This film contains very strong language and deals with suicide
BELL RINGS
BABBLE OF VOICES
HE READS TO HIMSELF
I wish you wouldn't do that! It's so filthy!
Don't give me...
It's such a filthy habit.
Oh, my God! Look at this.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, this is so appalling!
I can't believe it. I can't believe they gave it to him.
Oh, this is pathetic! Now he's a loser WITH a Jaguar.
Who did he blow to get that?
Morning, sir!
HEADMASTER: Mr Willis!
Really...
Mr Trask! ..quite a piece of machinery.
Morning, Havemeyer. Morning to you, sir! Biene!
Bene? Biene - fabulous! What is? That fine piece of steel of yours. You don't think I deserve it?
No, sir, on the contrary. I think it's great.
Why should a headmaster be seen putt-putting around in some junker?
I think the Board of Trustees have had a stroke of inspiration!
Thank you, Havemeyer. I'll take that at face value.
I'd expect nothing less, sir. Have a good day.
Morning, Mrs Hunsaker.
Good morning.
What have we here? Murderers' row?!
What was that about?
Nothing. I like to say hello to Headmaster Trask. Sugarbush. Lift tickets? And condo vouchers.
I thought we were going
to Stowe.
Sugarbush IS Stowe.
Thanksgiving in Vermont, Christmas in Switzerland...
Christmas in Gstaad is gonna cost us. Staad. The G is silent. George?
Staad. Trent? Staad, man.
So, what about Staad? It'll take three grand to get there.
I'll have to talk to my father. Have MY father talk to your father.
Are you goin' home this weekend, Chas? I don't know.
Going home to fuckin' Idaho for Thanksgiving? I'm from Oregon.
I meant fuckin' Oregon!
Charlie, how do you feel about skiing?
Are you in the mood for the white-bosomed slopes of Vermont?
Er... We got a deal going, kid - 20% off for my friends.
Christmas in Switzerland? Staad. G-staad! Dropping the G is phoney.
You said it was Staad! Not if you've been there. We could fit you in, kid.
How much are these white-bosomed slopes of Vermont?
Twelve hundred. Includes a nine-course, champagne Thanksgiving dinner.
Twelve hundred dollars is a little rich for my blood, Harry.
How short are you? How short?
So short it wouldn't be worth you measuring it! But thanks for asking.
If you change your mind... You know he's on aid.
The lord of the manor should offer drippings to the poor. What shit!
Mrs Rossi?
Yes? I'm here about the weekend job.
Come on in.
CHILD: Yeah, yeah, Francine got pimples.
She hates pimples.
- Francine, be quiet! - Pimples, pimples, yeah!
Sh!
I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name. Charlie Simms. How are you? Fine. Right this way!
You're available all weekend? Yeah. Not going home for Thanksgiving? No.
They put him in a veterans' home, but he hated it,
so I told my dad that we'd take him.
Before you go in, let me tell you a few things.
Don't "sir" him, and don't ask him too many questions.
And if he staggers a little when he gets up, don't pay any attention.
Charlie, I can tell you're the right person for the job.
And Uncle Frank's gonna like you a lot too.
Where will you be this weekend? In Albany.
Donny - my husband - has family there.
Do you want Tommy in or out? Leave him out!
He's chasing that Calico from the track-houses again.
Down deep, the man is a lump of sugar!
Sir?
Don't call me "sir"! I'm sorry. I mean... I mean "mister", sir.
Uh-oh! We got a moron here, is that it?
No, mister, I... That is...
Lieutenant. Yes, sir, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Colonel. In 26 years, nobody ever busted me four grades before!
Get in here, you idiot!
Come a little closer. I wanna get a better look at you.
How's your skin, son?
My skin, sir?
Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm sorry...
Just call me Frank. Call me Mr Slade.
Call me Colonel if you must. Just don't call me "sir"!
All right...Colonel.
Simms, Charles, a senior. You on student aid, Simms?
Yes, I am.
For "student aid", read "crook".
Your father peddles car telephones at a 300% mark-up. Your mother works in a camera store.
Graduated to it from espresso machines. Ha-ha!
What are you? Dying of some wasting disease?
No, I'm right here.
I know exactly where your body is.
What I'm looking for is some indication of a brain. Too much football without a helmet?
Ha!
Lyndon's line on Gerry Ford.
Deputy debriefer, Paris peace talks, '68.
Snagged the silver star and a silver bar. Threw me into G2.
G2?
Intelligence... of which you have none.
Where you from?!
Er...Gresham, Oregon...
..Colonel.
What does your daddy do in Gresham, Oregon, hmm? Count woodchips?
Er, my stepfather and my mom run a convenience store.
Ooh, how convenient! What time do they open? 5am.
Close? 1am.
Hard workers.
You got me all misty-eyed(!)
So, what are you doin' here in this sparrow-fart town?
I attend Baird.
"Attend Baird"!
I know you go to the Baird School.
The point is, how do you afford it, even with this student aid and the folks back home hustling corn nuts?
I won a Young American Merit Scholarship.
Hoo-Ha!
# Glory, glory, hallelujah
# Glory, glory, hallelujah... #
KNOCK AT WINDOW
Who's there?
Is it that little piece of tail?
Get her outta here!
There...
Can't believe they're my blood!
The IQ of sloths, and the manners of banshees!
He's a mechanic, she's a home-maker.
He knows as much about cars as a beauty queen. She bakes cookies that taste like wing-nuts!
The tarts, they're twits. How's your skin, son? I like my aides to be presentable.
Well, I...
I've had a few zits.
But my roommate, he lent me his Clinique...
The History Of My Skin by Charles Simms.
You patronising me, peewee? Hmm?
You giving me that prep school palaver?
Baird School!
Bunch of runny-nosed snots in tweed jackets, all studying to be George Bush!
I believe President Bush went to Andover, Colonel.
You sharp-shootin' me, punk?
Is that what you're doin'? Don't you sharp-shoot me!
You'll give me 40. Then you're gonna give me 40 more.
Then you're gonna pull KP. The grease pit!
I'll rub your nose in enlisted men's crud till you don't know which end is up!
You understand?!
What do you want? What do you mean? What do you want here?!
I want... I want a job.
A job?
I want a job so I can make my plane fare home.
Oh, God, you're touching(!)
# Used to walk on the banks
# Of the mighty Mississippi
# Wondering the whole night through
# Till the riverboat came
# Docked and made a killing
# Bring it home back to you... #
Still here, poor mouth?
Hmm?
Convenience store, my ass!
Hustlin' jalapeno dips to the apple seeds!
Go on!
Dismissed.
Dismissed!
MUSIC RESTARTS
# Evangeline
# Evangeline... #
Mrs Rossi?
Charlie! We're up here.
Come on up!
This is Donny. Hey!
Hi.
Er, Mrs Rossi, I got the feeling I screwed up.
You couldn't have. It was a bad interview.
You're the only one that showed up. You HAVE to take the job.
He sleeps a lot. You can watch television, call your girlfriend... It's an easy 300 bucks.
I don't get an easy feeling.
His bark is worse than his bite.
You know, he was a great soldier - a real hero.
The man grows on you. By Sunday night, you'll be best friends.
Charlie, please. I wanna get away with my husband, and Uncle Frank won't come with us.
Six months ago, he could tell light from dark, but now there's nothing.
I just feel better having someone else around, just in case.
Please?
OK, Mrs Rossi. Sure.
Thank you, Charlie.
There you are.
< Chas, hold on!
How you doing? Good. That's great!
This can't go out. It's on reserve.
Here's a thing, OK?
I need the book tonight. It's the Thanksgiving quiz in the morning.
That's why it's on reserve. This is our only copy.
Chas, without that book, I'm dead, OK?
If it's not back by 7.30...
I promise. I promise.
Just a second. I gotta lock up.
OK...
God! Can you wait to get out of this dump, or what?
Where are you guys going skiing? Sugarloaf or...? BUSH. Sugarbush.
That's my boys! What are you doing?!
Keep your voice down! I'll tell you about it in the morning.
Sh!
Shit!
Mrs Hunsaker...
George, why all the noise?
It's Hunsaker! Go! Go!
I'm messing around with Chas.
Good evening, Charles.
MRS HUNSAKER: What WAS that?
I don't know, ma'am.
Who were those boys?
Oh, who knows?!
Charles? Er...
Did you make this scarf?
No, George, I bought it.
Yeah? Cos it's a beauty.
Thank you.
Why don't you give me one of your big hugs?
Oh, George! Good evening, boys.
'Night, Mrs Hunsaker.
OVER TANNOY: 'Mr Trask is our fearless leader.
'A man of learning, a voracious reader.
'He can recite The Iliad in Ancient Greek
'While fishing for trout in a rippling creek.
'Endowed with wisdom, of judgment sound,'
Nevertheless, about him the questions abound.
'How does Mr Trask make such wonderful deals?
'Why did the trustees buy him Jaguar wheels?'
He wasn't conniving,
'He wasn't crass.
'He merely puckered his lips
and kissed their ass.'
GENERAL LAUGHTER
Come on, come on!
One more, come on!
Nah!
Mr Simms,
Mr Willis...
Mrs Hunsaker says both you gentlemen were at a vantage point to observe who was responsible for this, er...
stunt.
Who was it?
I really couldn't tell you, sir.
I thought I saw someone fooling with the lamppost,
but by the time I pulled focus, they were gone.
Mr Simms?
I couldn't say.
That automobile is not just a possession of mine.
That automobile was presented to me by the Board of Trustees.
It is a symbol of the standard of excellence for which this school is known,
and I will not have it tarnished.
The automobile?
The standard, Mr Willis.
What's your position, Mr Simms? On what, sir?
On preserving the reputation of Baird. I'm for Baird.
Then who did it? I really couldn't say for sure.
Very well.
First thing Monday, I'm convening a special session of the Student Faculty Disciplinary Committee.
The entire student body will be present.
There will be no classes, no activities.
NOTHING will transpire here until that proceeding is concluded!
And if we are no further along than we are now,
I will expel you both.
WILLIS CLEARS HIS THROAT
Mr Willis, would you excuse us?
Have a nice Thanksgiving.
Thank you. You too, Mr Willis.
I will.
DOOR CLOSES
Mr Simms,
I'm not quite through with you yet.
One of the few perks of this office is that I am...
empowered to handle certain matters on my own as I see fit.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir. Good.
The dean of admissions at Harvard and I have an arrangement.
Along with the sheaf of applicants from Baird, of which two-thirds are guaranteed admittance,
I add one name -
somebody who's a stand-out, and yet underprivileged.
A student who cannot afford to pay the board and tuition in Cambridge.
Do you know on whose behalf I drafted a memo this year?
No, sir.
You.
You, Mr Simms.
NOW can you tell me?
No, sir, I can't.
You take the weekend to think about it, Mr Simms.
Good afternoon.
What did he say? Nothing. Nothing? He said the same thing he said to both of us.
You know what he's doing? He's good-cop/bad-copping us.
He knows I'm old guard. You're fringe. He's gonna soft-soap you.
Did he try and soft-soap you? Did he?
No.
I detect a slight panic pulse. Are you panicking? Yeah, a little.
Come on. You're on a scholarship, right? Yeah.
You on scholarship from Oregon at Baird. You're a long way from home, Chas.
What's that got to do with anything?
I don't know how it works out there. But here, we stick together.
It's us against them, no matter what.
We don't cover our ass. We don't tell our parents.
Stonewall everybody!
And, above all,
never, never leave any of us twisting in the wind.
And that's it.
What does it have to do with me being on a scholarship?
I'm just trying to bring you up to speed, kid.
Thanks.
I'll tell you what. Give me a few hours to figure out the moves, and call me tonight in Vermont.
I'll be at the Sugarbush Lodge, right? Right.
You all right?
Yeah, I guess so.
OK.
Keep him down to four drinks a day. Try keeping him down to 40!
We try to water them down a little. It's a long ride, honey.
Get the bags. I'll be right out.
Mommy, Mommy, don't forget Uncle Frank's walk!
Oh, yeah. >
Er...you have to air him out a little every day.
Why don't you go on back there and get yourself oriented, and then I'll come out in a minute?
I wouldn't try a thing like that unless I knew. Would you just let me speak to her?
Hello, beautiful, is that you? ..Yeah, we spoke yesterday.
Did you have a glass of wine with lunch? You sound a little dusky.
Ahem.
Just a minute, sweetheart.
You're back, huh?
Tenacious! Get out my dress blues. They're in a bag in the closet.
Get the shoulderboards from the top dresser drawer, and affix them shoulders right and left, ASAP.
Hello.
Sorry to keep you, sweetheart. Now, I don't like to rush things,
but I'm catching a 4pm at Logan, and there's not a taxi in sight.
What happened to Chet? He didn't invest in a radio yet?
Ha! Well, get your driver on it.
Tell him to get a move on!
Yes.
Mm-hm.
Some kinda body has got to go with that bedroom voice. One day, I'll get a look at it.
You bet!
Bye.
My pack's underneath the bed. Get it out. Put the boards on the blues and fold them in.
Are we going someplace, Colonel? What business is that of yours?
Don't shrug. I'm blind. Save your body language for the bimbi.
Now, get my gear out.
VOICES OUTSIDE
It's almost three and the goddamn Flintstones haven't left yet.
# Francine must go in the car! #
Here's Mrs Rossi. Dammit! She's said goodbye three times.
What has she got? Separation anxiety?
Cut her off at the door!
Hi, honey!
Bye, honey!
I wish you were coming with us.
Me, too. Maybe next time.
Drive carefully.
(Charlie.)
(This is where we'll be. Good luck. Don't let him drink too much.)
See you, Charlie.
And no 900 numbers - he loves to talk dirty.
All right, let's get to work.
The old buckles giving you trouble? Never in the Boy Scouts, sluggo?
I made Tenderfoot. Tenderfoot, my foot!
Convenience store momma's boy. Let me take a look.
Touch me again, and I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! I touch YOU.
Understand?
My shoulderboards are in the top dresser drawer. Get them, son.
The epaulettes with the silver oak leaf.
These? Are these them?
Good. Taxi come yet?
Colonel, where are we going? Where are we going?
Freakshow Central. Where's that?
New York City.
That's in New York, son. New York State.
Mrs Rossi didn't say anything to me about going anywhere. She forgot.
Well, shall we call her? Are you kidding me? Call her?!
By the time they get to Albany in that huckmobile HE drives...
Colonel, I can't go to New York City. Why not?
New York... New York City's too much responsibility.
I had a lot of 17-year-olds in my first platoon. I took care of them.
All set!
How do I look?
Tickets, money...
speech.
Old Washington joke, from my days with Lyndon!
BLAST ON HORN
Ho-oh! Our transportation.
Are you ready?
A simple "yes" will do.
Er... Good. Here you go.
Come on. Hop to it, son!
You're in front of me.
CAT MEWS
Tomster? Come here!
Come on.
Good Tomster. Good little Tomster, yeah.
Remember: when in doubt, fuck!
Good afternoon, sir. Where's our destination?
Our destination? New York City, home of the brave.
Two for the shuttle to New York. Those are first-class tickets! Yes, sir!
Colonel, I never said I'd go. Are you some chicken-shit who sticks to the job description?
Gate 46, sir.
As you were, Sarge. Thank you, sir.
Which way is the door?
Are you blind? Are YOU blind?
Of course not. Then why do you keep grabbing my goddamn arm?
I take YOUR arm.
I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. How would YOU know, watching MTV all your life?
Gentlemen... Yes!
A Jack Daniel's... You bet!
And a Diet Slice... The old Diet Slice.
And a water. Thank you, Daphne.
Certainly, sir.
Aaah! Mmm! How did you know her name?
Well, she's wearing Floris.
Now, that's an English cologne.
But her voice is California chickie.
Now, California chickie bucking for English lady, you call her Daphne.
Oh, big things may happen to that little thing of yours.
Look, Colonel...
I'll get you to New York, all right? Uh-huh.
But then I gotta come back. Chuck, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Charlie, all right?
Or Charles.
Sorry. I can't blame you, though. Chuck is a...
Why are we going to New York?
Information is given on a "need to know" basis.
Hoo-ah! Where's Daphne? Let's get her down here.
She's in the back.
Our tail's in the tail.
Ha!
Oh, but I still smell her.
Women!
What can you say?
Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius!
Hair...
They say that hair's everything, you know.
Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls...
and wanted to go to sleep for ever?
Or lips...
And when they touch yours, they're like that first swallow of wine,
after you've crossed the desert.
Tits!
Hoo-Ha!
Big ones, little ones - nipples staring right out at you
like secret searchlights.
Mmm!
Legs.
I don't care if they're Greek columns or second-hand Steinways!
What's between them...
..a passport to heaven!
I need a drink.
Yes, Mr Simms.
There's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing...
..pussy!
Ha!
Are you listening, son? I'm givin' you pearls here! I guess you really like women.
Oh! Above all things!
A very, very distant second...
is a Ferrari.
Charlie...
..give me your hand.
This is the start of your education.
Hoo-ah! Where are we?
Where are we?
The cynosure of all things civilised - the Waldorf-Astoria.
The last time I was here was with the G2 from Brussels. Had a Ferrari.
Every day, I held the door open for the fucker. Never even offered me a ride! Well, fuck him!
He's dead, and I'm blind.
Spread the word. Thank you, sir.
And the intelligence will be forthcoming? Sir?
On the escort scene. Er...yes, sir.
And welcome to the Waldorf.
Gracias, amigo.
Puerto Ricans. Always made the best infantrymen.
I'm home again.
Give me an inventory on this, will you?
All right, where am I? In Asia?
He said the phone was on the other side of the room by the windows.
It's right here.
OK...
We're in business.
Get me the Oak Room.
How's that inventory comin'?
Er...
There's Jim Beam, and Early Times.
Quartermaster's on the take! ..Hello.
Is Sheldon or Mac there?
Yeah, this is Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade. I used to come in with a General Garvisch...
That's probably because he's at Arlington, six feet under. Listen.
I want a table for two, and I don't mean Siberia. 8.15pm.
Clear them little bottles off,
and tell them I want it wall-to-wall with John Daniel's.
Er...don't you mean JACK Daniel's?
It's John when you've known him as long as I have. ..Hello!
This is Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade. I would like a limo. 8pm.
What are YOU drinkin'?
Er...nothing, thanks. I don't use it.
What's USEFUL about it?
I don't know. Colonel, I have to get going.
Where are you goin'? Back to school. I've got some important stuff to do.
Very well. But I never let my aides leave on an empty stomach.
You'll dine with me. Then, my driver will transport you to the airport
for the Boston shuttle, departing at 2200 hours.
Meanwhile, unpack my bag. I'm gonna christen the latrine.
What's your name, driver?
Manny, sir.
Manny, are the bell-hops at the Waldorf good at getting escorts?
I wouldn't know, sir. What WOULD you know?
About what? About you-know-what!
Well, maybe I could manage something.
I'm talking top of the line now. Let me think about this, sir.
What's the matter with you?
With me? Yeah. The car feels heavy - you've got the fuckin' weight of the world on your shoulders.
Look, I got a little problem at school, that's all.
Spit it out! It's not a big deal. Where are we going? The Oak Room?
If it's not a big deal, why did you say, "Real important stuff?" Are you banging the dean's daughter?
No. I'm just in a little trouble. What kind?
I saw some guys doing something.
To tell or not to tell, or it's your ass, hmm?
How did you know that? I'm a wizard!
Give me the details! Come on!
There's this guy at school named Harry, and he's this real rich kid, and he runs the show.
Who else?
There's another guy, George, but he didn't do anything.
George and I saw Harry and his buddies doing something.
Do the folks at Baird know that you and George can identify the guilty parties?
Yeah, they think we can.
George is a friend? He's not a friend, but he's all right.
You trust him? Yeah, I guess so.
He's on a scholarship too? No. Why?
We got George, we got Harry, we got trouble.
They're rich, you're poor. You wanna graduate and GET rich.
Am I right? No, it's not that way.
OK, Charlie.
Here we are, gentlemen. The Oak Room. The Oak Room!
Bring us a menu, and a double Jack Daniel's on the rocks.
Perhaps you'll feel more comfortable in this, sir.
SLADE WOLF-WHISTLES
You look great!
Here we are, Charlie. The Oak Room.
Now, read me the bill of fare.
Let's see... You've got the Oak Room burger and fries for $24.
Where's the booze? Flowing like mud.
Twenty-four-dollar hamburger?! What's the story? What story?
Are you like a rich miser or something?
Ha! No, I'm just your average blind man.
Your average blind man(!) How do you plan on paying for all this stuff?
Crisp, clean dollars. American. I saved up my disability cheques.
How much did you save? We flew first class, this is a $24 hamburger restaurant...
All part of a plan. Can you let me in on it?
Why should I? You don't give a shit.
You're leaving - on that last shuttle out of La Guardia.
Ooh!
You got 15 minutes. I don't think you're gonna make it.
Unless the Oak Room keeps some complimentary helicopter on the roof. No, sir.
No. You're here till tomorrow.
You said the last shuttle leaves at 2200 hours. That's 10pm, right?
Last I heard, yeah. Yeah, well it's only 8.30pm.
I lied. Leaves at nine.
It leaves at 9pm? Calm down, calm down!
Ahh!
The truth is, Charlie,
I need a guide dog to help me execute my plan. What plan?
You have a right to know.
It's not really a plan, Charlie. It's more like a...tour.
A little tour of pleasures.
Stay in a first-class hotel,
eat an agreeable meal, drink a nice glass of wine,
see my big brother - nothing like family, you know -
and then make love to a terrific woman.
After that...
Yeah?
I'm gonna lie down on my big, beautiful bed at the Waldorf
and blow my brains out.
May I tell you our specials? You may, sir.
We have charred venison with buckwheat spatzle,
grilled veal paillotte, and tomato tapenade. Get me a napkin.
And if you would like our crepe souffle for desert, please order now.
Yes, on the souffle. Give us half a minute on the rest. Very good.
I'm leaning toward the spatzle. Colonel... Rolls on the table?
Give them to me. You should try them.
I used to dream about them when I was at Fort Wachuka. Colonel...
Bread's no good west of Colorado. Water's too alkaline. ..Ooh!
Did I hear you right? You said you're gonna kill yourself?
No. I said I was gonna blow my brains out.
Try one of these rolls, Charlie. I buttered it for you.
I don't want a roll, all right? OK, have a radish.
Ha!
Hello?
Bring me a double Jack Daniel's on the rocks. Yes, sir. Right away. Ahem!
(Mineral water.) Please!
Don't do that.
Don't do that!
Mmm!
What a marvellous place!
OK...
Yeah.
Your billet is here.
You'll find bedding in the closet on the shelf.
In the morning, the area will be returned to sitting-room mode no later than 0700 hours.
What was that?
It was nothing.
Next time, snap it out!
Thumb to palm, index finger through little digit smartly aligned.
SHARP to the hairline, DOWN!
Too many men far better than you have executed that courtesy,
and if you're smart, you won't try it again.
This bat has got sharper radar than the Nautilus.
Don't fuck with me, Charlie!
See you get a good night's sleep, son.
# It's a lovely day today
# So, whatever you gotta do
# You got a lovely day to do it in, that's true. #
Morning, Charlie.
Good morning. This is Sofia, Charlie.
She's a magician with a needle.
She's working me up a little number, and she's making something for you.
I don't need any clothes, Colonel.
Standard issue for an urban assignment. On completion of duty, you can give them away.
Juice, coffee, and other goodies on the trolley. Get yourself up.
# It's a great day for singin' a song
# And it's a great day for movin' along
# And it's a great day from morning to night
# And it's a great day...
# For everybody's plight. #
HE LAUGHS
How are you feeling today, Colonel?
Super!
Superior!
Superfluous!
Young Sofia's working Thanksgiving to put herself through college.
I told her you were heading for college. Excuse me.
Where are you goin'? I need to use the phone. There's phones in here. I don't want to disturb you.
You're not disturbing me. I'd like to be private.
Stay outta my room! This is as private as you're gonna get.
# But if you've got somethin' that must be done
# And it can't all be done by one... #
Sofia, what are the chances of suiting you up some time?
'Sugarbush Lodge.' George Willis.
'Hello.' George, it's Charlie. 'Hey, Chas. Next year, you gotta come up with us.
'White powder on a base of snow bunnies.
'Chas, are you there?' Yeah, I'm here. You told me to call you for the moves.
'For now, the move is no move. Status quo. Everything's the way we left it.'
How did we leave it?
'See no evil, hear no evil.
'You know what I mean, Chas?'
Yeah. See no evil, hear no evil.
'OK, then. Walk like you talk.' All right. Bye.
George Willis, huh? Yeah.
George Willis. That makes his father, probably, George Willis Senior.
What do you think big George is gonna feel about little George seeing no evil, hearing no evil?
Well, we're not gonna tell our parents.
We're just gonna keep it between ourselves.
Oh, George isn't gonna tell his father about this thing?
Ooh! Aah! Ha! Scusi, Colonello. Prego. I love it when you hurt me!
Tell me now, Charlie.
This George Willis Jr, what does his father do? I don't really know.
Well, I'm gonna tell you.
When George Willis Sr isn't busy as a million-dollar man - distributor for the Chrysler Corporation -
he concerns himself with his young son, George Willis Jr.
George won't say anything to his father.
Oh, Charlie!
Big George is gonna wind up little George, and little George is gonna sing like a canary!
You've got this all figured out?! Well, it don't take no Young American Merit Scholarship!
You had a little life, and you've put yourself in the market for a big one.
You have to tell these people what they want to know.
You think so? Are we finished, Sofia? Yes.
Grazie. Grazie tante.
Charlie...
If you don't sing now,
you'll end up not only shelving biscuits in some convenience store in the Oregon 'burbs,
but probably the last words you'll hear yourself say before you croak are gonna be, "Have a nice day!"
Sofia!
Measure up Charlie here pronto! We got a date for Thanksgiving. A date?
My brother's place. WR Slade. White Plains, New York.
Colonel, I can't go with you. I should be getting back to school.
Well, you gotta have Thanksgiving somewhere.
How about eats and treats? I could use the company.
Yeah. Does he know I'm coming?
He doesn't know I'M coming! Wait till you see the look on his face when he sees me! Oh, he loves me!
Oh, Charlie,
there are two kinds of people in this world - those who face the music, and those who run for cover.
Cover's better.
OK, Sofia, suit him up!
Make him pretty!
Careful!
Should I ring it? Yeah.
Yes?
Yes?! Who is this?
It's Randy.
Randy... You new? I'm your nephew.
Ha! Your sister's been hoarding me. Time to spread the riches around.
Uncle Frank.
Gloria! Gail.
Say hello to the pot-luck party from New York City -
good old Uncle Frank and this is Charlie Simms,
star half-back of the Baird School football team!
Where's your miserable father? Wait... No, no, let's surprise him.
Give that fat heart of his an attack.
Willie!
Oh, Willie!
Hello, Frank.
How are you doing, Rab? OK. There's my hand.
Charlie, meet WR Slade. Nice to meet you, sir.
The original bulging briefcase man.
Gretchen, I smell those prunes. Are we talking Turkey Marbella? Yes, we are. Ooh!
Let's have a whiff. You know I always had a sneaker for you.
Mmm!
COUGHING
Ha!
Where are you, Garry?
Who are you again? I'm staying at the Waldorf-Astoria with your brother.
WR's final issue.
But who the hell are you? I'm taking care of him for the weekend.
Charlie!
Sorry.
Where's the booze? Flowing like mud.
The colonel's not well, I don't think. Not well?
I think he's a little lonely. Why not take him to YOUR family?
I heard that!
Pay no attention to him, Charlie. That's just big brother talk.
He's been watching out for me since day one. Bailed me out of more trouble than he'd like to remember.
Hmm? Let me take your coat.
I meant to pick up some vino on my way up, but I blew it!
I'll send you the Rothschild again for Christmas.
I'll set two more places.
Here's your drink, Frank.
Thank you, Randy. Still with Snow Queen Sugar?
Snow FLAKE. Why do you always get that wrong?
Cos it's not important. What are you doing there?
I'm vice-president for marketing.
Hoo-ah! Congratulations! Sugar is shit, though.
I told General Abrahams to install honey in the commissaries. If the K-50s didn't kill you, sugar would!
Ha!
Why don't we sit down? Ooh! Mitsuki. Rhymes with nookie!
When the wife gets restless, the wife gets racy. OK, let's eat.
Follow me!
Thank you, Charlie.
RANDY: Are you going to arrange yourself at the head again?
No, any old card table will do. This is fine.
Where was I? Oh...so, it's 4am. I don't know who I'm with or why I'm there,
or where I am.
What am I gonna do? I've got this Asian flower on the one hand,
and this hard-boiled Navy nurse out of Omaha on the other.
We're three across the bed, not a stitch of clothes on. Then, it comes to me.
Let East meet West, and we'll build a golden bridge.
Ha! I felt like I'd joined the Corps of Engineers.
Ha!
We all still here?
It's a beautiful story.
Do you always enjoy shocking people, Uncle Frank?
I didn't know you were so easily shocked, Randy. I'm touched.
Do you remember the time I persuaded
Frank to go to the kennel?
What about it?
You almost put them out of business. Cool it!
It's over and done with, you know? Indeed it is, Garry.
And so is dinner. Charlie, what time is it? We should be going.
Ever thought about a Braille watch, Frank?
Randy...
Stevie Wonder wears one.
Honey, please.
It's all right, Gloria...
My wife's name is Gail. Do you hear that? Gail.
Excuse me. Gail.
Gail strikes me as a very beautiful woman, but there's tension in her voice.
It could be one of two things. She's either nervous or unsatisfied.
What's your point, Uncle Frank? You ought to go down on her!
Cut it out, Frank!
You've forgotten the taste of real HONEY! Frank, for God's sake!
There's fire under that dress! Cut it out! Get the fuck out!
Hoo-Ha!
Go down to the Bowery with the other fuckin' drunks!
Wait a minute. What? Just take it easy. What for?
You want me to lay off him, Chuckie, cos he's blind? No...
My friend's name is Charles, not Chuckie.
This is a family get-together... Just a warning.
Jesus! Another sucker who thinks this shit-heel's a war hero!
Hoo-ah!
Well, once, maybe...
Did he tell you about being on Johnson's staff? I was going to go, but now, I'm not leaving!
Ha!
Frank was earmarked for general.
"Earmarked". Good word. He spits in everybody's eye. That's enough!
So, they - what do they call it when give you the shaft?
Passed over! Right. Frank was "passed over" for promotion.
A couple of times.
And then... Shut your mouth! He blew himself up.
Stop it!
Our colonel here had a grenade-juggling act at Fort Bragg. Fort Benning.
He was teaching hand-to-hand combat. Look at me when you're talking to me! I'm looking!
His partner in the act was some captain. Major - Vincent Squires.
They'd have low-cal breakfasts - a Bloody Mary for Frank's partner. No, Vincent drank Sea Breezes.
The judge advocate at Benning said Slade had FOUR to his partner's one.
He's really flying, he gets excited, and starts pulling the pins out.
One grenade got away from him.
Boom!
One that got away.
Oh, the pin was in, Frank claims.
In or out, what fucking lunatic juggles grenades?
Vinny came out OK.
All Frank lost was his eyesight.
Wanna know the truth? You got a handle on that?
He was an asshole before. Hoo-Ha!
Now all he is is a blind asshole.
Hoo-ah!
Hey...
God's a funny guy!
God doth have a sense of humour.
Maybe God thinks some people don't deserve to see.
(Hoo-ah.)
Ha!
Do you get the point, Chuckie?
His name is Charles.
You can say that, can't you? Charles.
This is a ranger choke-hold. Colonel, let go, please. A little pressure, I bust your windpipe.
Colonel, I don't care what he said. Charles... Just let go.
Gretchen...
you outdid yourself.
If you twist my arm, we're talking Turkey Marbella NEXT year.
Who knows?
Frank...
Goodbye, Willie.
I'm no fuckin' good.
And I never have been.
Come on, Charlie. Get the coats.
Come on. Watch your step.
Hold it! Another one.
Nueva York, compadre.
Vamos!
CLINKING OF METAL
You got a watch?
Er...it's 7.20. I didn't ask you the time. I asked if you had a watch.
Yeah, in the other room. Get it.
Colonel, there's a clock next to your bed.
Does it have a second hand?
Yeah.
Time me!
How long?
Er...
About 30 seconds.
I'm rusty!
Where did you get a gun, Colonel? Piece or weapon. Never a gun.
Where did you get the piece?
I'm an officer in the United States Army. This is my side-arm.
You're not an officer any more. So, I'm retired. So what?
An officer never relinquishes his .45.
You'd better relinquish it to me or I'm gonna call Mrs Rossi. Good idea.
Then I'm going back to school. Good. Blue skies, green lights.
I hope you have a wonderful trip. You gotta be able to do a .45 in 25.
Did you time me? No, I did not.
And I'm calling Albany.
That was stupid!
Was it?
You're stuck with me, Charlie.
No, I'm outta here. Where you goin'? New Hampshire?
You got no money. How are you gonna do that?
Mmm!
Karen's number TASTES like Albany!
Ha!
Fine!
I'm leaving. Charlie. CHARLIE!
All I want from you... is another day.
For what?
One last tour of the battlefield.
I can get around a city like New York.
But I sometimes need a point in the right direction.
What do you say, Charlie? What's one day between friends?
All right. Say I stay for another day. Will you give me your weapon?
Oh, I'm a Lieutenant Colonel, United States Army.
I don't give up my fuckin' gun.
Now, what are you drinking? This is unacceptable!
Unacceptable? What do you give me that prep school crap for?
They've taken the Oregon out of you and put in Harvard Business School!
Give me your bullets.
You do see the sense of it, Charlie, don't you?
I can't chew the leather any more.
So why should I share the tribe's provisions?
I mean, there's NO-ONE... wants to tear a herring with me any more.
The bullets, Colonel. "The bullets, Colonel." Sound like a guy in Lives Of A Bengal Lancer!
What do YOU give a shit for?
About what?
About what? About whether I blow my brains out or not.
Because I have a conscience, you know. You have a conscience?
I forgot.
The Charlie conscience!
Do we tell? Do we not tell?
Do we follow the rich boys' code or not?
Do we let this blind asshole die or not?
Yeah...
Conscience, Charlie(!)
When were you born, son?
Around the time of the Round Table? Ha!
Haven't you heard?
Conscience is dead!
No, I haven't heard.
Then take the fuckin' wax out of your ears!
GROW UP!!
It's fuck your buddy! Cheat on your wife!
Call your mother on Mother's Day.
Charlie, it's all shit!
Where are you going?
I got a piss call.
I know I said I need you for just one day,
but even I can't hold it that long!
Oh, and Charlie,
you forgot the one in the chamber.
Ha!
There you go, sir.
Thank you.
26 years in the service, never let an aide shine my shoes.
Where are you gonna be in 26 years, Charlie?
Playing golf with your friends from the Baird School!
You know, I don't even like those guys.
Course you don't! They're assholes. It'd be a pleasure to squeal on them.
Yeah, well, I'm not a squealer. Not a squealer(!)
What is this?! The Dreyfus case?
Ooh! Ooh, Mama!
There you go. Thank you. Thank you.
Watch your step.
I'm getting that heavy feeling again, Charlie.
There's more to this, isn't there?
Isn't there?
I was offered a bribe. Oh, now we're cookin'!
Mr Trask, the headmaster, promised to get me into Harvard if...
If you squealed?
Yeah. What a dilemma!
Should Charlie Simms accept a free ride into Harvard or not?
What would your friend George do if he were in your shoes?
He is, practically. How? It's just that Mr Trask hasn't promised to get HIM into Harvard.
Mr Trask doesn't have to. George's father's gonna take care of that.
Do the deal, Charlie. Take it. Go to Harvard.
I can't do that.
Why not?
There's just some things you just can't do.
Explain 'em to me.
Louder, please. I...I can't...
You're gonna have a tough time in this world, Charlie.
To ease the blow, let me buy you a drink. Come on.
Double Jack Daniel's on the rocks, and bring my friend a Shirley Temple.
Er, hold on. Do you have beer?
Certainly. May I see some ID?
Do you want to walk the rest of your life, chappie? I'm sorry...
I'm a regular here. My boy's going on 23.
Why don't you call up front? Mr Gilbert. He's a friend of mine.
Any particular beer?
Schlitz.
No Schlitz? Blatt's.
No Blatt's? Improvise.
I'll do my best, sir. Thank you, sir.
You're human, Charlie.
Beer?!
Who are we drinking with? I'm getting a nice soap-and-water feeling from down there.
Er...female.
Female?
You must like her. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so casual.
She alone? Yeah, she's alone.
Things are heating up! Chestnut hair?
Brown. Light brown.
22?
What am I? A guy at a carnival?
Day we stop looking, Charlie, is the day we die.
Move! Where? You know where, son. Don't be coy, Charlie!
This woman is made for you. Goddamn beautiful, isn't she?
She's not bad... Ooh, bingo! The boy's alive!
Come on, son. Perambulate.
Perambulate.
Excuse me, senorita. Do you mind if we join you?
I'm feeling you're being neglected.
Well, I'm expecting somebody.
Instantly?
No, but any minute now. Any minute? Some people live a lifetime in a minute.
What are you doing right now? I'm...waiting for him.
Well, would you mind if we waited with you, just to keep the womanisers from bothering you?
No, I don't mind.
Thank you.
Charlie...
You know,
I detect a fragrance in the air.
Don't tell me what it is. ..Ogilvy Sisters soap.
That's amazing!
I'm in the amazing business! It IS Ogilvy Sisters!
My grandmother gave me three bars.
Crazy about your grandmother! She'd have liked Charlie, too. Don't pay any attention! What's your name?
Donna.
Donna, I'm Frank. This here is...
Charlie.
Yes. She likes you.
Charlie's going through a crisis. How do you think he's holding up?
Oh, he looks fine to me.
Oh, she DOES like you, Charlie.
So, Donna...
do you tango?
No. I wanted to learn once, but...
But...?
But Michael didn't want to.
Michael? The one you're waiting for?
Michael thinks the tango's hysterical.
I think Michael's hysterical!
Don't pay any attention to him!
What a beautiful laugh!
Thank you, Frank.
Would you like to learn to tango, Donna?
Right now?
I'm offering you my services, free of charge. What do you say?
Er...
I think I'd be a little afraid.
Of what?
Afraid of making a mistake.
No mistakes in the tango, Donna. Not like life.
It's simple. That's what makes the tango so great. If you get tangled up, you just tango on!
Why don't you try?
Will you try it?
All right, I'll give it a try.
Hold me down, son!
Your arm...
Charlie...
(I'm gonna need some co-ordinates here, son.)
Er...the floor's about 20 by 30, and you're at the long end.
There's some tables on the outside, and the band's on the right.
BAND STOPS PLAYING
BAND STRIKES UP AGAIN
Oh, Frank. You are one incredible dancer!
Wait till you see Charlie dance! He's a liar - I don't dance.
Isn't he a charmer, though?
Not only can he dance, but he'll sing you a hell of a tune and do bird calls!
Hi, honey. Hi.
Michael, this is Frank, and this is Charlie.
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, that's OK.
These two gentlemen entertained me...and time flew.
Your girl is a hell of a tango dancer! You've found someone to tango with!
Let me shake your hand! No, it was Frank. I'll shake both your hands!
Honey, we gotta go. We got a date with Darryl and Carol
in the Village. All right. Do you have a check?
Michael, please. My pleasure. Oh, no. I got this.
Get your hand out of your pocket. I'll take it. Really. Allow me.
Why, thank you. Bye, guys.
Bye.
Darryl and Carol(!)
Yes...
It's apartment 17E, Colonel. She's expecting you.
She's the creme de la creme.
My buddy took the vice-chancellor of Germany to her - now he wants to emigrate! You did good!
My hair, how is it?
It's perfect.
I got the red foulard OK, didn't I? Yeah, real dark red.
Burgundy, Charlie. Burgundy. They love it.
Bay Rum.
Windsor knot.
That's my heart I'm feeling.
I'm off.
Can you get long-distance on this?
Be my guest.
HE DIALS A NUMBER
'Sugarbush Lodge.' Hi, George Willis, please. 'One moment, please.'
'Hello?' Er...Harry?
'Chas! How are you? We're about to shoot George over to the airport.' Why's he going to the airport?
'Hold on. Maybe you should talk to the man himself.'
'Chas?' Yeah, hi, George. 'You just caught me.'
That's what Harry said. Where are you going? 'Home.' To Boston? 'I'm catching the puddle-jumper.'
What are you going home for?
'I was thinking, Chas. This asshole Trask is making no sense at all.
'Somebody's got to talk to him. My father's...' Your father?
We were going to keep our parents out of this.
'Trask is out of control, Chas! Somebody's got to talk to him.
'My father's a major fundraiser, you know.' No, I didn't.
'He'll get us off the hook. Well, I gotta go. Everything all right?'
Sure.
'See you Monday. Bye.' Bye.
Thank you. Goodnight, sir. Goodnight.
Watch the door.
What a beautiful woman!
Hello!
'Do you see what I see? Yeah.
'Either there's something wrong or we've got the world's worst hangover.
'Won't you come in?'
Colonel?
Colonel, are you all right?
What is it?
It's after noon. You've been sleeping all morning.
So what?
I don't know. I thought...
I talked to George last night.
His father's a big deal at the school - he's got a lot of pull.
Really?
Yeah, he's gonna talk to the headmaster.
George thinks he might be able to get us off the hook.
"Get US off the hook"?
Yeah, that's what he said.
Well, watch the "us" part.
Colonel, don't you want to get up and do something?
HE SIGHS
Colonel.
Oh, Charlie, what do you want?
I don't know,
but you're making me nervous.
My wallet is on the dresser.
Take out your plane ticket,
and $400 -
mustering-out pay, plus...
..airport-to-school taxi.
Colonel, there's no rush. I mean, I could...
I could stay for a while.
Charlie, you already gave me a day,
and for that day I am eternally grateful.
But right now I have...
other plans.
What other plans do you have?
To die, son.
Colonel, you're...
Come on, Colonel. You're not gonna die today.
Charlie, give me your hand.
You go now, boy. OK?
You go and just...
..just leave me sleep here.
Look, can we start over, please?
What do you feel like doing today, huh?
I mean, the sun is shining. It's a beautiful day. Let's...
Colonel, I know you don't want to be a party poop, so let's go out and do something - go for a ride.
Yeah, a ride.
A ride?
Yeah, Colonel Slade. What do you say?
Let's go for a ride, huh?
What kind of ride?
This is a valid licence, and we let appropriate drivers test-drive the Testarossa,
but you're 17 and you're with a blind companion!
This is a $190,000 piece of machinery! All right, well how about this one?
That's the same deal. I'm not letting an unaccompanied kid drive a $110,000 car!
He will not be unaccompanied.
I'll be with him. I'm his father.
You're his father? Yes.
Why don't I take your father for a drive? What's your quota, Freddie?
Don't worry about my quota. How many Ferraris have you sold this month? That's irrelevant.
The '80s are over. Are these things just walking out of the store?
This is a fine piece of machinery. If you like it that much, why don't you sleep with it! Listen...
If this car performs the way I expect it to,
you will get a certified cheque for $101,000 tomorrow morning.
It's $109,000 plus $950 plus tax.
Freddie, for you,
107 all in, plus a case of champagne to go with your leftover turkey.
What do you say? Don't worry about the boy.
He drives so smooth, you can boil an egg on the engine. I'll peel the egg for you.
You made me laugh, but I can't let the car go out.
Want a deposit?
This is not an instalment item, sir.
Freddie,
you're no spring chicken, are you?
You know what they call me at the home office?
The Grey Ghost.
They keep me around cos no kid here can move a Ferrari like I can.
I'm known from coast to coast like butter on toast. Ask anybody about Freddie Bisco.
When I get a Ferrari - out the door! Ha! You just made ME laugh!
Two thousand.
And unless you take it, you're gonna make me cry.
I'm a grey ghost, too.
See? This is fun, isn't it?
ENGINE SURGES THEN DIES
Drop her into neutral,
slide her into second, pop the clutch.
ENGINE PICKS UP AGAIN
Straight...
Hold it like that. Do you feel it? Yeah. Just keep it straight.
Keep it straight. No fun just to keep it straight!
You gotta move it a little bit.
Please. Just like this, all right?
Take it nice and easy. Do you like this?
ENGINE ROARS
Slow it down a little, Colonel.
Colonel, slow it down.
Something's happened to my foot.
Colonel, slow it down, please. I think we got another gear here.
Colonel Slade!
Hoo-ah!
Watch out!
Ha! Ha!
You'll get us killed! Don't blame me - I can't see.
Colonel, slow it down! Ha! Ha!
Oh, Jesus! OK.
Now, let's see how this baby corners. Corners?
Yeah. Say when. Say when what?
Say when to turn. You can't turn the car!
Where's the turn, Charlie? Three o'clock? Two o'clock? Come on!
Talk to me! Er...
It's left, I guess. Left. I knew it. OK, now?
Not now!
Now? Colonel, please!
Charlie, I'm gonna do it anyway. Here we go...
Wait!
Here I go... Here I go... Wait...
Now!
Oh, shit!
Hoo-ah!
I did it! Oh, Charlie!
Yo! You're riding with one very happy man!
Turn again! Be specific!
Left now! OK.
Ye-e-eah! Hoo-ah! Ha!
I love this!
I love it! Shall we take it to the max?
Let me out!
SIREN WAILS
Shit! The yellow flag!
I haven't even opened her up yet.
Which way's the kerb? Pull over. Slow down. I'm doing it.
Slow it down. Yep, yep, I got it.
Hoo! I haven't had a ticket in years!
I'll do the talking.
Licence and registration?
Are you test-driving this baby?
Don't she purr, though?! At 70mph?
You should hear her at 125! Ha!
Where's your licence?
At the dealer's. They give it back to you when you return the car.
You got ID? You bet!
Indeed.
Lieutenant Colonel Slade.
And you, soldier? The name is Police Officer Gore.
Doin' a hell of a job, Gore.
Oh, and so are you, Colonel. Who's the kid?
My boy, Charlie. Kept telling me to let her out. What was I gonna do? Disappoint him?
Yes.
I tell you what I'm gonna do, Colonel. I'm gonna let you go. On one condition. What's that?
That you go straight back to the dealer.
You got it. Shut up!
You want this?
Sure.
Gore...
I know your face and voice. Ever in the officers' club at Da Nang?
No. Never in the army?
No, coastguard.
Good lord!
Ha! Ha!
Your dad is looking good, Charlie. He's got a heavy foot, though.
Tell him to take it light, all right?
I hear you! All right. Thanks.
Get out of the car, cos you are not driving any more.
Just keeping this baby warm, that's all.
I'm not driving any more.
Yes.
Take my arm. I'm OK.
Colonel, it's really bumpy here. Very bumpy.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Red light. Hold it.
Taking too long!
Shit! Colonel!
Colonel!
Are you all right?
What the hell were you doing? Take the cane. I gotta take a piss.
Happens to all of us. You can't go to the bathroom on Park Avenue! Perfect place. You'll get arrested.
Never been house-broken.
Ha!
What are you doing?
Stand up.
What...? Come on!
I'm tired, Charlie. I'm tired.
Give me your arm. Here's your cane.
Take me back to the hotel, son.
Home at last.
Are you all right now?
Yeah.
Do you wanna use the bathroom? No.
Can I get you something? No.
Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine, Charlie.
Do you mind if I use the phone? Go ahead.
HE DIALS A NUMBER
'Hello.' Hi. Is George there, please? 'Senior or Junior?'
Junior. 'Who's this?'
A friend from school. 'George isn't going to be talking to any of his friends from school right now.'
Oh... 'Goodbye.'
LINE GOES DEAD
Colonel, are you looking at me?
I'm blind, Charlie.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Too much fresh air.
That's probably a good idea.
Let me help you to your room.
No...
Couch.
I like this couch here.
Are you sure you're all right, Colonel?
I got a headache.
Why don't you go get me some aspirin? Some aspirin? Yeah.
Also, er...
I feel like a cigar. Get me a couple of Monte Cristos.
Number One.
Monte Cristos Number One? Yeah.
You won't be able to get them at the newsstand,
so why don't you go over to 50th and Fifth, Dunhill's?
A fella named Arnold there. And a humidor.
Tell him...
they're for me.
He'll know.
You're back too fast.
You didn't get my cigars, did you?
Get out of here, Charlie.
I thought we had a deal.
I welched.
I'm a welcher. Didn't I tell you?
You said you gave me all the bullets.
Well, I lied.
You could have fooled me!
I did.
Charlie, how are you ever going to survive in this world without me?
Now, why don't you just give me the gun, all right?
What are you doing?
I'm gonna shoot you, too.
Your life's finished anyway.
Your friend George is gonna sing like a canary, and so are you.
And once you've sung, Charlie, my boy,
you're gonna take your place on that long, grey line of American manhood,
and you will be through.
I'd like to disagree.
You're in no position to disagree.
I got a loaded .45, you got pimples.
I'm gonna kill you, Charlie,
because I can't bear the thought
of you selling out!
Put the gun down, all right, Colonel?
What? Are you giving me an ultimatum? No, I'm...
I give the ultimatums!
I'm sorry.
All right, I'm sorry.
It's all right, Charlie.
You're breaking my heart, son.
All my life, I stood up...
to everyone and everything
because it made me feel...
..important.
You do it cos you mean it.
You got integrity, Charlie.
I don't know whether to shoot you or adopt you!
Not much of a choice, is it, sir?
Oh, don't get cute now. Colonel, please put the gun away.
I asked you a question. Do you want me to adopt you or don't you?
Please. I mean...
You're just in a slump right now.
Slump?
No slump, Charlie.
I'm bad.
I'm not bad, no.
I'm rotten.
You're not bad.
You're just in pain.
What do you know about pain?
Hmm?
You little snail-dart from the Pacific north-west!
What the fuck do you know about pain?
Let me have the gun, Colonel.
No time to grow a dick, son.
Just give me the gun, all right, Colonel?
I'm talking a parade ground.
'Ten-hun!
Soldier, that was a direct order.
Give me your gun.
You can stay or you can leave.
You understand?
Either way, I'm gonna do this thing.
Now, why don't you leave,
and spare yourself?
I want your gun, Colonel.
I'm gonna give myself a count.
You need a count for balance.
Five...
four...
..three...
..two...
..one...
Fuck it.
Gimme!
Fuck!
Get out! I'm staying right here.
Get outta here! I'm staying! I'll blow your fucking head off.
Do it! You wanna do it, do it. Let's go.
Get outta here!
You fucked up, all right, so what?
So everybody does. It's... Get on with your life, would you?
What life?
I got no life.
I'm in the dark here.
You understand?
I'm in the dark.
So give up. You wanna give up, give up.
I'm giving up, too. You're right, I'm through.
We're both through. It's all over. So let's fucking do it.
Let's fucking... Pull the trigger, you...miserable blind mother-fucker!
Pull the trigger.
Here we go, Charlie.
I'm ready.
You don't wanna die.
And neither do you.
Give me one reason...not to.
You dance the tango and drive a Ferrari better than anyone I've ever seen.
You haven't seen anyone do either.
Give me your gun, Colonel.
Oh, where do I go from here, Charlie?
If you're tangled up, just tango on.
You're asking me to dance, Charlie?
# Did you ever have a feeling that you wanted to go?
# And still had a feeling that you wanted to stay? #
Do you like my blues, Charlie?
Yeah, they're beautiful.
I wore these...
for Lyndon's inauguration.
Of course, we weren't the number one ball.
But he dropped by anyway.
Would you please give me the gun?
You're asking an officer to surrender his side-arm.
You don't have to surrender it. Just put it down for a little while.
All right? Just put it down.
Oh, I could use a drink, Charlie.
How about a cup of coffee?
Huh!
Too big a leap for me right now. Maybe tomorrow.
Ha!
No, a Mr John Daniel's would be preferred.
No water, Charlie.
No water.
Please.
Here's your drink, Colonel.
Oh!
I'm sorry. When do you want me to turn down the bed?
Maybe later, all right? What he means, senorita...
is come right here.
Later.
Yes, sir. Good afternoon.
Nice voice.
Boy, you have a one-track mind.
Hmm... Is there anything else in this world, Charlie?
Not for you.
You know what's kept me going all these years?
The thought...
..that one day...
Never mind.
The what?
Silly.
It's the thought that maybe one day I'd...
I could have a woman's arms wrapped around me,
and her legs wrapped around me, and...
And what?
That I could wake up in the morning and she'd still be there -
the smell of her,
all funky and warm.
I finally gave up on it.
I don't know why you can't have that.
When we get back to New Hampshire, why can't you find someone?
You're a good-looking guy, and...
you're fun to be with and you're a great travel companion.
Sensitive, compassionate...
Charlie...
..are you fucking with me?
Yes.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah?
Hey, Manny.
(My God!)
We missed our plane.
YOUR plane, Charlie. My ticket was one-way.
We going thru-way all the way, Colonel? All the way, Manolo.
I'm getting that heavy feeling again, Charlie.
Er...
You were right about George and his father. I'm sorry to hear that.
Mr Trask is bringing us up in front of the whole school.
Putting your feet to the fire.
Special meeting of the Disciplinary Committee. What are you gonna say?
I don't know. I'll think of something.
Oh, Charlie, why are you all alone in this thing?
Hmm? Where's your father?
He left.
I thought it was a mom and pop store. Who's the pop?
My stepfather.
Oh, yeah.
But why isn't HE in on this?
Something wrong with him?
No, he's OK. We just don't get along very well.
Why not?
Cos he's an asshole.
Oh! Ha! Ha!
Well...
That's all right.
Every family's got one nowadays.
That's it? That's it.
Take care of yourself, kid. All right, Manny. Thanks.
No, I'm not open.
I hate goodbyes.
So...
you'll be all right, huh?
I'll be fine.
All right.
BELL RINGS
What's that?
That's first bell.
I've just got time to get cleaned up.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I owe you some money.
$300.
A job well done.
If you need any references, Charlie, I'm your man. Thanks, Colonel.
It's 16 Water Street. Just over the bridge...
We'll find it. Goodbye, Charlie.
Goodbye, Colonel.
Come here, son.
OK, Manny.
George! George!
I called an open meeting this morning
because the incident that occurred on Tuesday describes an issue that concerns us all.
Not an isolated case of vandalism,
what happened was a symptom of the sickness of a society,
a sickness which runs counter
to the principles our school was founded on.
A school among whose graduates TWO have sat behind the desk in the Oval Office
in the White House.
Baird men have run State Departments and investment houses,
founded department stores and coached football teams.
We are, in fact, known around the world as the cradle of this country's leadership.
What are YOU doing here? Got room for me up there, Charlie?
..Blatant disrespect...
I guess so. Give us a hand, son.
A disrespect for our values and a disrespect for our standards.
As the custodians of the Baird tradition,
we are here today
to protect each other from those who threaten it.
Who is this, Mr Simms? Er...
This is Mr Frank Slade, Lieutenant Colonel, United States Army, retired.
I'm replacing Charlie's parents.
Excuse me?
In loco parentis.
They could not make the trip from Oregon today.
What is your relationship to Mr Simms?
Is this a courtroom? The closest thing we could manage to it.
If we're taking oaths, let's swear a few people in.
There are no oaths at Baird. We are all on our honour.
Larry and Freddie Simms are very dear, close friends of mine.
They've asked me to appear here on Charlie's behalf.
OK?
Happy to have you with us, Colonel.
Mr Willis...
Which Mr Willis?
George Jr, sir.
Yes?
You were in a position to see who committed this act. Who was it?
I have an idea who it was.
No, not an IDEA.
Did you see or did you not see?
Well...
I didn't have my contacts in.
Come on!
I was in the library, I'd taken my glasses off, and I was gonna put my contacts back in.
I just...
Then I helped Simms close up,
and the next thing I know, we're outside,
and I hear this sound, and I...
I didn't have any time to put my contacts in.
Whom DID you see?
INAUDIBLE
Like I say, it was blurry.
Er...
I can't see without my contacts.
What did you see, Mr Willis?
Why?
What do you mean? Definitively?
Stop fencing. Tell me what you saw.
Now, don't hold me to this, but...
There's no contacts, it's dark...
and everything, I mean...
Mr Willis!
Maybe...
..Harry Havemeyer,
Trent Potter and Jimmy Jameson.
Maybe?
Ballpark. Best guess.
TRASK: Could you provide us with some detail?
Why don't you ask Charlie? I really think he was closer.
Mr Simms.
Yes?
You don't wear contact lenses, do you? No, sir.
With your untrammelled sight, whom did you see?
Well, I saw something,
but I couldn't say who.
What was the "something" you saw?
I couldn't say.
You COULDN'T say or you WOULDN'T say? Well, I just...
I just couldn't say. Couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't?
Mr Simms, I will give you one last chance. The consequences of your response will be dire.
By dire, I mean your future will be jeopardised permanently.
For the last time,
what did you see last Tuesday night outside my office?
I saw somebody.
"I saw somebody." Good. Did you see their size and shape?
Yeah.
And they were the size and shape of whom?
They were the size and shape...
..of most any Baird student, sir.
I am left with no real witness. Mr Willis's testimony is not only vague, it is unsubstantiated.
The substance I was looking for, Mr Simms, was to come from you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, Mr Simms, because you know what I'm going to do, inasmuch as I can't punish
Mr Havemeyer, Mr Potter or Mr Jameson,
and I won't punish Mr Willis.
He's the only party here who is still worthy of calling himself a Baird man.
I'm going to recommend to the committee
that you be expelled.
Mr Simms, you are a cover-up artist and you are a liar.
But not a snitch. ..Excuse me? No, I don't think I will. Mr Slade!
This is such a crock of shit.
Please watch your language, Mr Slade.
You are not in a barracks! Mr Simms, you have one final opportunity.
Mr Simms doesn't want it. He doesn't need to be labelled "still worthy of being a Baird man".
What the hell is that? What is your motto here?
"Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide,
"or we'll burn you at the stake."
Well, gentlemen,
when the shit hits the fan, some guys run and some guys stay.
Charlie's facing the fire. George is hiding in Big Daddy's pocket.
And what are you doing? You're gonna reward George and destroy Charlie.
Are you finished, Mr Slade? No, I'm just getting warmed up.
I don't know who went to this place -
William Taft, William Bryan, William Tell, whoever.
Their spirit is dead, if they ever had one.
You're building a rat-ship here - a vessel for sea-going snitches.
If you think you're preparing these minnows for manhood, think again,
because I say you are killing the spirit you proclaim to instil!
What a sham!
What kind of show are you putting on?
The only class in this act is sitting next to me,
and this boy's soul is intact. It's non-negotiable.
You know how I know? Someone here - I won't say who - offered to buy it.
Only Charlie wasn't selling. You're out of order!
Out of order?! You don't know what out of order is, Mr Trask!
I'd show you, but I'm too old, too tired, too fucking blind.
If I were the man I was five years ago,
I'd take a flame-thrower to this place!
Out of order? Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
I've been around, you know.
There was a time I could see,
and I have seen boys like these - younger than these -
their arms torn out, their legs ripped off.
But there is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit.
There is no prosthetic for that.
You think you're merely sending this foot soldier back to Oregon
with his tail between his legs,
but I say you are executing his soul!
And why?
Because he's "not a Baird man"!
Baird man!
You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of you!
And Harry, Jimmy,
Trent, wherever you are...
..fuck you too.
Stand down!
I'm not finished.
As I came in here, I heard those words -
"cradle of leadership".
Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and it has fallen here.
Makers of men, creators or leaders, be careful what kind of leaders you're producing here.
I don't know
if Charlie's silence here is right or wrong - I'm not a judge or jury.
But I can tell you this - he won't sell anybody out to buy his future.
And that, my friends, is called integrity. That's called courage.
Now, that's the stuff leaders should be made of.
Now, I have come to the crossroads in my life.
I always knew what the right path was.
Without exception, I knew, but I never took it.
You know why?
It was too damn hard.
Now here's Charlie. He's come to the crossroads.
He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle.
That leads to character.
Let him continue on his journey.
You hold this boy's future in your hands, committee.
It's a valuable future,
believe me.
Don't destroy it. Protect it.
Embrace it.
It's gonna make you proud one day, I promise you.
How's that for calling ball?
Nothing will shut them up, sir!
The Disciplinary Committee will take this matter under advisement in closed session.
THEY TALK IN HUSHED TONES
What are they doing, Charlie? I think they're going to come to a decision.
Apparently, that meeting will be unnecessary.
Mrs Hunsaker.
The Joint Disciplinary Committee needs no further sessions.
They have come to a decision.
Messrs Havemeyer, Potter and Jameson are placed on probation
for suspicion of ungentlemanly conduct.
It is further recommended
that Mr George Willis Jr receive no commendation for his co-operation.
Mr Charles Simms is excused from any further response to this incident.
Hoo-ah!
CHEERING DROWNS HIS WORDS
Charlie!
Last step. I can always count on you, Charlie.
< Colonel! Colonel!
I'm Christine Downes. I teach political science.
Thank you for speaking your mind. Why, thank you. Are you married?
Er... I, er...
Went to school with a Mickey Downes. Thought he might have snagged you.
No. No, I'm afraid not.
Colonel Slade was on Lyndon Johnson's staff.
Were you? Fascinating. We should get together, talk politics some time.
Fleurs de Rocas.
Yes.
Flowers from a brook.
That's right.
Well, Miss Downes, I'll know where to find you.
Charlie...
Bye, Miss Downes. Bye.
You don't have to tell me, Charlie.
5'7", auburn hair.
Beautiful brown eyes.
Yabba-dabba-doo!
Ha!
Manny...
Colonel, this is too much.
Next time Charlie and I wanna take a breather to New York, we'll call you. You can drive us both ways.
You're on, Colonel. It'll be an honour. I'll give you a rate.
I'll see your rate and raise you.
Stay outta harm's way, Manny. Take care, Colonel. You too.
You ready? I'll take it from here.
You go on ahead. Manny will drive you back to your dorm.
Come by before Christmas - we'll have a little cheer.
And if you like, we'll stay for dinner.
Sometimes, she cooks a pot roast. It's almost edible.
All right, Colonel.
Bye, Charlie.
Who's there? Is that you, Francine? Yeah. What are you doing?
Taking a ride. Taking a ride? Why don't you give me a lift?
No. No?!
Aw, come on, Francine. Don't you think it's about time we made up?
No. Francine...
What? Your Uncle Frank's had himself a really hard Thanksgiving weekend.
What's that?
I hear a chipmunk. Is it a walrus?
No, it's Willie.
Willie, why don't you help me with my bag? Come on, son.
Come on. Come on.
You got it? Hold on to it. You're a big, strong boy.
Francine, follow me and Willie.
You can make me some marshmallow chocolate. What do you say?