry!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
I've got a new theory about marriage.
Two people are in love, they live together,
and suddenly one day they run out of conversation.
Uh-huh. Totally.
I mean, they can't think of a single thing to say to each other.
That's it. Panic.
Then suddenly, it occurs
to that chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
Which is?
He'll ask her to marry him.
Brilliant. Brilliant!
Suddenly they got something
to talk about for rest of their lives.
Basically, you're saying marriage is just a way
of getting out of an embarrassing, pause in conversation.
Yep. The definitive icebreaker.
Tom, how's the speech coming along?
It's pretty good, I think. Something for everyone.
Tears, laughter.
GARETH LAUGHS
Excellent.
Well, I think it's a very good theory, Gareth.
Well, there is another argument, of course,
that it does have something to do with true love.
Hmm, there's a thought.
Can I help you, sir?
Can I have three glasses of brandy, please?
Certainly, sir.
Hi.
Hello! How are you?
Fine. Fine.
LAUGHING: Yeah. Sorry, I'm overwhelmed to see you.
Um, look, don't go back to America. Please.
Be back in two secs, OK?
OK.
Hi, Fi.
That's yours, that's yours. See you in five hours.
Something happened?
Yeah, has a bit. This is a bloody great wedding, you know.
Hi.
Well, you look perfect. You...
In fact, you probably are perfect.
Well, how are you?
I'm really well.
Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiance.
Excellent.
Excellent. How do you do, Hamish?
Delighted to meet you.
Charming surprise to find Carrie back in the country.
Yes, well, it took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.
Come on, darling, I told James I was gonna get you.
He'll begin to think I've totally lost control over you already.
THEY LAUGH
I'll see you later.
How you doing, Charles?
Not great, actually, suddenly.
CHARLES SIGHS
I don't know.
I mean, um...
What the hell's going on here? Why am I always at weddings
and never actually getting married, Matt?
It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.
Yeah.
Or it could also be cos you haven't met the right girl.
Ah, but you see, is that it?
Maybe I have met the right girls.
Maybe I'm meeting the right girls all the time.
Maybe it's me.
Oh, nonsense.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
dinner is served.
Come on. Odds on you meet your wife at dinner.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Charles?
Hi. Hello.
I'm Alistair. Great.
And I believe you know Veronica.
Yeah. Hi, Vee, Hi.
Nicki.
Great.
Tell me, are you married?
No.
Are you a lesbian?
Good Lord!
Um, what made you say that?
Well, it's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls
and is a bit more interesting than saying,
"Oh, dear, just never found the right chap, eh?"
Quite right. Why be dull?
Thank you.
Well, the truth is...
WHISPERS: Truth is, I have met the right person,
only he is not in love with me,
and until I stop loving him, no-one else stands a chance.
Oh, bad luck.
Yes, isn't it?
I was a lesbian once at school,
but only for about 15 minutes so I don't think it counts.
THEY LAUGH
GARETH: Very good
There are 400 different kinds of tea.
And that's not including all these so-called fruit teas.
I took Veronica out to India at
Christmas to look at the plantations.
Oh, excellent.
I believe you and her went out there once.
That's right.
VERONICA: Charles was vile.
He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.
I was just trying to cheer you up, Vee.
Oh, you're that Veronica!
Which Veronica?
Charlie? Remember Bombay?
When Charles and I were going out,
he told me he'd had this interesting journey around India
with Vomiting Veronica, I...
I think that was it.
I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe...
Maybe I did. Oh, come on, Charles!
I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet.
Well, I don't think...
It's probably a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it, Marth?
It is not!
I remember you going on about this girl,
Helena, was it, whose mother made a pass at you?
I remember this!
You couldn't work out whether it
would be impolite not to accept her advances!
THEY LAUGH
NICKI: That's right!
Mrs Piggy. Helena was Miss Piggy,
so her mother was Mrs Piggy.
THEY LAUGH
STAMMERING: I think perhaps it was a... It was a...
We've both lost a lot of weight since then.
CLACKING
Ah, great. Speeches.
My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
pray silence for the best man.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Um. When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia,
I congratulated him because
all his other girlfriends had been such complete dogs.
ONLY LYDIA LAUGHS
Although may I say how delighted we are
to have so many of them here this evening.
GARETH LAUGHS
I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla,
who many of you will probably remember
as the first person Bernard asked to marry him.
If I remember rightly, she told him to "sod off."
GARETH LAUGHS
And lucky for Lydia that she did.
GARETH LAUGHS
It's very disappointing!
GARETH: We had the most adorable girl at our table,
called Carrie.
Apparently, her fiance is awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland.
How are you?
Well, I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell.
Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.
Next thing you know I bump into Henrietta
and the horror will be complete. HENRIETTA: Hello, Charles.
Hello, Hen. How are you?
SHE SOBS
Oh, Hen, I...
Why can't you just leave her alone?
Haven't you hurt her enough?
Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people are not.
Hello.
Oh, yes!
HE CHUCKLES
WOMEN CHATTER
THEY LAUGH
It's unbelievable.
HE SIGHS
MAN: Taxi!
Goodnight, sir.
Thank you.
HE SIGHS
WOMAN: # My true love was true
# I, of course, replied
# Something here inside
# Cannot be denied. #
KNOCK ON DOOR
BERNARD BABBLES EXCITEDLY
BERNARD: I know. It's all right. Oh, God, this is wonderful, isn't it?
THEY GIGGLE
BERNARD PANTS
THEY MOAN
LYDIA: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This is no fun. I want to see my lovely husband!
THEY BOTH MOAN
THEY LAUGH AND MOAN
LYDIA GASPS
THEY LAUGH AND MOAN
LAUGHING: Who's a very bad bridegroom, indeed?
# Gonna get along without you now
# Gonna get along without you now. #
Have you got a boyfriend?
Yes.
What's his name?
Dolph. He's good at table tennis.
What about you?
No. Afraid not.
Why not?
Don't know.
Because most of the blokes I fancy
think I'm stupid and pointless,
so they just bonk me and then leave me,
and the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips.
I can't even be bothered to bonk them,
which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.
What's bonking?
Well, it's kind of like table tennis...
..only with slightly smaller balls.
THEY MOAN AND GIGGLE
LOUD MOANING CONTINUES
THEY LAUGH
LYDIA LAUGHS
BERNARD: So good!
THEY PANT AND GASP
BERNARD YELLS IN DELIGHT
I love my wife!
MOANING: And I love my husband!
Do you think we'd better be getting back?
Or we could just wait a few minutes
and have another go.
You naughty, naughty little rabbit!
LYDIA GASPS
Found it.
Charles. Charles, we must talk.
Right. You're right.
The thing is, Charlie,
I've spoken to lots of people about you... Oh, God.
..and everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.
Am I?
The thing is, you see, you're sort of turning into
a kind of serial monogamist.
One girlfriend after another,
yet you never really love anyone
cos you never let them near you.
On the contrary, Hen, I...
You're affectionate to them and sweet to them. Right.
You were even sweet to me, although you thought I was an idiot.
I did not. You did!
I thought U2 was a type of submarine.
Well, in a way, you were right.
Their music has a very naval quality.
Be serious, Charles.
You must give people a chance.
You don't have to think, "I must get married,"
but you mustn't start every relationship
thinking, "I mustn't get married."
Hen, you know me - most of the time I don't think at all.
I just, you know, potter along.
Oh, Charlie!
Oh, God, the way you used to look at me!
SHE SNIFFLES
I just misread it, that's all.
All the time I thought you were going to propose
and all that time you were just working out how to leave.
No, no. I wasn't.
Oh, God, this is ridiculous.
Hen... No.
No, Hen! Hen!
No! No! Hen!
Having a good night?
Yes, yes, its...
It's right up there with my father's funeral
for sheer entertainment value.
I thought you'd gone.
No. Hamish has to take the Edinburgh sleeper.
I'm off now. Keep me company?
SHE TAPS ON GLASS
Here, please.
You want to come up for a nightcap?
You sure?
Well, yes. I think we can risk it.
I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute.
Sorry. Yeah, great.
SLOW MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS
Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up.
Hmm.
Well, it's a bit burnt.
Excellent.
CHAPEL OF LOVE PLAYS ON RADIO
What are you up to today?
Oh, yeah.
I'm uh... Well, I'm taking advantage of the fact that
for the first time in my entire life,
it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.
All I have to do is not be late for David.
I was gonna go for a job.
There's this new shop called Spank that wants a sales assistant.
I think I'd be great.
They sell all this funny rubber stuff.
Oh, no. Another wedding invitation.
And a list. Lovely.
They say rubber's mainly for perverts.
I don't know why. I think it's very practical, actually.
I mean, you spill anything on it, and it just comes off.
I suppose that could be why the perverts like it.
You all right?
Yeah, yeah.
It's that girl...
..Carrie. You remember?
The American.
Uh, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
Do you have the wedding list for Banks?
Certainly, sir.
Lots of beautiful things for round about the £1,000 mark.
Uh-huh.
What about things around the sort of...
..£50 mark? Is there much?
Well, you could get that pygmy warrior over there.
This? Excellent.
If you could find someone to chip in the other £3,950.
Or our carrier bags are £1.50 each.
Why don't you just get 33 of them?
Yes, well, I think I'll probably leave it.
Thanks very much. You've been very...
What'd you get?
Blimey! Well, I never.
THEY LAUGH
Um...
Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.
It's nice to see you.
This present thing is great.
CHARLES CHUCKLES
I should've gotten married years ago.
Did anybody go for the pygmy?
The young man was thinking about it.
LAUGHING: Oh, no! Yeah.
Just get me an ashtray.
Are you free for about a half hour?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm supposed to meet my brother,
but I can be a bit late.
Oh, good, come with me. You have an important decision to make.
Now, the crucial thing is that you mustn't laugh.
OK, right.
# They're writing songs of love
# But not for me. #
What do you think?
# A lucky star's above... #
Divine.
Bit of a meringue?
Um...
SHE GROANS: Oh, don't worry. We've only just begun.
# With love to lead the way
# I've found more clouds of grey. #
What do you think?
You're kidding.
But it would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
Maybe next time.
What do you think?
HE CHUCKLES
Um...
I knew it.
But look, if you could find a little staff,
it'd be great for looking after sheep.
Don't be rude.
It's a bit sexy, this.
Well...
If I were your husband, I would die of pride.
You may be right. It is dangerous.
You know, there's nothing more off-putting at a wedding
than a priest with an enormous
erection. Bleh!
CARRIE LAUGHS
# I guess she's not for me. #
One strange thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else.
You don't think you'll be unfaithful?
No. Not once I'm married.
I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does,
so I guess I better stick to that.
Quite right. Yes.
Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.
What is a fair run these days,
down your way?
Oh, I don't know...
..more than one.
Well, come on. Tell me.
I've seen the dress, we have no secrets.
Well...
The first one...
..of course, not easily forgotten, was kind of nice.
Two - hairy back.
CHARLES CHUCKLES
Three, four... Six.
Was on my birthday in my parents' room.
Which birthday? Seventeenth.
Oh, we've only reached 17?
Well, you know, I grew up in the country,
lots of rolling around in haystacks.
OK. Seven - mmm.
Eight - unfortunately, was quite a shock.
Nine - against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.
I won't.
Ten - Oh! Was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...
Oh, he was wonderful.
I hate him.
11, obviously after ten, disappointing.
12 through 17, the university years.
Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.
Sexually speaking, a real low patch. HE CHUCKLES
Um...18 broke my heart.
Years of yearning.
I'm sorry.
20... Oh, my God, I can't believe I've reached 20.
21 - elephant tongue.
22 - kept falling asleep.
That was my first year in England.
I do apologise.
23 and 24 together. That was something.
Seriously? 27 - oh, now that was a mistake.
Suddenly at 27 you make a mistake?
Yes, he kept screaming.
It was very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing.
But Spencer changed my mind, that's 28. Mm-hm.
His father, 29.
His father? Mm-hm.
30 - uh!
31 - oh, my God.
32...was lovely.
And then my fiance, that's 33.
Wow!
So I...came after your fiance?
No, you were 32.
Oh.
So there you go.
Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I hope.
SHE CHUCKLES
And how about you? How many have you slept with?
Christ!
Nothing like that many. I don't know...
I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time, actually.
Work, probably. Yeah, that's it, work, work.
I have been working late a lot.
I wish I'd rung you.
But then, you never rang me.
You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.
Oh, bollocks!
Help me, please. Please.
Uh, Carrie, this is David, my brother.
Hi.
I was just telling him about, um, you marrying Hamish
and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow. So that's nice.
Ah.
Where are you doing it?
Scotland.
He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.
You should come to the wedding, too.
I want as many friends as possible
to make up for the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows.
Well, you better go in.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Fuck it!
Um, look.
Sorry, sorry.
Uh, I just...
Well, this is a really stupid question,
particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion.
But, uh...
I just wondered if, by any chance, um...
Uh, I mean, obviously not,
because I am just some git who's only slept with nine people.
But I just wondered...
Uh, I really feel, um...
In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version...
..in the words of David Cassidy, in fact,
while he was still with The Partridge Family,
I think I love you.
And uh...
HE STAMMERS
..I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to...
Uh... Uh...
No, no. No, of course not.
I'm an idiot, he's not.
Excellent. Excellent. Fantastic.
Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on.
Fuck!
That was very romantic.
Well, I thought it over a lot, you know.
I wanted to get it just right.
Important to have said it, I think.
Said what, exactly?
Said, uh...
..you know, what I just said about...
..David Cassidy.
You're lovely.
MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS
THUNDER RUMBLES
BIRDS SCREECH
VICAR: It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationship
of conjugal love.
It was ordained for the welfare of human society
which can be strong and happy
only when the marriage bond is held in honour.
Into this holy estate these two persons now desire to enter.
Wherefore if anyone can show any just cause
why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage,
let him now declare it.
DOOR LATCH CLANGS
WHISPERS: Sorry.
VICAR: Please rise.
Do you, Hamish, take this woman, Caroline, to be your wedded wife?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation,
promise and covenant to be to her
a loving and faithful husband
until God shall separate you by death?
HAMISH: I do.
Do you, Caroline, take this man, Hamish, to be your wedded husband?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation
promise and covenant to be to him
a loving and faithful wife
until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
As a token of the covenant into which you have entered...
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
BAGPIPES PLAY
Awfully nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
How do you do?
Hello. Ben...?
You look beautiful. Not a meringue in sight.
Thanks.
BAGPIPES PLAY HIGHLAND TUNE
Blimey.
It's Brigadoon!
CHUCKLING: It's bloody Brigadoon!
Dear old things, as you know,
I've always been proud that there's
not a wedding ring between the lot of us.
Over the passing of the years,
it's suddenly beginning to distress me.
I'd like to go to the wedding of
someone I really loved, for a change.
TOM: Well, don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know.
You haven't asked me.
Haven't I? No.
Oh, Scarlett. Would...you like to?
No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask.
Well, any time.
LAUGHING: Quite right, Tom. That's the spirit.
Now, tonight, these are your orders.
Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives.
Excellent plan. What do you think, Fifi?
Spot a potential hubby in the throng?
Bugger off, Tom. Quite right.
A toast before we go into battle.
To true love.
In whatever shape or form it may come.
May we all in our dotage be proud to say,
"I was adored once, too."
THEY CHUCKLE
ALL: True love!
STUTTERING: Apparently, an enormous number of people
actually bump into their future spouses at weddings.
Which is interesting.
Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.
Ah!
Good Lord, I seem to have finished my drink.
If you'll excuse me.
Hello. My name's Scarlett.
Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble.
What's your name?
My name's Rhett.
No. Not really!
No, not really.
In fact, it's Chester.
You kidder!
SHE LAUGHS
I always imagine Americans are gonna be dull as shit.
I mean, of course you're not, are you?
Steve Martin's American, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
You're lovely.
Come on!
Oh, no, no!
Hello, Charles.
Oh, Hen. Hi.
STAMMERING: I'm sorry. I couldn't really bear a scene today.
I know, you know, we probably got tons to talk about,
and all that kind of stuff.
Did I behave that atrociously last time?
Well, you remember the shower scene in Psycho?
Yeah.
Scarier.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
Oh, God, I'm depressed, Hen. How are you?
Well, I'm cheerful, actually. I weigh almost nothing.
And, oh, I've got a divine new boyfriend.
Perhaps you were right, Hen. Perhaps we should've got married.
Oh, good God, no! Marry you and I'd have had to marry your friends.
And I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona.
Fiona loves you.
Fiona calls me Duckface.
Well, I never heard that.
Look, darling, come to lunch soon.
Give me a ring, OK? Oh, still cute!
How's Duckface?
Good form, actually. Not too mad.
BAGPIPES PLAY
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.
APPLAUSE
BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES
You like this girl, don't you?
Yes.
Yes, it's a...
It's a strange thing when at last it happens.
And, uh...
HE SCOFFS
..she's marrying someone else.
How about you, Fifi?
You identified a future partner for life yet?
No need, really.
The deed is done.
I've been in love with the same bloke for ages.
Have you?
Who's that?
You, Charlie.
It's always been you.
Since first we met...
..oh, so many years ago.
I knew the first moment.
Across a crowded room. Or lawn, in fact.
Doesn't matter.
Nothing either of us can do on this one.
Such is life.
Friends isn't...
..bad, you know?
Friends is quite something.
Oh, Fi.
HE EXHALES
It's not all easy, is it?
No.
Just forget this business. Not to be.
Matthew, darling.
Where's Gareth?
Torturing Americans.
How thoughtful of him.
Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
Not personally, no.
But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you.
Shall we dance?
BAND PLAYS COUNTRY MUSIC
DANCERS WHOOP
GARETH EXCLAIMS
WOMAN EXCLAIMS
Well, any rings on fingers?
Oh, Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are.
Finding someone to marry is a very tricky business.
It's hell out there.
Matthew's trapped with an evangelist from Minnesota.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
please charge your glasses.
First, and rather unusually, we have the bride.
APPLAUSE
Excellent. I love this girl.
CARRIE: Thank you.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you
who've flown in from the States.
I'm really touched.
And, as for the rest of you, I would have thought
the fact that lots of frightful Americans were flying in
was the perfect excuse for staying away, so I thank you, too.
THEY ALL LAUGH
If my darling dad had been here today,
he would have been speaking now.
And I know what he would have said.
"Great dress, babe,
"but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?"
LAUGHTER
And I would have given him the same answer that I give you.
"Because I love him."
As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad,
"Love is the answer. And you know that for sure."
APPLAUSE
Oh, oh, and one more thing.
Someone had told me here, confidentially,
that if things with Hamish didn't work out, that he would step in.
I just wanted to say thanks, and I'll keep you posted.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Bravo!
MAN: And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Hamish Banks.
APPLAUSE
Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years
has gotten used to being upstaged by a woman.
LAUGHTER
HAMISH: I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day.
However, I must also say
that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by
this woman for the rest of my life. BOTTLES SHATTER
Oh, dear, is that some barracking at the back?
Again, something we politicians are used to.
CHARLES: Find a doctor. Right. OK.
First of all, I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids.
You did your duty superbly.
And, obviously, I intend to use you
every time I get married from now on.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
HAMISH: And also, I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish
who did the flowers in the church.
This stern old building took on a look of flushed youth today...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline.
I thought to myself, "If by any chance she's short-sighted...
"..I might just be happy for the rest of my life."
LAUGHTER
I thought I could see my future for the first time.
It was a joyful one,
for years and years to come.
APPLAUSE
ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow
# For they are jolly good fellows
# And so say all of us. #
ENGINE STARTS
Good morning,
and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day.
Our service will begin in a few minutes.
But first we have asked Matthew,
Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words.
Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings.
He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony
one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in.
THEY CHUCKLE SOFTLY
In order to prepare this speech,
I rang a few people to get a general picture
of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him.
"Fat" seems to have been a word people most connected with him.
"Terribly rude" also rang a lot of bells.
"So very fat and very rude" seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint.
On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough
to ring me and let me know that you loved him,
which I know he would have been thrilled to hear.
You remember his fabulous hospitality.
His strange experimental cooking.
The recipe for Duck a la Banana,
fortunately, goes with him to his grave.
Most of all...
..you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy.
And when joyful...
When joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness.
But I hope joyful is how you will remember him.
Not stuck in a box in a church.
Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way.
The most splendid, replete...
..big-hearted...
Weak-hearted, as it turned out,
and jolly bugger most of us ever met.
As for me, you may ask how I will remember him.
What I thought of him.
Unfortunately, there I run out of words.
Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings
to the words of another splendid bugger,
WH Auden.
This is actually what I want to say.
"Stop all the clocks,
"cut off the telephone.
"Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
"Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum,
"bring out the coffin...
"..let the mourners come.
"Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead.
"Scribbling on the sky the message...
"'He is dead.'
"Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves.
"Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
"He was my north, my south, my east and west.
"My working week and my Sunday rest.
"My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
"I thought that love would last forever...
VOICE BREAKING: "..I was wrong.
"The stars are not wanted now...
"..put out every one.
"Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
"Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
"For nothing now can ever come to any good."
MAN: Bye, now.
FIONA: I'll take you home, Scarlett.
It was good of you to come.
Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history.
No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.
You know, that thing you said in the street?
Yes. I'm sorry about that.
No, I liked it.
I liked you saying it.
Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?
Yeah.
Darling Fi.
Walk, Charlie?
Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.
Never felt like that.
I mean, something vaguely similar for Jilly,
when I was young.
Jilly?
Labrador.
Yes, it's odd, isn't it?
All these years we've been single and proud of it,
and we never noticed that two of us were,
to all intents and purposes, married all this time.
Traitors in our midst.
You know, in a way, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you?
I hope I die before my children.
Tom,
there's one thing I find really...
Well...
It's your total confidence that you will get married.
I mean, what if you never find the right girl?
Sorry?
Surely, if that service shows anything...
..it shows that there is such a thing as a perfect match.
If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, then...
..maybe we should just let it go.
Some of us are not going to get married.
Well, I don't know, Charlie.
The truth is, unlike you,
I never expected the thunderbolt.
I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl,
like the look of her.
Hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick.
Then pop the question and settle down and be happy.
It worked for my parents.
Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
I give you six months at the outside, Tom.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe all this "waiting for one true love" stuff
gets you nowhere.
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
ALARM STOPS
DIFFERENT ALARM CLOCK RINGS
Hmm? MULTIPLE ALARMS RING
What the fuck is going on?
HE EXCLAIMS
I thought we better make absolutely sure we weren't late.
Excellent wedding hairstyle, by the way.
CHARLES: Matthew, the best-looking best man in the world.
Listen.
Thank you for doing this today.
Of course.
I wish Gareth was here.
Bet he does, too.
I'm sorry I was so late.
The others are just parking the car.
I thought we'd all go with Tom.
Late? So late?
Yeah, it's 9.45.
9:45?
Yep, 45 minutes till "I do."
Bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for 8.00.
Fuck!
Scarlett?
Oh, hi.
You ready?
Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds.
TYRES SCREECH
Time? Honestly?
Yes! Time?
It's about ten to nine.
CHARLES EXCLAIMS
THEY CHUCKLE
Bastards.
THEY LAUGH
WOMAN: Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please.
GIRLS GIGGLE
SCARLETT: One, two, three, smile!
TOM: This is splendid tuck.
Yes, I think I might say a little word.
Well, as many of you know, I have been a close observer
of Charles' love life for many years now.
But recently, I'd started to despair and fear
that really he was married to us lot - apart from the fact
that we won't have his babies.
I don't know about that.
Fortunately, it's all turned out splendidly.
The girl in question is, sadly, crazy,
but perhaps that's why he loves her.
So I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl
on this tragic day.
So be happy and don't forget us.
CHARLES: Thank you.
To Charles and Duckface.
ALL: To Charles and Duckface!
What do you think? You look divine.
It does work, doesn't it?
Yes!
Well, I'd like to thank Fiona for those charming words
about my future wife.
And I'd like to take this opportunity, before the day starts,
to read a little message from her to you all.
This is exciting.
She says, "Any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you."
I think that's rather a nice touch.
TOM LAUGHS
"I'll set the dogs on you"!
MATTHEW: John, hi.
You made it. Good. Oh, yes.
I hope me damn sister turns up.
Not much of a wedding without a bride.
Tom.
Charlie. John.
Bit of a poor show, you not having a stag night.
Oh, we did, we did. we did...
We didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age, so...
Really? Mm-hm.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Fi, you do look lovely today.
Yes, as you can see, I've abandoned my traditional black.
HE CHUCKLES
Yes, so you have.
From now on, I shall be all the colours of the rainbow
and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change.
Darling Fi.
Oh, look.
What? Lipstick everywhere.
That won't do at all, will it?
BELLS TOLL
Hi. Hi.
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS
BELLS CONTINUE TOLLING
Good luck.
SCARLETT: Hello. Glad you could come.
MATTHEW: How are you?
Groom's on the right, bride's on the left.
Oh, my God!
SHE SQUEALS
HE GRUNTS I thought you'd gone back to Texas!
Without you, never.
Good luck.
Bride or groom?
It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither!
Great God!
Bride or groom?
Bride.
Yes...fine.
You know, I've got a feeling we've met before.
We have.
About 25 years ago.
I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre. You're Tom.
Good Lord!
So you're family? Yes.
Only very distant.
Well, yes, of course.
STUTTERING: You said you were...
..bride? Yes.
Well, do sit.
Do sit here, Deirdre.
Golly!
Thunderbolt city.
BERNARD: Hello, Matthew.
Hello, Charles.
Bernard, how are you?
Exhausted, actually.
That's funny. Charles. Hi, Lyds.
Hi. Hi.
You look lovely.
But then, as you know, I always did like you dressed for weddings.
And on time!
Yep! Extraordinary thing, isn't it?
How's Hamish?
Oh, he's fine, I believe.
You believe?
Well, yes, he wasn't the man for me after all.
You left him?
We left each other.
When?
Oh, a few months now.
March was hell.
By April, it was sorted.
That's absolutely the last time I marry someone three times my age.
MATTHEW: Charlie? Charles, time to travel.
Yeah. Yeah.
Coming. Good.
Good.
So why didn't you get in touch, then?
I did think about it.
I wanted to, but...
..I was in a state.
So anyway...
..I don't want to keep you.
And I'll see you afterwards.
Yeah. Fine, excellent.
Wait.
I'll show you to your seat.
Just showing her to her seat.
Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?
It's been bad, yes.
It's been a disaster.
It has, as you say, been...
..very bad indeed.
God, it's lovely to see you.
Well, good luck.
It's pretty easy.
Just say "I do" whenever anyone asks you a question.
Um...
Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?
Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.
Dear Lord...
..forgive me for what I'm about to...
..say in this magnificent place of worship.
Bugger!
Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!
Can I help at all?
Huh? No. Thanks.
HE CHUCKLES
Sorry.
Um, vocal exercises. Big church.
Excellent. Often do the same myself.
Uh, not exactly the same vocab, obviously.
Rather more hallelujahs.
HE CHUCKLES
I'll leave you.
BELLS TOLL
BABY BABBLES
Bride's arriving.
Fabulous! We seem to have lost the groom.
Ah, do you want to see if you can stall her,
and I'll see if I can find him. Roger. Wilko.
MATTHEW KNOCKS
Charles?
Hmm?
It's good to see you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Um...
Matt, what do we...
..think about marriage?
Oh, gosh, uh...
Well, I think it's really good... Hmm.
..if you love the person with all your heart.
Well, exactly.
Quite.
All these weddings, all these years...
..all that blasted salmon and champagne.
Here I am on my own wedding day,
and I'm...
..still thinking.
Can I ask about what?
Um...
No.
No, I think best not.
I'm terribly sorry, there's a bit of a delay.
There's a slight problem with the flowers. Flowers? What?
Unfortunately, there seems to be a staggeringly
high proportion of hay fever sufferers on the congregation
and they've been stuck right next to the damn flowers.
So we're just moving them - the congregation.
Don't want the damn vows to be
obliterated by the sound of sneezing.
Charles, would it be out of place for me to say
that time is ticking by?
HE SLAMS THE TABLE
THEY WHISPER
Should've started by now.
I think I've fooled them so far.
The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid,
people are less suspicious of you.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Hello.
Here you are.
Ready to face the enemy?
Are we?
Yes.
Excellent.
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
HENRIETTA: Not so tight, Dad!
WEDDING MARCH ENDS
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together here in the sight of God
and in the face of this congregation
to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,
which is an honourable estate
instituted of God in the time of man's innocence.
Signifying unto us the mystical union
that is betwixt Christ and His church,
and therefore is not by any to be enterprised,
nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,
but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly,
and in the fear of God.
Therefore, if any man can show any just cause
why they may not lawfully be joined together
let him speak now, or else hereafter forever hold his peace.
KNOCKING
I'm sorry, does someone have something to say?
Yes? What is it?
WHISPERS: It's David, I think.
One second.
What's going on, Charles?
Charles, what?
He wants me to...
translate what he's saying.
What is he saying?
He says, "I suspect the groom is having doubts.
"I suspect the groom would like to delay."
"I suspect the groom...
"I suspect the groom..."
What's he saying?
He says..
..he suspects the groom...
..loves someone else.
GUEST MURMUR
And do you? Do you love someone else?
Do you, Charles?
I do.
HENRIETTA YELLS
CROWD GROAN
HENRIETTA SCREAMS
Get out of my way! Let me kill him!
THUNDER RUMBLES
Blimey.
At least it's one we won't forget.
I mean, lot of weddings just blend into each other, don't they?
Oh, for God's sake!
But this one that will really stick out in the memory.
For not actually including a wedding service.
FIONA: Poor girl.
No, I mean it, poor girl!
I mean, she's not my favourite person in the world, but I think
that may have been an unforgivable thing that you did today.
I can't bear to think about it.
Poor Hen.
TOM: Though, let's face facts.
I mean, if you weren't sure you
wanted to marry her today of all days,
ie, your wedding day...
..then it must be the right decision, mustn't it?
Quite right, Tom.
It was a lovely dress. I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties.
What did he say, Charles?
Says he blames himself.
TOM: Oh, absolutely not. MATTHEW: No, you mustn't, David.
DOORBELL RINGS
No, no, no. If there's music to be faced,
I should be facing it.
Hello.
Hi! You're soaking. Come in. No, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Comes a point when you're so wet you can't get any wetter.
OK, I'll come out. No, please don't.
I just wanted to check you're OK.
Not busy killing yourself or anything, but...
But you're fine, so...
I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry.
No! No!
Wait. It was all my fault.
I mean, I... I'm the bastard here.
And it definitely sorted out one thing, which is, marriage and me,
we're very clearly not meant for one another.
Sorted out another big thing as well.
There I was, standing there in the church and...
..for the first time in my whole life I realised I...
..totally and utterly loved one person.
And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil, it's...
..the person standing opposite me now...
..in the rain.
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
The truth of it is I've...
..loved you from the first second I met you.
You're not suddenly gonna go away again, are you?
No. I might drown,
but otherwise, no.
OK, OK. We'll go in.
But first, let me ask you one thing.
Do you think...
..after we've dried off,
after we've spent lots more time together,
you might agree...
..not to marry me?
And do you think...
..not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider...
..doing for the rest of your life?
Do you?
I do.
THUNDER CLAPS
# Spring is here, the sky is blue
# Birds will sing as if they knew
# Today's the day we'll say "I do"
# And we'll never be lonely any more
# Because we're going to the chapel
# And we're gonna get married
# Going to the chapel
# And we're gonna get married
# Gee, I really love you
# And we're gonna get married
# Going to the chapel of love
# Bells will ring, the sun will shine
# I will be hers, and she'll be mine
# We'll love until the end of time
# And we'll never be lonely any more. #
# I feel it in my fingers
# I feel it in my toes
# The love that's all around me
# And so the feeling grows
# It's written on the wind
# It's everywhere I go
# Oh, yes, it is
# So if you really love me
# Come on and let it show
# You know I love you, I always will
# My mind's made up by the way that I feel
# There's no beginning, there'll be no end
# Cos on my love you can depend. #