# University Challenge theme music
(UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE ON TV)
'Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be clever.'
'Some people are born clever the way some people are born beautiful.'
'I'm not one of those people.'
'I've had to work at it.'
'If there's a question, I have to know the right answer.'
"Often glassy in appearance, which of the classes of rock
is formed by the cooling of molten earth? What do you reckon, Bri?
Volcanic? (BUZZ) "Is it igneous? Correct."
That was nearly right.
"Starter question for 10 points. From the Greek for wing and finger,
what name has a flying lizard of the Jurassic period?" Pterodactyl!
"(BUZZ) Cronin, Oxford. Is it a pterodactyl? Correct." Yesss!
Clever little thing, aren't you? Eh?
'As Francis Bacon once said, Knowledge is power.'
'Which is why I want to know everything.'
'I want to know about Plato and Newton,
Tolstoy and Bob Dylan.'
'What the words dialectic and peripatetic mean.'
'I want know why people actually like jazz.'
'If I'm going to find the answers,
I need to be in a place where people have a passion for knowledge,
think it's important, sacred even.'
'That's why I hope you'll accept my application...
to this university.
So, was that the correct answer?
Well, it's not really a question of correct or incorrect,
but it's certainly been...
..entertaining.
I think that's everything, Brian.
Thank you.
We'll see you in October, Mr Jackson. (Yesss..!)
'So this is it. I've made it!'
'Of course, there are gonna be some pretty big changes.'
'Leaving home.'
'Moving away from people I've known all my life,
and friends who've always supported me.'
You're not gonna turn into a wanker, are ya? What?
Get all poncy - saying "one does", wearin' a cloak, talkin' Latin.
Yes, Tone.
That's exactly what's gonna happen. Come on. Let's get out of here.
# Motorhead - "Ace of Spades" (BLARES OUT OF PORTABLE)
Oi, slow down!
(MOTORHEAD CONTINUES)
Why do we always have to listen to this? Cos. Cos what?
Cos it's Motorhead. And? And the 'Head rule.
Because you say so. This is my ghetto blaster.
Which ghetto is that then, Tone? Westcliff-on-Sea. Good one, Bri!
Tell ya what, stick on a bit of Kate Bush, yeah?
We'll have a dance, listen to Kate Bush.
Have a good time, listen to Kate Bush, dance. (MUSIC OFF) We'll all-
Bloody hell, Spencer!
I did this for ya.
Trick your new mates into thinking you've got some taste.
Cheers, Spence.
It's amazing! Only a tape, Bri. No need to go all gay about it.
So,... do you think you'll retake your exams. Don't start. Start what?!
The careers guidance. Just... I think it's a waste, that's all.
Fuck off, it's a waste. Sitting on your arse reading poems is a waste.
It's not just about that.
It's about life experience.
Expanding your mind. Grappling with the big questions.
Making exciting new friends. As opposed to boring old ones?
I didn't say that, did I? Look, I'm fine as I am, thanks Bri.
< Arseholes! Besides, there's always Tone to debate the issues of the day
Never get that again.
Thanks, mate.
Best tape I ever made. (Let's get him.) In the sea.
What... No. Hang on.
Right, that's it!
Oh. Is that what you're wearing?
You don't mind, do you? No. No, of course not! No, it's...
It's very smart.
Now, bread. Do you need bread? Mum, I'll get bread there. Chip pan?
I'll miss the train, Mum.
Don't drink too much. I won't, if you won't. And don't be cheeky.
Now, you sure I can't walk you to the station? Mum, I'm OK, honestly.
Now, take this. No. No, you can't afford it, Mum. Just take it.
Try to eat a piece of fresh fruit every now and then.
He'd have been so proud of you.
# THE CURE - "Boys Don't Cry"
# I would say I'm sorry
# If I thought that it would Change your mind
# But I know that this time I have said too much
# Been too unkind
# I try to laugh about it
# Cover it all up with lies
# I try and laugh about it
# Hiding the tears in my eyes
# Cos boys don't cry
# Boys don't cry
# I would break down at your feet
# And beg forgiveness
# Plead with you
# But I know that
# It's too late And now there's nothing I can do
# So I try to laugh about it
# Cover it all up with lies
# I try to laugh about it
# Hiding the tears in my eyes, cos...
# Boys don't cry
Yes! Argh!
Take that!
Hi, there. I'm... I'm your housemate.
Brian... Brian Jackson.
Hello, Brian Jackson.
I'm Josh. This is Marcus. Hello.
How...
What me to show you to your quarters? Yeah.
Hope you don't mind, but we allocated the rooms.
Bit small, isn't it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
Well, we'll leave you to get ready for the party.
Party? Tarts and vicars.
You ARE coming?
Actually, um,...
I think I'm going to stay here.
Unpack.
Do some reading.
(NEW ORDER's "Blue Monday" PLAYS LOUDLY IN VENUE)
Right, I'll purchase the alcoholic beverages.
You got any money, Barry?
Any cash?
It's just... I don't have any pockets. Um...
OK.
Cheers, squire. Ta-ta.
I just got back from India.
Oh, right. Amazing experience.
Transformed me. In ways I never could have imagined!
Such as? Do you use toilet paper?
Well, uh,... now and then!
Not cool, you know.
Terrible for the environment.
So, uh,...
How do you, you know?
I use my hand.
And a bucket of water.
You should try it some time.
Sorry, I've just seen somebody I know. Alright.
Hi! Do you... mind if I pretend to know you?
Has he been asking you about toilet paper?
It's uncool, apparently. Yeah, well, so's gastroenteritis.
The ironic thing is, I actually am a vicar.
So what'd you come as?
A normal person.
You could at least have come as a vicar. Except I'm Jewish. Really?
Wow. I've never met a Jew before. Not properly, anyway.
Which is strange, because loads of my heroes are Jewish. Woody Allen. Marx.
Einstein. Dustin Hoffman. Jesus. Jesus! Freud. Kubrick.
Yeah, god, there certainly have been some amazing Jews!
My people thank you.
Here you go, squire.
Don't waste any time, do you, Barry? Nice work, Barry! Rrrrr...!
Hey, was there any... change? Sorry.
Well, uh...
..nice talking to you. Barry. Actually, it's Brian.
But he just called you Barry. Yeah, he did. You didn't correct him.
No...! I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Well, Rebecca. Rebecca Epstein. Rebecca Epstein.
That's a Jewish name, isn't it? Mm.
Shalom, Brian.
Right. Absolutely!
(YAZ) # Blue-eyed, dressed for every situation
# Moving through the doorway of a nation
# Pick me up and shake the doubt
# Baby, I can't do without
# Don't mess around
# You bring me down
# How you get about
# Don't make a sound Just move out... #
(NOISY TABLE TENNIS GAME IN PROGRESS)
Ooh, excuse me...(!)
What's the hurry?
Rebecca. Right. Come to our demonstration. Can't. Got a meeting.
Right. More important than the struggle against apartheid.
Look, I'm really, really interested in this, it's just that I'm late.
Yeah. I know. Contemporary Jewish Studies.
Oh, sorry.
Halt! Hi, I'm here for- Fingers on buzzers. First question.
What's in your hand? Poster. Meant for a wall, where people can see it.
Never mind, fill this in.
Anyone else waiting out there? Don't think so. No. Really?
Bugger. Subject?
English literature. (GROANS)
But I'm pretty good on sciences.
Newton's third law of motion.
Reaction is equal and opposite to action.
Take a seat, please.
Anywhere?
Right, let's get started then, shall we?
I'm sorry there aren't more of us.
It seems vandals have been tearing down the posters.
I'm Patrick Watts from Ashton-under-Lyne,
I'm reading mechanical engineering.
Some of you may recognise me from last year's TV tournament.
Once again, I'll be captaining this year's team. Why? Sorry?
If we lost last year... why are you still captain?
Well, I'm a post-grad and... I've been captain for three years.
And we've lost for three years. Let's just crack on. Shall we?
To qualify you must answer 30 questions in 30 minutes,
and the top three scores join me the CAPTAIN... in this year's team.
Now, there's some lively questions in there, so you should enjoy it!
But, it's against the clock, so, if you're ready...
..let's quiz!
Hi. (CLATTER AS WAND HITS FLOOR) Sorry, sorry... (INDISTINCT)
Can I borrow this? (Course you can!)
(THE STYLE COUNCIL) # I play out my role
# Why, I've even been out walking
# They tell me that it helps
# But I know when I'm beaten... #
'OK, concentrate.'
'Question six, question six is...'
'Why is she smiling at me?'
'That's not question six. Concentrate.'
'Must concentrate.'
'Look at the paper.'
'Look at the PAPER! Don't... Don't look at her.'
'Don't look at her legs.'
'Or the curve of her neck.'
'Just concentrate. Right, question sex. Six! Six.'
'Hey, handsome.'
'Would you mind giving me the answers to three and five?'
'Thanks.'
'Cheating. She wants me to cheat.'
'Can't do that.'
'With pleasure.'
'Three is potassium permanganate, and five is Papua New Guinea.'
(THE CURE) # This is stranger than I thought
# Six different ways inside my heart
# And everyone I'll keep tonight
# Six different ways go deep inside
# I'll tell them anything at all
# I know I'll give them more and more... #
Support our nurses. Support our nurses?
(DOOR BUZZER)
Brian, can I help you? I'm here for the team meeting.
Alice! Hi! Hello...!
Come in. Brian, you're not ON the team. Alice, here beat you.
Only by one point. Still makes Brian the loser. Loser's a strong word.
He is first reserve. Shoes off, please. Follow me.
Brian, I am SO sorry!
If you hadn't given me those answers, you'd be on the team.
Alice, it's no big deal. Really?
Yeah. Alright.
But I owe you.
"(BUZZ) Watts, Bristol!"
"Sorry. Going to have to hurry you."
"Is it..." (Schubert. Death and the Maiden. Schubert!)
(Schubert!)
..Tchaikovsky?" "No, that's not correct. Anyone?"
"(BUZZ) Salmon, Queens! Schubert. Death and the Maiden."
"Is correct. (GONG) And at the sound of the gong,
the winners this year are Queens College, Cambridge."
(LOUD INVOLUNTARY SNIFF)
Obviously, I take no pleasure in showing that to you.
But, as someone once wrote, to err is human. Anyone?
Alexander Pope's Essay on Man?
And I feel that with dedication and good old-fashioned teamwork
this could be our year.
Which is why we're all here today. The Fantastic Four, if you will!
Each with his or her special powers! Colin, history, politics.
Lucy, science, medicine. Alice, arts and literature.
And myself as a sort of...
..floating Renaissance man.
Brian! Coaster, please.
Now, qualifying heats are in two weeks time.
It's untelevised but we'll still need... to be in... good form
to show them what we... can do. Brian? Shall I come along? No.
He is first reserve.
I'd be more than happy. Team members only, Brian. Mm?
I'm sure we can manage without you.
Now, quantum mechanics anyone?
'Dear Spencer. Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.'
'My housemates are really interesting.'
'It's great to meet people from different backgrounds
and we're all having a really good laugh.'
(gunshot)
Hoo hoo hoo hoo...! I'm so sorry.
'I've also come increasingly politically active,
and have so far protested against apartheid, nuclear weapons,
nuclear power, gay bashing
and the sexual exploitation of women.
..mere objects for the sexual entertainment of men. (ALL) Mm.
'Did you know that under the bastard Tories,
7% of the country currently own 84% of the wealth?'
'It's the same old story the rich get richer...'
(LETTER REPEATS REBECCA'S MONOLOGUE)
'Anyway, how are you? How's the job hunt going?'
'Got anything more permanent?'
'Are you still signing on?'
'There's not much out there at the moment, thanks to bloody Thatcher,
but I'm sure something will come up soon.' Oi! Piss off out of here!
'Must sign off now, as I've got a lecture.'
'Am wrestling with the Romantic poets.'
'Not literally, as they're dead. Haha.'
What do the Romantic poets mean by romance?
Certainly not hearts and flowers,
though an appreciation of extreme beauty
was a vital source of inspiration.
The notion of the Romantic poets as swooning lovelorn fops is a fallacy.
Byron, Wordsworth, Shelley in particular,
were all passionately committed...
(Come on!) Shh!
Shouldn't you be at the qualifiers?
That's the thing. Colin's been knocked over by a bus.
He's OK, but he wants you on the team.
(Yesss!)
So glad that he's OK.
Fifty questions, 30 minutes.
Conferring IS allowed. (NOISY MACHINE)
And to make the grade, we need 70% or higher.
Excuse me! We're doing a quiz here and it's against the clock!
Gotta be done some time! THIS MAN WAS SENT BY UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE!
(MACHINE OFF)
So... if we're ready.
Sergeant Troy, Fanny Robin and Bathsheba Everdene
appear in which novel by Thomas Hardy?
Return of the Native! Return of the Native.
Isn't it Far From the Madding Crowd? Course it is! Go with Brian.
Far From the Madding Crowd. Correct.
Passer domesticus is scientific name for which common bird?
The common house sparrow. Correct.
Inflammation of the pancreas. Correct.
Sistine Chapel. Correct.
The rings of Saturn. Correct. 38th parallel. Correct.
Carry their young in pouches. Correct.
My love is like a red, red rose. 1664! Prime numbers? Diaghilev.
Spleen. Correct. The Berlin airlift. Trick question, none of them.
Gamma rays. Longshore drift. The Venus de Milo. Correct.
And your final question...
Which decade saw the invention of the replacable razor,
the formation of the Ford Motor Company and Oscar Wilde's death?
The 1890s. The 1900s. 1890s...!
I'm pretty sure it's the 1900s.
I am going to have to hurry you. Lucy, what do you think?
Actually, I think Brian's right.
Is the answer the... 1900s?
Correct!
Right, well, then. Congratulations, team.
Brian...
Glad to have you on board.
Great. Thanks. Bye.
Brian.
I've never seen anything like it!
You're a general knowledge god!
So what made you want to take the challenge anyway?
Challenge... I want to be an actress or a TV presenter or something,
and it's all experience, isn't it?
How about you? How come you know all that stuff? Misspent youth?
And I suppose I've just always
liked that feeling of knowing things.
For some reason it goes in and stays there. Useless knowledge!
Do you think there's such a thing as useless knowledge? Sometimes.
I wish I hadn't learn to crochet!
You are joking, aren't you? Ha-ha!
Oi, watch it.
Hey, hey! Ew... Better not.
There might be dog poo in there.
Right.
Oh, god, I just remembered mask workshop! Gotta run.
See you at the next rehearsal.
Alice?
What are you doing on Friday?
I... It's just that it's my birthday.
You're having a party? Of course, I'll come!
Not a party, exactly. I was... thinking more dinner? Or something?
Just me and you?
Mm-hm.
Brian, I'd love to.
Is the correct answer.
OK... Friday.
(WHAM!) # Call me good, call me bad
# Call me anything you want to, baby
# But I know that you're sad
# And I know I'll make you happy with the one thing that you never had
# Baby, I'm your man
# Don't you know that
# Baby, I'm your man
# Don't you know that
# Baby, I'm your man... #
Oh.
Something wrong?
No.
No, I just think you could have put in a bit more effort, that's all.
So? Where are you taking me?
(SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING)
Good job I reserved a table. This is great. Are you sure?
It looked posher from outside, with all the candles and everything.
But I love pizza.
And they do one with chips on.
The King Edward.
Ah... right. Hello?
Hi? Excuse me.
The Lambrusco bianco, um...
Could you tell me what year it is? 1985.
I know what YEAR it is, I meant what year is the wine. 1985.
Very well, um...
We'll have the white Lambrusco bianco
'85, please.
Look, breadsticks. Hurray!
Do you know, I think I'm going to have these garlic mushrooms.
Well, you won't be snogging anyone tonight.
So have you had many boyfriends, or... Where did that come from?
Dunno. I'm just curious. What, you really want to know? Mm-hm.
When I was 15, there was Charlie.
Who was the lead singer in this band. He was INCREDIBLY handsome.
..left him for Rufus. We then had a 9-month affair.
I then went out with his best friend Rob...
..fling with a lovely Italian guy called Alessandro.
..all sporty. He was skinny because he was young, but he had muscles...
..but Gregor was lovely. Incredibly possessive.
In the end, we had to call the police. I think he was deported.
And I think that that's about it.
Funny, isn't it?
How many of them end up being mad or suicidal.
Or in prison.
I know. Rufus, the performance artist, who set fire to himself. Mm.
He used to say I had the kiss of death.
So I'm giving it all up. Concentrating on my work.
Get me to a nunnery.
Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1. You never stop, do you?!
What do your parents do again?
Mum... works in a shoe shop and Dad's dead.
Oh. It's alright! No need to get all serious.
It was a long time ago. What happened?
Well, he was a salesman, double glazing, working on commission.
Long, long hours. He hated it.
Anyway, it must've been eating away at him,
because one day he just fell over, apparently.
In this old couple's living room, showing them polyurethane windows.
Forty-one years old.
Let's get another drink. Excuse me!
Do you think about him? Of course. Every day.
But we never really got to know one another. Not as adults, anyway.
I really only remember sitting in front of the telly with him.
Quizzes. He loved quizzes.
Nature programmes. Anything educational.
Knowledge. That was the key, he said, to being happy.
Not ending up doing some job you hate.
Where's that waiter?
He'd have loved you.
You think so.
Course... Don't you?!
Don't know.
Think he might have thought I was a bit weird, to be honest.
He'd have been very proud of you. Why? Going to university.
Star of the quiz team.
Doing all the things he never got to do.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
Anyway, uh, Alice, excuse me. Do you mind if I just pop to the loo?
You are such... a lovely man.
Listen, I'm sorry about tonight.
I don't usually cry until much later in the evening.
You mustn't apologise. It was very... illuminating.
Brian, what are you doing at Christmas?
Just the usual. Watching telly with Mum, eating cheap chocolate...
That kind of thing, really. Why?
It's just that we've got this cottage in Suffolk.
And it's so dull with just Michael and Rose and me. Michael and Rose?
My parents. I thought maybe you could come and stay.
Can't really leave Mum. No, but, after Christmas. For New Year.
My parents keep themselves to themselves most of the time.
So it'd just be me and you... walking, reading... Hanging out.
If the idea fills you with dread, then, you know... Yes! No. Uh...
Yes, um... That'd be really good.
That's decided then.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
(THE CURE) # I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
# That I almost believe that they're real
# I've been living so long with my pictures of you...
I take it it went OK then, Romeo.
Well, you know... It went alright.
So, is love in the air? Not love...
Um,... light.
Light is in the air.
# Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
# As I ran to your heart to be near
# My pictures of you... #
Mum?
I'm home!
Mum?
(BANARAMA's "Venus" HEARD UPSTAIRS)
# She's got it!
# Yeah, baby, she's got it!
Brian! GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!
"Our obligation to make our own individual contributions,
however small-" (NOISY ELECTRIC KNIFE)
'His name's Des. A widower from down the road.'
'An ice-cream man.'
'You know when he's coming round because you can hear the chimes.'
'They've been keeping each other company ever since I left.'
'Twice a day sometimes.'
These are nice, Sheila. Little sausages, wrapped in bacon, Des.
Eat your sprouts or you'll get rickets.
Rickets is calcium deficiency, Mum. You mean scurvy.
Oh, Brian, I don't care, just eat them, will you?
"..and I hope we shall all try to make some good news
in the coming year."
By the way, I've got an announcement to make.
What's that, then?
It's just something that happened last term. Oh, god, Brian...!
Mum, don't worry. It's a good thing. Tell me, then.
I'm gonna be on University Challenge.
What, that thing on the telly?
Yeah.
Congratulations, Brian! That's brilliant news. Cheers.
Oh, god, what a relief!
Why?
Well, to be honest, I thought you were gonna say you were gay.
(BOTH BRAY WITH LAUGHTER)
What are you doing, Mum? Just telling him what you're up to.
How you're gonna be on telly and everything.
And what does Dad say?
He doesn't say anything, Brian.
How long are you down for, then? I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.
You're not coming out New Year? No. I'm gonna stay with my mate Alice.
In her cottage. Cottage? What is she, a milkmaid?
Are you shaggin' her then?
Tone, it's Platonic!
Platonic? What's that mean? Means she won't let him shag her!
YAARRRHH-HAHA!
Get lost, Tone. Wha'?
(THE UNDERTONES) # Wish she was mine, she looks so good
# I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight
# Get teenage kicks right through the night
# I'm gonna call her on the telephone
# Have her over cos I'm all alone...#
Right, where now? Ritzy's? Manhattan's? Not Manhattan's.
Actually, I think I'm gonna go home. Come on, Jackson, you wuss!
No, I've got reading and stuff. But I'll see you soon, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, piss off.
What's up with you?
Why are we always telling each other to piss off, Spence?
What's wrong with "goodnight"? You know, "sleep well"?
"Happy Christmas?" It's just don't get... all this hostility.
Listen, Bri. You're my oldest mate.
You're my best mate, I love ya.
It's great that you're goin' out there, meetin' new people,
stayin' in cottages... All that stuff.
But promise me one thing, yeah?
Promise me you haven't turned into a wanker.
Oi, Spence!
Spence, wait for me!
Hey, take a towel. I'll use their towels!
You can't use their towels! Bye, Mum.
At least take this. What is it?
Cold meat - turkey, ham, couple of those little sausages.
Mum, I don't think they'll- Oh, take it. It'll only go off. Please.
Stick it in.
You're sure you don't want to stay for New Year? Not this year, Mum.
Besides, you've got Mr Whippy now. Brian, that's enough.
What? You know what!
Go on, then.
Have fun.
Happy Christmas, Brian!
So good to see you! Mmmm!
In fact, bees hum by blowing air through their spiracles.
Spiracles? Fascinating. I know! Isn't that fascinating, Michael?
Sorry, I was somewhere else.
So, Brian, is this your first time in Suffolk? No.
I was here once before on a climbing holiday. Really?
Isn't it very flat for climbing? I was misinformed.
Brian's joking, Rose. Oh!
# PSYCHEDELIC FURS - "Love My Way" Oh, my god, I love this song!
I lost my virginity to this on a mime course in Tuscany. Yeah?
Let's set the mood.
Michael and Rose have gone to bed.
Uh, no, thanks.
What's up? I just can't smoke.
You can't smoke? No, I never learned.
Oh, my god, Brian. How can you not smoke?
Smoking's what I do best. Well, second best, anyway.
Alright, we'll try a different approach.
On your knees, facing me, hands behind your back.
Now, I'm gonna blow the smoke into your mouth,
and you're going to inhale, very deeply. Understood? Mm.
Nice? Very nice.
Again? Please.
Are you sure? It's very strong. I can take it. OK, here goes.
Mm... mm... You, um, need to exhale.
This is a terrible idea.
Kiss of death. Remember?
Actually,... I feel a bit weir-
(THUD!)
Oh, for chrissake...! Night, Brian.
Omigod!
Well, hello, Mrs Harbinson. Brian.
You scared me.
Still, I expect you've seen hundreds of naked women before.
You'd be surprised, Mrs Harbinson.
I told you before, PLEASE don't call me that. It makes me feel old.
Call me Rose.
Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Harbinson?
What? I said, Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Harbinson?
No, Brian, I most certainly am not. No, I KNOW...!
It's a quote. Like "Mrs Robinson"?
I haven't the least intention of trying to seduce you. I know.
I don't want to seduce you either. Not that you're not attractive.
Obviously, you've got a BEAUTIFUL body for someone of your age.
I BEG your pardon?! What's going on down here?
Nothing's going on! Hello, Mr Harbinson!
Then what the hell are talking about? Nothing.
I just came down for a glass of milk and bumped into Brian.
I think I'll head back upstairs. Brian, where are your trousers?
You can talk, big guy...!
Brian, are you... Are you stoned?
No way, man...!
(HELPLESS GIGGLING)
I'm so sorry. We only found out this morning.
Granny fell in the night and fractured her hip.
So we're going to Dorset to see her.
Mum and Dad set off early. They send their love, by the way!
They're sorry you can't be here for New Year's! Aw..!
Actually, I bumped into them in the kitchen last night. Really?
Did they say anything? No! Not at all.
Right.
Listen, Brian, the train's not for six, seven minutes yet.
Do you mind if I don't hang round?
Of course not...!
Hello?
Anyone home?
Nope. Thought not.
Excuse me. Come to our demonstration.
Hi, guys. No, thank you.
Protesting on New Year's Eve?
Injustice never rests.
Well, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
It's from Hamlet. It's... a joke.
I think I'll be the judge of that. Good Christmas? Not really? You?
We're secular Jewish, non-Zionist socialists.
We don't really do Christmas. Right. Sounds a riot. Mmm(!)
Why do you think I'm back here?
What's in the bag? New Year's Eve dinner.
Individual chicken pie and a tin of sweetcorn?
Fasten your seatbelts!
Yeah, except for a souvenir tea towel!
Well, I hope you had some clothes on
Socks, shoes, no trousers.
What, and then she chucked you out? She didn't chuck me out, Rebecca.
No, Alice's elderly grandmother fell down stairs and fractured her hip.
She could've been telling the truth. Yeah, she was telling the truth(!)
I'm sorry. It's alright.
So, what are we gonna do tonight?
Haven't you got a party to go to? I think I can skip that.
I've got an individual chicken pie.
Then how could I possibly refuse? I'm only flesh and blood!
# KATE BUSH - "Man with the Child in his Eyes"
I've never been very good at those parties, anyway.
Two hundred drunk students hurling themselves at each other in a room.
Then, at 3am, some lager-breathed stranger rubs his face on me.
Think I'm safer here.
So, you don't have a...
What's the word? Um... boyfriend?
Partner? What, comrade?
Not as such.
Never seem to have much luck in that department.
Don't know why.
I don't why either.
Brian, are you trying to flirt?
No! Then why are you putting on that voice?
Look, I just mean... I'm sure you can have a, you know, boyfriend,
if you wanted one.
I have my amorous moments, I suppose.
Once in a while.
What's this?
It's... my notebook.
It's just for jotting down ideas.
It's poetry. Oh, right.
Brian, you have to promise me something.
Promise me that you will never, never show me your poetry.
I wouldn't dare, Rebecca.
Hey, what's the time?
It's, uh,...
It's 11.56pm. (KATE BUSH CONTINUES)
Well, we can't start 1986 listening to this moaning. Oi..!
# THE BUZZCOCKS - "Ever Fallen In Love"
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I hope you're not too disappointed. What?
Stuck here with me... instead of blondie.
Rebecca...!
Of course not!
Look...
I'd much rather be here! Is that right? Mm.
# Ever fallen in love with someone Hey, what's the time?
It's 11.58.
Two minutes to go.
What shall we do to pass the time?
# I can't see much of a future
Um...
# Unless we find out what's to blame What a shame
# And we won't be together much longer
# Unless we realise that we are the same
# Ever fallen in love with someone
# Ever fallen in love In love with someone
# You shouldn't have fallen in love with
# You disturb my natural emotions...
Wait! Hang on a sec, Brian! What?
I'm sorry. Was that wrong? Wrong? No, it's not that - look!
# And if I start a commotion
# I'll only end up losing... (MUSIC OFF)
(RADIO ON: WILD CHEERING)
# Should auld acquaintance be mm-mm...
# Blah la-la la-lahhh...
(HUM AULD LANG SYNE)
Happy New Year, Brian.
Happy New Year, Alice.
(FIREWORKS OUTSIDE) Alice?
Rebecca! Rebecca! Look, it's was... it was a slip of the tongue!
The tongue you had down my throat!
You really are a complete and utter prat, Jackson! I know!
Christ knows, I've met some prats in my time, but you win the award!
Let me help you with that! Get your hands off of me!
Thanks for a memorable evening, Brian.
And have a happy new year!
(REVELLERS SHOUT GREETINGS)
# TEARS FOR FEARS - "The Hurting"
# Is it an horrific dream
# Am I sinking fast
# Could a person be so mean
# As to laugh and laugh
# On my own
# Could you ease my load
# Could you see my pain
# Could you please explain The hurting... #
My heart aches
And the drowsy numbness pains my sense
As though of hemlock I had drunk
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
Brian.
Stay on afterwards, will you?
One minute passed, and Lethe-wards had sunk
Are you experiencing emotional problems? Emotional problems?!
Affairs of the heart, anxieties of a romantic or perhaps sexual nature.
And believe me, Brian, I'm finding this as embarrassing as you are?
What makes you ask? When I interviewed you a year ago,
you struck me as a particularly passionate young man.
A little incoherent, maybe, a little gauche. Is that fair? Go on.
But you had a sincere passion for knowledge that is missing from
some of our - What shall we say? - privileged students.
That's why I was happy to offer you a place,
because I knew you'd actually fought for it.
But looking at your grades this year - 74%, 68%, 57%...
It seems you're actually becoming less intelligent.
And that, strangely enough, is not what an education is for.
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol. Toad and badger. Is the wrong answer.
The TS in TS Eliot stands for? (BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol.
Thomas Stewart. Again, the wrong answer. Lucy? Thomas Stearns.
Correct. Patrick, I was- Studio conditions, Brian!
In anatomy, where might you find the arcuate fasciculus- (BUZZ)
Jackson, Bristol. Sorry. Is Alice coming today? Apparently, not!
I'm not delighted either, Brian.
In 24 hours we're being recorded to appear before millions
and you think Thomas Eliot's middle name was STEWART!
Once again.
The arcuate fasciculus, Wernicke's area-
So this is where is all happens, is it?
Spencer... what are you doing here?
I thought I'd pay you a visit.
Don't mind, do you? Uh, no!
It's really good to see you, Spence. Just a bit of a surprise.
Who let you in? Some wanker in a velvet waistcoat.
You were nice to him though, weren't you? I dunno.
Should I have been? Well, I do have to live with him.
Are you writing poetry? No!
Gimme that!
Who's Alice anyway?
With the big bosoms?
You're not serious.
You are serious. Bloody hell, Spencer! What now?
I'm being prosecuted for fiddling my unemployment benefit.
What's gonna happen? I dunno. Depends on the judge, I suppose.
But you've still got the arcade job, right? Not as such, no.
Found me with my hand in the till.
What do they think you took?
Couple of hundred. How much did you take? Coupla hundred sounds right.
Spencer...! You're a socialist.
You should approve of the redistribution of wealth.
By acquiring the means of production!
Not by knickin' stuff!
Can we talk about something else? I came to get away from it all.
Have a laugh, yeah? OK. Yeah. We can do that.
Is she gonna be here, then? Who? You know...
Posh one. The one in the poems.
Alice? I hope so. Be nice though, won't you?
Me?
I'm always nice.
With this hand. And a bucket of water.
Look... let's move on, eh?
# ..about the square of the hypotenuse
# With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
# I am the very model of a modern Major-General
# I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
# I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
Pub? # From Marathon to Waterloo...
It'll liven up. C'mon, let's see what's upstairs.
Come here.
That's her.
In the leotard.
Well, introduce us then. What... for? You told me to be nice.
Yeah, but, I thought we'd have a drink. She's comin' over.
Hello.
Hi. So who's this, then?
Ah, this is Spencer.
Oh, the famous Spencer.
I've heard all about you. And I've heard all about you. Drink, anyone?
What have you heard? I don't think I can say.
Anyone for a drink? What've you heard? You first. You first.
I'm gonna just get some drinks, yeah?
# Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme... #
Oop, shit...!
You're not gonna hit me, are you?
Haven't decided yet.
Rebecca! I'm sorry- Brian, I got drunk. I was having a nice time,
I fancied a bit of human...
..whatever, contact.
And I made a mistake, misread the signals, very embarrassing,
but not a big deal.
I'm sure I'll learn to love again(!)
Got your fluffy mascot packed for the big match? No.
All a bit silly the mascot stuff. Brian, you're such a maverick(!)
Are you gonna come and watch then? See you in action? You are joking.
I wish you would. Free minibus! What do you care anyway?
I'd just like you to be there.
Only don't tell my mate, Spencer. He'd just take the piss.
Oh, my god, Patrick!
Brian. I hope that's not an ALCOHOLIC beverage in your hand.
Big day tomorrow.
Why's that, then?
Cos he's the team's star player! What team?
This year's University Challenge team. (SPENCER LAUGHS)
You're joking. No. You? Well, me, Alice, Lucy and Patrick.
Actually on telly? Yeah. Bloody hell, Brian, you dark horse!
Something funny? No, not at all, mate.
Just that I always wondered what kind of bizarre, nerdy swot
would wanna go on that programme. And it's YOU! Didn't wanna tell ya!
Where are you studying,... mate?
Actually, Patrick, Spencer's taking a year out. No, I'm not.
I'm unemployed. Social security, then. That's right, yeah.
Or he was, until those bastards decided to prosecute him.
Are you being prosecuted, Spencer? Only for fiddling his dole.
Do you think you'll go to prison?
I'm sure he didn't do it, so- But he did! He had to.
Just to make a living wage.
So you HAD a job? Cash-in-hand, yeah. Best of luck,.. mate(!)
Hang on, do you KNOW how much the government pay a week?
So? There's plenty of work! That's a little harsh, Patrick.
There's- Three million unemployed! But he isn't one of them, is he?
If the job was no good, he should get on his bike, not steal-
A question for you, MATE! What is my name? Spencer, put him down.
What is my name? Gonna have to hurry ya!
Spencer, put him down! My name is...? Patrick, say Spencer! Spencer.
CORRECT! And if you've got something to say to me, you say it to my FACE!
ARRRGGGHHH...! AAARRRRHHH!
Patrick...
SPENCER!
(GROANS)
(RAIN POURS)
(MAKES BOTTLE-BLOW SOUND)
Party's over.
Your friend was looking for you.
Why d'you think I'm sitting out here?
Quite a handful, isn't he?
Is Alice, alright?
Brian,... sometimes the people you care about the most,
just, basically, don't give a toss about you.
Look, you don't know that.
Then, I dare you, right now, go and tell her how you feel,
then maybe we can all get some bloody peace!
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Come on, Alice! Open up.
My god, Brian. What's up?
Um... Could I come in, do you think? I'll get some clothes on.
Erm...
OK, you can come in.
Right. Sorry about tonight.
I love Spencer, but he can be such a wanker. Oh, don't worry about it.
And I probably shouldn't say this, but it was quite exciting.
Like Roman gladiators or something... Mm.
I've been dying to do that for so long.
Mm... mm... mm.
Oh, please, don't.
What? We... We did it before.
We've a big day tomorrow. Can we talk another- I love you, Alice.
At least, I think I do.
I thought that... we had something, didn't we, Alice?
Some kind of chemistry or... electricity or... whatever?
(SQUEAK OF DOOR HINGE)
Alright, mate?
W-W-We were talking... um...
Bri. Bri...?
Actually, Bri, I was puttin' in a good word for ya!
Spencer, mate, you're half naked! We was only fooling around.
It's nothing serious!
Look, Bri, if you've got something to say, say it, cos this is stupid!
You knew how I felt about her.
You KNEW, Spence. I TOLD you! And you couldn't keep away!
She started it! Well, that's alright, then(!)
Was the fight somebody else's fault?! He tried to make me look stupid!
So you resort to violence?! No. Violence was my first choice.
Very hard, mate(!) Didn't see you jumping in to help, Judas!
I was sticking up for you! Oh, yeah?!
I thought you were just flappin' your social conscience around
for your girlfriend?
You made me feel like a prick, Bri.
You ARE a prick. Don't push it, Jackson!
What is this... this need to smash things up?
You can mess up your own life,
but why d'you have to do it to people
trying to achieve something?
Trying to MAKE something of their lives! Like you, you mean?
You're jealous of me! Jealous...! Of you?!
You think cos you read a couple of books, you're better than me?
That's not what Alice seems to think.
I want you gone, Spencer. I want you on the first train.
I don't care how much trouble you're in, you've gotta go. Brian...
Where you goin', Brian?
I'm sorry.
Wake up!
We have to be in Manchester in two hours!
Brian!
Two minutes, Brian.
Patrick, look, I'm sure they can cover that up with make-up, or...
Just get in.
Hey, there.
Here we are, then - The Fantastic Four.
The duodenum and ileum form part of which bodily system?
The digestive system. Correct.
The Wild Duck and Rosmersholm are by which playwright?
Patrick, can I just ask...
Do you think by freakish coincidence these questions will be on the show?
Because if they're not, it's a waste of time.
It's a warm up, Brian, for those of us feeling less than fresh!
What about Alice, then? Late night, was it, Alice? Not here, Brian.
So, just the four of us today? Or is someone hiding? Later, OK...?
Will someone tell me what the hell's going on? Let's listen to music.
(MUSIC ON: "Wonderful Life" - BLACK)
# No need to laugh and cry
# It's a wonderful, wonderful life...#
Finally! I'll let them know you're here.
Brian, where are you going?
Just gimme five minutes, alright? We're already late with- Leave him!
Alright, but five minutes only!
Mum, it's not for hours yet. I know! We set off at dawn!
Thought we'd make a day of it.
I brought Des along. You don't mind, do you? No.
No, that's fine. What do you think, Bri? I've got to go.
Brian, is something wrong? What could possibly be wrong, Mum?
Is it Des, Bri? Brian!
Get back here this minute, young man!
Brian, I wish your dad was here today too.
But that's gonna happen, is it?
I'm sorry you don't like Des, but I do. And he likes me.
And he makes me laugh. Which hasn't happened much in the last 10 years.
Jackson, we're waiting!
NOW!
I've gotta go.
Everything alright?
Brian, I can't stand this not talking.
What is there to talk about, Alice?
I'm sorry if I led you on.
And I'm sorry about Spencer.
I didn't INTEND to.
It was just a sort of... physical, animal-attraction, SEX thing.
This isn't necessarily helping me, Alice.
Oh, my god!
So,...
..we meet again.
Isn't that the team that... Beat us last year. Correct, Lucy.
OK, people, let's quiz.
How many vertices has a dodecahedron? Twelve.
Wrong. Minus five points. So they're really good, aren't they?
The so-called hammer of the Scots- Henry II. Minus ten points.
So, basically, we're screwed. Edward II.
OK, Brian. Here's a question.
If you don't know, why the HELL open your mouth?
No one was answering, I had a stab! OK, calm down!
That's your problem - always having a stab without a clue.
Stab, stab, stab - wrong, wrong, wrong!
I'm off to find a pub. It's fun, remember?
Why'd I even let you come? You're ignorant!
Worse than your thick yob of a friend! You started that!
You reek of booze and look like a tramp. For TV. Stop that, Patrick.
You can take the boy out of Essex, but not Essex out of the boy!
Ow.
Hmm... What we witness here is a basic misunderstanding
of the principle of the headbutt.
You're meant to hit the soft part of their nose,
with the hard part of your forehead. Not the other way around.
How many fingers am I holding up? Could I lose 5 points? Not this time
Three. Battle of Agincourt?
Um... 1415.
Yeah. I think you're gonna be alright.
I'm glad you came.
What, you lying unconscious in a pool of your own blood?
Wouldn't have missed that for the world. (LAUGHS)
Mr Jackson? We need you now. Alright.
Here, I managed to get most of the blood out. Thank you so much.
Oh, hang on. You...
Here let me...
Now, Mr Jackson?
Wait, and Brian?
Show those stuck-up bastards what you're made of.
If you'd like to wait... here. OK.
Ah, there's Bamber. Wait here, please.
Oh, my god...!
'Which constellation of seven bright stars
includes Merak, Megrez and Mizar?'
'Ursa Major or the Great Bear. Also known as the Big Dipper.'
(I knew that!)
Oh... There it is.
OK, everybody. Two minutes.
I'm sorry about that.
It's alright.
In retrospect, it's possible I wasn't entirely faultless.
What?
You think it's too much? Um...
OK. If you'd like to take your seats?'
Alright, team.
Let's take these mothers out!
# SURVIVOR - "Eye of the Tiger" (DRAMATIC GUITAR INTRO)
(UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE THEME MUSIC) Coming to the studio live
in 3...2...1... Intro Bamber.
It's University Challenge!
Asking the questions, Bamber Gascoigne!
Hello. Welcome once again to University Challenge,
this week between the University of Bristol and Queens College Cambridge
Let's meet the teams, starting with Queens.
I'm Tristram Neville from Cheltenham reading pure mathematics.
I'm Cordelia Sykes from Norwich reading Chemistry.
Team captain? Anthony Salmon, Winchester,
doing post-graduate research into medieval French literature.
Nigel De Havilland from West Dulwich reading economics.
And the team from Bristol?
Hi, I'm Alice Harbinson from Hampstead, London, reading drama.
I'm Brian Jackson from Southend in Essex, reading English literature.
Team captain? Patrick Watts, Ashton-under-Lyne,
post graduate in mechanical engineering.
And I'm Lucy Chang from Minneapolis reading medicine.
Without further ado, here's your first starter for ten.
Listen carefully before you buzz.
For a straight line graph of y against x
where the gradient is 2 and the y intercept is 5,
what is the value of y when x is 10? (BUZZ) Salmon, Queens! 25. Correct.
Ten points. Queens have three bonus questions on electron microscopy.
What was identified by Hegel as the tendency of a concept
to pass into its own negation as a result of- (BUZZ) Watts, Bristol!
Sorry. I don't know the answer. I'm afraid you lose five points.
(BUZZ) Salmon, Queens! Is it dialectic? Dialectics, indeed!
Chang, Bristol! The adrenal gland!
Is correct, and you've three bonus questions on geography.
African country with both Atlantic and Mediterranean coastlines?
Help me here. Is it Morocco? Have to hurry you. Algeria.
Algeria? No, I'm afraid it's Morocco.
Now, look at your monitors.
(BUZZ) Watts, Bristol!
Durham cathedral! No, I'm afraid that's incorrect.
(BUZZ) Sykes, Queens!
York Minster? Is the correct answer.
(BUZZ) De Havilland, Queens.
Calcium carbonate. Incorrect.
I'm afraid you lose five points.
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol! Calcium sulphate? Is correct!
(It's the Orestia by Aeschylus.) The Orestia by Aeschylus? Correct.
(Euclidian algorithm.) The Euclidian algorithm. Correct.
(Honi soit qui mal y pense.) Honi soit qui mal y pense. Correct.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(BUZZ) Salmon. Queens. The overture from Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte.
(APPLAUSE)
(BUZZ) The mucus membrane.
(BUZZ) Oxidisation. (BUZZ) The Siege of Krishnapur.
(BUZZ) Is it an oxbow lake? It is indeed an oxbow lake!
(CHEERING / APPLAUSE)
(Let's just go home.)
There may just be time to catch up. A starter for ten.
Derived from the Greek words for wing and finger, what is the genus-
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol.
Pterodactyl. Is correct.
Schlemm canal.
The ora serrata.
And... is it the fovea centralus?
It is indeed!
Which American poet and Fulbright scholar- (BUZZ) Harbinson, Bristol!
Sylvia Plath. Sylvia Plath is correct.
Three more questions for you on quotations from Shakespeare.
Twelfth Night. Twelfth Night. Correct.
Much Ado. Much Ado About Nothing. Correct.
Henry IV. Henry V. Which is it?
Come on. Um, go with Brian.
Is the answer King Henry V? Is the correct answer!
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol! The battleship Potemkin. Correct.
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol! The Treaty of Versailles. Correct.
(BUZZ) Watts, Bristol!
It's a form of fungal infection. Is the correct answer.
(BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol. Electroluminescence.
Candoluminescence.
Luminescence.
Phosphorescence.
Come on... Incandescence!
All correct! An amazing recovery there!
All to play for. Just five points behind and one minute on the clock.
For 10 points a question on astronomy. (BUZZ) Jackson, Bristol!
Ursa major or The Great Bear.
(GONG!)
The Big Dipper?
Well,... rather amazingly, that... is the correct answer, so...
I think perhaps we'd best stop recording.
(BUZZ OF CHATTER)
What just happened? I don't know.
Does anyone know what the hell just happened?
Does anybody know how he knew the answer
when I didn't even ask him the bloody question?
(SHOUTING FROM STUDIO)
# TEARS FOR FEARS - "Ideas as Opiates"
# Say what you want
# Say what you will
# Say what you want
# Say what you will
# Cos I find you think...
Can we just get going, please?! # ..what makes it easier
(ENGINE STARTS / JINGLE BLARES OUT)
# Say what you want
# Say what you will
Brian?
We'll laugh about it some day.
# Say what you want
# Say what you will
# Cos I find
# ..you think what makes it easier... #
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
I'll just see if he's here.
No, I'm sorry. I'll tell him you called.
Bye.
I dunno why you won't talk to her. You know why not.
I made a complete idiot of myself. No, you didn't!
Mum, you were there, remember?
Alright, you made a prat of yourself. Thanks, Mum.
Look, Brian, the people who really care about you don't mind mistakes.
It's what you do next that matters.
And if you can't see that, you're not as smart as I thought you were.
(THE SMITHS) # Haven't had a dream in a long time
# See, the life I've had
# ..would make a good man bad
# So, for once in my life
# Let me get what I want
# Lord knows, it would be the first time
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
# Lord knows, it would be the first time
There's someone here to see you.
I can't, Mum.
Brian, you've been moping around for weeks and I'm not having it.
There's been far too much of that already in this house.
It's Spencer. I'm not gonna tell him to go away.
Never thought I'd see you in a suit.
The magistrate liked it. She only gave me six months probation.
Hiding in a wardrobe, Spence. It...
It's not funny! Maybe you weren't so perfect yourself, mate.
I suppose not.
Look, what are you still doing here? What do you mean?
Why haven't you gone back yet? I've gone off the idea.
Besides, it's only a waste of time. How can it be a waste of time?
You've changed your tune! It's a waste of time for someone like me.
But you... you love it.
Maybe I'm not as clever as I thought I was. Course you're clever.
It's just every now and then you do some stupid things, that's all.
I got you this.
Thanks, Spence.
Cheers! It's only a tape, Bri.
No need to get all gay about it.
I'll see you soon, yeah?
Do you need more towels? Got towels, Mum.
Bread? Sugar? Bag of potatoes?
I'm fine, Mum.
Uh, see you, Des.
I'll see you, Bri.
Right.
Brian? Yeah?
Don't take this the wrong way.
But I'm really glad to see the back of you.
Remember! Fresh fruit!
'I admit it. I've made some mistakes.'
'OK, some BIG mistakes. Loads of them.'
'But you can't hide in your room forever feeling sorry for yourself.'
'It's not practical.'
'At some point you've got to get out, face up to things,
and confront your demons.'
Well, well...! Mr Jackson. Could this possibly mean you're back?
Uh... Yes, if...
So, we'll see you tomorrow then.
Thank you, Doctor.
'And, yes, I've made some bad choices, lost my head,
let people down, people I care for.'
'But there still might be time to get something right.'
You came back...!
Oh, I'm so glad you came back!
Now, listen, you mustn't worry about what people are gonna say. OK?
You made a mistake but- If I can just stop you there, Alice. Sorry.
I'm looking for someone else.
'Every since I can remember, I've wanted to be clever.'
'Some people are born clever, same way some people are born beautiful.'
'I'm not one of them. I'll have to work at it, put in the effort.'
'And if I mess it up, I'll learn from it.'
'Besides, sometimes it's not about knowing the right answer,
sometimes it's about asking the right question.'
We want the money spent on nuclear weapons put into the health system,
into nurseries and schools,
and our universities.
What do we want? (CROWD) Nukes out!
When do we want it? Now! What do we want? Nukes out!
When do we want it? Now!
What do we want? Nukes out! When do we want it? Now!
Hello.
Do you think we could talk? Somewhere a bit less... angry?
Alright.
Yeah.
You've got a nerve, Brian Jackson. Not answering my phone calls.
Look, I know. And I'm sorry.
I wanted to. I just needed time to make sense of everything.
I see. So does everything make sense now? Almost.
I just need to ask you one question.
OK. One question.
Ten points.
Do you think you could forgive me?
For all the mistakes?
All the wrong answers... and stupid remarks.
Brian, you already know the answer.
# THE CURE - "Love Song"
# Whenever I'm alone with you
# You make me feel like I am home again
# Whenever I'm alone with you
# You make me feel like I am whole again
# Whenever I'm alone with you
# However far away
# I will always love you
# However long I stay
# I will always love you
# Whatever words I say
# I will always love you
# I will always love you... #