LAUGHTER
SOFTLY: Come on.
Ta-ta! Ta-ta!
Don't forget the chequie. Can't produce playies without chequies.
You can count on me, you dirty young man!
Ooh! Oh.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
Old buzzard!
HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
Hold me, touch me. Hold me, touch me.
Hold me, touch me - ah!
Hold me, touch me.
Ah!
Darling!
Hold me. Touch me. Not in the hall!
SHE LAUGHS
I know she's in here.
I wonder where she's hiding. Where are you?
LAUGHTER
Where are you, devil woman?
Finders, keepers!
Here I come, ready or not.
There you are, you little flake!
Argh!
GROANING
What's the matter?
Papa no want to play with baby?
I think Papa's neck is broken.
What a sissy!
Meow.
Meow!
I wonder where old Tom is tonight.
HE PURRS
SHE GIGGLES
SCREECHING
SHE LAUGHS
HE WHIMPERS
Oh, Bialy. Bialy, darling. Did I hurt you?
It's only a flesh wound, lamb chop.
Oh, don't... Don't worry, darling. Ow... Ow, ow, ow!
I'll kiss it and make it well.
Mr Bialystock? Mr Bialystock?
Oh, how do you do? Oh, my God! I mean...
I mean, excuse me.
You mean, "oops", don't you? Just say "oops", and get out.
Ha-ah-ah-ah-ah...
Not ah-ah-ah! Oops!
Oops.
NERVOUS GIGGLING
I can't abide a Peeping Tom.
There's one in the apartment just opposite my bedroom window.
I swear, that man never takes his field glasses off me for a minute.
Feeling better? Yes.
Good.
CLUNK
Let's fool around.
Now,
I'll be the innocent little milkmaid
and you be the naughty stable boy. GROANING
Oh! This milk is SO heavy.
I'll never reach the house.
Help...help me. Will someone help me?
Help me... Wait, wait! We can't play today.
I have too many appointments. We can't play today?
Thursday, Thursday! We'll play on Thursday.
We'll play the contessa and the chauffeur.
Oh! The best one! Until Thursday then, Contessa?
Contessa mia!
Oh, Bialy, Bialy, please. Just a little. Just a little.
MUTTERING: Money. I need money.
All right. All right.
All right. The contessa and the chauffeur.
MAKING ENGINE NOISES
So, the count hired you this morning, Rudolfo?
Watch the road, watch the road.
I can't take my eyes off you.
How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
Oh! Rudolfo, you dirty pig!
Pull over.
That's enough! Good! Good. We'll do the rest on Thursday.
That's a good girl. Oh... That's a good girl.
I'll get you your purse. And your gloves. Till Thursday.
Thursday.
Till Thursday, then, you bawdy wench. Oh!
Oh, hold me, touch me. Thursday. Thursday.
And then we'll finish playing the contessa and Rudolfo?
First thing on Thursday. Oh!
And after that, we'll play the abduction
and the cruel rape of Lucretia and I'll be Lucretia.
And I'll be Rape! On Thursday. That's wonderful!
Lucretia, you forgot the chequie -
can't produce plays without chequies!
Oh, of course. Well, I had it with me all the time.
Is it all right? I made it out to cash.
You didn't tell me the name of the play. Fine. Fine. Good. Good.
Thursday, Thursday!
Goodbye, my pouter pigeon.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Ta-ta. Ta-ta. Goodbye.
He who signs the lease, must pay rent.
That's the law.
Murderer, thief. How can you take the last penny
out of a poor man's pocket? I have to. I'm a landlord.
Oh, Lord, hear my plea. Destroy him, he maketh a blight on the land.
Don't listen to him, he's crazy!
That hurt. I must make another call.
Oops.
Who are you? What do you want?
Why are you loitering in my hallway?
Speak, dummy, speak! Why don't you speak?
Scared. Can't talk.
All right.
Get a hold of yourself. Take a deep breath.
Let it out slow.
And tell me, who are you?
I'm Leo Bloom. I am an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall and Marks. I was sent here to do your books.
And I'm terribly sorry I caught you with the old lady.
"Caught you with the old lady."
Come in, Mr Tact.
So, you're an accountant, huh? Yes, I am.
Then account for yourself!
Do you believe in God? Do you believe in gold?
Why are you looking up old ladies' dresses?
Bit of a pervert, huh? Oh!
Never mind, never mind! Do the books.
They're over there in that desk. Top drawer.
I'll take your coat. Thank you. You're welcome.
How dare you condemn me without knowing the all facts?!
Mr Bialystock... Shut up!
I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
How humiliating. Max Bialystock.
Max Bialystock.
You know who I used to be?
Max Bialystock, King of Broadway. Six shows running at once.
Lunch at Del Monaco's.
$200 suits.
You see this?
This once held a pearl as big as your eye.
Look at me now!
I'm wearing a cardboard belt.
I used to have thousands of investors
begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production.
Look at my investors now.
Voila!
Hundreds of little old ladies,
stopping off at Max Bialystock's office
to grab a last thrill
on the way to the cemetery.
You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity
into one of enormous respect.
One...two...
Do the books. Do the books.
I appreciate that, sir.
Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there.
That's it, baby. When you've got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
COUGHING
Ahem! Cough. Cough...
Cough!
Ahem!
I assume you're making those cartoon noises to attract my attention.
Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?
Oh, I hurt your feelings.
Good! What is it? May I speak to you for a minute?
Go. You have 58 seconds.
Well, in glancing at your books, I noticed that in the columns...
You have 48 seconds left. Hurry, hurry!
Oh, I glanced at your books...
28 seconds, you're running out of time.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, 17 seconds...
Mr Bialystock, I cannot function with these conditions.
You're making me extremely nervous.
What is that? A handkerchief? Nothing. It's nothing.
If it's nothing then why can't I see it? Ah!
My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!
HE BURBLES
Hey, ssh.
Here, here. Don't panic. Don't panic.
I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket.
It's not important. It's a minor compulsion.
I can deal with it if I want to.
It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby
and I find it very comforting.
They come here. They all come here.
How do they find me? May I speak to you?
Yes, Prince Mischken. What can we do for you?
This is hardly a time for levity.
Mr Bialystock, I've discovered a serious error here
in the accounts of your last play.
What? Well, according to the backers list, you raised $60,000.
But the play that you produced only cost $58,000 -
that's $2,000 unaccounted for.
I went to a Turkish bath, who cares? The play was a flop!
What difference does it make?
That's fraud!
If they found out, you could go to prison.
Who's going to find out? It's only $2,000.
Bloom, do me a favour, move a few decimal points around.
You can do it. You're an accountant.
You're in a noble profession - the word "count" is part of your title.
That's cheating. It's not cheating. It's charity.
Bloom, look at me.
Look at me, Bloom.
Bloom, I'm drowning.
Other men sail through life,
Bialystock has struck a reef.
Bloom? I'm going under.
I'm being sunk but a society that demands success
when all I can offer is failure.
Bloom, I'm reaching out to ya.
Don't send me to prison.
HELP!
BLOOM WHIMPERS
Help me...help...
Help me...
I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.
Thank you. I knew I could con you. That's all right.
What? Nothing, nothing. Do it.
Do it. Right, well, let's see, $2,000.
$2,000.
Well, that isn't much. I'm sure I can hide it somewhere.
After all, the Internal Revenue Service isn't interested
in a show that flopped. Yes, right, good thinking.
You figure it out. I'm tired. I'm going to take a little nap.
Wake me if there's a fire.
Well, let's see. If we add these, we get...ten...
Hmm.
Amazing. It's absolutely amazing...
..but under the right circumstances, a producer could make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible.
If he were certain that the show would fail,
a man could make a fortune. Yes? Yes, what?
What you were saying. Keep talking. What was I saying?
You were saying that, under the right circumstances,
a producer could make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible. You keep saying that,
but you don't tell me HOW.
How can a producer make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit?
Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.
Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Assume away. It's very easy -
you simply raise more money than you really need. What do you mean?
Well, you did it yourself only you did it on a very small scale.
What did I do? You raised $2,000 more than you needed
to produce your last play.
So what? What did it get me? I'm wearing a cardboard belt.
Well, that's where you made your mistake. You didn't go all the way.
You see, if you were really a bold criminal,
you could have raised a million.
But the play cost me only $60,000 to produce. And how long did it run?
One night. You see? Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?
You could have raised a million dollars, put on a $60,000 flop
and keep the rest. But what if the play was a hit?
Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit,
you have to pay off all the backers,
and with so many, there could never be enough profits to go around.
Get it? Aha.
Aha. AHA! So in order for this scheme to work,
we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.
What scheme? What scheme(?)
Your scheme, you bloody little genius! I meant no scheme.
I merely posed a little academic accounting theory.
It was just a thought.
Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.
Don't you see, Bloom? Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom, it's so simple.
Step one - we find the worst play in the world, a sure-fire flop.
Step two - I raise a million bucks. A lot of old ladies in the world.
Step three - you go back to work on the books.
Phoney lists of backers - one for the government, one for us.
You can do it, Bloom. You're a wizard!
Step four - we open on Broadway!
And before you can say step five, we close on Broadway.
Step six - we take our million bucks and we fly to Rio de Janeiro!
# Rio! Rio... #
Mr Bialystock, wait a minute...
# Oh, mio... # You're holding me too tight!
# Rio, by the sea-o... #
I'm an honest man. You don't understand.
No, Bloom, you don't understand!
This is fate, this is destiny, this is kismet.
There's no avoiding it.
Mr Bialystock, not more than five minutes ago, I doctored your books.
That, sir, is the ultimate extent of my criminal life.
O-O-O-OH! I WANT THAT MONEY!
Ooh... I fell on my keys.
You miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar.
Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
You're going to jump on me. Huh?
You're going to jump on me. I know you're going to jump on me.
Like Nero jumped on Poppaea. Who?
Poppaea! She was his wife and she was unfaithful to him
so he got mad and she jumped on her -
up and down, up and down until he squashed her like a bug!
Please don't jump on me. I'm not going to jump on you!
SCREAMING
Will you get a hold of yourself! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
HE BURBLES HYSTERICALLY
What's the matter with you? I'm hysterical.
I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical.
I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop, I'm hysterical.
I'm wet.
I'm wet. I'm hysterical and I'm wet.
I'm in pain.
And I'm wet.
And I'm still hysterical. No, no, no, don't hit. Don't hit.
It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger.
What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical.
Go away, go away. You frighten me.
Where should I go? Over there. OK. OK.
Eeeeeeeh.
OK, OK. I'm over here. Is this better? That's better.
But you still LOOK angry. AH!
How's this?
Good.
That's good. That's very nice.
I think I'm coming out of it now.
Ah, yes. I'm definitely coming out of it.
Thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.
You know what they say. "Smile, and the world smiles with you."
This man should be in a straitjacket.
Feeling better? Oh, much. Thank you. But I am a little light-headed.
Maybe I should eat something.
Hysterical attacks have a way of severely deplete one's blood sugar.
They certainly do. They certainly do.
Come, let me take you to lunch.
You know, it's very nice of you to take me to lunch, Mr Bialystock.
Call me Max. I don't let everybody call me Max.
It's only those people I like.
OK, Max. And you can call me Leo.
I already have.
Well, where shall we go for lunch?
Well, Max... I don't know, Max. What do you think, Max?
Well, Leo, it's such a beautiful day -
why go to a dark, stuffy restaurant?
Let's dine alfresco.
This is alfresco? The finest.
Mm, excellent. Please tender our compliments to the chef.
Please tender half a buck. Here you are, my good man.
I'm not your good man. I happen to own this establishment.
Give me the change.
Everybody's a big shot!
Well, Leo, what say we promenade through the park?
I'd love to, but it's nearly two o'clock.
I should be getting back to Whitehall and Marks. Nonsense!
As far as Whitehall and Marks are concerned,
you're working with Max Bialystock, right? Right.
Then stick with Bialystock!
Lovely out here, isn't it? I wish I could enjoy it.
I'm so nervous. What if someone from the office should see me?
Then you'd see them. And why aren't THEY at the office?
That's...right. That's it, Leo. You're learning.
Having a good time? I don't know, I feel so strange.
Maybe you're happy.
That's it, I'm happy.
Ha-ha!
Well, what do you know about that?! I'm happy!
There it is, Bloom.
The most exciting city in the world.
Thrills. Adventure. Romance.
Everything you ever dreamed of is down there -
big black limousines, gold cigarette cases,
elegant ladies with long legs.
All you need is money, Bloom.
Money is honey. Money is honey.
Leo! He who hesitates is poor. Mmm.
Don't let me influence you - it's your decision.
But if we get caught, we'll go to prison.
You think you're not in prison now?
Living in a grey little room? Going to a grey little job?
Leading a grey little life?
That's right. I'm a nothing.
I spend my life counting other people's money.
People I'm smarter than, better than.
Where's MY share?
Where's Leo Bloom's share?
I want...
I want... I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
Leo, say you'll join me!
I'll do it!
My God! I'll do it!
I'm Leo Bloom!
I'm me!
I can do whatever I want.
It doesn't matter. I'm Leo Bloom!
Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning.
I don't know what I'm reading any more. Read, read!
We've got to find the worst play ever written.
Ah.
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning
"to discover
"that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach."
It's too good!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've read this play.
I'm reading plays I read this morning.
I can't go on.
It's too much.
Max! Let's face it. We'll never find it.
MAX LAUGHS
We'll never find it, huh? We'll never find it, huh?
Never find it...
# Oh, Rio! Rio by the sea-o
# Bialystock and Leo, oh, mio, oh, m... #
Leo.
Smell it?
See it? Touch it, touch it. What is it? What is it(?)
We've struck gold. Not fool's good but real gold.
The mother lode. The mother lode. The mother of them all.
Kiss it, kiss it.
You've found a flop. A flop? That's putting it mildly.
We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage,
a guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty. Let's see it.
This is freedom from want for ever.
This is a house in the country. This is a Rolls-Royce and A Bentley.
This is wine, women and song. And women.
"Springtime For Hitler."
"A gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden." Wow!
Wow! It's practically a love letter to Hitler. This won't run a week.
A week? Are you kidding? This play has got to close on page four.
Who wrote it? Who wrote it? Read. Read, right there. Read.
Franz. Franz. Liebkind. Liebkind.
100. 100. West. West. James Street. James Street. Franz Liebkind.
100 West James Street.
This is it. 100.
Who do you want?
I beg your pardon? Who do you want? No-one gets in the building
unless I know who they want. I'm the concierge.
My husband used to be the concierge, but he's dead.
Now I'm the concierge.
We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Oh, the Kraut. He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Thank you. Thank you. But you won't find him there.
He's up on the roof with his birds.
He keeps birds.
Dirty, disgusting, filthy, lice-ridden birds.
You used to be able to sit on the stoop like a person.
Not any more. No, sir.
Birds! You get my drift?
We get it. We get your drift. Thank you, madam.
I'm not a madam!
I'm a concierge!
PIGEONS COOING
He's wearing a German helmet. Ssh!
Don't say anything to offend him. We need that play.
Franz Liebkind? I was never a member of the Nazi party!
I'm not responsible. I only followed orders. Who are you?
Why do you persecute me? My papers are in order.
I love my adopted country.
# Oh, beautiful
# For spacious skies
# For amber waves of... #
What do you want? Relax, relax, Mr Liebkind.
We're not from the government. We came to talk about your play.
My play? You mean Springtime For... you know who?
Yes. What about it?
We love it. We think it's a masterpiece!
That's why we're here - we wish to produce it on Broadway.
Broadway.
Oh, joy of joys.
Oh, dream of dreams. I can't believe it.
I must tell the birds.
Birds! Birds! Birds, do you hear?
Adolf! Berta! Heinz! Hans! Do you hear?
We are going to clear the Fuhrer's name.
# Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles
# Uber alles in der Welt... #
Mr Liebkind, Mr Liebkind, please. People can hear.
# I'm a Yankee doodle dandy A Yankee doodle... #
This is not a place to talk. Come, we'll go to my flat.
An occasion like this calls for schnapps!
HE SINGS A SENTIMENTAL WALTZ
THEY JOIN IN TIMIDLY
Sure, not many people knew it,
but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Really? I never dreamed that...
That is because you were taken in
by that verdammte Allied propaganda.
Such filthy lies, they told lies!
But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they?
No, win with Winnie!
Churchill!
With his cigars. With his brandy.
And his rotten painting! Rotten! Hitler - there was a painter.
He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon - two coats!
Churchill... He couldn't even say Nazi.
He would say, "Narzies." "Narzies."
We wasn't Narzies!
We were Nazis!
Churchill!
Exactly why... Let me tell you this!
And you're hearing this straight from the HORSE!
Hitler was better looking than Churchill.
He was a better dresser than Churchill.
He had more hair!
He told funnier jokes and he could dance the pants off of Churchill.
Exactly why... Churchill!
Y-y-yes! Churchill!
That's exactly why we want to produce this play -
to show the world the true Hitler.
The Hitler you love, the Hitler you knew.
The Hitler with a song in his heart.
THEY SING THE WALTZ
Here, Franz Liebkind, sign here,
and make your dream a reality.
Here it is! Springtime For Hitler -
signed, sealed and delivered. What's the matter?
I'm not wearing this armband.
I don't care how big the deal is, I won't wear it. OK.
Take it off. Take it off.
Taxi!
The Blue Gypsy. Why are we going to the Blue Gypsy?
We are not going to the Blue Gypsy - I am going to The Blue Gypsy.
I have a rendezvous with a lady of some means.
You see, my dear Bloom, phase one is complete. The play is ours.
We are now entering phase two - the raising of the money.
In the days to come you will see very little of me,
for Max Bialystock is launching himself into Little Old Lady Land.
Adieu. Avanti!
WHISPERING
You're incorrigible, Bialy. Here's to the success of your new play.
OUR new play, my love. Oh.
Oh, Bialy. I'm so sorry. Did I wet you? Think nothing of it, my dear.
A mere trifle. A mere trifle!
Did you bring the chequie? Oh, yes. I have it right here in my purse.
And I made it out just like you told me - to cash.
That's a funny name for a play! Think nothing of it, my dear...
VIOLIN PLAYS GREEK MELODY
GLUGGING AND TRICKLING
Thank you, my dear. Say it again, Bialy.
I swear to you on my life, you don't look a day over 65!
There! There you are.
I love you.
What?
I love you. What?
I LOVE YOU! Oh!
Go, Bialy baby! Go!
BUZZER SOUNDS
QUIET, TREMBLING VOICE: Who is it? It's Max Bialystock.
Oh, good! I thought it was a burglar.
Wait, I'll let you in.
BOLT SLIDES BACK
LOCK CLICKS
ANOTHER LOCK CLICKS
BOLT SLIDES BACK
SEVERAL LOCKS CLICKING
HEAVY BOLT SLIDES BACK
LOCK CLICKS
LOCK RATTLES
WOMAN GIGGLES
Mrs Sarah Cathcart. She owns 50% of the profits.
Mrs Virginia Resnick.
She also owns 50% of the profits.
Mrs Eleanor Biddlecombe.
She also owns 50% of the profits.
Mrs Elmer Wentworth.
She owns 100% of the profits.
Leo, how much percentage of a play can there be all together?
Max, you can only sell 100% of anything.
And how much of Springtime For Hitler have we sold?
25,000%.
Twenty-five thousand per cent!
Give me that blue thing.
Max, where are you going? We haven't finished signing the contracts.
I have to see that money.
Hello, boys.
If you only knew what I went through for you.
Max, what are you doing? I'm going to buy myself a toy.
I worked very, very hard and I think I deserve a toy.
A toy? A toy.
THAT'S a toy? She happens to be our new receptionist.
She goes with our new surroundings.
Ulla?
Ulla, Ulla, I want you meet my associate and partner, Mr Leo Bloom.
Goddag pa dig! I beg your pardon? Goddag pa dig! Oh, goddagen.
Max, have you gone mad?
A receptionist that can't speak English? What will people say?
They'll say, "A-oowawa wawawa wa wa!"
What is she going to do here? Ssh. I'll show you.
Ulla.
Go to work. Go to verk.
GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS
Ulla! OK! OK, Ulla!
Cream puff! Sweetie pie! Pussy cat! OK!
ULLA!
Stop work.
MUSIC STOPS
Would you believe it? I met her in the public library.
Ulla!
Go to desk. Answer telephone.
"Bialystock and Bloo-oom. Bialystock and Bloo-oom."
Bialystock unt Bloo-oom. Bialystock unt Bloo-oom.
Goddag pa dig. Bialystock unt Bloo-oom.
Goddag pa dig. Bialystock unt Bloo-oom. Goddag pa dig.
Nice girl.
DOOR SHUTS
Hey, Bloo-oom. Take a cigar.
Max, maybe we should...
BUZZ
What's that? Nothing, nothing. Go on. Go on.
Smart as a whip!
No, no, no!
No, no, no, no!
You Swedish tease.
Hmm, min Bialystock.
You'll bury me.
Leo, what were you saying?
Uh? Oh, Max, maybe we should go a little easier on the spending.
I mean, these offices and all. Why?
Take it when you can get it! Flaunt it, baby! Flaunt it!
But if something should - God forbid - go wrong,
at least we could give back some of the money.
I mean, it would look better in court. Stop talking like that!
Nothing is gonna go wrong. As a matter of fact, today,
I have taken steps to make sure
that Springtime For Hitler will be a total disaster.
At two o'clock, we have an appointment
with none other Roger De Bris.
Roger De Bris? W... Oh! The director.
Is he good? I mean, is he bad?
He stinks. He's perhaps the worst director that ever lived.
He's the only director whose plays close on the first day of rehearsal.
Do you think he'll take the job? Only if we ask him. It's late.
I'll get the car.
Ja?
Call chauffeur. Get car.
Good, good! We go to motel?
No, no, no. We go.
You? Mr Bloom? Go to motel?
No! No motel!
Get car. Get car.
Get car! Get car!
Get car!
Thank you, Rudolfo.
DOORBELL RINGS
Now, don't let anything he says or does upset you.
He's a little peculiar. What do you mean?
Yes?
I am Max Bialystock. This is my associate Mr Bloom.
We have an appointment with Mr De Bris.
Oh, yes, you are expected. Please do come in.
How do you do? I'm Carmen Giya,
Monsieur De Bris' private secretary. Would you please remove your shoes?
White, white, white is the colour of our carpet.
Will you please follow me?
HE MOUTHS
Please.
We're not alone!
Please sit down. Roger?
Ah! Messrs Bialystock and Bloom, I presume. Forgive the pun.
Ha-ha-ha! What pun?
Shut up, he thinks he's witty! Good to see you again, Roger.
Did you get a chance to read Springtime For Hitler? Remarkable.
Remarkable!
A stunning piece of work.
Max, he's wearing a dress. No kidding(?)
I, for one, think it is a very important play.
Do you know, I never realised that the Third Reich meant Germany?
I mean, it's drenched with historical goodies like that.
Oh, dear. You're staring at my dress. I should explain.
I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball tonight.
There is a prize for the best costume. And we always win!
I'm not so sure about tonight.
I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia.
But I think I look more Tug Boat Annie. What do you think?
Well... Now, be cruel!
Be brutal! Be brutal! Because heaven knows, THEY will.
Well? What do you think, Mr Bloom?
Where do you keep your wallet?
It's gorgeous! It's gorgeous!
You couldn't have picked a better colour.
It brings out your eyes. Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you!
Do you really think it brings out my eyes?
We can't tell a thing without your wig.
As far as I'm concerned, you're only half dressed.
Mm-hm. Well, if you're so worried about the wig, get it,
O Wicked Witch Of The West(!)
CARMEN HUMS
Light his cigarette.
He likes you. I don't want to...
Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?
I've never been on a summer cruise.
Oh. Quel dommage!
Oh, I see we're getting acquainted!
How would you like to go back to teasing hair, big mouth?
Later, Roger!
Er, Roger, do you mind if we talk a little business?
Oh, please! Please! That is what we are here for.
I think this would be a marvellous opportunity for you, Roger.
Be careful - that hurt!
Up to now, you've always been associated with musicals...
Yes! Dopey showgirls with gooey gowns!
Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn!
It's enough to make you puke. Roger!
But now, at last, a chance to do straight drama.
Roger De Bris presents history!
Of course, I think we should add a little music.
And that whole third act has got to go!
They're losing the war! It's too depressing.
We shall have to put something in there...
Ah! What? I see it! I see it!
A line of beautiful girls, dressed as storm troopers -
black patent leather boots! SM!
Love it! All marching together -
two, three, kick, turn! Turn, turn, kick, turn! It will work!
That is genius! Genius!
I think I speak for Mr Bloom and myself when I say
you are the only man in the world who can do justice
to Springtime For Hitler.
Wait a minute! This is a very big decision.
It might affect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it.
I'll do it! Congratulations!
And thank you. Get on the phone. Send out a casting call.
Call every agent in town!
I want to see everybody!
Everybody!
HUBBUB OF HITLERS REHEARSING
This is bedlam! Bedlam!
We must have some order!
Halt! Halt!
QUIET FALLS
Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings?
We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Aw!
Arthur Pickard!
Hello, Arthur. Tell us something about yourself.
I was lead tenor of the Albuquerque opera company
for the last two seasons.
I just finished the road tour of Lilac Time,
and last season, I was up for the lead
in the Broadway production of The Gypsy Lover.
What happened? I didn't get it.
Well, Arthur, what are you going to sing for us?
I would like to sing A Wandering Minstrel, I.
Very well.
PIANO INTRODUCTION
# A wandering minstrel, I,
# A thing of shreds and... # Thank you!
Next, please!
Jason Green. Please!
Well, Jason, and what have you been up to lately?
For ze last 16 years, I haf been touring with ze USO. Well!
And what are you going to sing for us?
Have You Ever Heard The German Band? No.
It is ze name of ze song I am going to sing. Oh?
You vill play it!
PIANO INTRODUCTION
# Haben Sie gehort das deutsches Band?
# With ze bang, with ze boom
# With ze bang, bang, boom, boom, bang
# Oh, haben Sie gehort das deutsches Band?
# With ze bang, with the boom... # Thank you!
With ze bang...
The Little Wooden Boy!
PIANO INTRODUCTION
# Once... # Thank you!
# Beautiful dreamer... #
Thank you! Oh. Does that mean I don't get it?
I'm sorry. YOU'RE sorry?!
# Della-a-a-a... # Thank you!
# ..ci-tt-a-a! #
Well, that's it.
Hey, man! I beg your pardon?
Is this where they're auditioning Boomerang, baby?
I'm afraid you've wandered into the wrong theatre.
Oh, man, not again! Freak out!
Wait! Wait!
This is Boomerang! This is Boomerang! What are you saying?
Let's hear him. What have we got to lose?
Young man... Yes, man? What is your name?
Oh, man! Oh, no, my name!
I know me... Lorenzo! Lorenzo, baby!
Lorenzo St Du Bois. But my friends call me LSD.
And what have you done. LSD?
Man, about six months. But I'm on probation and I'm cool, man.
I'm straight now. I mean, what do you do best?
Hey, man, I can't do that here! That's why they put me away, baby.
Oh, sing! Sing!
Oh, thank you so very much. If I may, I'd like to call on my group.
They kind of help me a little. Group! Hey, c'mon, fellas!
I would like to sing this song. It's about love...and hate.
Psychedelically speaking, I am talking about the power.
SLOW TINKLY INTRODUCTION
# Love power
# I'm talking 'bout love power
# The power of a sweet flower is gonna rule the Earth
# And there'll be a great rebirth!
# Love is the flower that is mine
# When I'm walking with my darlin' and we're holding hands
# And life is fine, cos she understands
# Walking down the sunny street
# Giving pretty flowers to the people that we meet
# And I give a flower to the big, fat cop
# He takes his club and he beats me up
# I give a flower to the garbage man
# He stuffs my girl in the garbage can
# And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes round
# He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down
# It goes into the sewer, with yuck running through 'er
# And it runs into the river that we drink
# Hey, World, you stink!
# Ooh! Ooh! Man, it's later than you think
# For you got just one more chance
# Come on, baby, while I dance!
# Love, love power, I'm talking 'bout...
# Love power
# The power of a little flower... #
You don't think about no little flower!
Oh, no, all you think about is guns!
If everyone in the world today had a flower instead of a gun,
there would be no wars, there would be one big smell-in!
Just the flowers!
Hey, man!
My flower!
What did you do to my flower, man?
You hurt it! Like everything else.
Everything else. A flower...
That's our Hitler!
Good evening... Your Highness!
There's the Times drama critic.
Watch closely as Max Bialystock puts the last nail into the coffin.
Good evening!
Good evening, sir. Always delighted to greet the gentlemen of the press!
Here you are, sir.
Two on the aisle, compliments of the management.
Thank you.
Wait. Wait a moment. There seems to be some mistake.
There's a $100 bill wrapped round these tickets! That's no mistake!
Enjoy the show!
Mt Bialystock, just what do you think you're doing?
I'm bribing you.
Just play ball and there's a lot more where that came from.
Stand up! Always up!
Gentlemen, it is magic time. Good luck!
Good luck! Good luck!
Tonight, Broadway. Tomorrow...
So much for Nazi Fagin!
He'll kill us!
Max, come on! The overture's started.
Well, Max...
..THIS IS IT!!! Ssh! Sorry. I'm a little nervous.
Relax! In two hours our worries will be over.
# Germany was having trouble, What a sad, sad story!
# Needed a new leader to restore its former glory!
# Where, oh, where was he? Where could that man be?
# We looked around, and then we found
# The man for you and me!
# And now it's...
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany
# Deutschland is happy and gay
# We're marching to a faster pace
# Look out, here comes the master race!
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany
# Winter for Poland and France
CHORUS: # Springtime for Hitler and Germany
# Come on, Germans, go into your dance! #
I was born in Dusseldorf and that is why they call me Rolf!
Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi party!
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany... #
GUNSHOTS
# Goose step's the new step today... #
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
# Bombs falling from the skies... #
BOMB FALLING, CRASH!
# Deutschland is on the rise again
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany
# U-boats are sailing once more... #
Well! Talk about bad taste!
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany
# Means that soon we'll be going
# We've got to be going
# We know we'll be going to...
# ..war! #
SILENCE
Hey!
OUTRAGED YELLING
Come, let us repair to the bar across the street.
We don't want to be caught here during intermission.
They'll stone us to death.
Er liebt mir.
Er liebt mir nicht. Er liebt mir, er liebt mir nicht.
Du liebt mir nicht!
Hey, man... I lieb you!
I lieb you, baby! I lieb you!
Now lieb me alone!
LAUGHTER
Harry, he's funny!
GALES OF LAUGHTER
Why don't you pay attention to me, you big dictator?
Oh, you chicks! Oh, you chicks!
You all alike. All you think about is lieben, lieben, lieben, lieben!
Don't you forget, baby, I took an oath!
Deutschland uber alles!
So cool it, while I map out my campaign!
BLUES INTRODUCTION
# Gonna crush Poland... #
LAUGHTER
# And I'm gonna take over France
# Wow-wow zabba-doobee-dow Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
# We're gonna take over Poland, ooh!
# And then I'm gonna crush France
# Ow, baby, don't ya know, mama!
# Then I'm gonna cross that English Channel, wow
# Then I'm gonna kick them cats in the pants, pow! #
LAUGHTER
Heil!
Did you see the look on that woman's face
when the guy started to sing?
# Springtime for Hitler... ..And Germany! #
Ssh!
Here's to the one and only performance
of Springtime For Hitler!
May it rest in peace!
Innkeeper!
Innkeeper, another round of drinks here!
As a matter of fact, a round of drinks for everybody in the place!
Just think...
..yesterday I was a meaningless little accountant,
and today, I'm the producer of a Broadway flop!
Well, here's to failure! To failure!
Oh, thank you! That's very kind of you!
Bitte schon, mein Fuhrer!
Hey, man! You're a German!
Ve are ALL Germans!
That's right!
That means we cannot attack Germany.
I mean, I got all my friends here, you know?
And what about me?
And then there's the Country Club and the laughs every night!
We got to do something... I got it!
I got it, I got it, I got it! What?
What have you got?
A medal that fell down my pants, man.
Get it out, baby.
Danke schon, baby.
"Baby"! "Baby"!
Why does he say this, "baby"?
The Fuhrer has never said "baby". I did not write "baby"!
What is it with zis "baby"?
Will you please shut up?
You shut up! You are the audience. I am the author. I outrank you!
Barkeep, barkeep! Another drink for myself,
my associate, Mr Bloom...
..and don't forget our good-natured inebriate over here.
Eternally grateful!
A toast! A toast! A toast!
To what? To...
..to toast! I love toast! To toast! To toast!
HE HUMS
AS AL JOLSON: Now... I'll take the lead.
And I want you right behind me all the way!
# By the light By the light, by the light
# Of the silvery moon Of the silvery moon
# I want to spoon, He wants to spoon, he wants to spoon
# To my honey I'll croon He's gonna croon love's tune
# Honeymoon Honeymoon, honeymoon
# Keep a-shining in June... Ju-u-une #
Sing out, boys!
# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams
# We'll be cuddling s-o-o-n... All right!
# By the silvery mo-o-o-o-n! #
Pah!
It's intermission. Quick! Hide your faces!
They'll tear us to pieces!
EXCITED CHATTER
I'll have a Manhattan.
Two whiskey sours, please.
Well, so far, that's about one of the funniest things
I've ever seen on Broadway! I never laughed so much in my life!
Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical!
I thought I'd split my sides!
Take it easy, kid. Don't panic!
There are a lot of plays on this street.
They aren't necessarily talking about Springtime For Hitler.
Would you ever believe in a million years
you'd ever love a show called Springtime For Hitler?!
Hey, come on. Let's get back.
If the second half is anything like the first,
this'll run for five years!
# Springtime for Hitler and Germany... #
Gotta think... Gotta think!
Mrs Cathcart - 50%. Mrs Resnick - 50%.
Got to think... Gotta think... Think...
Mrs Wentworth 100%...
HE GROANS
Leo! No way out!
Leo! No way out! Leo! No way out! Leo! No way out! Leo! No w... Leo!
No way ou... Leo, listen.
Let's go to the theatre. Let's see what's really happening.
After all, we only heard from a small portion of the audience.
Let's hear what the majority thinks. The majority? The majority.
The majority! The majority. Let's hear from the majority!
Yeah, the majority.
Where's the majority? The majority. Let's hear the majority.
The majority? Majority. Where's the majority?
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...
# One and one is two! Two and two is four!
# I feel so bad cos I'm losing the war! #
LAUGHTER
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Ze play here is in progress. You must be quiet! Swine! Swine!
Excuse me!
Oh, man, we're losing everything! Everything!
Where's my Goebbels? Where's my Goebbels? Where's my Goebbels?
Get me my little Joe!
Send for Goebbels! Send for Goebbels! Send for Goebbels!
Send for Goebbels! Send for Goebbels!
Heil, baby! Hey, baby! What's happening?
I just laid the morning propaganda progress on the people.
You're putting me on! What did you say?
I told the people we invaded England! Hy, that's a groove, Daddy!
How did we come out?
We beat 'em, baby! Cool, baby!
That's my Joe! That's my little Joe. I love my little Joe!
But, Joseph, you are smoking in the presence of the Fuhrer.
I'm sorry, Big Daddy.
They try!
Man, how they try!
Ja! Hey, what can I do for you? You will please be unconscious.
Zis iz an outrage. It must stop.
It makes me so mad, what they do. Curtain must go down.
Hey, what's happening?!
LAUGHTER
I am the author of this play!
You are the victims of a hoax! These are not my words!
The Fuhrer has never said this "baby".
The Fuhrer was sweet. The Fuhrer was kind.
The Fuhrer was God...
CLANG!
Oh, he loved me! Often, often he would say to me, "Franz..." Ow!
CLATTERING
Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo?
Yes? We make love?
No.
We don't make love. Go to work.
GROOVY MUSIC
"Congratulations! The biggest hit on Broadway!"
"Congratulations! Hitler will run for ever."
"Congratulations!"
Congratulations!
Have you seen the lines at the box office?
It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the biggest hit on Broadway!
You lousy fruit! You ruined me!
You're crazy. He's gonna kill me! Call the police! Call the police!
Help! Help! Murder! Murder! RAPE!
Don't let anybody in. I've got to think.
How could this happen?
I was so careful.
I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast!
Where did I go right?
What are you doing? Don't try to stop me. I've made up my mind.
What are you doing with those books? Where are you going?
I'm turning myself in. It's the only way.
I'm going to co-operate with the authorities.
They'll reduce my sentence and then there's time off for good behaviour
and maybe I'll get a job in the prison library. So long. No.
Leo, listen... Leo!
Take it easy. Relax. You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing. You're acting out of panic.
GIVE ME THOSE BOOKS! I never shoulda listened to you!
I never should have listened to you!
Oh, how I hate you! Double! Double! Double!
HE CACKLES
Fat! Fat!
Fat! Fat! You fattie!
Just give me those books, you fat walrus! No!
You fat fattie! Give me those fat books! No!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
You have broken the Siegfried Oath! You must die!
Argh! Argh!
Zis is not good here. I am not killing you.
Don't you understand? You must die!
Will you co-operate?!
KNOCKING
Come in! Come in! Come in! Come in! I hear noise. You call?
Where are you...?
BOO! Wargh!
I see you! You like something? Coffee?
Coffee... Yes! Good idea!
Ask the gentleman with the gun -
the gentleman who is shooting at us and trying to kill us -
what he will have.
You like coffee?
Kaffee? Ja! Black!
Two sugars! Two regular, one black,
two sugar. Good!
Champagne? No, thanks. I have just ordered coffee... AHA!
GUNSHOTS
Are you coming out from behind this desk or not?
Not! Cowards!
Miserable cringing cowards! Clinging to life! Watch!
Watch and remember!
Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!
# Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles... #
Please!
Sing!
SINGING QUIETLY
Soon I will be with mein Fuhrer.
Und Goring! Und Goebbels!
Und Himmler! I'm coming, boys!
CLICK
Oh!
Boy, when things go wrong...!
Wasted a whole day playing hide 'n' seek with a crazy Kraut!
Ow!
HE SOBS
There, there!
Where? Where?
You crazy lunatic. What are you shooting at us for?
Why don't you use this where it will do some good?
Why don't you shoot at the actors?
Franz...
Have I ever steered you wrong? Always.
Never mind. Listen.
Every night, people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?
It is... It is that LSD.
And his verdammte "babies"!
Here! Here!
Buy bullets! Go!
Kill. Kill the actors!
What?! Shut up! Ja, the actors...
I must destroy the actors.
Stop! This is insanity! Have you lost your mind?
How can you kill the actors? What do you mean, kill the actors?
Actors are not animals, they're human beings!
They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Go! Go! Kill! Liebkind, no!
Make up your minds!
What are you doing?! We're trapped.
It's either the show or us. There's no way out!
What can we do? Blow up the theatre...?
Dynamite! Dynamite. Dynamite.
Fuse! Fuse. Fuse.
Right... And now for the master connection.
DYNAMITE SCRAPES ALONG THE GROUND
HE MOUTHS
ALL: Aha! Don't shoot! It's the dynamite!
If you shoot it, it will get mad at us and blow us all up!
Zat is good thinking. I will put this dynamite back. Good.
Next time I produce a play - no author!
Max? What is it?
Max! What?!
Remember yesterday in the office, when we were fighting? So?
I'm sorry I called you fat, fat, fat.
Gentlemen, we have here a technical problem.
I do not know whether this little cable here
is the quick fuse or the slow fuse.
I must find zis out.
Ja...
This is critical.
Ah, ja! You see this?
You see this here, what I have told you?
This is an example of smartness here.
I have said that this is the quick fuse, ja? And zis IS the quick fuse.
THE QUICK FUSE! Argh!
# Oh, beautiful
# For spacious... #
Has the jury reached a verdict?
We have, your honour. How does the jury find?
We find the defendants incredibly guilty.
Do the defendants have anything to say on their behalf
before the court pronounce the sentence?
I would like to say something, your honour,
not on my behalf but in reference to my partner, Mr Bialystock.
Proceed.
Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
..Max Bialystock is the most...
..selfish man I ever met in my life. Don't help me!
Not only is he a liar
and a cheat...
..and a scoundrel and a crook,
who has taken money from little old ladies,
but he's also talked people into doing things - especially me -
that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing.
But, your honour,
as I understand it,
the law was created to protect people from being wronged.
Your honour,
whom has Max Bialystock wronged?
I mean, whom has he really hurt?
Not me. Not me.
I was...
This man...
No-one ever called me Leo before!
I know it's not a big legal point,
but...even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom.
I never sang a song before. I mean, with someone else.
I never sang a song with someone else before.
This man...
This is a wonderful man!
He made me what I am today.
He did.
And what of the dear ladies?
What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock?
Max Bialystock,
who made them feel young and attractive
and wanted again?
That's all I have to say.
Order! Order!
And may I humbly add, your honour, that we've learned our lesson,
that we'll never do it again.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier!
CHORUS: # Prisoners of love, blue skies above
# Can't keep our hearts in jail... #
No! No! No!
Now, come on, guys! Let's put a little life in it!
REHEARSAL RESUMES
# Prisoners of love
# Blue skies above... #
Yes, sir?
You now own 20% of Prisoners Of Love. Congratulations.
Yes, sir?
You now own 30% of Prisoners Of Love. Congratulations. Yes, sir?
The warden would like
to make a little investment in your production.
Tell him he owns 50% of the show. Thanks! My pleasure.
From the top, Franz. Once more.
Eins, zwei, drei, und...
# Prisoners of love, blue skies above
# Can't keep our hearts in jail! # Sing it out, men!
# Prisoners of love... #
Higher, you animals. Higher!
We open on Saturday night!
# You can lock us up and lose the key
# But hearts in love are always free
# Prisoners of love, blue skies above
# Cos we're still prisoners of love!
# Oh, you can lock us up
# And lose the key
# But hearts in love will always be
# Prisoners of love
# Blue skies above
# Cos we're still prisoners
# We're still prisoners
# We're still prisoners of love! #