This film contains some strong language
MUSIC: Kingdom by Joy Crookes
# Rolling up to vote, I toke my Benson
# England's blowing smoke, it needs attention
# Could use a lick of paint, a change of colour... #
PHONE PINGS
# Think I got a neighbour that's been feeling blue
# But they won't stand down no matter what you say or do
# How d'you learn to love if you're not taught to? #
Taxi!
# It's wearing me thin
# Who's got love for the taking?
# Who's got heart for the aching?
# No such thing as a kingdom
# When tomorrow's done for the children
# They chop it up and divide
# So meet me at the borderline
# Where the burning bridges have been taking toll
# We row, we row, we row the boat
Oh! Zo!
Auntie Aisha!
Lovely to see you, Zoe.
You're looking...fresh. Oh!
PHONE RINGS
Oh. Excuse me.
Sorry. Hello?
No, no, I can talk.
She's always...going.
Oh. Oh, right. Um...
Well, can I come in and discuss this with you?
You know, I have other ideas.
That's great. OK. Goodbye.
Long time, no see, Miss Award-Winning Documentary Maker.
Can I have your autograph, please?
Kaz!
What are you doing up there?
Same as always - sneaky ciggie. Oh.
Come up. Please don't tell me
your parents still don't know you smoke.
I'm an oncology registrar.
It's not the best look, is it?
But they're happy, now I'm getting married.
You are?
Hey, congratulations.
Who's the lucky lady?
Don't know yet. Wait. What do you mean?
I'm going old-school on this one.
I'm getting an arranged marriage. Well, assisted marriage.
That's what we're calling it these days. Huh.
What, like assisted suicide?
I can't get my head around marrying someone you don't know.
It might be easier than marrying someone you do know.
Hmm. Well, did you never want to get married?
Ooh, never's a bit harsh.
I'm still...interviewing.
I haven't yet met the one.
Ah, the one.
You know, just someone
who I could commit to watching a whole TV series with would be nice.
Hey, where's your little sister? I haven't seen her.
Jamila?
She couldn't make it.
CHEERING INDOORS
It sounds like it's kicking off. Let's go back inside.
I'm going to have to find a new hiding place.
You know they're cutting down the tree?
No!
Yeah. That's... That's so sad!
This is our tree.
I know. Come on.
LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS
Look at Farooq. He's so happy.
Oh, God. Mum-dancing.
Thank you, Aisha!
That was just heaven.
We'll catch up tomorrow. Bye!
Oh, wasn't it just so wonderfully exotic?
I felt... I felt like some sort of glorious concubine.
"Exotic", meaning good foreign rather than threatening foreign?
Yeah, exactly. I forgot to give you some biryani.
Oh, darling, thank you so much!
Oh, I cannot believe that you did not tell me
that Kaz has asked you to find him a wife.
Oh, my God, you are so lucky.
I mean, Zoe would kill me if I even tried to choose her clothes,
let alone her husband.
Yeah, that's because you'd choose someone ill-fitting
and insist I grow into him. That's mean!
That's what you would do. Stop it, both!
Bye-bye!
Goodnight. Thank you, sweetheart. Night, Mum.
Bye, darling. Buckle up.
So, Zoe, we loved your doc.
Oh, loved it. Kids In Care? Yeah. Yes, that one.
Well, that's great, because I was hoping to...
Unfortunately, your ideas for - for your next one...
The bankruptcy courts.
Honour killings.
They're a bit bleak. Downbeat. Yeah.
And, you know, your scratchier, darker stuff... Which we love.
We love it down...right down to the bones.
Yeah. But it's not really rating for us right now.
I think... Look, what we're after is sort of more upbeat...
Yeah. Character-led story.
Warm, heart... Yeah. ..feelgood, really,
and we were kind of brainstorming,
and we think that there probably isn't a feelgood version
of honour killings.
Probably not.
No. But thank you very much for coming in.
We've connected now, so we can...
Look, we've got your details, so silver lining.
Always looking on the upside.
Actually, hang on... Lovely to meet you.
..arranged marriages in modern, multicultural Britain.
Sorry, I wasn't listening. Sorry, I just...
I was just explaining that my childhood friend,
whose parents are from Pakistan...
Oh, he was born in Pakistan? Cool. No, he's born here.
But he lived literally next door to me.
We grew up together,
and he's just decided to have an arranged marriage.
I could follow him on his journey
to marry a stranger chosen by his parents.
What's he... What's he like? Well, he's great.
He's funny. Good-looking. Funny's good.
Really funny.
Kind.
You know, literally the last person you'd ever expect
to do something like this.
I could interview other British couples
who've also had arranged marriages. Um, older, younger, happy, unhappy.
Like in When Harry Met Sally.
Oh, um, don't you mean When Harry Was Forced To Meet Sally?
Right! Nice.
Well, this isn't a forced marriage, actually, this is his idea.
My Big Fat Arranged Wedding.
Instead of Greek, yeah. Oh, I love it.
You know, everyone thinks that arranged marriages
are some sort of medieval chattel swap, but actually, they've evolved
into what's called assisted marriage,
with the parents just suggesting
someone who they think would be a good match. Yeah, love that.
Absolutely love that, and I'm just thinking...
Meet The Parents...First.
THEY LAUGH
Because I thought Meet The Parents and then... Mmm.
I Hope She's A...Pretty Woman.
Love, Contractually.
I Love, Actually it.
Yeah, you've got eth - tick. Perfect. Female director.
Yes. Double tick. Yeah.
BOTH MEN: Huh.
Wow.
Are him and his family on board?
Totally.
Absolutely not. No. Come on, Kaz.
I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you. Out of the question, Zo.
Kaz, will you please just do this for me?
Zoe? Zoe. Please. I can't talk right now.
I don't know if you've heard,
but I'm an award-winning documentary film-maker.
Yeah, I did hear that, yeah.
So I mean, listen, aren't you proud to be a Muslim?
Of course I'm a proud Muslim.
Yeah, then wouldn't it be a good thing
to see someone like you on TV for once?
Don't extremist madmen make more entertaining TV?
No, it's important.
Come on, Kaz, please. We'll get to hang out.
We'll get to spend some time together.
It'll be fun. Like old times. Old times?
I just remember you and my sister constantly trying to shake me off.
Does that sound a bit weird?
SHE LAUGHS
Come on. Please.
Oh, God, Zoe, stop!
You owe me. I never told Auntie Aisha
what you got up to in that treehouse.
All right, what about this? We'll meet up, play a little table tennis.
And if you beat me, I'll think about it.
Yeah. Sounds good. No pressure.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
It's been a while since I've played this.
Er, dare I ask...what about love?
You know what? It's just a different way of getting there.
You don't have to start with love. End with love, you know?
And over time, you grow to love the person you're with.
Hmm. What, like Stockholm syndrome?
You know my parents aren't making me do this, yeah?
No, I know, that's why I'm so surprised.
Do you know what the UK divorce rate is? No.
I found out. Er, 50%?
55%.
And guess what it is for arranged marriages? 6%. Boom!
The thing is, though, I've seen it work.
I want my kids to have what I had, stability.
Marriage isn't just about two people being in love. It's...
It's a bigger thing than that.
It's about what's best for children and the whole family, society.
Just say all that weird, old-fashioned, conventional shit
on camera. You're so annoying.
If I win this rally, right... Yeah?
..you're doing the film. Oh!
Ah! Oh, yes! God.
I know where we're going. I know, I know.
Just say it for the camera, and look in my eyes.
What, to you? Tell me. Give me two seconds.
It's literally just here.
And how is this any different from, say, dating apps?
Well, I guess you could say it's kind of like
a bespoke, 3D...halal Tinder,
operated by parents.
I'm Aisha Khan.
I'm the cultural consultant on this very positive documentary
on arranged marriage. OK. If you could just, um, ignore...
Hi, guys. Salaam alaikum.
Mo here, Mo the Matchmaker.
And if you're looking for a suitable match for your son,
then you've come to the right place.
We do daughters as well.
OK, just... You can just pretend I'm not here, sorry.
I'm invisible. Natural? Bring it down a little bit. Sure, OK.
So, platinum services.
They also include me checking out the girl's family,
seeing where she's from, a good family home, nice, tidy, clean.
OK, so, guys, tell me, what kind of lovely lady
are we looking for today?
Someone...intelligent and attractive and who I click with, I suppose.
People keep talking about this "click", you know.
He needs a companion, not a click.
OK, no, just someone who can tolerate my parents.
You know, a girl from the same background.
Soft spoken, long hair, not too dark.
Wheatish complexion at the most. Beige?
Did you bring your Pantone colour chart?
Be serious about this, OK?
Brother, have a look at these and tell me what you think.
No...photos? No, no photos yet, because think about it,
if she's too fit, then you won't know if she's a good fit, OK?
You're going to see the picture... "Yeah!"
You're thinking with your lullu.
You need to be thinking with your nunnu, OK?
So, religious observance, what do you think?
Do you want practising, moderately practising? Practising.
AISHA: Practising. Not too conservative.
OK, and beard or no beard? What?
Er...wrong list.
Sorry, give me that back.
Er, sorry.
Um, OK, and modesty. Are we talking hijab? Are we talking niqab?
Are we talking jilbab? Niqab is not necessary.
We are a modern family, after all.
OK, now, do we want a housewife kind of lady,
or do we want career lady?
Seriously, as long as we're on the same wavelength
and we have things in common...
But not too ambitious or too much into this, er, women's lib.
Aaho, aaho. And, er, community? PARENTS: Pakistani.
We're open to any background. But they just said Pakistan.
As long as she's Muslim.
But not Indian.
Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi, all these are OK.
Actually, it would be best if she is a, you know,
Jalandhar-KPK-Pathan mix.
This is getting kind of niche.
OK. And what, er, what's your education, bro?
Bachelors in biology, then medical school.
He's a doctor. Oof, listen, top of the food chain. Easy.
And any vices I should know about,
any, uh, drinking, smoking, dogging, S&M, anything like that? None.
No, no. OK. Uncle, Auntie, I will find your son a brilliant match.
You don't worry about that. Thank you very much.
No dogs, no pets.
No, no, dogging means something... Don't worry, don't worry.
Cats are OK. Cats? I'll write that down.
Cats.
We met on our wedding day.
My parents, you know, they showed me her photograph and I said,
"OK, it's fine."
My mother asked me, but I said,
"No, you choose, so later I can blame you."
Her father was deputy commissioner of the district,
and my father was a doctor in the same village.
They were friends, so they arranged the marriage.
I remember on the wedding,
we were sitting on the stage and the lights went out.
In Pakistan, there is an electricity problem.
And she got scared,
so I leaned over to her and said, "Don't worry, it's nothing."
Then I felt OK.
After that, it was simple sailing.
You know, when the lights came on, I felt he was looking at me.
She looked tip-top.
I thought to myself,
"They made a first-class choice."
MUSIC: Incapable by Roisin Murphy
# It's gone cold, it's horrible weather
# It's gone stone cold and you know we should have got it together... #
PHONE PINGS
# Well, it's nice
# It's nice to be wanted... #
KIDS: No! What's wrong with him? He looked nice. No.
Him, him, him. Stop.
He's hot enough that I'll overlook that inspirational quote.
"My mantra is..." No!
"..you have to endure the rain if you want to see the rainbow."
What does that mean?
It means I'll have to toss a Viagra in his mouth when he's talking.
DOORBELL RINGS
Daddy's home.
Yeah! Daddy!
What are you doing?
I thought the one upside to getting married
is that you get to let yourself go.
What's a Viagra? Yeah, what's a Viagra?
Auntie Zoe here, by any chance?
I'll go read to the kids so you can enjoy some alone time.
Shut up! Nothing inappropriate, please.
Never.
Come on, come here.
Once upon a time...
Oh, does he come and listen to me on my shoulder?
Ready? Yes. Oh! Come here.
Once upon a time, there was a girl and she met a frog.
And he promised her...
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince.
"Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!"
And she said, "I'm not interested in fixing anyone but myself.
"And anyway, I'd far rather have a cool talking frog
"than a boring old prince."
That's not a good story. Do Cinderella.
All right, I'll do Cinderella
if you're in bed in five, four, three, two...
Once upon a time, Cinderella met a handsome prince.
And sometimes, kids, you meet someone and you know in a heartbeat
that you want to spend the rest of your life without them.
Once upon another time, Cinderella met another prince.
Because in fairy tales, a heroine is incomplete without one.
..how well I've done out of everything.
And do you know what? You'd be bloody right, actually.
And another prince...
..and he asked her to marry him.
And she said...no.
Cinderella focused on glass ceilings instead of glass slippers,
which means she focused on work and realised she was fine
without a boring old prince.
The end.
OVER MIC: One-two.
Assalaamu Alaikum, brothers and sisters,
welcome to this very, very special Muslim marriage event.
I go by the name of Mo the Matchmaker,
and I'm here to find you a match.
We are going to end the spinster crisis together, guys, come on.
There's someone out there for everyone,
and we all have needs -
divorcees, disabled people, women over 30.
OK, brothers, you may now approach
any sisters that you like the look of.
Good. Rotate.
Very nice. Oh, look at that chemistry.
We keep it halal. Keep it halal.
I want you to be honest with what you want.
You're not going to get what you want
if you don't say what you want. Guys, you want a good cook?
Say you want your Nigella. Girls, you want the money man?
Say, "I'm looking for my Elon Musk."
Use your best lines.
Now, we are going to form a circle of ten.
Five guys, five girls, chaperones at the back.
Come on, guys, let's do it!
Your parents are going to be so happy. Trust me. Sit down.
Come on, guys, I want you to be honest.
Is this your first time?
Mate, here, it's everyone's first time.
At least, that's what they'll tell you.
MO: Find your sugar puppy.
Boys, boys, boys, what's going on?
Why are you talking to each other?
There's girls here, OK?
Unless you want marriage outside of Islamic Sharia,
I suggest you stop talking to the same sex. All right, boys? Enjoy.
I'm looking for someone who has patience
and an understanding of culture.
Someone who's supportive and honest who likes to travel.
Well, just someone who's great.
Who's British enough for me and Pakistani enough for my family.
Um, someone down to earth with a sense of humour
who will encourage me in my religion.
Where are you from? Birmingham. How about you?
I'm from... I'm from London.
What do you do? I'm a banker.
What do you do? I'm a doctor.
Oh, Kaz, isn't this a massive, crazy gamble?
I mean...
What if there's no chemistry?
How are you even going to know
if you don't believe in sex before marriage, all of a sudden?
I'm not sure I believe in sex after marriage.
Most of my friends have no sex after marriage.
That's with the loves of their lives.
Fair point.
It's depressing.
But I think you can usually tell if the sex would work.
Do you want to go and get a drink?
A Bloody Mary for me and a virgin for you?
I've got lunch with my parents. It's Mother's Day.
Oh, shit.
I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah.
BOTH: Bye.
Hi, Zoe. Alaikum salaam, Auntie Aisha.
KAZ LAUGHS
What? She still can't say it.
Assalaamu Alaikum, Aisha! There you go.
That's exactly what I just said.
Happy Mother's Day!
I wish I could say the same to you.
I was just saying, I wish I could say the same to her.
Inshallah. Fat chance of that.
You know I cannot for the life of me find my other washing up glove,
and these are new. I've looked everywhere.
Gosh, hasn't Kassim got so good... where are you? Oh.
..so good-looking.
It's hardly surprising, is it? Look at his mother.
I mean, she's so elegant she could be Greek, or Italian.
The compliment that's actually an insult.
You wouldn't think they were Muslims to look at them, would you?
I don't know, Mum. What do 1.8 billion Muslims all look like?
POT SIZZLES
Careful. Just...been very lucky to have them as neighbours.
Actually, they've become like family to me
since your father left for that teenaged whore.
She's 35. Exactly.
Oh, is that Grindr?
My hairdresser's never off that. Anyone we should meet?
No.
Oh, don't leave it too late.
Human eggs have a sell-by date, too, you know.
Oh, well, maybe I'll freeze them.
I could be a 90-year-old pushing a triple pram.
Well, that's no good to me, is it?
Because I'll be dead.
How's your egg? Looks a bit raw.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, Oh, my God!
My Marigold!
That's where it got to.
He eats your washing up gloves? He eats everything.
Oh, well at least now you can tell which way round he is.
Oh, God!
I'm ringing my lovely vet.
You're going to have to take him to James the vet for me tomorrow.
No. Why can't you take him?
Because it's my day visiting cancer patients at the Marsden.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. I can't, I can't, I've got a really important meeting.
It's the children's ward.
He'll be fine!
He's eaten my HRT patches as well.
He'll grow breasts.
You'll grow breasts, you silly dog.
It's not funny!
It is funny, actually. James, it's me.
I... It's the dog.
It's... I can't explain, but something's hanging out of him.
The wrong end.
This actually tastes all right. How's it going, then, bro?
Did you find your missus today?
Don't start. I knew you were going to start with me today, man.
Let me just enjoy my... Anyone good?
There was no-one I clicked with, you know.
Click and collect.
Yeah.
I mean, come on, there has to be a spark.
There wasn't even a flicker.
You know what I see?
Simmer first, then boil.
You all want to boil first, then simmer, and when it cools down,
you get disappointed and throw out the chai.
Yeah, well, simmer for too long,
you end up with a dry pot.
No-one likes a dry pot, bro.
Oi! He threw the thing at me. Tell him off.
The problem is, people have too many options.
The distant drums sound more exciting.
Did you tell him about the girl that Mo Bhai rang about, huh?
You know, there's a very nice girl in Lahore.
Convent-educated, excellent family.
Height is OK, 5 foot 2.
If she were five foot, I would hesitate.
Supposed to have a very good nature.
What am I going to have in common with someone from Pakistan?
Besides culture, religion, language, colour, family, genes?
Should I go on? Yeah, think about it.
And your surname will be the same.
Wait, she's a Khan? Passport, credit cards, no change.
But she's not a relation, right?
No, but nothing wrong with that, you know?
Victoria and Albert were first cousins.
And they had a museum named after them. Yeah, I know.
OK, listen, we are meeting the family over Skype this evening.
You see if you like her.
Please.
OK. Come on, bro.
Our parents both knew each other. They wanted us to meet.
But we were both like...no. No way.
OK!
Then I saw him at Rumi's Cave.
It's like this cultural centre.
And we were both part of the Muslim Archery Club.
But we never spoke. She was on Minder.
But he was on Muzmatch, so we were on different paths.
But we were on the same team for the Muslim Muggles Quiz.
It's for Harry Potter fans, looking at Islamic values in the series.
And we identified loads.
And we won!
BOTH: Team Hufflepuff.
So then after that we agreed to meet and I remember saying to myself,
you know, you wander from room to room sometimes
looking for the diamond that's already around your own neck.
Rumi.
SKYPE RINGTONE
Er, hi. Hi.
Maymouna. It's a very lovely name.
It's very beautiful.
Thank you.
Are you named after anyone in your family?
No.
I think my parents just liked it.
Great. That's... And you're studying law?
Yes.
Well, I thought about doing law, but then I didn't.
Do you have any siblings?
I have a brother who lives here with his wife, and a sister.
I have one brother and, um...
And...
My sister lives in northern areas.
Her husband is posted there.
The roof of the world.
That's my favourite place on Earth.
I haven't been there yet.
I remember the first time I went, um, my grandfather took me.
That was his favourite place as well.
And, um, I was just a little boy and I wandered off and got lost.
And it was weird. I...
I wasn't scared, it was...
It was, um, the first time I felt connected
to something bigger than myself, you know, bigger than my own fear.
And Grandfather gave me a tight slap when he found me.
HE LAUGHS
That's still the place I feel closest to God.
Definitely.
And to my grandfather.
How do you feel about possibly moving to London?
Um... She's fine with it.
She will love London.
It's a very multicultural place, full of Pakistanis.
IN URDU:
I'm sorry about this. This is my big brother, Farooq.
He gives me pocket money.
Don't mind her.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
What's he been eating this time?
Mum's HRT patches and her washing up glove.
Last time, it was her pop socks.
Oh, God. He's like a fluffy Pac-Man.
Let's take a look at him, shall we? Mm.
If you could just hold him nice and still. OK.
Oh, Barney. There you go. Oh. I'm just going to...
DOG YELPS
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, does he come here often?
So often, I know all his deepest, darkest secrets.
And even...some of yours. No, I'm kidding.
I'm just... I'm kidding.
But your mum has told me all about you, though.
Oh, God. Film school in London, two documentaries
and a Radio Times Viewers and Listeners Award.
She gave you my actual CV.
And your complete works.
I'm so sorry. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to watch them yet,
but they do look really, really great.
Now, this guy is going to be just fine.
If he hasn't passed them by Friday, bring him back in.
We'll get him X-rayed.
OK.
Thanks. Come on, Barney. Silly dog.
Good to see you again, Barney.
And it's lovely to meet you, too, for the first time, Zoe. And you.
Look, if you ever felt like going out to get a drink or something,
you know, sometime, we could. Thank you.
I'm a bit snowed under with work at the moment. Yeah, sure.
Just because your mum said that you... But never mind.
Um, let me get the door for you. Yeah.
Thank you. Sorry about that. Ta-da!
I mean... Er, well, look after that guy.
I will. Thanks very much.
Let me know if your workload...eases.
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, dear Mum
# Happy birthday to you! # Thank you.
I can't actually talk right now because I'm about to, um...
I'm about to go and put some grand-eggs on ice
for your birthday present.
How exciting! Yes, so you can stop setting me up with total strangers.
That's the best birthday present ever.
Would you like them gift-wrapped?
Ha-ha!
Is there an express service? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. Just come in here on your lunch break.
and then in your sixties, we defrost you a baby.
No.
Egg harvest.
Yeah. Sounds festive, huh?
It's not.
Listen, how much do you want to be a mother?
Well, I'd rather be a father.
Then you don't have to juggle everything.
Yeah.
No, I, um...
Of course I want to be a mother.
I just... You know, I want to find the right person, and not yet.
That's why I'm here.
Well, I keep seeing all these women in their fifties having babies,
so that's got to be frozen eggs, right?
Ah, the same women that have, like, really nice skin
and no eye bags because they use the right moisturiser?
Yeah, highly unlikely.
Do you know the success rate for frozen eggs?
PHONE BUZZES
Well, I know it's not a guarantee.
No. It's...
..1%.
1% of frozen eggs result in a live birth.
Really? But much better odds for frozen embryos.
PHONE BUZZES AGAIN
OK, um, how do I freeze an embryo, then?
Just come in with a partner or, you know, pick a sperm donor,
or just find a nice gay friend. I don't have a partner.
You know, I thought that was the whole point of this egg freezing
is that I don't have to put all my eggs in one bastard.
PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN
He texted me instead of her by mistake.
ZOE SIGHS WITH DISGUST
Who is she?
Someone in his office.
I should have known.
He kept not remembering her name.
FRONT DOOR UNLOCKS
Hang on.
What are you... Where are you going?
That's not him, is it?
Can you deal with the kids?
SHE SIGHS AGAIN
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood.
She'd had a bad week, and all she wanted was to feel better...
..or to feel nothing.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
So when her mother warned her not to stray off that path
and talk to any strangers,
Little Red Riding Hood thought to herself,
"Where's the fun on a well-trodden path?"
And of course, she met a wolf.
In an instant, all those bad feelings disappeared like magic.
"What's the worst that could happen?",
she thought to herself.
"So a bad boy wolf wants to eat me.
"A little nibble here and there can't hurt, can it?"
SHOWER RUNS IN BATHROOM
SHE GROANS
PHONE RINGS
How was your hotel?
Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry. Yeah. I, um, I fell asleep with my phone on silent.
Ooh!
Come on!
Man down!
All right, let's go.
You, over there. The wing.
You're on.
Oh!
Did you get the goal, at least?
No, I just got you going down like a skittle.
Great.
That looked painful.
Oh. Hang on, let me just get this mic on.
I've definitely pulled something.
So?
What was, er, what was so urgent?
I've got news. Yeah?
I'm, er, I got engaged.
Wait, what? Yeah, I know, it's crazy, right?
But we've been talking quite a lot,
and we've been texting and FaceTime,
and, er, we keep talking.
I really like her.
And the wedding's not for a whole 'nother month, so...
A month? Yeah, I know.
My mum's already handed out sweets to the whole street.
It's love at first Skype. Well, obviously not, no.
Love at first anything's a mental health issue.
So, um, how old is she again?
Wilmore, check! Wilmore!
22.
Leaving the party early.
Not worried about the age gap?
I knew you were going to ask that.
No, she's super smart.
And you reckon that you have enough in common?
Well, we will have. She gets it.
She understands how it all works.
You know she wants to be a human rights lawyer?
Wow.
Sorry.
Just taking it all in.
So you really will be marrying a stranger?
I guess in the end, so is everyone else.
I mean, everyone turns out to be someone else,
or fucking someone else. Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
Can you turn the thing off? No, no, no, no.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Zoe, off.
What's up?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, it's just been a challenging week.
What, another date with somebody you already hate?
SHE LAUGHS DRILY
What you need is a holiday.
Yeah.
In Lahore.
Oh, darling, just in time for a quick bite before we leave, great.
Oh, sorry. Eggs again?
No, no, no, no. Omelettes.
Come on. Oh.
Now, in there is a little care package I've put together for us.
Just the basics - Imodium, Hobnobs, rape alarm.
Is Barney joining us? Don't be silly. Although, um...
No, James is coming to pick him up...
DOORBELL BUZZES
Oh, there he is.
I thought he might like to join us for a little, little lunch. James!
Hi. My favourite dog whisperer.
Oh, come in. Zoe, you remember James, don't you?
James delivered your pop socks. Hi!
Talking of which...
So, how have you been?
Oh, you know, saving lives.
Gerbil, a cat, octogenarian tortoise who's making a slow recovery.
CATH WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER
Sorry. That's funny!
He's always so funny. Why don't you just sit and have a chat
while I cook the toast? Sure.
So you're off to a fancy wedding in Pakistan, I hear.
Yeah. I've never missed a Khan wedding
and I can't wait to wear a burkini on the subcontinent.
Wow. Except for Lahore is nowhere near the sea.
Well, you never know where we might end up.
And when we come back, we should have dinner with James,
and we'll get Helena and Harry over here.
Helena is Zoe's very good friend.
She's married to a lovely man called Harry.
Who's been having an affair. Harry?
Yes. No. Yes. I can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure most married men would cheat
if they could get away with it.
James wouldn't.
Well, even if you're sure your wife would never know?
No, of course not.
Why not?
Because I'd know.
Bon appetit. Mm.
DOORBELL BUZZES AGAIN
Oh.
Um... So, um...
Oh, hello, darling. You're early.
Why are you so early? The flight doesn't leave for hours.
No, I know. We just need to allow extra time for security.
Why? So I can be randomly selected.
Oh. Oh, oh.
Well, that's a shame.
James was about to tell us something absolutely hilarious.
Look who's here.
He says we've got to go.
Sorry, Mum, that your enormous efforts have gone to waste,
but, you know, we've got a plane to catch.
Kaz, the doctor. Hi. Hi.
Meet James, the vet.
I've heard all about you.
Good luck with the wedding. Thank you. Oh, Barney, Barney.
Mummy go shopping. Mummy go shopping.
Don't tell Barney that I'm off to Lahore
because he'll get... Shopping, shopping.
Stay, shopping. Stay, stay.
Oh, let me help you with the cases. No, I'll get them.
Well, I'm looking forward to hearing how it all goes.
Yeah. You too. Great. Well...
Ooh. I mean, thanks.
Bye! Bye.
Oh, James.
I am so sorry that we've got to go, but...
Oh, well, I'll FaceTime you both from Pakistan.
Or, or...
...cover my FaceTime.
SHE LAUGHS
You set me off!
You have to keep that. You might want to go shopping. Bye!
Bye, bye. Eat the omelettes.
OK. Yep.
Bye! Bye!
Barney?
And this is her in the nativity play.
No, you probably don't know what that is,
but I'll explain that later.
You all right?
It's thought field therapy.
It's, uh, a technique.
I don't like flying.
Oh! I'm so sorry, sir.
Even the lingo is morbid.
It's "Final destination", "departed"...
Or terminal.
Some nuts. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Who was the guy at your mum's house?
Mm.
If I were Pakistani, he be my arranged husband.
Sounds ideal. Except that he's not my type.
What is your type?
Oh... What, except wrong?
Yeah. Um...
Don't know. Mm.
Can I ask you a question?
Would you cheat if you knew you'd never get caught?
Be honest. If your wife would never know.
No.
Why not?
Well, He'd know.
SUDDEN JOLT
He's listening!
MUSIC: Nachho Gaao by Nitin Sawhney
Aren't they desperately uncomfortable
covered up like that in this heat except for their eyes?
No, not as uncomfortable
as those poor women who are uncovered except for their eyes,
like on Love Island. You see, Cath,
our women are valued for what's on the inside,
which is why we don't have plastic surgery and anorexia
and all these Western diseases.
Well, I suppose a burqa's wonderfully forgiving, isn't it?
A rupee for your thoughts?
CATH: What a beautiful hall!
You know, this has caused me the greatest pain in my life.
And that of your grandmother, too.
There's nothing we can do about it. OK.
I'm so proud of you.
Let's not spoil this happy occasion.
They met on their wedding day.
He came to her village on a white horse
to take her away from her home.
SHE SPEAKS URDU
Like a charming prince.
SHE CONTINUES IN URDU
And they rode off together.
And did they fall in love?
SHE REPLIES IN URDU
You know, we always say
it is better to fall into like,
and walk into love.
SHE COMMENTS IN URDU
It was a good match.
Achi joriti.
Assalaamu Alaikum! Wa Alaikum Assalaam.
Assalaamu Alaikum...
Assalaamu Alaikum. Wa Alaikum Assalaam.
Assalaamu Alaikum.
Wa Alaikum Assalaam.
TRANSLATION FROM URDU:
Alhamdulillah.
Thank you.
Pleased to meet you in person finally.
Thank you.
How are your studies going?
Good.
Erm, I was thinking we could maybe...
..do something together this evening.
We met on Skype.
Erm...
I thought she was...
..you know, attractive, obviously.
Intelligent. Full of life. Erm...
I don't know what you thought of me.
I thought he seemed nice and reasonable.
Hm. Great. Erm...
Can you tell me...
How... How did you propose?
Erm...
Well, actually, my parents proposed to her parents.
It must have been daunting for you, Maymouna,
deciding whether to spend the rest of your life
with someone you hardly know?
Mm.
If my parents are comfortable with their decision
I'm OK with it.
And we talked a lot on the phone
and, you know, got to know each other.
Can you sum up how you both feel?
Good. It feels like the timing is right.
And...
..can you see yourselves falling in love?
Yes. Inshallah.
Whatever "in love" means.
Hm.
CALL TO PRAYER
Do you remember me from when you were a kid?
Yes. Wow. Funny. Hey, morning.
Where are you going?
You haven't even had breakfast.
I need to go to the tailor,
then I was going to take Zoe to Anarkali Bazaar.
You're going to love it. It's a... I can't wait. ..massive bazaar,
named after a beautiful dancing girl.
Who was buried alive by Emperor Akbar
because she was an unsuitable match for his son.
SHE SIGHS
I'll see you later.
Yasmin, take this for Nani Jan.
MUSIC
I can't believe you said, "Whatever love means."
Huh? That's what Prince Charles famously said
when he got engaged to Diana.
I thought that sounded familiar.
They basically had an arranged marriage.
Yeah.
That worked out really well.
Princess Diana wanted to marry a Pakistani man.
Dr Hasnat Khan.
Dr Khan.
Mother said no.
What happened to him?
He had an arranged marriage.
Lived happily enough ever after?
He got divorced.
He'd become too much western.
OK, question.
What did you think of her, in real life?
She's great. Yeah, but, erm...
..did you fancy her?
Zoe, please, don't say that on camera. Come on.
So annoying! Fine.
And are you nervous about the Mehndi tonight?
Actually, just tell me what that is.
Well, in Pakistan, we really like to draw out the wedding celebrations.
It's over... Well, it's over three days.
Ah...
And first is the Mehndi, which is tonight.
And, ah...
Kind of like a stag and a hen, rolled into one.
Except your grandparents are there, which is lovely.
And the groom isn't stripped naked and tied to a lamppost.
And then the next day is the Nikah, which... That's the actual marriage.
And the Shaadi, then the Walima.
But the main thing is you have to look like you haven't enjoyed
your first night together.
What if you haven't enjoyed your first night together?
No comment?
No comment.
Can we go in?
SHE LAUGHS
Oh! My mum would love this.
Can I film in here?
Assalaamu Alaikum.
Wa Alaikum Assalaamu.
Afghanistan se hay.
It's beautiful.
How much is it?
HE ANSWERS IN URDU
15,000. Hmm.
THEY SPEAK URDU
Yeah? Give me 10,000.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thanks, Kaz.
You know,
all that stuff...
..passion and chemistry,
whatever you want to call it...
..it's not the most important thing.
It doesn't last anyway.
It's amazing.
WAITER SPEAKS URDU
He thinks you're my wife.
Mera dost hay.
I'm saying you're just a friend. Ah.
Just friends.
I was your first kiss too.
In the treehouse!
Shukriya.
I can't believe you've forgotten.
Shukriya.
Kaz?
Mm-hm?
What was that row with your mum about?
Just about Jamila coming to the wedding.
Why is what she did so bad?
A Muslim woman isn't supposed to marry a non-Muslim guy.
It's haram. I know... She ran off with this guy.
It broke my grandfather's heart, literally.
He died a week later.
Don't blame that on her.
She didn't come to the funeral. Why not?
She wanted him, David, to be welcome too.
Can I film you saying this stuff?
No. Please, Kaz. I can't just show what you want me to show -
if it's not truthful, it just won't have any value. Please.
OK, I'm sorry.
You know they've had a baby?
My mum's first grandchild, who she's never even met.
All this unhappiness.
All she did was fall in love.
No, that's not all she did, Zoe. She chose love over family.
But isn't that the whole point of marriage?
There are some things I don't expect you to understand.
Kaz, can you explain to me how it's so different,
even though we grew up on the same street?
How are we different? Yes.
Are you serious? Please.
OK.
For a start, you don't get asked every week
where you're from originally, or how often you go back to Pakistan.
You're British. I'm British-born, which we all know is
just code for non-white.
Brit-ish, you know?
And you're not expected to apologise profoundly on behalf of
all brown people every time there's a terror attack anywhere
in the world.
There was an entire continent between number 49 and 47, Zoe.
Isn't that why you're making the film?
CALL TO PRAYER
I have to pray.
I'll be back.
Huh...
MESSAGE ALERT
INDISTINCT CHATTER
LAUGHTER
Zoe?
You're in the bride's way.
You look very beautiful.
Hmm. Thank you.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.
TRANSLATION FROM URDU:
This is Pucci.
Baby.
And that's Mousey,
Toffee and Pinky.
Nani Jan, please, don't leave, not yet.
It's... Let her leave.
When dinosaurs leave, at least we all can relax.
MUSIC: Mahi Sona (The Wedding Song) by Nitin Sawhney
Sorry about this.
Chalo. Jalti hai.
Not too much smiling, huh?
Now the party starts.
MUSIC: Let Them Know by Mabel
# Body shape, Coca-Cola
# I got a new man in my business
# And he all about his business
# And his name ain't none of your business
# Oh, oh, oh
# Let them know
# Oh, baby, let them know
# Cos they can run they mouth
# But I'ma stand and pose for you... #
There's something in that. What's in that?
It's Coke Masala. Masala?
It's really good. It's so good.
Whisky!
Oh, my God!
# Rolls-Royce, screeching
# Rolex, gleaming
# Let them know
# Oh, baby, let them know
# Cos they can run they mouth... #
MUSIC: Secrets by Regard & RAYE
# I don't know 'bout you, 'bout you... #
Have you seen Maymouna?
I think she's... There she is.
And, she's blonde.
Kaz, come!
Kaz, you...you still haven't met my friend, Taqi.
Ah! Lahore's hair king. Eh, queen, darling.
And don't the honeymoon highlights look fabulous?
Amazing. Nice to meet you. Hi. How are you? Hi, how are you?
He means, how high are you?
Sorry, this is my friend, Zoe. We're friends from London. Hi!
You want a J? Oh! No, no, thanks.
Take one. Taqi brings all the treats to the party.
Always. Darling, I'm only following the rules.
The Koran says if a man lies with another man,
he should be stoned.
Marry tomorrow. Sin tonight?
I'm good, thank you.
Oh, my God. I hope I'm not going to be calling you Chachu!
What's Chachu? It means uncle.
I thought that you'd all be more modern, living in London and all.
You know? But I mean, hello?
Oh, finally!
Oh! Let's, let's dance! Are you coming?
Not right now. You guys go, have fun.
I think I'm going to just... Do you want?
Uh, no, I'm going to go and... Nice to meet you. Bye!
She likes partying.
Yeah.
Not exactly what my parents had in mind.
Come on, let's go.
Are you OK? Just tired.
You're sure it's OK to leave your own Mehndi?
No-one's going to notice. Trust me.
Chachu.
One sec.
Oh, wow! I want to show you something.
Come, come. What?!
SUFI MUSIC PLAYS
Sufi music.
No, no, no. Just listen, just listen. He's...
..singing to God.
Singing about a...
..dangerous love, keeps him awake at night.
You see?
He's going mad.
Tells us how love is a dangerous mental illness.
Bye.
What?
I didn't forget it.
The treehouse.
SHE SIGHS
If it wasn't for Islam, there would have been no Reformation,
no Renaissance... Hi. ..no toothbrushes.
Hey. Hello, everyone. That was a hoot, wasn't it?
Have something to eat? Fine!
Where did you all go? I was perfecting my Hollywood, Dollywood,
Bollywood thingies,
and I turned around and you'd all disappeared.
What else did Muslims invent, huh? Algorithms. Bicycles. Coffee.
Algebra. Chickens? No, that's... Chicken korma?
The first flying machine! Yes! Much better. Well done.
I could do without algorithms myself.
The bride didn't join the dancing last night.
Oh, we... No, you...
No, she didn't.
I did, obviously. You enjoyed yourself.
I did. I did.
Um, do you think we can talk? 5pm sharp for the Nikah, everybody, OK?
No, on camera, I mean.
Right.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
You're getting married in a few hours.
Yeah.
How are you feeling? I'm feeling fine.
No pre-wedding nerves or...?
No.
All good.
You're still fully signed up to this?
Yes.
And this is what you want?
Yes. This is what I want.
So, you...
..got everything you need?
Kaz, this is mad.
What's mad? What? Just, um...
I just... I feel like everyone's pretending.
Well, who's pretending? Er...everyone!
Well, just you're pretending Jamila doesn't exist,
er...pretending Maymouna doesn't dance,
pretending no-one has sex.
Kaz, you're 32 years old
and your parents don't even know you smoke.
Oh, my God, I told you before - that's about respect, Zoe.
This is not a veil on your sins.
This is a bloody great burqa shrouding your whole identity.
What do you want?
I don't want you to marry someone you don't love.
Life's too short...
..and too long to marry the wrong person.
What do you want for you? Yeah, well, this isn't about me.
Don't worry about me. I'm fine.
I mean, you keep questioning my decisions.
Maybe you should focus on your own choices.
What is that supposed to mean?
Maybe the reason you haven't got anyone to watch a TV series with
is that you actively search out anyone who is wrong.
Oh, my God. This is bullshit. No, it's not bullshit, Zoe.
A man could be wearing a literal red flag,
and you'd think it was a sexy colour on him.
If the first person you date is a dick, you're unlucky.
If the next ten people you date are dicks,
then maybe you need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror
and ask yourself why.
Have you got any more profound psychological insights?
I have a question.
Does it hurt less when you aim low and miss?
Huh.
HE SIGHS
MUSIC: The Ceremony by Nitin Sawhney
Agreed.
All Pakistani brides always cry as they leave the family -
it's a tradition.
It's gorgeous! Mwah!
Can we have Beauty And The Beast? Yes, please.
Yeah, of course you can.
Come on, then. Coming!
THEY LAUGH
Ah! Beauty And The Beast.
Well, Beast had his faults, but persistence pays off.
He didn't actually lock Beauty in his cellar.
That's just what a relationship felt like to Beauty.
Over time, Beauty grew to enjoy Beast's company.
You know, he was dependable and available,
and there's a lot to be said for those qualities.
Was the Beast her dream hunk?
No.
Did he sweep her off her feet?
No.
Did he take her breath away?
Perhaps not.
But Beauty had learned that it's better to simmer THEN boil.
Do you not have to be a vegan to, you know, do your job? To be a vet?
No, actually, normally I'm only allowed to eat
the animals I put down.
I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.
THEY LAUGH
PHONE CHIMES
Ah... So close to the phone.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Right. Does anyone want any more?
ZOE SIGHS
What the Beast was, kids,
was good enough. Ha!
And sometimes good enough is...
TOGETHER: ..good enough.
And she was in love with the Beast.
She was "in like" with him.
What do you mean "in like"?
In like with him, which is way more important.
OK, good.
Good turnout. Buzzy vibe. Yeah.
Oh. Hey. Zoe. Great crowd. Mm.
Yeah. Diverse. Tick.
Oh. Grey pound. Tick.
This is my mum, actually.
Mum, this is Olly and Sam, who commissioned the film.
Oh! Important. Well...
So nice to meet you. Yes, you too. Am I in it?
Ah, you'll have to wait and see.
Yeah. Ah.
Oh, that's James. This is Zoe's boyfriend.
He's saintly and he's a top vet, aren't you?
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
"Britain's Top Vet"? Here we go. Here they come, here they come.
Leading vets compete in a range of medical challenges.
Excuse me. Excuse me. You could have my Barney in it. My dog.
Hi. Hi.
How are you?
Good.
How...how's married life?
Getting settled. It's...
Mm-hm.
Heard you'd met someone? Kind of. Um...
Oh, yeah. My mum did.
I followed your example. So, yeah - not a dick.
Result.
Are you happy?
Mm-hm.
You?
Yeah, I'm...I'm getting there.
Good.
Hi. Hi, Maymouna. Hi. How are you doing?
How are you enjoying London? London is good.
She's missing home.
Which is only natural. of course.
But, hey, listen, um...about the film.
I just...I wanted to warn you.
It's, um...it's a rough cut, so it's just...
OK, everyone, we are ready to kick off, so...Zoe? OK?
Shall we? Good luck. Yeah, thanks. You too.
Hello.
Hi, everyone. Um...
Wow. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you.
I just wanted to say a few words
about my own journey making this film.
So I used to think that arranged marriages
were this mad, outdated idea.
Um...and when my friend and neighbour, Farooq, had one,
I couldn't believe that he could ever be happy.
But I was wrong.
I was wrong. And now I wonder,
as someone with a slightly chequered romantic history...
Ahem! Oh, no heckling, please. Thanks, Mum.
..now I wonder whether there is something to be learned
from a social system which offers the opportunity
to meet available, like-minded, non-commitment-phobic men,
um...chosen by the person who knows you best.
Me. Like me.
And also, you know, maybe between the two extremes
of no choice in forced marriages
and just too much choice on dating apps...
I'm always on dating apps!
LAUGHTER
Um, you know, maybe somewhere between passion and pragmatism,
maybe there's a path to a happy ever after.
Shabash! Inshallah.
Um, OK, I'm going to stop waffling now.
I'm talking way too much. But I do want to say
just the biggest thank you to Kaz and Maymouna.
Thank you so, so much for allowing me
to film you walking into love.
CHATTER
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Er, hi. Hello. Hi.
You all right? Can I just take...?
Yeah, of course. Oh, thank you. Yes.
Is it that different from using filters on your Tinder?
It's not really lying, is it? It's...
We're just told to put a veil on our sins.
Nikah is a sacred marriage contract.
According to Islam,
bride and groom must both define their own terms and conditions.
Power of divorce is available to both partners equally.
Maher is a token commitment of the husband's responsibility.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
How's it going down? Yeah, good.
Oh, I don't dare go back in.
What?! You're super talented.
Oh...
Ugh...
Zoe... Mm?
..can we talk?
Well... Nothing good's ever come out of those three words, but...
Look...
..you're the dream.
If I ever thought I'd end up with someone like you,
I never would have been a tortured teenager. Hm.
You're either proposing to me or breaking up with me,
and I can't figure out which.
Oh, shit.
I just don't want...
HE SIGHS
I just can't be your plan B.
I want more than that. No, don't. What are you doing? This is fine.
All right? This is going fine.
Yeah, but I don't want "fine".
Why? Everyone likes "fine".
Zoe, you don't want "fine" either.
Well, how do you know what I want?
What am I going to tell my mum?
Ooh... Um...
Tell her that I will probably end up being your sensible second husband.
Well, I mean, either that or I'll marry the dog.
SHE LAUGHS
It was devastating.
I think the worst moment for me
was when we had our beautiful little girl
and I realised that she would never know her grandparents.
I had such a special relationship with mine.
But I always knew that that would be the price we'd pay to be together.
I, um...
I did read the Koran before we got married,
just to try and understand it a bit.
It says a husband and wife should be like garments to each other,
to protect and keep each other warm.
We used that in our wedding vows.
Do you have any regrets?
I regret that I caused my family so much pain,
especially my Nani Jan, my grandmother.
I can never forget her face when I left.
But I don't believe that we choose who we fall in love with.
It's...it's too overwhelming to be in our control.
But even if it had been a choice and not my kismet,
I'd still have chosen him.
APPLAUSE FROM CINEMA
Hey.
What were you thinking, Zo?
I trusted you.
I...I was just doing my job.
Your job isn't to humiliate my family
by broadcasting our issues to the world.
I had to include Jamila. Come on.
Please, why is that so humiliating?
Number 47.
Number 49.
Different continents.
TEARFULLY: It was beautiful.
Maymouna.
Thank you.
Oh...
SHE SNIFFS
Zoe, that was a bit cruel. You could have told me that outfit
made me look like a pile of dirty washing.
Oh, not now. Where-where's James?
He just dumped me, so...
Oh, Zoe! What have you done now?!
Oh, no!
I thought he was finally the solution.
Oh, you sound like Hitler!
Oh....Zoe. Come on. He was...
He's the best one you've ever picked.
I didn't pick him. You did.
I'm worried you're going to end up alone.
You're alone. You seem fine.
That's different.
Am I half a person when I'm not with a man?
Is that what you think? And you just...
Am I just not enough for you as I am?
Oh, darling, that's not fair. That...that's not fair!
I can't do this.
Zoe...
PHONE BUZZES
THEY LAUGH
PHONE CHIMES
Do you need to get that?
PHONE CHIMES
Why didn't you tell me?
Er...
HE PUFFS
So what do we do now?
Pretend.
Like everyone else.
"Pretend"...
THEY TALK QUIETLY
Sleeping Beauty...
..tried to...
..fake it to make it.
She was just sad.
And so she went to sleep...
..for 100 years.
Snow White was also sad.
She ate a poisoned apple on purpose...
..because she was depressed.
Which literally means...
.."deep rest".
And no-one lived happily ever after.
Because that never happens in real life.
Only in fairy tales.
PHONE CHIMES
So, yeah, if we look at the section here...
What are you doing here? All good?
I keep calling and calling. You never answer my phone.
SHE SPEAKS IN URDU
All OK?
Yeah. Everything's OK.
How's Maymouna?
And...how are you both getting on?
It's all fine.
It takes time to adjust.
It wasn't easy for me, either, at the start.
Your father and I hardly spoke for the first month,
and now look at us.
Sorry, Ammi, I'm...
So much to do. I'm busy today.
OK.
So I'll see you both for Eid tomorrow.
If it's confirmed.
I'll call you later, huh?
Yeah.
You know, beta, why the Prophet said,
"Paradise lies at the mother's feet"?
Because there is no love greater than a mother's love for her child.
That's why our prayers are double.
You know what I pray for every night?
I pray for your happiness...
..and the happiness of all my children.
That's all that matters.
You know, I just want to be a good son, Ammi.
That's it.
Oh...
PHONE KEY BEEPS
To hear your messages, press 2. PHONE KEY BEEPS
Received 3:34pm.
Hi, Zo. Olly and Sam here from Big Bull Productions. Hi.
Look, we love the doc, but we've got a problem, OK?
White lens. Yeah, diverse subject - great.
White director. It's not so great. Yeah.
So we're going to have to hit pause on the project, OK?
Look, we're really sorry. Really sorry.
Give us a call if you want to chat. Yeah, OK. Oh, shit.
Press 2 to repeat.
Shouldn't leave your knickers just lying about on display.
I don't understand.
Why are you all dressed up?
It's Eid.
I'm going to the Khans'.
That's good.
You want to come?
No, thank you.
I'm the last person that they want to see.
Anyway, I'm packing.
Where are you going?
Turkey. For a break.
Since everyone hated my film. SHE CHUCKLES BITTERLY
I must just say, I do admire your independence.
And I...
You're wrong.
I don't value you less when you're not with a man.
And I'm very, very proud of everything you've achieved.
But... Oh. "But." Nothing counts before the "but".
Well, but...
..there's a difference between independence
and being so cut off that no-one can get close to you.
We all need other people, even you.
There's no weakness in that, Zoe.
Zahid's right - loneliness is a Western disease,
and it's far more deadly than cancer.
The only cure is to allow other people to care about you,
and not...not to always push them away.
They say it takes a village to raise a child.
But what about the adults?
I'd say it takes a village to sustain an adult,
and I'm so lucky to... to have found my village next door.
All I want is for you to find yours, Zoe.
Hm?
Oh...
Come here.
PHONE BUZZES AND CHIMES
That's you. That was my phone.
Saved by the bell!
Oh, it's from Kaz. That's nice.
Have a biscuit? Yeah.
I look nice? Yeah. Look great. Thank you.
Do you want to...? Do you want to...?
OK. OK, OK. Um...
Hi.
Um....I love your film, Zoe,
and I'm sorry if this kind of ruins your ending, but...
..I think it's going to make it more truthful.
Eid Mubarak!
BOTH: Eid Mubarak!
No! What are you doing?
They taste nice!
Eid Mubarak!
THEY SPEAK IN URDU
Just get the spoon.
Help me cut. Come on. What do you want me to do?
DOORBELL
No, not like that.
So festive as ever!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Don't you look gorgeous, as always.
I brought you something very, very boring. Oh, you needn't have.
And, um, um, Zoe's here.
Zoe.
I'm sorry to gate-crash, but I really need to talk to Kaz, please.
You've been talking quite a lot to all my children lately.
Jalebis. I made them specially for you. Well, thank you.
You're trying to give me diabetes. Eid Mubarak.
DOORBELL
Can you just get the...?
How is everything? Everyone all right?
It's OK. A bit tense. It seems a bit tense.
Where's Maymouna? She's not coming.
What do you mean she's not coming? Kaz. Good.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hello, darling. Eid Mubarak.
Mm. You smell lovely.
Are you OK? Just saw your email.
I'm fine.
I'm glad you're here.
Kazim, why isn't Maymouna here? Is she sick?
Ammi, Maymouna is not sick.
Unless you call heartbreak a sickness.
What do you mean?
Turns out our marriage was more...insisted than assisted.
That's not possible. They're a modern family.
Everybody was so happy at the wedding. Where is she now?
She is working up the courage to...
..tell her parents we're divorced.
Divorced?
What do you mean? Just like...
All you have to say is, "I divorce you.
"I divorce you. I divorce you."
Oh, wish we had that here.
Triple talaq is banned in Pakistan
to stop people from making rash decisions. This isn't rash.
It's... Maymouna was... IS in love with someone else.
Neither of us wants to pretend any more.
Oh, OK, since it's a day for bombshell disclosures,
I think we all need to try and just be a bit more honest.
You may as well all know that I smoke.
That's very bad for you.
And I have done since I was 15.
But you're a doctor now, so not in public.
I kept asking myself,
why is this grown man always up there in that treehouse?
Does he think he is Tarzan?
And I drink sometimes.
Just some red wine for your cholesterol.
Alcohol has some medicinal value. Such a relief.
But, obviously, I never, ever touch pork.
Of course not. You are Muslim. Hmm?
OK, there's something way more important. Um...
Ammi...
..you always say that Eid is about family coming together. Yes.
UNTRANSLATED
And if Zoe's film has shown us one thing it's that...
It's that there's been an important member of our family missing
for too long.
Too long.
One second.
Sorry.
BABY CRIES
Oh!
She needs her Nani Jan.
BABY CRIES
INDISTINCT CHATTER
And I need my Nani Jan.
Nani Jan.
Please.
UNTRANSLATED
CHAT DROWNED OUT BY SWELLING MUSIC
BABY CRIES
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Oh! Where's Zoe gone?
Has she gone already without saying goodbye?
I've spoken to her about that. She's halfway to Constantinople by now,
I shouldn't wonder. Wait, what?
Kazim?
You've reached the voicemail...
Where have you gone?
PHONE PINGS
LINE RINGS
PHONE PINGS
Rapunzel?
Let down your hair.
I'm pretty sure I'm the witch in this fairy tale.
Oh...
Hi.
It's your turn. Yeah. Um...
I can't speak!
OK. Sorry. Um...
OK. I'm going to put myself on the line here.
Go on. This... This isn't easy. I know, I know.
You know, I'm really high up and there's no safety... Zoe.
Would you like to watch a whole TV series with me?
Are you sure?
Mmm... Cos we...
We should take it very... You know, take it slowly.
Yeah. Yeah, like an episode at a time.
No bingeing. No bingeing.
Just please don't forget it this time. I never forgot. Never.
And maybe we could just, like,
we could have a break clause halfway through...
Always a break clause. Always.
Zoe...
We couldn't have arranged it better ourselves.
Mashallah!
That means thank God.
Ammi Jan always said this would happen if he came here
and he went to a mixed university.
Can't be expected to bowl a googly every time.
So, we moved out. Only down the road to number nine.
Except we call it nine and three quarters.
Harry Potter!
David's getting to know the family.
He's even learning Urdu so he can understand Nani Jan.
It's called mixed heritage, Nani Jan. Mixed heritage?
I don't know what you were expecting.
My head on a stick?
I'm fine.
I am graduated.
I'm a human rights lawyer and my parents are super proud.
# You are all that I've been waiting for
# I am so proud to say I'm yours
# And I won't take this love for granted
# The closest that I've felt to magic
# I'm gonna take your hand, you can take my hand
# And we gonna live for love
I'm gonna take your hand, showing off my man
# We gonna live as one
# Everything that we fought for
# Was worth every battle
UNTRANSLATED LYRICS
# You drenched in those flowers
# I fall deep in desire
# Never have I known pleasure
# Than when we found a fire in a flame
# You are all that I've been waiting for
# I am so proud to say I'm yours... #