1 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:12,920 This film contains some strong language 2 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,960 MUSIC: Kingdom by Joy Crookes 3 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,400 # Rolling up to vote, I toke my Benson 4 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,400 # England's blowing smoke, it needs attention 5 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:59,400 # Could use a lick of paint, a change of colour... # 6 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,320 PHONE PINGS 7 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,800 # Think I got a neighbour that's been feeling blue 8 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:12,800 # But they won't stand down no matter what you say or do 9 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,280 # How d'you learn to love if you're not taught to? # 10 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:19,760 Taxi! 11 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,800 # It's wearing me thin 12 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,960 # Who's got love for the taking? 13 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,160 # Who's got heart for the aching? 14 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,560 # No such thing as a kingdom 15 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,680 # When tomorrow's done for the children 16 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,000 # They chop it up and divide 17 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,200 # So meet me at the borderline 18 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,160 # Where the burning bridges have been taking toll 19 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,600 # We row, we row, we row the boat 20 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,640 # We row, we row, we row the boat 21 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,200 Oh! Zo! 22 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,520 Auntie Aisha! 23 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,640 Lovely to see you, Zoe. 24 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,600 You're looking...fresh. Oh! 25 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:07,640 PHONE RINGS 26 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,000 Oh. Excuse me. 27 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,640 Sorry. Hello? 28 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,680 No, no, I can talk. 29 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,560 She's always...going. 30 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,200 Oh. Oh, right. Um... 31 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,000 Well, can I come in and discuss this with you? 32 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,440 You know, I have other ideas. 33 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,400 That's great. OK. Goodbye. 34 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,160 Long time, no see, Miss Award-Winning Documentary Maker. 35 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,320 Can I have your autograph, please? 36 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,640 Kaz! 37 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,120 What are you doing up there? 38 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,640 Same as always - sneaky ciggie. Oh. 39 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,440 Come up. Please don't tell me 40 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,200 your parents still don't know you smoke. 41 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,560 I'm an oncology registrar. 42 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,120 It's not the best look, is it? 43 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,520 But they're happy, now I'm getting married. 44 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,920 You are? 45 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,880 Hey, congratulations. 46 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,160 Who's the lucky lady? 47 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,160 Don't know yet. Wait. What do you mean? 48 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,440 I'm going old-school on this one. 49 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,000 I'm getting an arranged marriage. Well, assisted marriage. 50 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,360 That's what we're calling it these days. Huh. 51 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,400 What, like assisted suicide? 52 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,640 I can't get my head around marrying someone you don't know. 53 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,800 It might be easier than marrying someone you do know. 54 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,360 Hmm. Well, did you never want to get married? 55 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,920 Ooh, never's a bit harsh. 56 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,440 I'm still...interviewing. 57 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,120 I haven't yet met the one. 58 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,280 Ah, the one. 59 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,360 You know, just someone 60 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,440 who I could commit to watching a whole TV series with would be nice. 61 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,800 Hey, where's your little sister? I haven't seen her. 62 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,880 Jamila? 63 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:25,920 She couldn't make it. 64 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,000 CHEERING INDOORS 65 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,400 It sounds like it's kicking off. Let's go back inside. 66 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,160 I'm going to have to find a new hiding place. 67 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,720 You know they're cutting down the tree? 68 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:34,920 No! 69 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,240 Yeah. That's... That's so sad! 70 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,640 This is our tree. 71 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:39,840 I know. Come on. 72 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,160 LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS 73 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,600 Look at Farooq. He's so happy. 74 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,160 Oh, God. Mum-dancing. 75 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,440 Thank you, Aisha! 76 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,880 That was just heaven. 77 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,480 We'll catch up tomorrow. Bye! 78 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,760 Oh, wasn't it just so wonderfully exotic? 79 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,440 I felt... I felt like some sort of glorious concubine. 80 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,200 "Exotic", meaning good foreign rather than threatening foreign? 81 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,000 Yeah, exactly. I forgot to give you some biryani. 82 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,280 Oh, darling, thank you so much! 83 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,960 Oh, I cannot believe that you did not tell me 84 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,840 that Kaz has asked you to find him a wife. 85 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,600 Oh, my God, you are so lucky. 86 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,840 I mean, Zoe would kill me if I even tried to choose her clothes, 87 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,000 let alone her husband. 88 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,120 Yeah, that's because you'd choose someone ill-fitting 89 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,040 and insist I grow into him. That's mean! 90 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,000 That's what you would do. Stop it, both! 91 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,040 Bye-bye! 92 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,800 Goodnight. Thank you, sweetheart. Night, Mum. 93 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,720 Bye, darling. Buckle up. 94 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,240 So, Zoe, we loved your doc. 95 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,920 Oh, loved it. Kids In Care? Yeah. Yes, that one. 96 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,680 Well, that's great, because I was hoping to... 97 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:51,640 Unfortunately, your ideas for - for your next one... 98 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,600 The bankruptcy courts. 99 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,040 Honour killings. 100 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,840 They're a bit bleak. Downbeat. Yeah. 101 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,880 And, you know, your scratchier, darker stuff... Which we love. 102 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,320 We love it down...right down to the bones. 103 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,080 Yeah. But it's not really rating for us right now. 104 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,480 I think... Look, what we're after is sort of more upbeat... 105 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,960 Yeah. Character-led story. 106 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,320 Warm, heart... Yeah. ..feelgood, really, 107 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,720 and we were kind of brainstorming, 108 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,600 and we think that there probably isn't a feelgood version 109 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,040 of honour killings. 110 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,400 Probably not. 111 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,160 No. But thank you very much for coming in. 112 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,280 We've connected now, so we can... 113 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,520 Look, we've got your details, so silver lining. 114 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,800 Always looking on the upside. 115 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,440 Actually, hang on... Lovely to meet you. 116 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,840 ..arranged marriages in modern, multicultural Britain. 117 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,520 Sorry, I wasn't listening. Sorry, I just... 118 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,680 I was just explaining that my childhood friend, 119 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,360 whose parents are from Pakistan... 120 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,760 Oh, he was born in Pakistan? Cool. No, he's born here. 121 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,880 But he lived literally next door to me. 122 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:47,960 We grew up together, 123 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,760 and he's just decided to have an arranged marriage. 124 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,040 I could follow him on his journey 125 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,040 to marry a stranger chosen by his parents. 126 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,640 What's he... What's he like? Well, he's great. 127 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,640 He's funny. Good-looking. Funny's good. 128 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,680 Really funny. 129 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:05,840 Kind. 130 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,720 You know, literally the last person you'd ever expect 131 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:09,800 to do something like this. 132 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,920 I could interview other British couples 133 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:16,280 who've also had arranged marriages. Um, older, younger, happy, unhappy. 134 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,800 Like in When Harry Met Sally. 135 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,120 Oh, um, don't you mean When Harry Was Forced To Meet Sally? 136 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,840 Right! Nice. 137 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:27,280 Well, this isn't a forced marriage, actually, this is his idea. 138 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,480 My Big Fat Arranged Wedding. 139 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,320 Instead of Greek, yeah. Oh, I love it. 140 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,320 You know, everyone thinks that arranged marriages 141 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,640 are some sort of medieval chattel swap, but actually, they've evolved 142 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,320 into what's called assisted marriage, 143 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,960 with the parents just suggesting 144 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,000 someone who they think would be a good match. Yeah, love that. 145 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,240 Absolutely love that, and I'm just thinking... 146 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,320 Meet The Parents...First. 147 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,280 THEY LAUGH 148 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,800 Because I thought Meet The Parents and then... Mmm. 149 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,520 I Hope She's A...Pretty Woman. 150 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,040 Love, Contractually. 151 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,040 I Love, Actually it. 152 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,680 Yeah, you've got eth - tick. Perfect. Female director. 153 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,080 Yes. Double tick. Yeah. 154 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,120 BOTH MEN: Huh. 155 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,320 Wow. 156 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,160 Are him and his family on board? 157 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,080 Totally. 158 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,840 Absolutely not. No. Come on, Kaz. 159 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,240 I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you. Out of the question, Zo. 160 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,720 Kaz, will you please just do this for me? 161 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,040 Zoe? Zoe. Please. I can't talk right now. 162 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,120 I don't know if you've heard, 163 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,160 but I'm an award-winning documentary film-maker. 164 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,080 Yeah, I did hear that, yeah. 165 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,800 So I mean, listen, aren't you proud to be a Muslim? 166 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,840 Of course I'm a proud Muslim. 167 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,920 Yeah, then wouldn't it be a good thing 168 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,080 to see someone like you on TV for once? 169 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,120 Don't extremist madmen make more entertaining TV? 170 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,640 No, it's important. 171 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,560 Come on, Kaz, please. We'll get to hang out. 172 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,880 We'll get to spend some time together. 173 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,120 It'll be fun. Like old times. Old times? 174 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,000 I just remember you and my sister constantly trying to shake me off. 175 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,160 Does that sound a bit weird? 176 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,960 SHE LAUGHS 177 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,400 Come on. Please. 178 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,360 Oh, God, Zoe, stop! 179 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,520 You owe me. I never told Auntie Aisha 180 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,720 what you got up to in that treehouse. 181 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:14,200 All right, what about this? We'll meet up, play a little table tennis. 182 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,840 And if you beat me, I'll think about it. 183 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,120 Yeah. Sounds good. No pressure. 184 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,640 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 185 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,840 It's been a while since I've played this. 186 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:27,920 Er, dare I ask...what about love? 187 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,240 You know what? It's just a different way of getting there. 188 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,560 You don't have to start with love. End with love, you know? 189 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:36,000 And over time, you grow to love the person you're with. 190 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,640 Hmm. What, like Stockholm syndrome? 191 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,240 You know my parents aren't making me do this, yeah? 192 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,120 No, I know, that's why I'm so surprised. 193 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,440 Do you know what the UK divorce rate is? No. 194 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,520 I found out. Er, 50%? 195 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,480 55%. 196 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,960 And guess what it is for arranged marriages? 6%. Boom! 197 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,040 The thing is, though, I've seen it work. 198 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,240 I want my kids to have what I had, stability. 199 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,760 Marriage isn't just about two people being in love. It's... 200 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,040 It's a bigger thing than that. 201 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,920 It's about what's best for children and the whole family, society. 202 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,120 Just say all that weird, old-fashioned, conventional shit 203 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840 on camera. You're so annoying. 204 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,920 If I win this rally, right... Yeah? 205 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,360 ..you're doing the film. Oh! 206 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,840 Ah! Oh, yes! God. 207 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,600 I know where we're going. I know, I know. 208 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,960 Just say it for the camera, and look in my eyes. 209 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,640 What, to you? Tell me. Give me two seconds. 210 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:27,720 It's literally just here. 211 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:33,640 And how is this any different from, say, dating apps? 212 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,560 Well, I guess you could say it's kind of like 213 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:39,360 a bespoke, 3D...halal Tinder, 214 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:40,600 operated by parents. 215 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,200 I'm Aisha Khan. 216 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,400 I'm the cultural consultant on this very positive documentary 217 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,720 on arranged marriage. OK. If you could just, um, ignore... 218 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,600 Hi, guys. Salaam alaikum. 219 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,040 Mo here, Mo the Matchmaker. 220 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,280 And if you're looking for a suitable match for your son, 221 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,920 then you've come to the right place. 222 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,560 We do daughters as well. 223 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,160 OK, just... You can just pretend I'm not here, sorry. 224 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:04,560 I'm invisible. Natural? Bring it down a little bit. Sure, OK. 225 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,400 So, platinum services. 226 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,480 They also include me checking out the girl's family, 227 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,280 seeing where she's from, a good family home, nice, tidy, clean. 228 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,520 OK, so, guys, tell me, what kind of lovely lady 229 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,000 are we looking for today? 230 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,240 Someone...intelligent and attractive and who I click with, I suppose. 231 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,040 People keep talking about this "click", you know. 232 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,440 He needs a companion, not a click. 233 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,560 OK, no, just someone who can tolerate my parents. 234 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,000 You know, a girl from the same background. 235 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,400 Soft spoken, long hair, not too dark. 236 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,080 Wheatish complexion at the most. Beige? 237 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,560 Did you bring your Pantone colour chart? 238 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:40,760 Be serious about this, OK? 239 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,080 Brother, have a look at these and tell me what you think. 240 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,440 No...photos? No, no photos yet, because think about it, 241 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,240 if she's too fit, then you won't know if she's a good fit, OK? 242 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,520 You're going to see the picture... "Yeah!" 243 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:52,640 You're thinking with your lullu. 244 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,360 You need to be thinking with your nunnu, OK? 245 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,480 So, religious observance, what do you think? 246 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,080 Do you want practising, moderately practising? Practising. 247 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,000 AISHA: Practising. Not too conservative. 248 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,960 OK, and beard or no beard? What? 249 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,920 Er...wrong list. 250 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,120 Sorry, give me that back. 251 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,800 Er, sorry. 252 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,800 Um, OK, and modesty. Are we talking hijab? Are we talking niqab? 253 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,920 Are we talking jilbab? Niqab is not necessary. 254 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,840 We are a modern family, after all. 255 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,280 OK, now, do we want a housewife kind of lady, 256 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,760 or do we want career lady? 257 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,600 Seriously, as long as we're on the same wavelength 258 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,160 and we have things in common... 259 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,960 But not too ambitious or too much into this, er, women's lib. 260 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,960 Aaho, aaho. And, er, community? PARENTS: Pakistani. 261 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,280 We're open to any background. But they just said Pakistan. 262 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,680 As long as she's Muslim. 263 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,960 But not Indian. 264 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,680 Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi, all these are OK. 265 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,080 Actually, it would be best if she is a, you know, 266 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,840 Jalandhar-KPK-Pathan mix. 267 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,160 This is getting kind of niche. 268 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,320 OK. And what, er, what's your education, bro? 269 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,840 Bachelors in biology, then medical school. 270 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,720 He's a doctor. Oof, listen, top of the food chain. Easy. 271 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,320 And any vices I should know about, 272 00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,200 any, uh, drinking, smoking, dogging, S&M, anything like that? None. 273 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,440 No, no. OK. Uncle, Auntie, I will find your son a brilliant match. 274 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,120 You don't worry about that. Thank you very much. 275 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,640 Thank you very much. No dogs, no pets. 276 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,160 No, no, dogging means something... Don't worry, don't worry. 277 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,480 Cats are OK. Cats? I'll write that down. 278 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,520 Cats. 279 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,400 We met on our wedding day. 280 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,280 My parents, you know, they showed me her photograph and I said, 281 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,640 "OK, it's fine." 282 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,120 My mother asked me, but I said, 283 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,800 "No, you choose, so later I can blame you." 284 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,640 Her father was deputy commissioner of the district, 285 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,360 and my father was a doctor in the same village. 286 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,680 They were friends, so they arranged the marriage. 287 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,200 I remember on the wedding, 288 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,440 we were sitting on the stage and the lights went out. 289 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,080 In Pakistan, there is an electricity problem. 290 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,880 And she got scared, 291 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,120 so I leaned over to her and said, "Don't worry, it's nothing." 292 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,040 Then I felt OK. 293 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,400 After that, it was simple sailing. 294 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,480 You know, when the lights came on, I felt he was looking at me. 295 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,200 She looked tip-top. 296 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,040 I thought to myself, 297 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,600 "They made a first-class choice." 298 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,200 MUSIC: Incapable by Roisin Murphy 299 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,000 # It's gone cold, it's horrible weather 300 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:28,280 # It's gone stone cold and you know we should have got it together... # 301 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,560 PHONE PINGS 302 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,200 # Well, it's nice 303 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,080 # It's nice to be wanted... # 304 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,160 KIDS: No! What's wrong with him? He looked nice. No. 305 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,200 Him, him, him. Stop. 306 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,320 He's hot enough that I'll overlook that inspirational quote. 307 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:47,320 "My mantra is..." No! 308 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:52,240 "..you have to endure the rain if you want to see the rainbow." 309 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,400 What does that mean? 310 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,040 It means I'll have to toss a Viagra in his mouth when he's talking. 311 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,800 DOORBELL RINGS 312 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,800 Daddy's home. 313 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,920 Yeah! Daddy! 314 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,560 What are you doing? 315 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,520 I thought the one upside to getting married 316 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,960 is that you get to let yourself go. 317 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,720 What's a Viagra? Yeah, what's a Viagra? 318 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,240 Auntie Zoe here, by any chance? 319 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,920 I'll go read to the kids so you can enjoy some alone time. 320 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,800 Shut up! Nothing inappropriate, please. 321 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:14,840 Never. 322 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,000 Come on, come here. 323 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,280 Once upon a time... 324 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,680 Oh, does he come and listen to me on my shoulder? 325 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,400 Ready? Yes. Oh! Come here. 326 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,920 Once upon a time, there was a girl and she met a frog. 327 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,400 And he promised her... 328 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:37,080 "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince. 329 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,160 "Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!" 330 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,600 And she said, "I'm not interested in fixing anyone but myself. 331 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:48,400 "And anyway, I'd far rather have a cool talking frog 332 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,280 "than a boring old prince." 333 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,400 That's not a good story. Do Cinderella. 334 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,320 All right, I'll do Cinderella 335 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,880 if you're in bed in five, four, three, two... 336 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,520 Once upon a time, Cinderella met a handsome prince. 337 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:07,000 And sometimes, kids, you meet someone and you know in a heartbeat 338 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,520 that you want to spend the rest of your life without them. 339 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,800 Once upon another time, Cinderella met another prince. 340 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,800 Because in fairy tales, a heroine is incomplete without one. 341 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,880 ..how well I've done out of everything. 342 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,000 And do you know what? You'd be bloody right, actually. 343 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,480 And another prince... 344 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,600 ..and he asked her to marry him. 345 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:38,080 And she said...no. 346 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:42,200 Cinderella focused on glass ceilings instead of glass slippers, 347 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,560 which means she focused on work and realised she was fine 348 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,840 without a boring old prince. 349 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:48,880 The end. 350 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,320 OVER MIC: One-two. 351 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,560 Assalaamu Alaikum, brothers and sisters, 352 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:03,160 welcome to this very, very special Muslim marriage event. 353 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,440 I go by the name of Mo the Matchmaker, 354 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,120 and I'm here to find you a match. 355 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,120 We are going to end the spinster crisis together, guys, come on. 356 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,760 There's someone out there for everyone, 357 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,400 and we all have needs - 358 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,800 divorcees, disabled people, women over 30. 359 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,120 OK, brothers, you may now approach 360 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,200 any sisters that you like the look of. 361 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,560 Good. Rotate. 362 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,840 Very nice. Oh, look at that chemistry. 363 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,160 We keep it halal. Keep it halal. 364 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,480 I want you to be honest with what you want. 365 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:33,840 You're not going to get what you want 366 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,000 if you don't say what you want. Guys, you want a good cook? 367 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,480 Say you want your Nigella. Girls, you want the money man? 368 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,200 Say, "I'm looking for my Elon Musk." 369 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,680 Use your best lines. 370 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,520 Now, we are going to form a circle of ten. 371 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,400 Five guys, five girls, chaperones at the back. 372 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,080 Come on, guys, let's do it! 373 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,440 Your parents are going to be so happy. Trust me. Sit down. 374 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,520 Come on, guys, I want you to be honest. 375 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,080 Is this your first time? 376 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,720 Mate, here, it's everyone's first time. 377 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,160 At least, that's what they'll tell you. 378 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,360 MO: Find your sugar puppy. 379 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,880 Boys, boys, boys, what's going on? 380 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,080 Why are you talking to each other? 381 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,680 There's girls here, OK? 382 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,760 Unless you want marriage outside of Islamic Sharia, 383 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,600 I suggest you stop talking to the same sex. All right, boys? Enjoy. 384 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,680 I'm looking for someone who has patience 385 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,360 and an understanding of culture. 386 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,520 Someone who's supportive and honest who likes to travel. 387 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,680 Well, just someone who's great. 388 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,840 Who's British enough for me and Pakistani enough for my family. 389 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,560 Um, someone down to earth with a sense of humour 390 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,720 who will encourage me in my religion. 391 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,160 Where are you from? Birmingham. How about you? 392 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,640 I'm from... I'm from London. 393 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,280 What do you do? I'm a banker. 394 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,160 What do you do? I'm a doctor. 395 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:55,080 Oh, Kaz, isn't this a massive, crazy gamble? 396 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,120 I mean... 397 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,920 What if there's no chemistry? 398 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,280 How are you even going to know 399 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,160 if you don't believe in sex before marriage, all of a sudden? 400 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,840 I'm not sure I believe in sex after marriage. 401 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,960 Most of my friends have no sex after marriage. 402 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,560 That's with the loves of their lives. 403 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,040 Fair point. 404 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,760 It's depressing. 405 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,440 But I think you can usually tell if the sex would work. 406 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,520 Do you want to go and get a drink? 407 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,560 A Bloody Mary for me and a virgin for you? 408 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,160 I've got lunch with my parents. It's Mother's Day. 409 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:37,600 Oh, shit. 410 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,200 I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah. 411 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:45,960 BOTH: Bye. 412 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,960 Hi, Zoe. Alaikum salaam, Auntie Aisha. 413 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,080 KAZ LAUGHS 414 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,360 What? She still can't say it. 415 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,720 Assalaamu Alaikum, Aisha! There you go. 416 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,200 That's exactly what I just said. 417 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,080 Happy Mother's Day! 418 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,520 I wish I could say the same to you. 419 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,760 I was just saying, I wish I could say the same to her. 420 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,360 Inshallah. Fat chance of that. 421 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,000 You know I cannot for the life of me find my other washing up glove, 422 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,000 and these are new. I've looked everywhere. 423 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,400 Gosh, hasn't Kassim got so good... where are you? Oh. 424 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,760 ..so good-looking. 425 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,760 It's hardly surprising, is it? Look at his mother. 426 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:32,040 I mean, she's so elegant she could be Greek, or Italian. 427 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,680 The compliment that's actually an insult. 428 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,000 You wouldn't think they were Muslims to look at them, would you? 429 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,520 I don't know, Mum. What do 1.8 billion Muslims all look like? 430 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,920 POT SIZZLES 431 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,360 Careful. Just...been very lucky to have them as neighbours. 432 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,840 Actually, they've become like family to me 433 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,920 since your father left for that teenaged whore. 434 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,200 She's 35. Exactly. 435 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,240 Oh, is that Grindr? 436 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,680 My hairdresser's never off that. Anyone we should meet? 437 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,800 No. 438 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,720 Oh, don't leave it too late. 439 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,800 Human eggs have a sell-by date, too, you know. 440 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,320 Oh, well, maybe I'll freeze them. 441 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,720 I could be a 90-year-old pushing a triple pram. 442 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,240 Well, that's no good to me, is it? 443 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,760 Because I'll be dead. 444 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,400 How's your egg? Looks a bit raw. 445 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,200 Mmm. 446 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,240 Oh, my God, Oh, my God! 447 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,160 My Marigold! 448 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,840 That's where it got to. 449 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,240 He eats your washing up gloves? He eats everything. 450 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,760 Oh, well at least now you can tell which way round he is. 451 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,480 Oh, God! 452 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,960 I'm ringing my lovely vet. 453 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,000 You're going to have to take him to James the vet for me tomorrow. 454 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,160 No. Why can't you take him? 455 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,800 Because it's my day visiting cancer patients at the Marsden. 456 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,000 Oh, no. I'm sorry. I can't, I can't, I've got a really important meeting. 457 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,520 It's the children's ward. 458 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,880 He'll be fine! 459 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,680 He's eaten my HRT patches as well. 460 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,240 He'll grow breasts. 461 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,200 You'll grow breasts, you silly dog. 462 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,480 It's not funny! 463 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,280 It is funny, actually. James, it's me. 464 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,920 I... It's the dog. 465 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,800 It's... I can't explain, but something's hanging out of him. 466 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,840 The wrong end. 467 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,960 This actually tastes all right. How's it going, then, bro? 468 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,160 Did you find your missus today? 469 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,560 Don't start. I knew you were going to start with me today, man. 470 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,080 Let me just enjoy my... Anyone good? 471 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,720 There was no-one I clicked with, you know. 472 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,480 Click and collect. 473 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,600 Yeah. 474 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,960 I mean, come on, there has to be a spark. 475 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,160 There wasn't even a flicker. 476 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,720 You know what I see? 477 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,720 Simmer first, then boil. 478 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,760 You all want to boil first, then simmer, and when it cools down, 479 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,920 you get disappointed and throw out the chai. 480 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,240 Yeah, well, simmer for too long, 481 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,360 you end up with a dry pot. 482 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,520 No-one likes a dry pot, bro. 483 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,160 Oi! He threw the thing at me. Tell him off. 484 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,800 The problem is, people have too many options. 485 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,400 The distant drums sound more exciting. 486 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:47,360 Did you tell him about the girl that Mo Bhai rang about, huh? 487 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,720 You know, there's a very nice girl in Lahore. 488 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,280 Convent-educated, excellent family. 489 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,960 Height is OK, 5 foot 2. 490 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,280 If she were five foot, I would hesitate. 491 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,760 Supposed to have a very good nature. 492 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,720 What am I going to have in common with someone from Pakistan? 493 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,600 Besides culture, religion, language, colour, family, genes? 494 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,200 Should I go on? Yeah, think about it. 495 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,640 And your surname will be the same. 496 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:12,440 Wait, she's a Khan? Passport, credit cards, no change. 497 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,360 But she's not a relation, right? 498 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,800 No, but nothing wrong with that, you know? 499 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,280 Victoria and Albert were first cousins. 500 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,240 And they had a museum named after them. Yeah, I know. 501 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,560 OK, listen, we are meeting the family over Skype this evening. 502 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,240 You see if you like her. 503 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,320 Please. 504 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,680 OK. Come on, bro. 505 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,880 Our parents both knew each other. They wanted us to meet. 506 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,680 But we were both like...no. No way. 507 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,760 OK! 508 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,280 Then I saw him at Rumi's Cave. 509 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,120 It's like this cultural centre. 510 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,960 And we were both part of the Muslim Archery Club. 511 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,800 But we never spoke. She was on Minder. 512 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,840 But he was on Muzmatch, so we were on different paths. 513 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,160 But we were on the same team for the Muslim Muggles Quiz. 514 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,360 It's for Harry Potter fans, looking at Islamic values in the series. 515 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,000 And we identified loads. 516 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,280 And we won! 517 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,440 BOTH: Team Hufflepuff. 518 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:12,400 So then after that we agreed to meet and I remember saying to myself, 519 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,200 you know, you wander from room to room sometimes 520 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,760 looking for the diamond that's already around your own neck. 521 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:19,800 Rumi. 522 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,480 SKYPE RINGTONE 523 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,800 Er, hi. Hi. 524 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,120 Maymouna. It's a very lovely name. 525 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,680 It's very beautiful. 526 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:45,720 Thank you. 527 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,280 Are you named after anyone in your family? 528 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,360 No. 529 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,720 I think my parents just liked it. 530 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,800 Great. That's... And you're studying law? 531 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:01,880 Yes. 532 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:06,720 Well, I thought about doing law, but then I didn't. 533 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,960 Do you have any siblings? 534 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:15,280 I have a brother who lives here with his wife, and a sister. 535 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,080 I have one brother and, um... 536 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:21,760 And... 537 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,240 My sister lives in northern areas. 538 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,760 Her husband is posted there. 539 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,160 The roof of the world. 540 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,040 That's my favourite place on Earth. 541 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,080 I haven't been there yet. 542 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:45,240 I remember the first time I went, um, my grandfather took me. 543 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,400 That was his favourite place as well. 544 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,880 And, um, I was just a little boy and I wandered off and got lost. 545 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,560 And it was weird. I... 546 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,200 I wasn't scared, it was... 547 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,400 It was, um, the first time I felt connected 548 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,280 to something bigger than myself, you know, bigger than my own fear. 549 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,480 And Grandfather gave me a tight slap when he found me. 550 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:05,520 HE LAUGHS 551 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,720 That's still the place I feel closest to God. 552 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,840 Definitely. 553 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,440 And to my grandfather. 554 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,680 How do you feel about possibly moving to London? 555 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,840 Um... She's fine with it. 556 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,000 She will love London. 557 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,040 It's a very multicultural place, full of Pakistanis. 558 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,760 IN URDU: 559 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,640 I'm sorry about this. This is my big brother, Farooq. 560 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:30,760 He gives me pocket money. 561 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,120 Don't mind her. 562 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,280 THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY 563 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:47,840 What's he been eating this time? 564 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,920 Mum's HRT patches and her washing up glove. 565 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,080 Last time, it was her pop socks. 566 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,520 Oh, God. He's like a fluffy Pac-Man. 567 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,040 Let's take a look at him, shall we? Mm. 568 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,120 If you could just hold him nice and still. OK. 569 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:04,280 Oh, Barney. There you go. Oh. I'm just going to... 570 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:05,560 DOG YELPS 571 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,920 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, does he come here often? 572 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,200 So often, I know all his deepest, darkest secrets. 573 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,600 And even...some of yours. No, I'm kidding. 574 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,840 I'm just... I'm kidding. 575 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,240 But your mum has told me all about you, though. 576 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:23,840 Oh, God. Film school in London, two documentaries 577 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,000 and a Radio Times Viewers and Listeners Award. 578 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,280 She gave you my actual CV. 579 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,760 And your complete works. 580 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,640 I'm so sorry. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to watch them yet, 581 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,480 but they do look really, really great. 582 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,280 Now, this guy is going to be just fine. 583 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,360 If he hasn't passed them by Friday, bring him back in. 584 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,920 We'll get him X-rayed. 585 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,360 OK. 586 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,760 Thanks. Come on, Barney. Silly dog. 587 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:44,920 Good to see you again, Barney. 588 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:49,240 And it's lovely to meet you, too, for the first time, Zoe. And you. 589 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:52,800 Look, if you ever felt like going out to get a drink or something, 590 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,080 you know, sometime, we could. Thank you. 591 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,640 I'm a bit snowed under with work at the moment. Yeah, sure. 592 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,240 Just because your mum said that you... But never mind. 593 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,600 Um, let me get the door for you. Yeah. 594 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,160 Thank you. Sorry about that. Ta-da! 595 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,440 I mean... Er, well, look after that guy. 596 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:10,600 I will. Thanks very much. 597 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,760 Let me know if your workload...eases. 598 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:16,160 # Happy birthday to you 599 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,200 # Happy birthday to you 600 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:18,440 # Happy birthday, dear Mum 601 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:21,000 # Happy birthday to you! # Thank you. 602 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,560 I can't actually talk right now because I'm about to, um... 603 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,760 I'm about to go and put some grand-eggs on ice 604 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,640 for your birthday present. 605 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,040 How exciting! Yes, so you can stop setting me up with total strangers. 606 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,560 That's the best birthday present ever. 607 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,120 Would you like them gift-wrapped? 608 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,440 Ha-ha! 609 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,560 Is there an express service? Oh, yeah. 610 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,720 Absolutely. Just come in here on your lunch break. 611 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,920 and then in your sixties, we defrost you a baby. 612 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:48,520 No. 613 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,160 No. 614 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,160 Egg harvest. 615 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,600 Yeah. Sounds festive, huh? 616 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,040 It's not. 617 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,280 Listen, how much do you want to be a mother? 618 00:27:58,280 --> 00:27:59,920 Well, I'd rather be a father. 619 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,400 Then you don't have to juggle everything. 620 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:02,440 Yeah. 621 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:04,760 No, I, um... 622 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,080 Of course I want to be a mother. 623 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,640 I just... You know, I want to find the right person, and not yet. 624 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,400 That's why I'm here. 625 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,160 Well, I keep seeing all these women in their fifties having babies, 626 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:20,960 so that's got to be frozen eggs, right? 627 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,040 Ah, the same women that have, like, really nice skin 628 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,040 and no eye bags because they use the right moisturiser? 629 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,520 Yeah, highly unlikely. 630 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,400 Do you know the success rate for frozen eggs? 631 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,440 PHONE BUZZES 632 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:32,960 Well, I know it's not a guarantee. 633 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,720 No. It's... 634 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:37,160 ..1%. 635 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:41,320 1% of frozen eggs result in a live birth. 636 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,880 Really? But much better odds for frozen embryos. 637 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,040 PHONE BUZZES AGAIN 638 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:50,280 OK, um, how do I freeze an embryo, then? 639 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,440 Just come in with a partner or, you know, pick a sperm donor, 640 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:57,160 or just find a nice gay friend. I don't have a partner. 641 00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:59,800 You know, I thought that was the whole point of this egg freezing 642 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,120 is that I don't have to put all my eggs in one bastard. 643 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,200 PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN 644 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:10,200 He texted me instead of her by mistake. 645 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,320 ZOE SIGHS WITH DISGUST 646 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:14,440 Who is she? 647 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,000 Someone in his office. 648 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,160 I should have known. 649 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,520 He kept not remembering her name. 650 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,120 FRONT DOOR UNLOCKS 651 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:26,640 Hang on. 652 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,320 What are you... Where are you going? 653 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:30,560 That's not him, is it? 654 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,520 Can you deal with the kids? 655 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:36,400 SHE SIGHS AGAIN 656 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:49,360 Once upon a time, there was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood. 657 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:53,600 She'd had a bad week, and all she wanted was to feel better... 658 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,200 ..or to feel nothing. 659 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,400 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 660 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,760 So when her mother warned her not to stray off that path 661 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:11,920 and talk to any strangers, 662 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,480 Little Red Riding Hood thought to herself, 663 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,280 "Where's the fun on a well-trodden path?" 664 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,920 And of course, she met a wolf. 665 00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:27,960 In an instant, all those bad feelings disappeared like magic. 666 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,360 "What's the worst that could happen?", 667 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,040 she thought to herself. 668 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,480 "So a bad boy wolf wants to eat me. 669 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:46,480 "A little nibble here and there can't hurt, can it?" 670 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,720 SHOWER RUNS IN BATHROOM 671 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,640 SHE GROANS 672 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,440 PHONE RINGS 673 00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:13,920 How was your hotel? 674 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,920 Yeah, yeah. 675 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:21,720 Mm-hmm. 676 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:26,800 Sorry. Yeah. I, um, I fell asleep with my phone on silent. 677 00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,480 Ooh! 678 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:01,520 Come on! 679 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,560 Man down! 680 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,120 All right, let's go. 681 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,640 You, over there. The wing. 682 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:07,680 You're on. 683 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:10,640 Oh! 684 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:11,840 Did you get the goal, at least? 685 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,760 No, I just got you going down like a skittle. 686 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:15,320 Great. 687 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:16,960 That looked painful. 688 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,120 Oh. Hang on, let me just get this mic on. 689 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,520 I've definitely pulled something. 690 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,200 So? 691 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:29,560 What was, er, what was so urgent? 692 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,240 I've got news. Yeah? 693 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,320 I'm, er, I got engaged. 694 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:39,920 Wait, what? Yeah, I know, it's crazy, right? 695 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,960 But we've been talking quite a lot, 696 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:46,280 and we've been texting and FaceTime, 697 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:48,120 and, er, we keep talking. 698 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,880 I really like her. 699 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,880 And the wedding's not for a whole 'nother month, so... 700 00:32:56,880 --> 00:32:58,160 A month? Yeah, I know. 701 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,400 My mum's already handed out sweets to the whole street. 702 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:03,760 It's love at first Skype. Well, obviously not, no. 703 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,080 Love at first anything's a mental health issue. 704 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,920 So, um, how old is she again? 705 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,120 Wilmore, check! Wilmore! 706 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:12,640 22. 707 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,600 Leaving the party early. 708 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:15,680 Not worried about the age gap? 709 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:17,760 I knew you were going to ask that. 710 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,240 No, she's super smart. 711 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,560 And you reckon that you have enough in common? 712 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,600 Well, we will have. She gets it. 713 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,120 She understands how it all works. 714 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:27,840 You know she wants to be a human rights lawyer? 715 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,800 Wow. 716 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,240 Sorry. 717 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:32,520 Just taking it all in. 718 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,920 So you really will be marrying a stranger? 719 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,280 I guess in the end, so is everyone else. 720 00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,400 I mean, everyone turns out to be someone else, 721 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,560 or fucking someone else. Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. 722 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,640 Can you turn the thing off? No, no, no, no. 723 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,640 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Zoe, off. 724 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:50,080 What's up? 725 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:57,720 Oh, sorry. 726 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,680 Oh, it's just been a challenging week. 727 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:03,960 What, another date with somebody you already hate? 728 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,080 SHE LAUGHS DRILY 729 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,400 What you need is a holiday. 730 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:13,440 Yeah. 731 00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:15,760 In Lahore. 732 00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:26,280 Oh, darling, just in time for a quick bite before we leave, great. 733 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:28,240 Oh, sorry. Eggs again? 734 00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:31,000 No, no, no, no. Omelettes. 735 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,440 Come on. Oh. 736 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:36,160 Now, in there is a little care package I've put together for us. 737 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,600 Just the basics - Imodium, Hobnobs, rape alarm. 738 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:42,680 Is Barney joining us? Don't be silly. Although, um... 739 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:44,720 No, James is coming to pick him up... 740 00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:46,800 DOORBELL BUZZES 741 00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:46,800 Oh, there he is. 742 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:51,520 I thought he might like to join us for a little, little lunch. James! 743 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,560 Hi. My favourite dog whisperer. 744 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,680 Oh, come in. Zoe, you remember James, don't you? 745 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,520 James delivered your pop socks. Hi! 746 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:01,720 Talking of which... 747 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:02,920 So, how have you been? 748 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:04,360 Oh, you know, saving lives. 749 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:09,040 Gerbil, a cat, octogenarian tortoise who's making a slow recovery. 750 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,760 CATH WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER 751 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,200 Sorry. That's funny! 752 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,880 He's always so funny. Why don't you just sit and have a chat 753 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:17,920 while I cook the toast? Sure. 754 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,520 So you're off to a fancy wedding in Pakistan, I hear. 755 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,760 Yeah. I've never missed a Khan wedding 756 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,200 and I can't wait to wear a burkini on the subcontinent. 757 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,360 Wow. Except for Lahore is nowhere near the sea. 758 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,080 Well, you never know where we might end up. 759 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,840 And when we come back, we should have dinner with James, 760 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,400 and we'll get Helena and Harry over here. 761 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:36,440 Helena is Zoe's very good friend. 762 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,400 She's married to a lovely man called Harry. 763 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,200 Who's been having an affair. Harry? 764 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,040 Yes. No. Yes. I can't believe it. 765 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,920 I'm pretty sure most married men would cheat 766 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:45,240 if they could get away with it. 767 00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:46,360 James wouldn't. 768 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,240 Well, even if you're sure your wife would never know? 769 00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,560 No, of course not. 770 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:53,920 Why not? 771 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:54,960 Because I'd know. 772 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,920 Bon appetit. Mm. 773 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:04,280 DOORBELL BUZZES AGAIN 774 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:05,560 Oh. 775 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:06,880 Um... So, um... 776 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,720 Oh, hello, darling. You're early. 777 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:11,960 Why are you so early? The flight doesn't leave for hours. 778 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,400 No, I know. We just need to allow extra time for security. 779 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:18,000 Why? So I can be randomly selected. 780 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,240 Oh. Oh, oh. 781 00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:22,760 Well, that's a shame. 782 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:25,800 James was about to tell us something absolutely hilarious. 783 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,240 Look who's here. 784 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,000 He says we've got to go. 785 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,720 Sorry, Mum, that your enormous efforts have gone to waste, 786 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:34,720 but, you know, we've got a plane to catch. 787 00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:36,840 Kaz, the doctor. Hi. Hi. 788 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:37,920 Meet James, the vet. 789 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,320 I've heard all about you. 790 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,160 Good luck with the wedding. Thank you. Oh, Barney, Barney. 791 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,160 Mummy go shopping. Mummy go shopping. 792 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:45,600 Don't tell Barney that I'm off to Lahore 793 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,720 because he'll get... Shopping, shopping. 794 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:49,320 Stay, shopping. Stay, stay. 795 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,320 Oh, let me help you with the cases. No, I'll get them. 796 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,480 Well, I'm looking forward to hearing how it all goes. 797 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,400 Yeah. You too. Great. Well... 798 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:57,640 Ooh. I mean, thanks. 799 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,000 Bye! Bye. 800 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,960 Oh, James. 801 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,760 I am so sorry that we've got to go, but... 802 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,960 Oh, well, I'll FaceTime you both from Pakistan. 803 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,200 Or, or... 804 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,920 ...cover my FaceTime. 805 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:14,040 SHE LAUGHS 806 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:15,160 You set me off! 807 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,680 You have to keep that. You might want to go shopping. Bye! 808 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,000 Bye, bye. Eat the omelettes. 809 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,280 OK. Yep. 810 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:23,320 Bye! Bye! 811 00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:28,200 Barney? 812 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,920 And this is her in the nativity play. 813 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,200 No, you probably don't know what that is, 814 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:40,880 but I'll explain that later. 815 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:53,560 You all right? 816 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:56,840 It's thought field therapy. 817 00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,720 It's, uh, a technique. 818 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,840 I don't like flying. 819 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:04,560 Oh! I'm so sorry, sir. 820 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:08,200 Even the lingo is morbid. 821 00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:12,480 It's "Final destination", "departed"... 822 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:13,920 Or terminal. 823 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:16,760 Some nuts. Thank you. 824 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:17,840 You're welcome. 825 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,160 Who was the guy at your mum's house? 826 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:23,200 Mm. 827 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,680 If I were Pakistani, he be my arranged husband. 828 00:38:28,240 --> 00:38:30,960 Sounds ideal. Except that he's not my type. 829 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:33,400 What is your type? 830 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,560 Oh... What, except wrong? 831 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,840 Yeah. Um... 832 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,840 Don't know. Mm. 833 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:45,760 Can I ask you a question? 834 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,560 Would you cheat if you knew you'd never get caught? 835 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,080 Be honest. If your wife would never know. 836 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,000 No. 837 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,040 Why not? 838 00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:00,720 Well, He'd know. 839 00:39:00,720 --> 00:39:01,760 SUDDEN JOLT 840 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:06,960 He's listening! 841 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:14,560 MUSIC: Nachho Gaao by Nitin Sawhney 842 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:22,840 Aren't they desperately uncomfortable 843 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,480 covered up like that in this heat except for their eyes? 844 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:27,000 No, not as uncomfortable 845 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,440 as those poor women who are uncovered except for their eyes, 846 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:31,960 like on Love Island. You see, Cath, 847 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,400 our women are valued for what's on the inside, 848 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,800 which is why we don't have plastic surgery and anorexia 849 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,400 and all these Western diseases. 850 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:43,480 Well, I suppose a burqa's wonderfully forgiving, isn't it? 851 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:46,840 A rupee for your thoughts? 852 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,840 CATH: What a beautiful hall! 853 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:19,120 You know, this has caused me the greatest pain in my life. 854 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,840 And that of your grandmother, too. 855 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,880 There's nothing we can do about it. OK. 856 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:31,760 I'm so proud of you. 857 00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:34,840 Let's not spoil this happy occasion. 858 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:36,560 They met on their wedding day. 859 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,960 He came to her village on a white horse 860 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,240 to take her away from her home. 861 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:44,040 SHE SPEAKS URDU 862 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,120 Like a charming prince. 863 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,600 SHE CONTINUES IN URDU 864 00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:52,160 And they rode off together. 865 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,760 And did they fall in love? 866 00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,400 SHE REPLIES IN URDU 867 00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,360 You know, we always say 868 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:04,520 it is better to fall into like, 869 00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:06,600 and walk into love. 870 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:09,960 SHE COMMENTS IN URDU 871 00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,000 It was a good match. 872 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,280 Achi joriti. 873 00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,360 Assalaamu Alaikum! Wa Alaikum Assalaam. 874 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:27,800 Assalaamu Alaikum... 875 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,520 Assalaamu Alaikum. Wa Alaikum Assalaam. 876 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,000 Assalaamu Alaikum. 877 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:45,560 Assalaamu Alaikum. 878 00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,520 Assalaamu Alaikum. 879 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:56,000 Wa Alaikum Assalaam. 880 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:57,640 TRANSLATION FROM URDU: 881 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:00,720 Alhamdulillah. 882 00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:01,880 Thank you. 883 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,560 Pleased to meet you in person finally. 884 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,000 Thank you. 885 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,080 How are your studies going? 886 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,880 Good. 887 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,440 Good. 888 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,000 Erm, I was thinking we could maybe... 889 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:23,120 ..do something together this evening. 890 00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:54,720 We met on Skype. 891 00:42:54,720 --> 00:42:56,920 Erm... 892 00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:58,640 I thought she was... 893 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:00,640 ..you know, attractive, obviously. 894 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:03,040 Intelligent. Full of life. Erm... 895 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,720 I don't know what you thought of me. 896 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:11,400 I thought he seemed nice and reasonable. 897 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:15,280 Hm. Great. Erm... 898 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:17,240 Can you tell me... 899 00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:19,640 How... How did you propose? 900 00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:21,560 Erm... 901 00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:26,120 Well, actually, my parents proposed to her parents. 902 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:34,320 It must have been daunting for you, Maymouna, 903 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,920 deciding whether to spend the rest of your life 904 00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,000 with someone you hardly know? 905 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,200 Mm. 906 00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,400 If my parents are comfortable with their decision 907 00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:44,760 I'm OK with it. 908 00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:46,440 And we talked a lot on the phone 909 00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:49,880 and, you know, got to know each other. 910 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:52,680 Can you sum up how you both feel? 911 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:57,200 Good. It feels like the timing is right. 912 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,120 And... 913 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:04,240 ..can you see yourselves falling in love? 914 00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,960 Yes. Inshallah. 915 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,760 Whatever "in love" means. 916 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:13,680 Hm. 917 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,040 CALL TO PRAYER 918 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:31,720 Do you remember me from when you were a kid? 919 00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:33,640 Yes. Wow. Funny. Hey, morning. 920 00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:35,080 Where are you going? 921 00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:36,880 You haven't even had breakfast. 922 00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:38,240 I need to go to the tailor, 923 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:40,360 then I was going to take Zoe to Anarkali Bazaar. 924 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:42,600 You're going to love it. It's a... I can't wait. ..massive bazaar, 925 00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,640 named after a beautiful dancing girl. 926 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,040 Who was buried alive by Emperor Akbar 927 00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:49,840 because she was an unsuitable match for his son. 928 00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:54,000 SHE SIGHS 929 00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:54,000 I'll see you later. 930 00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:58,480 Yasmin, take this for Nani Jan. 931 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,280 MUSIC 932 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:26,480 I can't believe you said, "Whatever love means." 933 00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:29,720 Huh? That's what Prince Charles famously said 934 00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:32,000 when he got engaged to Diana. 935 00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:34,040 I thought that sounded familiar. 936 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,040 They basically had an arranged marriage. 937 00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:37,280 Yeah. 938 00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:38,560 That worked out really well. 939 00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:41,440 Princess Diana wanted to marry a Pakistani man. 940 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,440 Dr Hasnat Khan. 941 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:45,920 Dr Khan. 942 00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,320 Mother said no. 943 00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:48,520 What happened to him? 944 00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:50,720 He had an arranged marriage. 945 00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:53,160 Lived happily enough ever after? 946 00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:55,040 He got divorced. 947 00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:57,200 He'd become too much western. 948 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:08,400 OK, question. 949 00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:11,720 What did you think of her, in real life? 950 00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:14,840 She's great. Yeah, but, erm... 951 00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:16,520 ..did you fancy her? 952 00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:19,320 Zoe, please, don't say that on camera. Come on. 953 00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:21,160 So annoying! Fine. 954 00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:24,760 And are you nervous about the Mehndi tonight? 955 00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:26,680 Actually, just tell me what that is. 956 00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:31,160 Well, in Pakistan, we really like to draw out the wedding celebrations. 957 00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:33,960 It's over... Well, it's over three days. 958 00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:35,000 Ah... 959 00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,080 And first is the Mehndi, which is tonight. 960 00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:38,720 And, ah... 961 00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,560 Kind of like a stag and a hen, rolled into one. 962 00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:43,600 Except your grandparents are there, which is lovely. 963 00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:47,160 And the groom isn't stripped naked and tied to a lamppost. 964 00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:50,880 And then the next day is the Nikah, which... That's the actual marriage. 965 00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:53,760 And the Shaadi, then the Walima. 966 00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:56,720 But the main thing is you have to look like you haven't enjoyed 967 00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,320 your first night together. 968 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,600 What if you haven't enjoyed your first night together? 969 00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:04,720 No comment? 970 00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:06,000 No comment. 971 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,800 Can we go in? 972 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,800 SHE LAUGHS 973 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:09,720 Oh! My mum would love this. 974 00:47:09,720 --> 00:47:11,200 Can I film in here? 975 00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,000 Assalaamu Alaikum. 976 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,760 Wa Alaikum Assalaamu. 977 00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:19,280 Afghanistan se hay. 978 00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:21,880 It's beautiful. 979 00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:23,000 How much is it? 980 00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:24,120 HE ANSWERS IN URDU 981 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:25,320 15,000. Hmm. 982 00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,560 THEY SPEAK URDU 983 00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:33,640 Yeah? Give me 10,000. 984 00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:35,280 Yeah. 985 00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:36,520 Thank you. 986 00:47:39,720 --> 00:47:41,240 Thanks, Kaz. 987 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:45,360 You know, 988 00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:46,800 all that stuff... 989 00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:51,000 ..passion and chemistry, 990 00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:52,920 whatever you want to call it... 991 00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:56,240 ..it's not the most important thing. 992 00:47:57,640 --> 00:47:59,160 It doesn't last anyway. 993 00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:16,520 It's amazing. 994 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,440 WAITER SPEAKS URDU 995 00:48:18,440 --> 00:48:19,680 He thinks you're my wife. 996 00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:21,760 Mera dost hay. 997 00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:24,040 I'm saying you're just a friend. Ah. 998 00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:26,080 Just friends. 999 00:48:26,080 --> 00:48:27,960 I was your first kiss too. 1000 00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,280 In the treehouse! 1001 00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,040 Shukriya. 1002 00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,120 I can't believe you've forgotten. 1003 00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:43,480 Shukriya. 1004 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:48,160 Kaz? 1005 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,000 Mm-hm? 1006 00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,960 What was that row with your mum about? 1007 00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:00,880 Just about Jamila coming to the wedding. 1008 00:49:00,880 --> 00:49:03,600 Why is what she did so bad? 1009 00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:05,960 A Muslim woman isn't supposed to marry a non-Muslim guy. 1010 00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:08,440 It's haram. I know... She ran off with this guy. 1011 00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:11,160 It broke my grandfather's heart, literally. 1012 00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:13,040 He died a week later. 1013 00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,440 Don't blame that on her. 1014 00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:17,600 She didn't come to the funeral. Why not? 1015 00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:22,080 She wanted him, David, to be welcome too. 1016 00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:23,680 Can I film you saying this stuff? 1017 00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:26,440 No. Please, Kaz. I can't just show what you want me to show - 1018 00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:30,080 if it's not truthful, it just won't have any value. Please. 1019 00:49:30,080 --> 00:49:31,280 OK, I'm sorry. 1020 00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,280 You know they've had a baby? 1021 00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:36,000 My mum's first grandchild, who she's never even met. 1022 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,600 All this unhappiness. 1023 00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:38,840 All she did was fall in love. 1024 00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:41,320 No, that's not all she did, Zoe. She chose love over family. 1025 00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,320 But isn't that the whole point of marriage? 1026 00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:45,280 There are some things I don't expect you to understand. 1027 00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,560 Kaz, can you explain to me how it's so different, 1028 00:49:47,560 --> 00:49:49,400 even though we grew up on the same street? 1029 00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:50,920 How are we different? Yes. 1030 00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:52,600 Are you serious? Please. 1031 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:55,960 OK. 1032 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:57,800 For a start, you don't get asked every week 1033 00:49:57,800 --> 00:50:00,040 where you're from originally, or how often you go back to Pakistan. 1034 00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,120 You're British. I'm British-born, which we all know is 1035 00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:03,680 just code for non-white. 1036 00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:05,360 Brit-ish, you know? 1037 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,040 And you're not expected to apologise profoundly on behalf of 1038 00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:11,240 all brown people every time there's a terror attack anywhere 1039 00:50:11,240 --> 00:50:12,520 in the world. 1040 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:18,800 There was an entire continent between number 49 and 47, Zoe. 1041 00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,040 Isn't that why you're making the film? 1042 00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:25,560 CALL TO PRAYER 1043 00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:29,320 I have to pray. 1044 00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:30,400 I'll be back. 1045 00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:50,960 Huh... 1046 00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:52,480 MESSAGE ALERT 1047 00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,960 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1048 00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:22,720 LAUGHTER 1049 00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:34,720 Zoe? 1050 00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:36,280 Zoe? 1051 00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:38,120 You're in the bride's way. 1052 00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:02,080 You look very beautiful. 1053 00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,240 Hmm. Thank you. 1054 00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:08,640 Hi. 1055 00:53:11,080 --> 00:53:12,720 Hi. Hi. 1056 00:53:12,720 --> 00:53:15,560 TRANSLATION FROM URDU: 1057 00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:17,200 This is Pucci. 1058 00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:18,400 Baby. 1059 00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:21,480 And that's Mousey, 1060 00:53:21,480 --> 00:53:23,680 Toffee and Pinky. 1061 00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,640 Nani Jan, please, don't leave, not yet. 1062 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:32,320 It's... Let her leave. 1063 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,400 When dinosaurs leave, at least we all can relax. 1064 00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:43,560 MUSIC: Mahi Sona (The Wedding Song) by Nitin Sawhney 1065 00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:34,920 Sorry about this. 1066 00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:36,760 Chalo. Jalti hai. 1067 00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:39,000 Not too much smiling, huh? 1068 00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:44,040 Now the party starts. 1069 00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:50,040 MUSIC: Let Them Know by Mabel 1070 00:54:50,040 --> 00:54:51,720 # Body shape, Coca-Cola 1071 00:54:51,720 --> 00:54:53,640 # I got a new man in my business 1072 00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:55,440 # And he all about his business 1073 00:54:55,440 --> 00:54:57,840 # And his name ain't none of your business 1074 00:54:57,840 --> 00:54:59,400 # Oh, oh, oh 1075 00:54:59,400 --> 00:55:00,640 # Let them know 1076 00:55:00,640 --> 00:55:02,480 # Oh, baby, let them know 1077 00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,160 # Cos they can run they mouth 1078 00:55:04,160 --> 00:55:06,200 # But I'ma stand and pose for you... # 1079 00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:08,040 There's something in that. What's in that? 1080 00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:09,560 It's Coke Masala. Masala? 1081 00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:13,000 It's really good. It's so good. 1082 00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:14,560 Whisky! 1083 00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:16,360 Oh, my God! 1084 00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:19,440 # Rolls-Royce, screeching 1085 00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:21,160 # Rolex, gleaming 1086 00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:22,480 # Let them know 1087 00:55:22,480 --> 00:55:24,240 # Oh, baby, let them know 1088 00:55:24,240 --> 00:55:26,320 # Cos they can run they mouth... # 1089 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:31,120 MUSIC: Secrets by Regard & RAYE 1090 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,880 # I don't know 'bout you, 'bout you... # 1091 00:55:33,880 --> 00:55:35,760 Have you seen Maymouna? 1092 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,160 I think she's... There she is. 1093 00:55:39,840 --> 00:55:42,000 And, she's blonde. 1094 00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:43,920 Kaz, come! 1095 00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:54,680 Kaz, you...you still haven't met my friend, Taqi. 1096 00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:57,520 Ah! Lahore's hair king. Eh, queen, darling. 1097 00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,400 And don't the honeymoon highlights look fabulous? 1098 00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:05,480 Amazing. Nice to meet you. Hi. How are you? Hi, how are you? 1099 00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:09,320 He means, how high are you? 1100 00:56:10,640 --> 00:56:13,960 Sorry, this is my friend, Zoe. We're friends from London. Hi! 1101 00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:17,120 You want a J? Oh! No, no, thanks. 1102 00:56:17,120 --> 00:56:20,080 Take one. Taqi brings all the treats to the party. 1103 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:23,200 Always. Darling, I'm only following the rules. 1104 00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:25,560 The Koran says if a man lies with another man, 1105 00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:27,320 he should be stoned. 1106 00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:31,960 Marry tomorrow. Sin tonight? 1107 00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:33,840 I'm good, thank you. 1108 00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:37,440 Oh, my God. I hope I'm not going to be calling you Chachu! 1109 00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:40,560 What's Chachu? It means uncle. 1110 00:56:40,560 --> 00:56:45,640 I thought that you'd all be more modern, living in London and all. 1111 00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:49,000 You know? But I mean, hello? 1112 00:56:51,400 --> 00:56:53,240 Oh, finally! 1113 00:57:01,200 --> 00:57:04,840 Oh! Let's, let's dance! Are you coming? 1114 00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:07,280 Not right now. You guys go, have fun. 1115 00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:12,720 I think I'm going to just... Do you want? 1116 00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:16,600 Uh, no, I'm going to go and... Nice to meet you. Bye! 1117 00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:34,720 She likes partying. 1118 00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:41,320 Yeah. 1119 00:57:46,320 --> 00:57:48,200 Not exactly what my parents had in mind. 1120 00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,200 Come on, let's go. 1121 00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:16,200 Are you OK? Just tired. 1122 00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:20,760 You're sure it's OK to leave your own Mehndi? 1123 00:58:20,760 --> 00:58:22,560 No-one's going to notice. Trust me. 1124 00:58:23,920 --> 00:58:25,520 Chachu. 1125 00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:31,240 One sec. 1126 00:58:36,760 --> 00:58:39,720 Oh, wow! I want to show you something. 1127 00:58:39,720 --> 00:58:42,000 Come, come. What?! 1128 00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:56,200 SUFI MUSIC PLAYS 1129 00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:57,480 Sufi music. 1130 00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:02,880 No, no, no. Just listen, just listen. He's... 1131 00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:04,760 ..singing to God. 1132 00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:10,400 Singing about a... 1133 00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:15,040 ..dangerous love, keeps him awake at night. 1134 00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,280 You see? 1135 00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:37,520 He's going mad. 1136 00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:45,640 Tells us how love is a dangerous mental illness. 1137 01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:34,960 Bye. 1138 01:00:46,800 --> 01:00:48,120 What? 1139 01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:51,720 I didn't forget it. 1140 01:00:54,800 --> 01:00:56,840 The treehouse. 1141 01:02:07,360 --> 01:02:08,400 SHE SIGHS 1142 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,640 If it wasn't for Islam, there would have been no Reformation, 1143 01:02:20,640 --> 01:02:23,040 no Renaissance... Hi. ..no toothbrushes. 1144 01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:27,520 Hey. Hello, everyone. That was a hoot, wasn't it? 1145 01:02:27,520 --> 01:02:30,120 Have something to eat? Fine! 1146 01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:34,480 Where did you all go? I was perfecting my Hollywood, Dollywood, 1147 01:02:34,480 --> 01:02:36,800 Bollywood thingies, 1148 01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:38,880 and I turned around and you'd all disappeared. 1149 01:02:38,880 --> 01:02:42,480 What else did Muslims invent, huh? Algorithms. Bicycles. Coffee. 1150 01:02:42,480 --> 01:02:46,080 Algebra. Chickens? No, that's... Chicken korma? 1151 01:02:46,080 --> 01:02:50,240 The first flying machine! Yes! Much better. Well done. 1152 01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:53,680 I could do without algorithms myself. 1153 01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:57,480 The bride didn't join the dancing last night. 1154 01:02:57,480 --> 01:03:00,320 Oh, we... No, you... 1155 01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:02,400 No, she didn't. 1156 01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:05,040 I did, obviously. You enjoyed yourself. 1157 01:03:05,040 --> 01:03:06,840 I did. I did. 1158 01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:11,280 Um, do you think we can talk? 5pm sharp for the Nikah, everybody, OK? 1159 01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:14,560 No, on camera, I mean. 1160 01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:16,040 Right. 1161 01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:17,440 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 1162 01:03:22,080 --> 01:03:25,280 You're getting married in a few hours. 1163 01:03:25,280 --> 01:03:27,120 Yeah. 1164 01:03:27,120 --> 01:03:30,920 How are you feeling? I'm feeling fine. 1165 01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:33,560 No pre-wedding nerves or...? 1166 01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:34,800 No. 1167 01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,040 All good. 1168 01:03:47,520 --> 01:03:49,760 You're still fully signed up to this? 1169 01:03:51,440 --> 01:03:52,600 Yes. 1170 01:03:58,160 --> 01:03:59,680 And this is what you want? 1171 01:04:01,200 --> 01:04:02,680 Yes. This is what I want. 1172 01:04:14,760 --> 01:04:15,920 So, you... 1173 01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:19,880 ..got everything you need? 1174 01:04:19,880 --> 01:04:21,240 Kaz, this is mad. 1175 01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:25,440 What's mad? What? Just, um... 1176 01:04:27,160 --> 01:04:29,600 I just... I feel like everyone's pretending. 1177 01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:32,320 Well, who's pretending? Er...everyone! 1178 01:04:33,320 --> 01:04:36,560 Well, just you're pretending Jamila doesn't exist, 1179 01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:38,840 er...pretending Maymouna doesn't dance, 1180 01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:40,360 pretending no-one has sex. 1181 01:04:40,360 --> 01:04:42,600 Kaz, you're 32 years old 1182 01:04:42,600 --> 01:04:44,440 and your parents don't even know you smoke. 1183 01:04:44,440 --> 01:04:46,920 Oh, my God, I told you before - that's about respect, Zoe. 1184 01:04:46,920 --> 01:04:49,040 This is not a veil on your sins. 1185 01:04:49,040 --> 01:04:52,880 This is a bloody great burqa shrouding your whole identity. 1186 01:04:55,160 --> 01:04:56,440 What do you want? 1187 01:04:56,440 --> 01:04:59,600 I don't want you to marry someone you don't love. 1188 01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:01,880 Life's too short... 1189 01:05:03,240 --> 01:05:05,880 ..and too long to marry the wrong person. 1190 01:05:05,880 --> 01:05:08,240 What do you want for you? Yeah, well, this isn't about me. 1191 01:05:08,240 --> 01:05:09,520 Don't worry about me. I'm fine. 1192 01:05:09,520 --> 01:05:11,120 I mean, you keep questioning my decisions. 1193 01:05:11,120 --> 01:05:12,840 Maybe you should focus on your own choices. 1194 01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:14,000 What is that supposed to mean? 1195 01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,880 Maybe the reason you haven't got anyone to watch a TV series with 1196 01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:19,280 is that you actively search out anyone who is wrong. 1197 01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:22,280 Oh, my God. This is bullshit. No, it's not bullshit, Zoe. 1198 01:05:22,280 --> 01:05:24,000 A man could be wearing a literal red flag, 1199 01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:26,480 and you'd think it was a sexy colour on him. 1200 01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:28,840 If the first person you date is a dick, you're unlucky. 1201 01:05:28,840 --> 01:05:31,480 If the next ten people you date are dicks, 1202 01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:33,640 then maybe you need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror 1203 01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:35,000 and ask yourself why. 1204 01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:44,000 Have you got any more profound psychological insights? 1205 01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:45,360 I have a question. 1206 01:05:46,840 --> 01:05:49,360 Does it hurt less when you aim low and miss? 1207 01:05:55,560 --> 01:05:56,880 Huh. 1208 01:06:12,720 --> 01:06:13,760 HE SIGHS 1209 01:06:37,960 --> 01:06:43,360 MUSIC: The Ceremony by Nitin Sawhney 1210 01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:00,760 Agreed. 1211 01:08:22,080 --> 01:08:24,800 All Pakistani brides always cry as they leave the family - 1212 01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:26,320 it's a tradition. 1213 01:08:27,680 --> 01:08:29,880 It's gorgeous! Mwah! 1214 01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:46,600 Can we have Beauty And The Beast? Yes, please. 1215 01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:49,160 Yeah, of course you can. 1216 01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:53,040 Come on, then. Coming! 1217 01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:53,040 THEY LAUGH 1218 01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:55,560 Ah! Beauty And The Beast. 1219 01:08:56,800 --> 01:09:01,600 Well, Beast had his faults, but persistence pays off. 1220 01:09:01,600 --> 01:09:04,560 He didn't actually lock Beauty in his cellar. 1221 01:09:04,560 --> 01:09:07,960 That's just what a relationship felt like to Beauty. 1222 01:09:07,960 --> 01:09:11,840 Over time, Beauty grew to enjoy Beast's company. 1223 01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:15,040 You know, he was dependable and available, 1224 01:09:15,040 --> 01:09:18,240 and there's a lot to be said for those qualities. 1225 01:09:18,240 --> 01:09:20,080 Was the Beast her dream hunk? 1226 01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:21,120 No. 1227 01:09:21,120 --> 01:09:22,960 Did he sweep her off her feet? 1228 01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:24,000 No. 1229 01:09:24,000 --> 01:09:25,760 Did he take her breath away? 1230 01:09:25,760 --> 01:09:27,000 Perhaps not. 1231 01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:30,800 But Beauty had learned that it's better to simmer THEN boil. 1232 01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:34,800 Do you not have to be a vegan to, you know, do your job? To be a vet? 1233 01:09:34,800 --> 01:09:36,480 No, actually, normally I'm only allowed to eat 1234 01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:38,400 the animals I put down. 1235 01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:40,360 I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. 1236 01:09:40,360 --> 01:09:42,640 THEY LAUGH 1237 01:09:42,640 --> 01:09:44,200 PHONE CHIMES 1238 01:09:44,200 --> 01:09:46,800 Ah... So close to the phone. 1239 01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:53,520 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 1240 01:09:54,760 --> 01:09:56,320 Right. Does anyone want any more? 1241 01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:59,160 ZOE SIGHS 1242 01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:59,160 What the Beast was, kids, 1243 01:09:59,160 --> 01:10:01,880 was good enough. Ha! 1244 01:10:01,880 --> 01:10:05,840 And sometimes good enough is... 1245 01:10:05,840 --> 01:10:08,280 TOGETHER: ..good enough. 1246 01:10:08,280 --> 01:10:11,080 And she was in love with the Beast. 1247 01:10:11,080 --> 01:10:13,440 She was "in like" with him. 1248 01:10:13,440 --> 01:10:15,080 What do you mean "in like"? 1249 01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:17,600 In like with him, which is way more important. 1250 01:10:19,640 --> 01:10:20,960 OK, good. 1251 01:10:20,960 --> 01:10:23,160 Good turnout. Buzzy vibe. Yeah. 1252 01:10:23,160 --> 01:10:26,360 Oh. Hey. Zoe. Great crowd. Mm. 1253 01:10:26,360 --> 01:10:29,200 Yeah. Diverse. Tick. 1254 01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:31,560 Oh. Grey pound. Tick. 1255 01:10:31,560 --> 01:10:32,960 This is my mum, actually. 1256 01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:35,760 Mum, this is Olly and Sam, who commissioned the film. 1257 01:10:35,760 --> 01:10:38,080 Oh! Important. Well... 1258 01:10:38,080 --> 01:10:40,640 So nice to meet you. Yes, you too. Am I in it? 1259 01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:42,640 Ah, you'll have to wait and see. 1260 01:10:42,640 --> 01:10:44,120 Yeah. Ah. 1261 01:10:44,120 --> 01:10:46,240 Oh, that's James. This is Zoe's boyfriend. 1262 01:10:46,240 --> 01:10:48,320 He's saintly and he's a top vet, aren't you? 1263 01:10:48,320 --> 01:10:50,000 Oh, well, I don't know about that. 1264 01:10:50,000 --> 01:10:53,120 "Britain's Top Vet"? Here we go. Here they come, here they come. 1265 01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:55,360 Leading vets compete in a range of medical challenges. 1266 01:10:55,360 --> 01:10:58,480 Excuse me. Excuse me. You could have my Barney in it. My dog. 1267 01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:01,960 Hi. Hi. 1268 01:11:03,360 --> 01:11:04,480 How are you? 1269 01:11:05,840 --> 01:11:07,600 Good. 1270 01:11:07,600 --> 01:11:09,800 How...how's married life? 1271 01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,120 Getting settled. It's... 1272 01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,160 Mm-hm. 1273 01:11:14,600 --> 01:11:16,600 Heard you'd met someone? Kind of. Um... 1274 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:19,840 Oh, yeah. My mum did. 1275 01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:23,280 I followed your example. So, yeah - not a dick. 1276 01:11:24,600 --> 01:11:25,680 Result. 1277 01:11:28,040 --> 01:11:29,760 Are you happy? 1278 01:11:29,760 --> 01:11:30,920 Mm-hm. 1279 01:11:32,240 --> 01:11:33,560 You? 1280 01:11:33,560 --> 01:11:35,200 Yeah, I'm...I'm getting there. 1281 01:11:36,800 --> 01:11:37,960 Good. 1282 01:11:40,240 --> 01:11:43,440 Hi. Hi, Maymouna. Hi. How are you doing? 1283 01:11:43,440 --> 01:11:46,320 How are you enjoying London? London is good. 1284 01:11:46,320 --> 01:11:48,280 She's missing home. 1285 01:11:48,280 --> 01:11:50,960 Which is only natural. of course. 1286 01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:54,800 But, hey, listen, um...about the film. 1287 01:11:54,800 --> 01:11:56,000 I just...I wanted to warn you. 1288 01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:58,720 It's, um...it's a rough cut, so it's just... 1289 01:11:58,720 --> 01:12:03,120 OK, everyone, we are ready to kick off, so...Zoe? OK? 1290 01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:07,760 Shall we? Good luck. Yeah, thanks. You too. 1291 01:12:15,640 --> 01:12:17,840 Hello. 1292 01:12:17,840 --> 01:12:20,520 Hi, everyone. Um... 1293 01:12:20,520 --> 01:12:23,600 Wow. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. 1294 01:12:23,600 --> 01:12:25,200 I just wanted to say a few words 1295 01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:28,480 about my own journey making this film. 1296 01:12:28,480 --> 01:12:32,040 So I used to think that arranged marriages 1297 01:12:32,040 --> 01:12:35,160 were this mad, outdated idea. 1298 01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:38,080 Um...and when my friend and neighbour, Farooq, had one, 1299 01:12:38,080 --> 01:12:40,440 I couldn't believe that he could ever be happy. 1300 01:12:42,400 --> 01:12:44,920 But I was wrong. 1301 01:12:44,920 --> 01:12:47,920 I was wrong. And now I wonder, 1302 01:12:47,920 --> 01:12:51,280 as someone with a slightly chequered romantic history... 1303 01:12:51,280 --> 01:12:53,720 Ahem! Oh, no heckling, please. Thanks, Mum. 1304 01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:57,240 ..now I wonder whether there is something to be learned 1305 01:12:57,240 --> 01:12:59,600 from a social system which offers the opportunity 1306 01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:05,400 to meet available, like-minded, non-commitment-phobic men, 1307 01:13:05,400 --> 01:13:09,320 um...chosen by the person who knows you best. 1308 01:13:09,320 --> 01:13:10,640 Me. Like me. 1309 01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:15,520 And also, you know, maybe between the two extremes 1310 01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:17,400 of no choice in forced marriages 1311 01:13:17,400 --> 01:13:20,600 and just too much choice on dating apps... 1312 01:13:20,600 --> 01:13:22,240 I'm always on dating apps! 1313 01:13:20,600 --> 01:13:22,240 LAUGHTER 1314 01:13:22,240 --> 01:13:26,400 Um, you know, maybe somewhere between passion and pragmatism, 1315 01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:29,200 maybe there's a path to a happy ever after. 1316 01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:31,520 Shabash! Inshallah. 1317 01:13:31,520 --> 01:13:33,040 Um, OK, I'm going to stop waffling now. 1318 01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:36,280 I'm talking way too much. But I do want to say 1319 01:13:36,280 --> 01:13:38,240 just the biggest thank you to Kaz and Maymouna. 1320 01:13:38,240 --> 01:13:41,640 Thank you so, so much for allowing me 1321 01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,880 to film you walking into love. 1322 01:13:58,040 --> 01:14:00,520 CHATTER 1323 01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:03,480 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 1324 01:14:03,480 --> 01:14:05,600 Er, hi. Hello. Hi. 1325 01:14:05,600 --> 01:14:07,240 You all right? Can I just take...? 1326 01:14:07,240 --> 01:14:09,320 Yeah, of course. Oh, thank you. Yes. 1327 01:14:17,800 --> 01:14:21,000 Is it that different from using filters on your Tinder? 1328 01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:22,880 It's not really lying, is it? It's... 1329 01:14:24,160 --> 01:14:26,280 We're just told to put a veil on our sins. 1330 01:14:26,280 --> 01:14:29,440 Nikah is a sacred marriage contract. 1331 01:14:29,440 --> 01:14:30,680 According to Islam, 1332 01:14:30,680 --> 01:14:35,600 bride and groom must both define their own terms and conditions. 1333 01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:40,120 Power of divorce is available to both partners equally. 1334 01:14:40,120 --> 01:14:44,600 Maher is a token commitment of the husband's responsibility. 1335 01:14:48,480 --> 01:14:49,800 Hi. 1336 01:14:49,800 --> 01:14:50,840 Oh, hi. 1337 01:14:53,640 --> 01:14:55,760 How's it going down? Yeah, good. 1338 01:14:55,760 --> 01:14:58,560 Oh, I don't dare go back in. 1339 01:14:58,560 --> 01:15:01,080 What?! You're super talented. 1340 01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:02,160 Oh... 1341 01:15:04,000 --> 01:15:05,200 Ugh... 1342 01:15:05,200 --> 01:15:07,360 Zoe... Mm? 1343 01:15:07,360 --> 01:15:08,400 ..can we talk? 1344 01:15:10,440 --> 01:15:14,640 Well... Nothing good's ever come out of those three words, but... 1345 01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:15,680 Look... 1346 01:15:17,040 --> 01:15:18,480 ..you're the dream. 1347 01:15:18,480 --> 01:15:20,240 If I ever thought I'd end up with someone like you, 1348 01:15:20,240 --> 01:15:22,560 I never would have been a tortured teenager. Hm. 1349 01:15:24,400 --> 01:15:27,040 You're either proposing to me or breaking up with me, 1350 01:15:27,040 --> 01:15:28,520 and I can't figure out which. 1351 01:15:34,640 --> 01:15:35,880 Oh, shit. 1352 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:41,120 I just don't want... 1353 01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:42,160 HE SIGHS 1354 01:15:44,640 --> 01:15:46,320 I just can't be your plan B. 1355 01:15:49,880 --> 01:15:53,600 I want more than that. No, don't. What are you doing? This is fine. 1356 01:15:53,600 --> 01:15:55,080 All right? This is going fine. 1357 01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:58,160 Yeah, but I don't want "fine". 1358 01:15:58,160 --> 01:16:01,080 Why? Everyone likes "fine". 1359 01:16:01,080 --> 01:16:03,280 Zoe, you don't want "fine" either. 1360 01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:12,840 Well, how do you know what I want? 1361 01:16:25,200 --> 01:16:26,600 What am I going to tell my mum? 1362 01:16:26,600 --> 01:16:29,320 Ooh... Um... 1363 01:16:29,320 --> 01:16:34,400 Tell her that I will probably end up being your sensible second husband. 1364 01:16:39,200 --> 01:16:41,200 Well, I mean, either that or I'll marry the dog. 1365 01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:42,760 SHE LAUGHS 1366 01:16:56,240 --> 01:16:57,640 It was devastating. 1367 01:16:59,880 --> 01:17:01,880 I think the worst moment for me 1368 01:17:01,880 --> 01:17:05,320 was when we had our beautiful little girl 1369 01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:09,640 and I realised that she would never know her grandparents. 1370 01:17:09,640 --> 01:17:12,120 I had such a special relationship with mine. 1371 01:17:14,120 --> 01:17:19,480 But I always knew that that would be the price we'd pay to be together. 1372 01:17:19,480 --> 01:17:20,760 I, um... 1373 01:17:20,760 --> 01:17:23,280 I did read the Koran before we got married, 1374 01:17:23,280 --> 01:17:26,280 just to try and understand it a bit. 1375 01:17:26,280 --> 01:17:29,520 It says a husband and wife should be like garments to each other, 1376 01:17:29,520 --> 01:17:31,880 to protect and keep each other warm. 1377 01:17:33,160 --> 01:17:34,800 We used that in our wedding vows. 1378 01:17:36,080 --> 01:17:38,240 Do you have any regrets? 1379 01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:42,400 I regret that I caused my family so much pain, 1380 01:17:42,400 --> 01:17:44,720 especially my Nani Jan, my grandmother. 1381 01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:48,360 I can never forget her face when I left. 1382 01:17:50,640 --> 01:17:56,880 But I don't believe that we choose who we fall in love with. 1383 01:17:56,880 --> 01:18:00,760 It's...it's too overwhelming to be in our control. 1384 01:18:02,120 --> 01:18:06,320 But even if it had been a choice and not my kismet, 1385 01:18:06,320 --> 01:18:08,120 I'd still have chosen him. 1386 01:18:15,320 --> 01:18:17,160 APPLAUSE FROM CINEMA 1387 01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:21,720 Hey. 1388 01:18:21,720 --> 01:18:23,800 What were you thinking, Zo? 1389 01:18:23,800 --> 01:18:25,200 I trusted you. 1390 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,680 I...I was just doing my job. 1391 01:18:27,680 --> 01:18:29,280 Your job isn't to humiliate my family 1392 01:18:29,280 --> 01:18:31,360 by broadcasting our issues to the world. 1393 01:18:31,360 --> 01:18:33,920 I had to include Jamila. Come on. 1394 01:18:33,920 --> 01:18:36,240 Please, why is that so humiliating? 1395 01:18:39,600 --> 01:18:41,440 Number 47. 1396 01:18:41,440 --> 01:18:43,280 Number 49. 1397 01:18:43,280 --> 01:18:44,600 Different continents. 1398 01:18:51,320 --> 01:18:52,600 TEARFULLY: It was beautiful. 1399 01:18:54,120 --> 01:18:55,200 Maymouna. 1400 01:18:57,640 --> 01:18:58,920 Thank you. 1401 01:19:02,280 --> 01:19:03,560 Oh... 1402 01:19:03,560 --> 01:19:05,000 SHE SNIFFS 1403 01:19:26,360 --> 01:19:28,880 Zoe, that was a bit cruel. You could have told me that outfit 1404 01:19:28,880 --> 01:19:30,600 made me look like a pile of dirty washing. 1405 01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:33,840 Oh, not now. Where-where's James? 1406 01:19:33,840 --> 01:19:36,120 He just dumped me, so... 1407 01:19:36,120 --> 01:19:38,720 Oh, Zoe! What have you done now?! 1408 01:19:38,720 --> 01:19:40,200 Oh, no! 1409 01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:42,720 I thought he was finally the solution. 1410 01:19:42,720 --> 01:19:44,400 Oh, you sound like Hitler! 1411 01:19:44,400 --> 01:19:47,640 Oh....Zoe. Come on. He was... 1412 01:19:47,640 --> 01:19:49,720 He's the best one you've ever picked. 1413 01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:51,440 I didn't pick him. You did. 1414 01:19:59,960 --> 01:20:02,280 I'm worried you're going to end up alone. 1415 01:20:03,680 --> 01:20:06,360 You're alone. You seem fine. 1416 01:20:08,520 --> 01:20:09,640 That's different. 1417 01:20:09,640 --> 01:20:12,600 Am I half a person when I'm not with a man? 1418 01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:14,520 Is that what you think? And you just... 1419 01:20:14,520 --> 01:20:16,240 Am I just not enough for you as I am? 1420 01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:20,880 Oh, darling, that's not fair. That...that's not fair! 1421 01:20:20,880 --> 01:20:22,280 I can't do this. 1422 01:20:24,600 --> 01:20:25,640 Zoe... 1423 01:20:45,760 --> 01:20:47,040 PHONE BUZZES 1424 01:20:51,720 --> 01:20:53,640 THEY LAUGH 1425 01:21:03,880 --> 01:21:05,760 PHONE CHIMES 1426 01:21:09,520 --> 01:21:11,400 PHONE CHIMES 1427 01:21:15,120 --> 01:21:16,640 Do you need to get that? 1428 01:21:39,960 --> 01:21:41,800 PHONE CHIMES 1429 01:21:47,720 --> 01:21:49,400 Why didn't you tell me? 1430 01:22:01,960 --> 01:22:03,960 Er... 1431 01:22:01,960 --> 01:22:03,960 HE PUFFS 1432 01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:08,280 So what do we do now? 1433 01:22:10,680 --> 01:22:11,880 Pretend. 1434 01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:14,720 Like everyone else. 1435 01:22:23,520 --> 01:22:24,560 "Pretend"... 1436 01:22:33,680 --> 01:22:35,360 THEY TALK QUIETLY 1437 01:22:38,040 --> 01:22:39,280 Sleeping Beauty... 1438 01:22:40,560 --> 01:22:41,960 ..tried to... 1439 01:22:42,960 --> 01:22:45,000 ..fake it to make it. 1440 01:22:57,240 --> 01:22:58,960 She was just sad. 1441 01:23:01,240 --> 01:23:03,120 And so she went to sleep... 1442 01:23:05,000 --> 01:23:07,600 ..for 100 years. 1443 01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:14,200 Snow White was also sad. 1444 01:23:15,560 --> 01:23:18,120 She ate a poisoned apple on purpose... 1445 01:23:19,600 --> 01:23:21,320 ..because she was depressed. 1446 01:23:22,680 --> 01:23:24,480 Which literally means... 1447 01:23:26,200 --> 01:23:28,080 .."deep rest". 1448 01:23:29,760 --> 01:23:34,200 And no-one lived happily ever after. 1449 01:23:36,880 --> 01:23:39,280 Because that never happens in real life. 1450 01:23:40,920 --> 01:23:42,680 Only in fairy tales. 1451 01:23:42,680 --> 01:23:44,640 PHONE CHIMES 1452 01:23:49,800 --> 01:23:51,800 So, yeah, if we look at the section here... 1453 01:24:01,080 --> 01:24:03,680 What are you doing here? All good? 1454 01:24:03,680 --> 01:24:06,400 I keep calling and calling. You never answer my phone. 1455 01:24:07,480 --> 01:24:09,600 SHE SPEAKS IN URDU 1456 01:24:09,600 --> 01:24:11,560 All OK? 1457 01:24:11,560 --> 01:24:13,160 Yeah. Everything's OK. 1458 01:24:18,880 --> 01:24:20,320 How's Maymouna? 1459 01:24:20,320 --> 01:24:24,600 And...how are you both getting on? 1460 01:24:24,600 --> 01:24:25,960 It's all fine. 1461 01:24:32,880 --> 01:24:34,960 It takes time to adjust. 1462 01:24:36,360 --> 01:24:38,960 It wasn't easy for me, either, at the start. 1463 01:24:39,960 --> 01:24:42,880 Your father and I hardly spoke for the first month, 1464 01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:44,240 and now look at us. 1465 01:24:45,680 --> 01:24:47,160 Sorry, Ammi, I'm... 1466 01:24:47,160 --> 01:24:48,880 So much to do. I'm busy today. 1467 01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:55,840 OK. 1468 01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:59,480 So I'll see you both for Eid tomorrow. 1469 01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,080 If it's confirmed. 1470 01:25:01,080 --> 01:25:02,600 I'll call you later, huh? 1471 01:25:02,600 --> 01:25:03,640 Yeah. 1472 01:25:06,000 --> 01:25:09,400 You know, beta, why the Prophet said, 1473 01:25:09,400 --> 01:25:12,000 "Paradise lies at the mother's feet"? 1474 01:25:14,960 --> 01:25:19,560 Because there is no love greater than a mother's love for her child. 1475 01:25:22,840 --> 01:25:24,640 That's why our prayers are double. 1476 01:25:26,800 --> 01:25:29,240 You know what I pray for every night? 1477 01:25:31,480 --> 01:25:33,280 I pray for your happiness... 1478 01:25:34,480 --> 01:25:36,360 ..and the happiness of all my children. 1479 01:25:39,600 --> 01:25:41,080 That's all that matters. 1480 01:25:50,040 --> 01:25:52,320 You know, I just want to be a good son, Ammi. 1481 01:25:52,320 --> 01:25:53,880 That's it. 1482 01:25:56,320 --> 01:25:57,360 Oh... 1483 01:26:14,360 --> 01:26:15,400 PHONE KEY BEEPS 1484 01:26:15,400 --> 01:26:17,600 To hear your messages, press 2. PHONE KEY BEEPS 1485 01:26:17,600 --> 01:26:20,560 Received 3:34pm. 1486 01:26:20,560 --> 01:26:23,760 Hi, Zo. Olly and Sam here from Big Bull Productions. Hi. 1487 01:26:23,760 --> 01:26:26,640 Look, we love the doc, but we've got a problem, OK? 1488 01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:29,040 White lens. Yeah, diverse subject - great. 1489 01:26:29,040 --> 01:26:31,560 White director. It's not so great. Yeah. 1490 01:26:31,560 --> 01:26:34,640 So we're going to have to hit pause on the project, OK? 1491 01:26:34,640 --> 01:26:36,720 Look, we're really sorry. Really sorry. 1492 01:26:36,720 --> 01:26:39,360 Give us a call if you want to chat. Yeah, OK. Oh, shit. 1493 01:26:39,360 --> 01:26:41,600 Press 2 to repeat. 1494 01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:48,720 Shouldn't leave your knickers just lying about on display. 1495 01:26:48,720 --> 01:26:50,440 I don't understand. 1496 01:26:50,440 --> 01:26:52,040 Why are you all dressed up? 1497 01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:53,240 It's Eid. 1498 01:26:53,240 --> 01:26:54,640 I'm going to the Khans'. 1499 01:26:55,720 --> 01:26:56,920 That's good. 1500 01:26:58,280 --> 01:26:59,560 You want to come? 1501 01:27:00,880 --> 01:27:02,080 No, thank you. 1502 01:27:03,560 --> 01:27:06,840 I'm the last person that they want to see. 1503 01:27:06,840 --> 01:27:09,320 Anyway, I'm packing. 1504 01:27:09,320 --> 01:27:10,640 Where are you going? 1505 01:27:10,640 --> 01:27:12,680 Turkey. For a break. 1506 01:27:12,680 --> 01:27:16,240 Since everyone hated my film. SHE CHUCKLES BITTERLY 1507 01:27:19,920 --> 01:27:24,600 I must just say, I do admire your independence. 1508 01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:31,200 And I... 1509 01:27:31,200 --> 01:27:32,400 You're wrong. 1510 01:27:34,520 --> 01:27:37,600 I don't value you less when you're not with a man. 1511 01:27:39,280 --> 01:27:42,800 And I'm very, very proud of everything you've achieved. 1512 01:27:46,320 --> 01:27:49,040 But... Oh. "But." Nothing counts before the "but". 1513 01:27:51,520 --> 01:27:52,600 Well, but... 1514 01:27:54,120 --> 01:27:57,960 ..there's a difference between independence 1515 01:27:57,960 --> 01:28:01,320 and being so cut off that no-one can get close to you. 1516 01:28:02,880 --> 01:28:06,280 We all need other people, even you. 1517 01:28:06,280 --> 01:28:08,320 There's no weakness in that, Zoe. 1518 01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:13,280 Zahid's right - loneliness is a Western disease, 1519 01:28:13,280 --> 01:28:15,400 and it's far more deadly than cancer. 1520 01:28:15,400 --> 01:28:19,160 The only cure is to allow other people to care about you, 1521 01:28:19,160 --> 01:28:23,080 and not...not to always push them away. 1522 01:28:28,840 --> 01:28:30,960 They say it takes a village to raise a child. 1523 01:28:30,960 --> 01:28:32,240 But what about the adults? 1524 01:28:32,240 --> 01:28:35,720 I'd say it takes a village to sustain an adult, 1525 01:28:35,720 --> 01:28:42,880 and I'm so lucky to... to have found my village next door. 1526 01:28:44,640 --> 01:28:48,400 All I want is for you to find yours, Zoe. 1527 01:28:54,920 --> 01:28:56,040 Hm? 1528 01:28:57,680 --> 01:29:00,080 Oh... 1529 01:29:00,080 --> 01:29:01,120 Come here. 1530 01:29:07,520 --> 01:29:09,480 PHONE BUZZES AND CHIMES 1531 01:29:09,480 --> 01:29:11,000 That's you. That was my phone. 1532 01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:14,720 Saved by the bell! 1533 01:29:14,720 --> 01:29:17,320 Oh, it's from Kaz. That's nice. 1534 01:29:20,000 --> 01:29:21,280 Have a biscuit? Yeah. 1535 01:29:25,280 --> 01:29:27,080 I look nice? Yeah. Look great. Thank you. 1536 01:29:28,640 --> 01:29:30,280 Do you want to...? Do you want to...? 1537 01:29:30,280 --> 01:29:32,320 OK. OK, OK. Um... 1538 01:29:32,320 --> 01:29:33,600 Hi. 1539 01:29:33,600 --> 01:29:35,560 Um....I love your film, Zoe, 1540 01:29:35,560 --> 01:29:39,840 and I'm sorry if this kind of ruins your ending, but... 1541 01:29:40,840 --> 01:29:43,160 ..I think it's going to make it more truthful. 1542 01:29:47,200 --> 01:29:48,480 Eid Mubarak! 1543 01:29:48,480 --> 01:29:49,960 BOTH: Eid Mubarak! 1544 01:29:49,960 --> 01:29:52,120 No! What are you doing? 1545 01:29:52,120 --> 01:29:53,520 They taste nice! 1546 01:29:53,520 --> 01:29:55,120 Eid Mubarak! 1547 01:29:55,120 --> 01:29:59,640 THEY SPEAK IN URDU 1548 01:29:55,120 --> 01:29:59,640 Just get the spoon. 1549 01:29:59,640 --> 01:30:01,960 Help me cut. Come on. What do you want me to do? 1550 01:30:01,960 --> 01:30:04,240 DOORBELL 1551 01:30:01,960 --> 01:30:04,240 No, not like that. 1552 01:30:05,760 --> 01:30:08,720 So festive as ever! 1553 01:30:08,720 --> 01:30:11,240 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1554 01:30:11,240 --> 01:30:13,000 Don't you look gorgeous, as always. 1555 01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:15,720 I brought you something very, very boring. Oh, you needn't have. 1556 01:30:15,720 --> 01:30:17,560 And, um, um, Zoe's here. 1557 01:30:17,560 --> 01:30:19,040 Zoe. 1558 01:30:19,040 --> 01:30:23,040 I'm sorry to gate-crash, but I really need to talk to Kaz, please. 1559 01:30:23,040 --> 01:30:27,160 You've been talking quite a lot to all my children lately. 1560 01:30:27,160 --> 01:30:29,760 Jalebis. I made them specially for you. Well, thank you. 1561 01:30:29,760 --> 01:30:33,200 You're trying to give me diabetes. Eid Mubarak. 1562 01:30:33,200 --> 01:30:36,080 DOORBELL 1563 01:30:33,200 --> 01:30:36,080 Can you just get the...? 1564 01:30:42,840 --> 01:30:45,800 How is everything? Everyone all right? 1565 01:30:45,800 --> 01:30:48,760 It's OK. A bit tense. It seems a bit tense. 1566 01:30:50,240 --> 01:30:52,280 Where's Maymouna? She's not coming. 1567 01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:56,120 What do you mean she's not coming? Kaz. Good. 1568 01:30:56,120 --> 01:30:58,560 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1569 01:30:58,560 --> 01:31:00,760 Hello, darling. Eid Mubarak. 1570 01:31:00,760 --> 01:31:02,960 Mm. You smell lovely. 1571 01:31:06,840 --> 01:31:09,200 Are you OK? Just saw your email. 1572 01:31:10,280 --> 01:31:11,640 I'm fine. 1573 01:31:13,000 --> 01:31:14,920 I'm glad you're here. 1574 01:31:14,920 --> 01:31:19,080 Kazim, why isn't Maymouna here? Is she sick? 1575 01:31:23,600 --> 01:31:26,040 Ammi, Maymouna is not sick. 1576 01:31:32,560 --> 01:31:35,640 Unless you call heartbreak a sickness. 1577 01:31:35,640 --> 01:31:37,280 What do you mean? 1578 01:31:41,160 --> 01:31:46,480 Turns out our marriage was more...insisted than assisted. 1579 01:31:46,480 --> 01:31:49,240 That's not possible. They're a modern family. 1580 01:31:49,240 --> 01:31:52,480 Everybody was so happy at the wedding. Where is she now? 1581 01:31:53,840 --> 01:31:57,440 She is working up the courage to... 1582 01:31:57,440 --> 01:32:00,240 ..tell her parents we're divorced. 1583 01:32:01,960 --> 01:32:04,080 Divorced? 1584 01:32:04,080 --> 01:32:06,000 What do you mean? Just like... 1585 01:32:06,000 --> 01:32:08,480 All you have to say is, "I divorce you. 1586 01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:10,880 "I divorce you. I divorce you." 1587 01:32:10,880 --> 01:32:13,640 Oh, wish we had that here. 1588 01:32:15,840 --> 01:32:17,960 Triple talaq is banned in Pakistan 1589 01:32:17,960 --> 01:32:21,280 to stop people from making rash decisions. This isn't rash. 1590 01:32:21,280 --> 01:32:26,000 It's... Maymouna was... IS in love with someone else. 1591 01:32:28,800 --> 01:32:30,800 Neither of us wants to pretend any more. 1592 01:32:32,680 --> 01:32:36,680 Oh, OK, since it's a day for bombshell disclosures, 1593 01:32:36,680 --> 01:32:39,920 I think we all need to try and just be a bit more honest. 1594 01:32:41,520 --> 01:32:44,360 You may as well all know that I smoke. 1595 01:32:44,360 --> 01:32:46,200 That's very bad for you. 1596 01:32:46,200 --> 01:32:48,280 And I have done since I was 15. 1597 01:32:48,280 --> 01:32:51,960 But you're a doctor now, so not in public. 1598 01:32:51,960 --> 01:32:53,480 I kept asking myself, 1599 01:32:53,480 --> 01:32:57,520 why is this grown man always up there in that treehouse? 1600 01:32:57,520 --> 01:32:59,440 Does he think he is Tarzan? 1601 01:33:01,080 --> 01:33:02,640 And I drink sometimes. 1602 01:33:02,640 --> 01:33:06,080 Just some red wine for your cholesterol. 1603 01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:09,840 Alcohol has some medicinal value. Such a relief. 1604 01:33:09,840 --> 01:33:12,120 But, obviously, I never, ever touch pork. 1605 01:33:12,120 --> 01:33:15,360 Of course not. You are Muslim. Hmm? 1606 01:33:16,640 --> 01:33:20,000 OK, there's something way more important. Um... 1607 01:33:21,040 --> 01:33:22,080 Ammi... 1608 01:33:23,960 --> 01:33:28,240 ..you always say that Eid is about family coming together. Yes. 1609 01:33:28,240 --> 01:33:30,400 UNTRANSLATED 1610 01:33:30,400 --> 01:33:33,920 And if Zoe's film has shown us one thing it's that... 1611 01:33:33,920 --> 01:33:36,480 It's that there's been an important member of our family missing 1612 01:33:36,480 --> 01:33:37,520 for too long. 1613 01:33:39,160 --> 01:33:40,680 Too long. 1614 01:33:45,120 --> 01:33:46,640 One second. 1615 01:33:46,640 --> 01:33:47,840 Sorry. 1616 01:34:01,000 --> 01:34:03,320 BABY CRIES 1617 01:34:01,000 --> 01:34:03,320 Oh! 1618 01:35:00,160 --> 01:35:01,640 She needs her Nani Jan. 1619 01:35:04,520 --> 01:35:05,960 BABY CRIES 1620 01:35:05,960 --> 01:35:07,920 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1621 01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:18,200 And I need my Nani Jan. 1622 01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:43,640 Nani Jan. 1623 01:35:47,000 --> 01:35:48,120 Nani Jan. 1624 01:35:50,720 --> 01:35:51,920 Please. 1625 01:36:05,400 --> 01:36:07,280 UNTRANSLATED 1626 01:36:08,680 --> 01:36:12,720 CHAT DROWNED OUT BY SWELLING MUSIC 1627 01:36:39,280 --> 01:36:41,760 BABY CRIES 1628 01:36:44,960 --> 01:36:48,040 INDISTINCT CHATTER 1629 01:36:49,040 --> 01:36:51,600 Oh! Where's Zoe gone? 1630 01:36:51,600 --> 01:36:53,920 Has she gone already without saying goodbye? 1631 01:36:53,920 --> 01:36:56,680 I've spoken to her about that. She's halfway to Constantinople by now, 1632 01:36:56,680 --> 01:36:59,120 I shouldn't wonder. Wait, what? 1633 01:37:01,240 --> 01:37:02,720 Kazim? 1634 01:37:12,160 --> 01:37:13,480 You've reached the voicemail... 1635 01:37:13,480 --> 01:37:15,480 Where have you gone? 1636 01:37:13,480 --> 01:37:15,480 PHONE PINGS 1637 01:37:29,520 --> 01:37:31,480 LINE RINGS 1638 01:37:31,480 --> 01:37:32,680 PHONE PINGS 1639 01:37:48,520 --> 01:37:49,720 Rapunzel? 1640 01:37:51,960 --> 01:37:54,080 Let down your hair. 1641 01:37:54,080 --> 01:37:57,440 I'm pretty sure I'm the witch in this fairy tale. 1642 01:38:17,960 --> 01:38:19,560 Oh... 1643 01:38:25,000 --> 01:38:26,120 Hi. 1644 01:38:27,560 --> 01:38:28,920 Hi. 1645 01:38:32,520 --> 01:38:35,960 It's your turn. Yeah. Um... 1646 01:38:37,880 --> 01:38:39,640 I can't speak! 1647 01:38:39,640 --> 01:38:43,200 OK. Sorry. Um... 1648 01:38:43,200 --> 01:38:47,040 OK. I'm going to put myself on the line here. 1649 01:38:47,040 --> 01:38:51,040 Go on. This... This isn't easy. I know, I know. 1650 01:38:51,040 --> 01:38:54,640 You know, I'm really high up and there's no safety... Zoe. 1651 01:38:59,320 --> 01:39:02,640 Would you like to watch a whole TV series with me? 1652 01:39:07,680 --> 01:39:09,760 Are you sure? 1653 01:39:09,760 --> 01:39:12,480 Mmm... Cos we... 1654 01:39:12,480 --> 01:39:15,880 We should take it very... You know, take it slowly. 1655 01:39:15,880 --> 01:39:18,680 Yeah. Yeah, like an episode at a time. 1656 01:39:18,680 --> 01:39:21,160 No bingeing. No bingeing. 1657 01:39:23,800 --> 01:39:27,200 Just please don't forget it this time. I never forgot. Never. 1658 01:39:30,040 --> 01:39:31,720 And maybe we could just, like, 1659 01:39:31,720 --> 01:39:33,960 we could have a break clause halfway through... 1660 01:39:33,960 --> 01:39:36,080 Always a break clause. Always. 1661 01:39:40,360 --> 01:39:42,000 Zoe... 1662 01:40:31,280 --> 01:40:33,800 We couldn't have arranged it better ourselves. 1663 01:40:33,800 --> 01:40:35,160 Mashallah! 1664 01:40:35,160 --> 01:40:36,880 That means thank God. 1665 01:40:40,400 --> 01:40:43,200 Ammi Jan always said this would happen if he came here 1666 01:40:43,200 --> 01:40:45,360 and he went to a mixed university. 1667 01:40:45,360 --> 01:40:48,840 Can't be expected to bowl a googly every time. 1668 01:40:48,840 --> 01:40:52,000 So, we moved out. Only down the road to number nine. 1669 01:40:52,000 --> 01:40:54,960 Except we call it nine and three quarters. 1670 01:40:54,960 --> 01:40:57,160 Harry Potter! 1671 01:40:57,160 --> 01:40:59,080 David's getting to know the family. 1672 01:40:59,080 --> 01:41:02,040 He's even learning Urdu so he can understand Nani Jan. 1673 01:41:07,400 --> 01:41:10,320 It's called mixed heritage, Nani Jan. Mixed heritage? 1674 01:41:12,000 --> 01:41:14,480 I don't know what you were expecting. 1675 01:41:14,480 --> 01:41:16,600 My head on a stick? 1676 01:41:16,600 --> 01:41:17,720 I'm fine. 1677 01:41:19,000 --> 01:41:20,720 I am graduated. 1678 01:41:20,720 --> 01:41:24,680 I'm a human rights lawyer and my parents are super proud. 1679 01:41:28,960 --> 01:41:33,240 # You are all that I've been waiting for 1680 01:41:33,240 --> 01:41:37,200 # I am so proud to say I'm yours 1681 01:41:37,200 --> 01:41:41,160 # And I won't take this love for granted 1682 01:41:41,160 --> 01:41:44,440 # The closest that I've felt to magic 1683 01:41:44,440 --> 01:41:46,720 # I'm gonna take your hand, you can take my hand 1684 01:41:46,720 --> 01:41:48,360 # And we gonna live for love 1685 01:41:48,360 --> 01:41:50,640 I'm gonna take your hand, showing off my man 1686 01:41:50,640 --> 01:41:52,520 # We gonna live as one 1687 01:41:52,520 --> 01:41:56,400 # Everything that we fought for 1688 01:41:56,400 --> 01:42:01,280 # Was worth every battle 1689 01:42:05,080 --> 01:42:08,120 UNTRANSLATED LYRICS 1690 01:42:25,640 --> 01:42:29,360 # You drenched in those flowers 1691 01:42:29,360 --> 01:42:33,880 # I fall deep in desire 1692 01:42:33,880 --> 01:42:37,840 # Never have I known pleasure 1693 01:42:37,840 --> 01:42:41,640 # Than when we found a fire in a flame 1694 01:42:47,200 --> 01:42:51,280 # You are all that I've been waiting for 1695 01:42:51,280 --> 01:42:55,520 # I am so proud to say I'm yours... #